It is wonderful that a person can pick, choose and attract their own group of friends. Family is a little different sometimes. Don't get me wrong I am completely blessed to have wonderful siblings who are my best friends. A have some great family members and beautiful cousins. On the other hand sometimes at extended family gatherings (like a recent one) I end up feeling really drained. Some of my family are loud, with a very different value system than my own. I see beyond our differences in them, but I feel like they are constantly judging me. They take up all the energy in conversations (if that makes sense). I am also pretty sure they talk about me behind my back. They can be a bit rude. Perhaps these meetings are a good test for me on how to communicate with others who are difficult. How can I build up my own inner strength so I am not so affected by other people's negativity towards me?

Hi Joanne,I do understand you.My brother is very dificult and think that he knows evrything.I have to ignore him.I think that it is the best way to deal with him.

But for 10 years now I'm dealing with my husband's brother's wife.I do not consider her my "sister"-in-law because she is nothing for me.She is a pain in every member of evryone's body.The woman is just a bore.
I definitelly do not know how to deal with her because ignoring her is impossible,she comes and talks,asks questions ALL THE TIME,she's the biggest NOSE ever.I've never seen anyone like that.Also I am pretty sure she talks bad about me,but since her child was born she is needing me to baby sitter him many times,so now I am a "Godsend".That's it .She is incapable of giving me anything.I've baby sitting her kid with no food in the house for the baby or myself.Selfish people.
Her husband is the same,but he isn't nose,this is a huge plus (at least for them).
The boy now (7 1/2) is getting to be like her and I can't deal nor stand him anymore.

I've decided to not babby sitter him anymore but I'll have to deal with her asking why.Do you believe that?The woman thinks that evryone is free to care for her child.She works all day and her husband works sometimes (he doesn't like to work at all,and doesn't care for his child).
We will have a problem,I can see that,but I don't care.
My husband feels bad for it,but I DON"T CARE.
I can't take this people anymore.They are not my blood,nor my friends.

Soory to vent,but I think all of us have to deal and learn to deal with people that don't respect us.And if we respect ourselves we have to get away from this people.

cy

i'm glad to see u finally stood up for yourself and stopped doing what was not your responsibility to take care of in the first place

it is their child, not yours, so it is THEIR responsibility

as long as you say "yes" , they will just automatically assume it is "okay"

they cannot read your mind

sometimes you just have to be straight with them and say

"i understand that you would like me to care for your child but i really don't wish to do that anymore. "

simple

what can she do, FIRE you??

La Veronique, thank you so much!!!
I feel so good right now reading your words.I was doing it for my husband,my husband's family,then for the kid,but now I had it.This people are crazy,manipulative and cheap (and the boy included,as he is a product of them).They are definitelly taking advantage and I had it.

That's funny that I was thinking about the "woman" firing me for something that I'm doing for so long and for free.
Do you believe that, as crazy as it seems, I believe that she will come to me and ask why ?
I don't care anymore.If this will bring war,well,let me start it.

Thank you so much.

I have a sister that is so critical but so passive aggressive about it. She makes inapropriate little laughs and comments that everyone understands if they are in the loop. She is critical toward everyone, it isn't personal even though it feels like it because the comments ARE personal. The thing is it is her problem not ours. I have chosen to ignore it and let her own her issues and not make tham mine. She really did some things at my children's BD party that were meant to make fun me and my other sister but she ended up just making herself look petty, judgemental and even mean spirited . I felt bad for her but at the same time I have hope that those embarassing moments will shake her up and she will realize how she comes off to others. She is so catty, makes everything about competition, and I have accepted that about her but am not willing to let it affect how I feel or behave. I really just ignore her. Like it wasn't said, or I walk away like I have something I have to do. I am too busy with my kids and life and in search of peace for my family to be dragged into someone else's issues, ever. I feel sorry that this has come between her and her siblings and her son and his family. I hope she chooses to get better soon, but no one can do it for her.

Just thank your lucky stars you're not married to these people

Take a deep breath and try to find peace in what seems like a chaotic situation. Once you can walk amongst the situation without becoming a part of it, then you will be ready.

Approach the situation from both a physical point of view and a mental one... i.e. remember to become physically calmer (focus on breathing, relaxing your muscles), and remind yourself why you don't need to care about someone else's negativity.

