to remain friends after a break up?

if so, how?

is this just a myth?

i hope not
i really want to believe it is possible



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2008 06:12AM by la_veronique.

I assume that is a rhetorical question LaV ? I know three of such cases. The how is just having a mutual respect.. it isn't that hard.

I've seen it happen. I suppose if the folks had something in common beyond the relationship.....mutual ties and interests....and there was still mutual respect. Cliche alert: Unfortunately familiarity sometimes breeds contempt.

-David Z. Mason

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

lightform:

<<I assume that is a rhetorical question LaV ?>>

assumption is correct but i still wish for further insight

<<I know three of such cases. The how is just having a mutual respect.. it isn't that hard.>>

this gives me some comfort... some... not sure what u mean by " it isn't that hard"


DMZ

<<I've seen it happen. I suppose if the folks had something in common beyond the relationship.....mutual ties and interests....and there was still mutual respect.>>


"mutual ties and interest " beyond the relationship

yes, i agree... i think that is vital

i think friendship is a beautiful thing and there is nothing " just" about
"just being friends"
friendship takes a lot to cultivate and ...

well, ... thanks for the advice...

other insights are appreciated too

i am friends with, or at least friendly with all of my ex's. it's totally doable!

that is miraculous coco

how on earth did you achieve that?

If the people involved don't have feelings of resentment and/or attachment, I think it is definately possible.

attachment .. hmmmm... or non attachment

is that the realm of yogis or ordinary human beings?

holding oneself responsible for ones emotion is within the realm of human beings

i think there will always be some sort of "attachment" even attachment to friendship or the other person's smile or presence

or even being attached to the notion of me wanting him to have a beautiful happy and fulfilling life

anyhow

i understand what you are saying

i think it is challenging though

but it will without a single shadow of a doubt

be worth it

Me too. Stayed friends with a few of them. Really good friends with my first love.

It all boils down to the meaning/requirement/emphasis which the individuals place upon their relationships. Alot of people have these strong egocentric concepts of what they need to be as premoted by society, religion and ethnic cultural ties. When one believes that another person is "responcable" for them, and that their actions must conform to certain standards for the sake of propriety etc... it allows that other person to perpetrate offence against them.

If you let go of those requirements, the other persons actions will no longer carry the weight of disrespect or hurt. If you can allow that the other person is free to choose what ever they wish, then you will no longer be hurt by their actions. It is like what Kate Byron says... what are you believing about that other persons actions which makes you feel bad ?

I think that the people who split up and remain friends are those that don't have such rigid ideas about how a relationship "needs" to be, or place such demands on the other person. Of course there are always the instances where once the romantic attraction is ended, that there is no further mutual interest, but that is quite different to parting with resentment. Anyway... change is the only constant in life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/29/2008 03:34AM by Lightform.

Lightform

that is so freeing what u said
yeah, katie byron is like the bhagavad gita and the tao te ching
rolled up into a lingo for the layperson

is it no wonder that she also is married to a guy that translates both these seminal works of art/literature?

at any rate, thanks for the reminder
i actually don't have any resentment at all

i am more awestruck than anything else

lightforms - Beautiful answer!

la_veronique - I meant attachment in an ego-centric way. You have to be able to let the person go and just be supportive and want the best for the other person. I once tried to remain friends with an ex-boyfriend, but he would got incredibly jealous when I dated someone new, even though we mutually agreed that our relationship would not work (and he was dating new people). This sabotaged our ability to remain friends.

hi joanne

i understand what you are saying
and i also think that it is an incredible challenge to rise above our own egos
i am not even sure if this is possible to be perfectly honest

la_veronique Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
it is an incredible
> challenge to rise above our own egos
> i am not even sure if this is possible to be
> perfectly honest

so so true. it is possible i believe
once we realize what is ego in us we are exposing it
when we expose it it`s power diminishes and awareness grows
we probably will not rise completely above it, maybe sometime in the evolution of humans i`m thinking there`s probably alot of suffering going to take place before that happens

all the love and affection that i ever had for any lover or boyfriend is still the same, i am certainly still attached to them and to the idea of having them in my life, there is no unattachment happening there! the thing that i am not attached to is the need to have their lives play out according to my ideals and wishes. but i am like this while in a relationship too, i want what is best for my partner as that is what is ultimately best for me and for us in whatever configuration our relationship evolves to. i mean by that that if a partner met someone who they felt would be a better match for them than i am i would gladly give them my blessing to pursue it. not that i might not cry or suffer a bit of a broken heart about it, it might not be what i had envisioned for myself and for "Us" but i feel like those thoughts are just resistance and only serve to cause unneccessary stress. it is an arguement with reality, if you like.

don't think by this that i don't love passionately and fiercely, i do, i absolutely DO, and easily too, i fall in love just like that when i feel that it is "right". i am very open to the experience of love, i don't worry about getting hurt because that is inevitable in life and i don't mind it so much. i just let go of the notion of having to possess the object of my affection and i am happy just to have them in my life period. as a lover, as a friend near or far. love is huge, it can't be contained in the "girlfriend/boyfriend" box no matter how much we believe that it can be and i think it would be a slap in the face of the feelings i had felt during an intimate relationship to just toss them aside once the sexual aspect of our knowing eachother was through. how could i call those feelings real then? how real were they, really?

just my thoughts.

I'd like some of whatever Coco is having.

I am not that advanced.

I read Byron Katie's love book, too, and it didn't help.

I am still writhing in agony and missing him.

i'm sorry to hear that arugula. i know that feeling and it can be very consuming. i wish you peace and acceptance and the strength to let go and move on.

Yeah coco!!!

I LOVE that post, yo.

Children taught me how to rise above my ego.

thanks for your post coco

Yep, case in point: I'm good friends with one of my exes, and perfectly comfortable around my ex-husband (although he's not as comfortable around me yet). The ex-boyfriend was my 'first love' and the first guy I lived with, and when we broke up in the '70s I was really devastated for about 2 years. (Well, it probably helped that we dropped acid together; that undoubtedly added some drama to the whole scenario.) Then we tried it again a few years later (the relationship, not acid... been there, done that...) but still broke up after a few months. This time the spell was broken and I wasn't upset. Fast forward about 20 years and he e-mailed me from Canada. (Great shock to me, as I'd had an intense dream in which he had died and crossed over and came to say good-bye to me, so I had been quite sure he was no longer living.) We're great friends now and I'm glad he's in my life. It's nice not to feel in the least attracted to him any more.

Sharrhan:


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