A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.


The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.



The local newspaper read:



'PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT'.




The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity



that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day, the local newspaper headline read:



'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS'.




This was too much for the bishop



so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.



The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.



The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:



'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'.




The bishop fainted.



He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,



so she sold it to a farmer for $10.



The next day the paper read:



'NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10'.







As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey



and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.



The next day the headlines read:



'NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'.




The bishop was buried the next day....




The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion



can bring you much grief and misery ...and even shorten your life.



So be yourself and enjoy life.....

Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole,

and a baby mole all live

together in a little mole hole.



One day, papa mole sticks his head

out of the hole, sniffs the air

and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"



The mama mole sticks her head

out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,

"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"



Now baby mole is trying

to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,

but can't because the bigger moles

are in the way. This makes him whine,

"Geez, he says, all I can smell is....





MOLASSES!

A DEFINITION OF CAPITALISM

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


AMERICAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated generel offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for
five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.


AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


FRENCH CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
YOu go on strike because you want three cows.


JAPANESE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.


GERMAN CAPITALISM;

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


BRITISH CAPITALISM;

You have two cows.
Both are mad.


ITALIAN CAPITALISM;

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.


RUSSIAN CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You count them and learn that you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
YOu stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.


SWISS CAPITALISM;

You have 500 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.


CHINESE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and silence the newsman who reported the numbers.


NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM;

You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute.

lol nice ones

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Hi learningtofly,
really good joke its so true about others opinions

I've been that way most of my life always trying to "fit in" or to be what others wanted me to be or whatever I felt would make life easier. Its so hard living that way though it really does bring alot of unhappiness.

The first time in my life I really felt comfortable just relaxing and having fun and being myself was on this board and in the chatroom and alot more so with those I've gotten closer to from here. Its shown me alot and another side of life. I became both happy and sad happy to have found a better way sad it seemed so far away.

I met a friend last summer that I started to get to know(same one I was telling you about before) and I felt very relaxed with her and just acted like my normal strange and loopy self, lol!! and I felt more happy than I ever had in all my life. I still do anytime I'm around her at times. Of course I still feel uncomfortable with most people so I always put up a front and well usually talk up a storm about the same stuff over and over(its a nervous habit when I'm less comfortable) I guess its cause I feel insecure around most people and well I feel weaker than them and it makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway sorry to get so far off topic here I hope I haven't totally killed the mood for jokes on here cause I want more of them

here's a joke I found a long time ago ummmmmm oh I donno somewhere anyway, well here it goes

a large company brought in a new CEO to kind of shake things up a little cause they felt employees were getting too layed back and needed to shape up a little

so Monday morning the new CEO comes into the office and he walks in and right up to one young man whos leaning against the doorway and says to him "how much do you make in a week?" he says "I make about $300 a week why" the CEO just pulls out some cash and says "well here's 6 weeks pay!! now get out of here and don't come back!!" and hands him $2000

Feeling kinda proud of himself the CEO looks around at everyone then says "so anyone wanna tell me what that moron did around here anyway" One of the other employees replied "that was the pizza delivery guy!!!"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/21/2007 07:31AM by singinraw.

great joke ltf and the others were good too


A fishing boat was docked in a tiny coastal village south of the border. An American tourist complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long", answered the fisherman. "Then why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The man said that his small catch was enough for his family. The American asked, "What do you do with the rest of your time?" The fisherman replied, "I sleep late, play with my children, catch a few fish, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar and sing a few songs. I have fun…"

The American interrupted, "Hey, I have an MBA from Duke and I can help you. Start by fishing longer every day and selling the extra fish you catch then you can buy a bigger boat. The larger boat will bring in more money and you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet. Instead of selling to a middleman, you can sell directly to the processing plants. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, LA or New York City! There you can direct your enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman. "20-25 years", replied the American. "And after that?" asked the fisherman. "That's when it gets really interesting", answered the American, smiling. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fisherman.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny coastal village, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

Hee hee, all great jokes! I love the irony of that one fresh.....very Jimmy Buffett.

not a joke but so funny!!

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

And, the pick of the bunch:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

good laugh, coco. Im going to pass that along.

ROFL !!!! lol

my fave Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
hee hee hee

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

glad you like! here's another, one of my faves.

beezlebug: a mosquito that gets into you bedroom late at night and cannot be cast out!

Excellent value
Heres some more...


Insurance Claims

The following excuses are from actual insurance
claim forms that are intended to concisely
summarise the accident.


Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through
it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over
the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an
intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave
way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared. It was too late to
stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front. I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found I had a skull
fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck
him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road and I was later found in a ditch by some
stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I tried to swerve out of its way, when it
struck the front of my car.

JOKES:

Q. What's red and hot?
A. Summa Strawberry!

Q. How do you make a banana nut milk shake?
A. Jump out and yell, BOO to the banana

Q. Why is a pea small and green?
A. Because if it was large and red it would be a tomato!

Q. Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory?
A. He couldn’t concentrate!

Q. Why was the mushroom invited to lots of parties?
A. Because he was a fungi to be with!

Q. Why did the orange stop at the top of the hill?
A. Because it ran out of juice!

Q. Why did the man pour veggies all over the world?
A. He wanted peas on earth.

Q. Where do baby apes sleep?
A. In apricots

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing

Q: What vegetable might you find in your basement?
A: Cellar-y.