Cheers!

hey cy

it may seem like they are being manipulative and cheap
but in actuality, they cannot make you do anything without your consent
knowing this
you have freedom

freedom to say yes and mean it
freedom to say no and feel at perfect equillibrium with your decision

i enjoy saying yes when i mean yes
i also enjoy saying no and seeing that my friendships are still maintained and sometimes even stronger than before because my boundaries and theirs are
equally respected

if i cannot say NO to a friend, then they are not my friends to begin with
u must be able to say NO to a friend at times and still be secure that the friendship will still be there

if a friendship disintegrates because you will not do their bidding
it was not a friendship to begin with

it was a sham or a lie

without respect, there is no friendship

relatives ought to be treated with the SAME criteria as any friendship

and that is MUTUAL RESPECT

blood relations or distant relatives cannot use the excuse of their lineage or whatever

to act disrespectful and demand that they be tolerated

if anything, blood relations ought to treat each other with MORE respect

and not LESS

i hold my parents to the same bar of RESPECT as i do my friends

it is really one of the most difficult things to do

but i have done it ... taken small steps... slowly but surely

and i was SHOCKED at the response i got

basically, when i called them on certain things that they said that i thought was unacceptable and inappropriate

and demanded an explanation

it was interesting that they would stop and reflect on what they said

and then decide that it really was inappropriate and then make greater efforts to not say that again

either that, or they would tell me THEIR perspective and it would make ME stop and listen and reflect and decide that perhaps they were just expressing their OWN paradigm and it had nothing to do with me at all whatsoever and so i became less concerned and just let them be who they are but there has been changes on BOTH sides as a result of this effort.. and yes, it can be strenuous but without it, there is no point in relating if it is going to be anything less than respectful



i used to not do that before

but that was due to my OWN lack of courage and had nothing to do with them "manipulating" me


its a tough world

but hey... i'm up for it

You made some great points! You are right about mutual respect in family relationships and about being able to say no to a friend (otherwise they are not really a friend. I will remember that.

Great post La V.

thanks
its kind of rewarding whenever i make even the tinsiest eeeeennsiest progress in an important direction i think relating to other people can be extremely challenging at times... but ... ummm.. who knows? maybe its worth it (?) LOL

Ha! Great posts. You're awesome LaV!

Family, like everyone else, respects you following YOUR dreams. Anything else, no matter how noble, and people don't really respect you. When they challenge you (on whatever TOPIC) they are REALLY challenging you to see whether YOU are positive about what you are doing. As long as you HAVE made that internal determination on YOUR motivation, then the only other part is learning to say NO, and establishing boundaries. Exactly as LaV indicated.

-David Z. Mason

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

david mason:

<<Family, like everyone else, respects you following YOUR dreams. Anything else, no matter how noble, and people don't really respect you. When they challenge you (on whatever TOPIC) they are REALLY challenging you to see whether YOU are positive about what you are doing.>>

this is SO dang true !

as long as people respect themselves, then i respect them

if they don't respect themselves.. then i try to feel compassion for them

or sometimes i wonder if their attitudes etc. is simply there as a mirror to teach me parts of myself that i need to improve and then i am able to feel grateful instead of resentful LOL

strange world

its all just a big ginormous classroom anyhow

happy learning

oh yeah.. hows the veggies and fruit growing coming along DMZ, huh?

show us your latest and greatest pride and joy

( just not eggplants, please ... just kidding

"but that was due to my OWN lack of courage and had nothing to do with them "manipulating" me "

This is what is going on La Veronique.Thank you so much.
If I had followed my own decisions and instincts it would never had happening.
This lack of courage comes from my childhood obligations.
Well,it is time to change and I feel that.I have to grow up and take my own decisions even if they got to be wrong.I have to face them.
I already refused an envitation to go out with them,because I DO NOT WANT.
It has nothing to do with evrything else.I don't want to eat what they will eat and I don't want to talk what they will talk.This is an improvement.
I feel already good.It seems childdish,but this is my emotional side that don't know how to deal with the word NO,NO THANKS,I DON'T WANT THAT.
Maybe I should have a t-shirt with this written.

I am going through a similar situation dealing with others and some new found self awareness.

This thread has been very supportive and validating of boundaries I have already been trying to set in my own life.

Thanks everyone!!!

hey cy and pakd

its cool to be knowing that we are all on the same broccoli boat together

i've been feeling more and more uplifted lately

well, that is an understatement actually , to be quite honest

i feel TERRIFIC!

Just reading that LA Veronique,makes me feel good.

I am getting stronger with my feelings.I'm getting so powerful and couragious,and that is the best feeling in the world.I now know that I can do whatever I want and I am free.And freedom calms me down,gives me peace.

How wonderful life is when we are ourselves,just ourselves,raw.
I am getting to be my rawself day by day.

cy-ing the stars



<<am getting stronger with my feelings.I'm getting so powerful and couragious,and that is the best feeling in the world.I now know that I can do whatever I want and I am free.And freedom calms me down,gives me peace.>>

hey.. i kinda have to agree here... it really IS an incredible feeling knowing that whatever it is i am doing is all my own doing...

there is a feeling of peace

there really is freedom

Ha! ha! I planted the big melons late....so no pictures yet. But all the smaller ice-box melons and canteloupes are coming in. I'll take some pictures. Should be ripe in about 30 days.

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

It is true- RAW = empowerment.

Cool Dave. We have cukes and tomatoes. They are so great right off the vine!!!