After a few years of slow decline with Alzheimer's, then a bout of pneumonia that led to a heart attack and stroke, and finally a coma, my dad died last night at around midnight. I didn't find out till this afternoon, but last night I distinctly 'felt' my dad saying goodbye to me.

I wanted to spend this weekend remembering my dad and celebrating his life. Instead, I'm struggling with the fact that my brother didn't even bother to call me to tell me Dad had died. Instead he chose to notify me casually in an e-mail to a couple of family counsins and family friends. I called my Mom, and she mentioned that he had been busy calling all sorts of old friends of the family for several hours, so it seems really strange not to be included.

It's also been pre-arranged (per a conversation with my brother a couple of days ago) that I shouldn't bother to come to the funeral.

My cousin Linda sent a reply to my brother's e-mail-- a reply she knew I'd read because she hit the 'reply to all' button-- and in it she said she wanted to hug my brother and my mother and share in their grief. No mention of me, even though I sent a loving response to that e-mail yesterday, and she had to have read it and realized I was included in the e-mail recipients. It's as though I dont exist. So instead of celebrating my dad and lovingly releasing him (which I'm still trying to do), I'm struggling all over again (after years of being blissfully free) with the fact that I'm still the adopted, insignificant black sheep of my family.

Sharrhan:


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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/06/2010 11:23PM by kwan.

kwan Wrote:
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> After a few years of slow decline with
> Alzheimer's, then a bout of pneumonia that led to
> a heart attack and stroke, and finally a coma, my
> dad died last night at around midnight. I didn't
> find out till this afternoon, but last night I
> distinctly 'felt' my dad saying goodbye to me.
I'm sorry your family members were so inconsiderate after
the loss of your Father. My spiritual side says to put the best
possible construction on the actions of others.....easier said than
done. What are your feelings now? I hope you can work through all this.
I lost my Father after he lingered for many years in a Nursing Home.
In his final condition, it was more of a blessing than a loss.
I've done a lot of soul-searching about Death, and developing a
philosophy about it.
Take care of yourself. I know your husband is being supportive.....WY

Kwan,

my heart goes out to you. It is difficult to process a parents death on it's own without having to deal with your other relatives tactlessness. I think if you want to, you should go to the funeral. I cannot believe how rude and inconsiderate you mom and brother are being towards you; it sounds heartbreaking. I hope you can be strong through all this.

sending you positive energy,

m

It saddens me to see how callous people can be to others during such a heartbreaking time; it just leaves me speechless. My heart goes out to you. I am so glad that you have a pillar of support,strength, and comfort in your husband. And remember that you have many friends who do love you fiercely...

Hey friends!--
I'm feeling fine again and I'm 'over it.' Jonathan and I are celebrating my dad's passing with our own celebration; the hurt has dissolved. It was really, really helpful to 'vent' and work through my feelings, and I am so appreciative of all the loving friends whose love and healing energy are very tangible right now.

Thank you! :-)

Sharrhan:


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Hey sweetie sending you all my hugs and love , knowing how you feel , well meaning family can be crazy at these times , i had to send a strong worded message out to all of mine to back off and let mom and me do our thing.

*HUGS*

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

My condolences, kwan. It's good that you are celebrating your father in your own special way, as your relationship with him must have been unique anyhow. I wish you peace amid the grief and turmoil.

Hi lovely people,

Just wanted to update: I've gotten such a beautiful outpouring of love and healing from all my wonderful friends that all sadness has left me. I am celebrating my Dad's life here in Massachusetts-- I always hated funerals anyway!!! -- and he and I are together in non-local reality, so everything is fine.

I'll call my mom again tonight or tomorrow and check in on her. I'm so glad she has a little cat that my brother bought her a few months ago to keep her company. This cat is incredibly affectionate and follows my mom everywhere she goes, so I know she won't' be totally alone at this difficult time.

I was thinking yesterday about what I celebrate most about my dad's life, and I realized, once again: my mate, Jonathan, attracted me in part because he mirrored my dad's traits of loyalty, devotion, humor, kindness, high integrity, and 'high romance' in the way he related to my mother. So every time I appreciate Jonathan I am also celebrating having had a dad who was a wonderful husband to my mom.