Q: What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A: A Brussels' scout.

Q: What vegetable do you need a plumber for?
A: A Leek.

Q: Why do potatoes make good detectives?
A: Because they keep their eyes peeled.

Q: Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks?
A: The Salad Bar.

Q: What is small, red and whispers?
A: A hoarse radish.

Q: What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots?
A. String beans

Q: Why is it not wise to tell secrets in a cornfield?
A: There are too many ears.

Q: When is a cucumber like a strawberry?
A: When one is in a pickle and the other is in a jam.

Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.

Q: What did the lettuce say to the celery?
A: Quit stalking me.

Q: What do you say to rotten lettuce?
A: You should have your head examined.

Q: Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!

Boy Melon: Honey, can we run away and get married?
Girl Melon: Sorry, I cantaloupe.

Two carrots are riding in a car and they get into a terrible accident. They're rushed to a hospital. One carrot has only scrapes and bruises, but the other carrot is rushed to surgery. Hours later the doctor comes out and says to the first carrot, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

What did the banana peel say when the raw foodist slipped on it?
Nothing, banana peels don't talk.

If you had ten bananas in one hand, and ten oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
Really big hands.

What's worse than a vegan finding a worm in an apple?
A vegan finding HALF a worm in an apple.

lol !! thanks hahaha too funny

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

ok, this isn't a joke but i found some of it so funny i was laughing out loud.

[lolsecretz.blogspot.com]

Laugh yer heart out !

Church Bulletins


The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used
to cripple children.

The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with
any church.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him thier electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self-esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7pm, Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing 'Break Forth into Joy'.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespear's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 pm
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's
daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano which as usual fell upon her.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev
and Mrs Julius Belzer.

This afternoon ther will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be
baptised at both ends.

Tuesday there will be an ice-cream social at 4 pm. All ladies giving milk please come early.

Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little
Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those
wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church
basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

At the early evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'what is Hell?' Come early
and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the presbyterian church. Please use the large double door at
the side entrance.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

Eight new chior robes are needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.

Mrs Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Senior Chior invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their
first child.

The Lutheran Men's Group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert
will be served for a nominal feel.

mmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

i luv jokes

mmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

yes!

Real Newspaper Ads
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 @#$%& Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog ... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

!!!!!!

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .... uphill BOTH ways, yadda, yadda, yadda! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napster! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids' and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!!!!!!!!!

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Oh yea, and a seatbelt was Mom throwing her arm across your chest every time she hit the brakes

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Go Jodi

Heres some more

English Subtitles to Hong Kong Movies


I am Damn unsatisfied to be killed this way.

Fatty, you with your think face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again ?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here ?

Quiet you I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence, I shouldn't have ordered the glutinous rice chicken.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognisable shape!

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold ?

Here are some English Subtitles to Taiwanese Raw Food Soap Operas



I am damn unsatisfied to be killed without ever eating durian

Fatty Avojamocado, you with your think face have hurt my squishy mango insteps

Raisin holes again?

Same old rules: no eyeing groins. Then no apple pie for you!


If man eat too much cacaos, he steal pituitaries for blackmarket!

Damn, if you burn your food, and can't eat raw, you are a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, and eat your veggies besides nobody wants to spank you without pants.

Who gave you nerves to say " I will die if I go raw?" Say it again, and I will kill you.

Quiet! Stop complaining about how expensive Tommy's on-line ice cream is or I will blow your throat up .


If you order glutinous rice chicken , you leave me no choice but to use violence.

I'll eat raspberry chocowokokiwi pies aimlessly if you don't prepare raw gourmet spaghetti for me.


You daring lousy SAD man.

Eating fruit for a month beat him out of recognizable shape.

He got more boils on his skin from detox than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! MSM claims to reconnect your bones.

The cayenne lemon juice was VERY hot but why do i feel so cold?

*peeing. peeing with laughter*

"and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!"

BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Turtles can breathe through their butts

lol LaV those are great

hehe another thing about cows . if you hold their tails strait up they cant kick !

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Ok... I just got these from a friend and they are chokingly funny

These are from a book called
Disorder in the
American Courts, and are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all? WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________ ______ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh ==== ng me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th? WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
___________________________________ ______ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with
male. _____ ________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The
live
ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around
8:30
p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?
WITNE SS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS:
No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible
that he
could have been alive and practicing law.

hee hee hee, the voodoo one is my fave.

here's little man's joke of the moment (i confess that i taught it to him)

A knock knock

B who's there

A nobody

B nobody who?




B nobody who?




B nobody who?!




Ha ha ha ha ha.

oh, wait, did i tell you that one already? shoot.

hey coco

i didn't GET it

whats up with that?

explain please

sigh. nobody likes that joke except for me and him.

when you tell a knock knock joke and the person you are telling it says _____ who? you are supposed to tell the punch line but since there is nobody there in this joke you just don't say anything because there is nobody there, right? so they keep saying nobody who? nobody who? and you keep saying nothing because nobody is there. it's funny when they get all mad and then they finally get it and have that lightbulb moment. IF they get it that is!

YEAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS I GOTTTTT ITTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!