Hey all,
I wanted to share a little something I wrote last year around Christmas

it was really just emotions pouring out of me from the way I really felt then. I felt that way for years and years really it came from being so alone so much and having nothing to look forward too other than whatever I could do by myself it got too sad.

awww well here it is





Twas the night before Christmas in cold lonely home
not an email or pm I feel so alone
feeling so empty so lost in despair
so sad and lonely wishing someone would care
theres sad folks alone that cry in their beds
while visions of suicide dance in their heads
laying there crying with sadness and that
crying to sleep for along winters nap
alone in the dark I feel just shattered
I shutter and cry knowing just whats the matter
I'm sad I'm alone I feel I should crash
my car to a tree I'll be gone in a flash
with the moon in the sky and the sun shines so low
maybe jump from a cliff to the rocks down below
all through the night my eyes fill with tears
crying and wishing a friend would just hear
as I cry for it just to be over quick
my bodies so weak I just feel so sick
I keep checking emails and pms and none came
I guess no one cares the tears fall like rain
just faster and faster I keep stuffing the chips in
with a hot bowl of nacho cheese so to dip them
faster and faster and faster I fall
I'm hurting so much I just don't care at all
as I lay here so sick and continue to cry
I look up to see theres no stars in the sky
I feel the cold air I know that I'm through
with health foods with rawfoods and life too
then I see a squirell on a roof
I see the way of the world I need no more proof
with jungles of concrete and no nature is found
once creatures of the forest now city bound
humans destroyed the earth and then put
concrete on medows and burned forests to soot
if only there was a way to bring it all back
to the way it once was before all of that
if I say anything friends here think I'm weak and a fairy
and get so annoyed and not make me feel merry
people around me just make me feel low
so then I came here for somewhere to grow
though few people want some dumb looser like me
I'm still mostly alone any nice friends just leave
my only way to comfort is stuff junk in my belly
and I ain't just talking some toast with some jelly
I just cannot stop destroying my health
I'm so sick so tired of me by myself
I'm so full of mucus right from my head
down to my toes I just wish I was dead
even when I eat good it don't really work
it don't get past the sadness and all the hurt
and the loneliness and emptiness grows
how worthless I really am really just shows
when I find comforting friends and they push me away
cause no one wants me I'm worthless what can I say
thats all I explain
now I'm feeling so light
from many substances of all
just to all have a good life

Well, I hope you feel better this year Singingraw! Sounds like you were pretty low.

I've felt like that. Still do sometimes, but I always know it's a passing thing, depending on what I do to pull myself out of it.

If you're still lonely, I volunteer to be your occasional internet friend. (Sorry I have to say "occasional", but I'm unfortunately spending too much time on the internet as it is.)

I've heard it said that Christmastime can be the hardest time for people who live alone.

Don't forget, there are old folks and other needy folks who I'm sure would love and appreciate your company. Many are alone like you are. Alzheimers patients are often alone, even in a group. Some might love for you to sit down with them and read a simple story, even a children's story, with lots of pictures.

Any time you do something like that, you'll feel angels all around you for company.

Enough advice! But I'm assuming you started this thread for a reason. If asking for help wasn't the reason, then maybe you're feeling a lot better now and just wanted to share.

In that case, congratulations on overcoming!

PS: I'm sending you a PM.

Oh..that's such a sad outpouring of emotions. Are you done with that now or are you still feeling that way this year?

Gosh..I hope you are feeling much better now..and if not let us know ok?

Love,
Prism

Hi suncloud,
awww thanks for posting for me and sending pm, it means alot to me I'll write back real soon

awww thats the way I used to feel pretty well all the time. All my life I've felt so sad and alone I felt so alone cause well I was.

I had some friends they were all rough and insensitive though I'm really soft and really sensitive and always felt intimitated with any friends I had I felt I had to do my best not to let anyone see how I really felt I could never be myself I read books to try and act more well "macho" well didn't work so good cause nicknames like little bitch or little girly well kinda seemed to make me feel it just wasn't working. Its just so hard trying to live a lie and be who your not I'm not like normal guy I'm alot more feminine I can't help it its just my personality.

For years and years since I was a kid I hated myself so much I cried everyday pretty well and cried most nights feeling so sad I tried to end it in so many ways and so many times from jumping in front of vehicles to cutting to taking huge overdoses come close often yet still something seemed to protect me or save me somehow then felt so awful later.

