Hi folks,
Dealing with the loss of a relationship right now and was wondering if anyone here dealt with this recently and what you did to cope.Things such as support groups,workshops,counseling,etc... What worked best for you.
Eating raw helps to a degree,but just wanted to know what you would do if you were in my shoes.
We were only together 4 years,but this was my soulmate, so 4 felt the same as 40.
Thanks.
Brian

Brian,

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do but the one that grows you the most. Love yourself instead.

*hugs*

Spending time in nature really helps me calm down and sort out my thoughts.

Here are some things said here and elsewhere that have helped me over the past year. I hope you find something here that helps you.

- - - - - - -

There are two kinds of people: those who take responsibility for their own lives and those who blame others.

Set and accomplish goals.

Have a plan, and work it.

Workout; get your blood pumping and endorphins flowing.

Spend time outside.

Forgive yourself for your past mistakes.

Pay attention to how you talk to and treat people.

Figure out what you dig, and live that life. Don't try to be someone you're not, and then hate yourself that it doesn't work.

Treat yourself how you want to be treated by someone you love.

Buy clothes that you know you look good in.

Get a decent haircut.

Pay attention to the things that are important in your life. You will be happier that way.

Learn something new.

Take a trip to somewhere you have never been.

Try to start focusing on things that actually matter in life. You will be a happier person as a result.

It's consistency over a lifetime that yields results. No amount of care in a single day will make the tree bear fruit.

Everyone,
I really appreciate all the responses.
I am going to print them out and hang on my fridge.
I had never been in a meaningful relationship before this one,and I can see that some of the things you all have suggested were things I actually had in place all by myself years ago.Things like being in tune with nature,the whole workout thing and the endorphins,wanting to look good and in shape.Thank god that these are things that can be enjoyed alone.
Its finding a way to live alone and be ok with it that seems to be my direction in life now.
Funny thing...I had that years ago and didnt even know it at the time.
I was a total loner(as far as relationships) and had times of total contentment.
So I know it must be possible again.

Brian

Wow! Awesome post & advice Lee! I'll remember that stuff. Every word.

-David Z. Mason

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

I will print out that post too Lee. Very good advice.

Lee, I am going to post that also. It makesme feel better already.

Brian, Love yourself. Thats what I have read and it has worked for me. Love yourself and allow yourself to find your soul mate. Many hugs to you.

Take care
A Iyer

Thanks for the hugs.
I know I struggle with the self love concept.
It seems to me if you love yourself then you would have no need for a relationship.
I never really figured that one out.
I guess I totally loved myself years ago,when I went years just doing my own little thing and didnt want anyone else in the picture.
So does this mean I fell from the pedestal of self love when I started to seek out a partner??
Really am confused right now.
But this self love is going to be pretty hard knowing I failed this woman so badly.
Brian



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/18/2008 10:11PM by Raw1228.

This year has been a tough one for me.

None of that stuff I posted is original. It's all advice from others to me or to everyone in various internet places. I copy/pasted the stuff that spoke to me and kept it in a file in my computer and referred to it now and then.

Use it, post it elsewhere, pass it on, or just ignore it.


Lee, a fellow traveler

we never "lose" a relationship with someone we love. what you gained from it, the lessons you learned, are a part of who you are today, just as assuredly your souls are deeply intertwined, even if you never have any further contact with that person for the rest of this lifetime. the relationship has changed, and change is inevitable. you can be sure that whatever the change is, it is for your highest good, even if you can't see that from where you are standing right now.

we may have many soulmates, and some might be slated to walk with us for a short time only, to get us where we need to be to enter the next chapter of our lives. it doesn't make the partnership any less significant that it was not a lasting one.

imagine a new ideal partner for yourself. can you then work to become the person that you would need to be to attract that person into your life? or imagine all the things that the perfect lover would do for you, and do them for yourself! dedicate love songs to yourself, and sing along. buy yourself your favorite foods and nourish your body with them. treat yourself to a massage. take yourself camping, hiking, to the movies, on a weekend beach getaway. write a list of all the things you appreciate about yourself, and hang it on your bathroom mirror. now might be the time to have a love affair with the most important person in your life, the person who has been there through good times and bad, the person who will be with you to your grave... YOU.

with heaps of aloha,
jennifer

Lee,
Care to share some of your story?
Maybe you have on other threads,but I might have missed things.
All your copy and pasted things are great.

