In a heightened, expansive state I experienced myself going inward,
But quickly I was blanketed in a suffocating, thick cloud of paranoia.
It was not long before I came to the startling and stark realization:
This intesnse fear that I am feeling so fully right now, this minute
Is exactly, precisely the same fear that I am always feeling everyday!
Only I just filter it, step it down, and label it 'background anxiety'
As I go through my day, experiencing life in mundane human reality.

Then I asked myself, "Is the primal fear about the inescapable-- Death?"
"Or is it a mechanism to escape from the dark, subconscious realm?"
Trembling a bit as I considered the options, I looked deeper within.
Almost instantaneously I saw a vision that told me another truth:
In my mind's eye I clearly saw a wall: a round, circular, tangled fence
Built out of a bramble, a thicket of thoughts, feelings and concepts
Surrounding and cutting me off from a brilliant, amazingly white Light.
I could see the light so plainly, shining steadily, a white orb
Resplendent and inviolable, yet hid almost completely by the Wall.
The Light hiding behind the wall of my thoughts is none other than
The Luminous Reality that lies deep within me at the core of my being!

Fear is just a way of holding back that beautiful, all-encompassing Light.
And why we do so is a veiled mystery until we reflect upon this:
If we step out of the shadows of our thoughts we are not minimized,
Nor do we burn. We only step into the Realm of True Form, ablaze with Love.

Sometimes the wall is built of layer upon layer of love's best offerings
Resembling a gorgeous crown of jewels, or a circle of trees in spring.
And sometimes it'a an ugly construction of fears and apprehensions
Resembling more the fence of Auschwitz or the cliffs of Alkatraz.

But always, it's only a net of slippery illusions hiding the Light,
Which like the sun, always shines just behind the machinations of the mind.

Real interesting Kwan. I read your post a few times. Some thoughts that come to me are, it seems paradoxical. Like to realy connect with that inner light would be to be eternal, but eternal doesn't realy equate into a "..." state of existence. Like that wall seems like it is existence itself ?

Maybe it isn't ever possable to fully experience an unfiltered sense of the light because of this fact. Even when we drop our barriers and experience various states of devine connection we still have a wall but it is in a different form now, and it is only through comparison to what we are normaly that the greatness of this new expression can be known.

What do you mean about the fear and how it is a mechanism to escape the dark or the certainty of death, and how it underlies every day anxieties ?
It sounds like that vision was real intense, I would like to see that too.

i too would like to have a break through like that. i love what you say here:

"This intesnse fear that I am feeling so fully right now, this minute
Is exactly, precisely the same fear that I am always feeling everyday!
Only I just filter it, step it down, and label it 'background anxiety'
As I go through my day, experiencing life in mundane human reality. ""

i can so relate to that. i have really bad panic attacks for no reason at least every week.

and yes, what is this fear? why are we so anxious and fearful that we put barriers up between us and the light (true happiness). what is holding us back?

i often ask myself why will i not allow myself to just be happy?

great posting, kwan.

Hi Lightform--
I was saying (but words are so inadequate!) that I found, to my pleasant surprise, that the fear was not related to death or the dark realms of the subconscious, but just my ego's unwillingness to experience complete Oneness. It's actually a joyful discovery. :-)

Pilhourova--
Thanks. :-) I was so surprised to realize that the slight nervous energy I feel day-in and day-out (and yes, sometimes it springs out into outright anxiousness) is actually this primordial fear that is always with us, 'protecting' us from the annihilation of the small human self that fears it would lose something by merging with the All.

Sharrhan:


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gorgeous post kwan
i'm gonna read it again too

Hi kwan,

Very interesting post.
Isn't it nice to know the light is there. This is hopeful since it sounds like the light is always there no matter what wall we may have. I like your description 'thicket of thoughts'. I can picture it and relate.

The trick for me is as you say 'If we step out of the shadows of our thoughts'. Yay, lets do it! Oh but how? If it is always shining then it must be reachable.

Thanks for sharing, Kit

hi kwan

i am wondering if the wall and the light is synonymous

i thinnk they are if u disintegrate the wall u find it is composed of photons

and the photons are bristling with joy

pihourova Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> i too would like to have a break through like
> that. i love what you say here:
>
> "This intesnse fear that I am feeling so fully
> right now, this minute
> Is exactly, precisely the same fear that I am
> always feeling everyday!
> Only I just filter it, step it down, and label it
> 'background anxiety'
> As I go through my day, experiencing life in
> mundane human reality. ""
>
> i can so relate to that. i have really bad panic
> attacks for no reason at least every week.
>
> and yes, what is this fear? why are we so anxious
> and fearful that we put barriers up between us and
> the light (true happiness). what is holding us
> back?
>
> i often ask myself why will i not allow myself to
> just be happy?
>
> great posting, kwan.


Hi Camille, I pm'd you!