I'm not sure when the funeral is happening-- I suspect it was today. I played music in the subway today, and had a wonderful time. It was exactly the right place to be. My dad used to always ask me, jokingly "Are you still playing in the street?" I feel he was with me today in spirit, smiling and enjoying the music.

Sharrhan:


[www.facebook.com]

kwan Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm not sure when the funeral is happening-- I
> suspect it was today. I played music in the subway
> today, and had a wonderful time. It was exactly
> the right place to be. My dad used to always ask
> me, jokingly "Are you still playing in the
> street?" I feel he was with me today in spirit,
> smiling and enjoying the music.
Very touching!! Now where would you play your
music if you and Jonathan moved to Costa Rica??....WY



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/09/2010 03:27AM by Wheatgrass Yogi.

>Now where would you play your
music if you and Jonathan moved to Costa Rica??<

Arrrgh! I hadn't thought about that till you mentioned it. */* I would really miss it. On the bright side though, the Jobim bossa novas that I love to play would probably be very popular in Costa Rica.

Sharrhan:


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Kwan, Im very sorry, stay strong and keep on keeping it on sister
Peace rhb

(((((hugs))))) Sorry doll, sad. But glad to hear you are reconciling with it in your own peaceful and loving way. Many blessings to you and J-bird. XO.

Update:
My mom and I talk on the phone every other day. She was really doing well yesterday; I was so happy that she sounded strong and was also remembering all kinds of happy experiences with my dad. She has a wonderful network of friends around her, and my brother is there every day to help her, and most importantly, she's got her cat, Lady-- who adores her-- to keep her company.

There was no funeral; there was a cremation instead. (That would have been my choice too.) And the memorial service is coming up on Tuesday. Sounds like tons of people who loved my dad will be there. Wish Jonathan and I could be there, but it's really okay-- I no longer feel 'dis-included;' I will visit my mom in a few months, and it'll be better then.

My brother sent me several photos of my dad, and I'm going to choose one of them and make a drawing or painting based on it, at some point, to send to my mom.

Sharrhan:


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kwan,

I am glad that you have found ways to be at peace with the loss of your father and have found your own way to honor him. Peace.


My favorite raw vegan

Kwan, so sorry about your Dad. Alzheimers is hard.

I'm so glad things are better with your family, and of course you know you're part of our family here as well!

The picture sounds like a wonderful idea for your Mom!

Kwan,sorry for your Dad. I'm happy that you are doing well.
My prayers go to you and for your Dad.

Hi Kwan

<<he and I are together in non-local reality, so everything is fine.>>

It sounds like you have a very wonderful dad with a very beautiful spirit.

I use the present tense because love never dies.

Hi everybody,

It's been about a month since my dad's passing, and so much has happened. It's hard to put into words the positive things that have transpired since my dad's passing, but in some inexplicable but very tangible way he left me a very big 'inheritance,' not of money, but of wonderful spiritual blessings. In the couple of weeks after he passed, I felt his spirit near me almost daily, in an impersonal yet very loving way, and it was as if he was surveying at all of the things in my life I most wanted to change and bring into order and harmony, and somehow he was able to quite miraculously help me so that all of these things came into sharp focus and I no longer feel 'stuck' in several key areas of my life. Especially my creative ventures. I had felt unmotivated for months... years! The week my dad died I started to notice huge excitement and motivation returning. Now I can't stop creating beadwork and music, and I've also noticed a profound shift in level of FEAR. I was so afraid of world events and trends. Suddenly that just got shut off. I'm able to focus on very specific goals now and get things done; before it was like I had ADHD or something-- I just couldn't seem to find a way to channel my creative energies!, lol.

I know my loving friends were praying and meditating for me, and I'm sure that had a lot to do with the changes, but I'll always know in my heart that my dad also left me some very meaningful farewell gifts. So it's been a beautiful journey, and everybody is doing well. My mom is already in a new apartment-- she's happy because there were too many memories in their apartment, and it made her sad.

Thanks to all of you for your kind thoughts. XOXO

Sharrhan:


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kwan,

So glad to hear that you are thriving in this new life passage of yours. How wonderful that your dad's leaving this earth has given you a deeper authority over your place in it : )

geez tamukha

u always say the most surprisingly elegant things

:-) I quite agree, laV: Tamukha is eloquent to the max! :-)

Sharrhan:


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Awwww, thanks you two : )

yeah,

tamukh rawwcks raspberries