On the self love concept,I dont want to drag this topic thru the mud but I just hate myself for doing what I did.This lady wanted to just give me her heart,and I poured beer all over it for 4 years,then lied I was even struggling with it again.But I never once drank to hurt her,it was just to cope with other changes going on.Depressions,changes,and I am on the autism spectrum which makes "normal" changes pretty hard sometimes.
I had another slip up just last night,due to various things going on,and had to tell her,for her own good,to get me out of her heart and mind.
I am literally in tears writing this...
sorry..
will get back.
But thanks again for sugestions.
Just want this thread to turn into something helpful for anyone in a similar predicament.

brian

also... can you drop the thought that you "failed this woman so badly"? whatever you went through together was a learning experience for her too, and it was the exact thing that she needed to experience to open up her next chapter.

and no, genuine self love does not preclude having a partner. what it does preclude is the belief that you need one to be happy. what if instead of two people who don't really love themselves coming together trying to get the other person to complete them, you had two people who took radical self-responsibility for their own happiness coming together to share that happiness with each other. wouldn't that be something worth experiencing?

jennifer,
Wow.
Thanks for your post.
It makes me immediately think of what this person really did for me.
I at one time had a hard time just going into a grocery store,but with her being with me for 4 years I can do things like that with no problem.
And she also showed me that I could develop good talking skills with someone of the opposite sex,and become best friends.All this I never knew before her.
Maybe I should put myself into a mood of celebration of what growth DID occur while we were together.I only hope that I did help her to grow in some way,even though it ended up on such a sour note.
As far as finding another soulmate,I always thought of it as having only one in this lifetime,but will keep my mind open to the possibility of having another.
But it will be quite a while....

Brian

thank you maui.
all insight is appreciated.
i agree.....two happy within themselves people makes for a better situation for sure.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/18/2008 10:42PM by Raw1228.

Yes. St. Francis noted that it doesn't matter WHERE we show a greater amount of love, acceptance and constructive positivism. On the other hand, ANY excuse to show a lesser degree of love is counter-productive and a poor coping mechanism. This is the wonder of love. An 'excessive' outpouring of love, appreciation, acceptance and support.....to ourselves or others......or even to an animal or 'inanimate' object....ALWAYS results in great love, wealth, and abundance for both parties.....and even some one WATCHING such an outpouring.

-David Z. Mason

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

What has worked for me: Write it down. Journal/blog, write a letter and burn it, cry it out. hug a tree. purge emotions and ground. good luck

I have no advice, but I am sending lots of love to you during this difficult time.

Lots of love to you,

Wendi
XOXOXO

David,
I do have a kitty and I am sure he will help me get thru this.
Rawtastic, I do write sort of a journal.Actually its a direct dialog with God.I sit with a pad and paper and write what Iwould say to God if it were a person in the room with me.
Wendi,I had been watching tv just now and felt some hope coming on.
I came in and found your post.
It means alot!

Brian

One thing i did this time is immediately tell this person I slipped up again with the beer,so I at least am learning that skill,no matter what the cost.Didnt lie.Didnt cover it up.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/19/2008 12:31AM by Raw1228.

I can't help but notice that you have the same type of personality or postings as someone else I was close with for a brief period of time. Strange events happened in her life, what she considered tragic and something that a person would have sympathy for her due to, and so she would post on a public forum personal events in order to gain attention.

This post and many others regarding your alcoholism, your "relationship" (with posts guised as seeking advice, but they are clearly meant for this "relationshipee" or former lover to see), and then your criticism of others cause me to question you, your intentions on this forum, your insight as a person, how you treat others as a mechanism for your own purposes and to develop sympathy for you.

My advice would be to view others in the light of what you can offer to them, NOT GAIN FROM THEM. Other people are not a means to your end or whatever you view you "need" or want.

Hi Brian,
this is a hard time but think that your soulmate is yourself.
After you find your soulmate (yourself),you will find evryone that you want.
Because of that it is important to love yourself because you are your soulmate.

Think on a time that you were a kid.Close your eyes,go back to 3,5 years old and talk with that kid .Ask him,little Brian, what he wants.Tell him that you will take care of him from now on and he can trust you, big Brian.
Hug him and tell him that you will never leave him again,and from now on you will
hear him more and do what he wants.

After you come back,write him a letter.And also,let him write you a letter too.

This is so powerful.If you want to check this out look at John Bradshaw's book Homecoming,Reclaiming your inner child.

Hi Brian,
this is a hard time but think that your soulmate is yourself.
After you find your soulmate (yourself),you will find evryone that you want.
Because of that it is important to love yourself because you are your soulmate.

Think on a time that you were a kid.Close your eyes,go back to 3,5 years old and talk with that kid .Ask him,little Brian, what he wants.Tell him that you will take care of him from now on and he can trust you, big Brian.
Hug him and tell him that you will never leave him again,and from now on you will
hear him more and do what he wants.

After you come back,write him a letter.And also,let him write you a letter too.

This is so powerful.If you want to check this out look at John Bradshaw's book Homecoming,Reclaiming your inner child.

Hi Brian,

I also recently broke up with my gf. We were together for almost 3 years. Actually I am doing just fine. I keep myself busy in work and hobbies and I no longer miss her that much. I do think of her but it is not upsetting. Just keep the chin up, keep yourself busy, and you will be fine! Try to hit on women left, right and center and that should distract you .

Utopian,
Interesting insights.
Cy,
I have thought of doing that...visualizing your inner child.
I have a picture of me at 5 yrs old in my foyer and walk past it every day and think how could I want to hurt that little boy.At least anymore.
dinesh,
Sorry about your breakup.
I think the hobby thing will be a big one for me.I had (have) many.Bodybuilding,nutrition,woodworking,painting,working on my car, model railroading.
As far as hitting on women,its probably the last thing I should be doing now.
But I know what you meant
Brian

I hope this thread has helped anyone who is in a similar situation.

Thank you all for the insights and advice.
I am putting alot of them into practice.
Brian



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/21/2008 04:05PM by Raw1228.

cy

<<this is a hard time but think that your soulmate is yourself.
After you find your soulmate (yourself),you will find evryone that you want.
Because of that it is important to love yourself because you are your soulmate.>>

smile... hey cy... cool advice there
but i don't think i fit the criterion for "soulmate" for myself
uh... no... but i understand what u are saying

i think that veronique is well... uh... let's just say " lacking"
in a few items....
she's okay but definetely not my soulmate

nah... i'm not good enuff for me LOL

I always pictured a soulmate as someone other than yourself.
But yea,I see you have to be your own best friend before getting involved.
Brian

So sort of a detox from an old soulmate into a new one might be going on now..

La Veronique you are very good for yourself,in fact you are the one for you.
Would you like to have a weekend with yourself? Would you like to make food for yourself,treat yourself good,give yourself a bath,a sun bathing, a nice smoothie,a green veggie, a good gift,a book?
If you say yes,you are the one for you.
Like a best friend.I believe that our soulmate is our best friend.
Enjoy your best friend-you .I'm sure that you are the one for you.

Brian,I read that when unfortunate things happen to us,we think on them for long time and get depressed,and that is not good for our brain (the limbic part of the brain).So in order to heal this part of the brain it's good to make a list of (at least) 10 happiest time in your life.Describe them in detail,using all your 5 senses.It is very good to surround yourself with great smells too.Smell and memory are processed in the same area of the brain."Because smells activate neurocircuits in the deep limbic system,they bring a more complete recall of events,which gives one access to details of the past with great clarity."Smells have an effect on moods.Pleasant fragrances are like anti-inflammatory.Having good smells,and new ones will help you to calm down,be happier and construct a good memory and mood.And also will affect the working of your brain in a powerful and positive way.

I'm building my good memories and my new smells (like cinnamon,clove,vanilla,peach,honey,grass in the rain).

cy,
I hear your point,but it leaves me feeling like what do we need other people for.And if we all reached that point,the human race would die out,cause we would not seek mates anymore.But yes,thats a drastic view to have.

Anyway,the smell thing is very interesting.I might try aromatherapy,as certain smells instantly bring back good memories of things.I actually have the ability to read my old journals and sort of go back in time and re-live an event.Feel the same emotions.This helps me feel good.A smell might be a good supplement to doing that.
Thanks!
Brian

Brian,if you love yourself it will be easy to have any relationship you want because you will not need that person,but like her or want her.
We don't need anybody.We have ourselves,but we can want somebody and so love them.
Love,Cy