A year and a half ago I met a friend that was so much different and I could just be myself with her and felt comfortable and good about everything. Took me months and months to finally trust and let her in and open up to her though cause I'm afraid to trust new friends I felt really safe and relaxed with her right away though for some reason. It changed my whole outlook on life totally.

I started doing all kinds of new things that I used to have to practice at and read books on trying to do like smiling and laughing and stuff it just started happening naturally I was so happy I felt so good I didn't cry anymore I felt so good and I really felt there were things to look forward to that life can be good to live after all.

This last week though I've only seen her for minute or so at a time everytime we plan to meet I get there she just comes and says no time to do nothin now later though then I don't hear till next day and same thing.

awww I haven't felt this bad in a long time I'm just feeling really weak and fragile right now and I just can't take much more I miss feeling happy again and having company to laugh with and talk with. I donno how long I can hold on I'm trying to hold on before I do anything stupid its so hard though I just donno what to do with myself I haven't laughed or smiled once in like a week, it feels so familiar to me I lived most of my whole life that way I just don't wanna have to go back to that again I'd so much rather be dead then have to live like I used to "cries"

awww I'm sorry I just feel really alone could really use some good feelings thanks so much for sending me pm it means alot to me, I'll write back soon as I can and tell you more, awww thanks for listening it means alot



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/17/2007 01:20AM by singinraw.

Hi Prism,
awww well I was feeling alot different and was feeling better and better and happier all the time it felt so good, now I'm starting to really fall back to feeling that way though I'm just drowning in sadness again and I just donno how much more I can take I really miss good times and getting to smile and laugh and just hang out with someone I like being around and can really be myself with.

I'm sorry I'm just really feeling sad again I haven't felt like this for a long time its really familiar to me though and it feels horrible it meant everything to me finally having a friend to be around and feel good with. I really miss that was sposed to get together today and well guess not again, I just feel so alone right now I feel really sad been crying on and off all day and evening

awww I'm sorry thanks so much for listening it really helps knowing there's people out there that care

Hi Singin,

I have a personal question to ask you --

Did you ever take 'medication' for ADHD or anti-depression drugs, etc.? Like when you were a teen-ager, did your parents ever make you take them?

Just trying to figure out why you seem more depressed than others. Everyone has problems, some a lot worse than loneliness -- like physical pain, grieving for a child, etc.

Lois

Singinraw, how old are you and do you live alone or with family, work, go to school? How much into raw foods are you, like what % are you?

Everyone when they are young get melancholy, it's part of the process..as you get older it lessons, due to more outside interests, stronger ego and confidence, pleasing yourself and not others, finding more varied company that is more receptive to who you are..those are all things to look forward to.

You shouldn't be feeling like ending it all, that's overboard, although I got there when I was young also. I wrote things out as an outlet though, and I even wrote a very long letter to Dear Abby once, I don't think I ever sent it though. Writing it out, expressing it as you are doing is good.

We love you, and we want the best for you. Let us know how we can help and keep in mind the abundant Universe will respond to our needs when we ask even when individuals fail us.

Love,
Prism

Hi Prism,
I'm 32, I was sad and lonely and depressed mostly all my life it got worse and worse all the time as I got older specially through twenties and till this last year when I finally really started to feel really good from spending time with friend who I could really be myself with it makes all the difference.

I feel really happy tonight whats really bothering me though really is too much crowding and pressure from others like family and well see one person been showing up every morning really early like five or six or shortly after and keeps banging on door and calling till I answer then end up going for coffee and out n stuf and I can't get to take care of myself in the morning Its just been really really wearing me out so much.

sorry fell asleep writing this I'll continue from here

Its really wearing me out and I'm only getting few hours of sleep or so a night cause of it I wish I could just sleep till I'm ready and wake up and do my usual health things to make me feel better for the day. I'm a really soft and sensitive person and also nervous and uncomfortable with well saying much to people my friend said something then got me to when she was there and I did again later still happens the same though

Its really effecting my health in every way I shouldn't even be using this user name anymore I'm loosing my voice cause of stomach problems and I can't try to go on diet and take care of myself with company showing up almost every morning and not being able to take care of myself then

Same thing again today too I feel so sick I keep throwing up from all the mucus in my stomach I can't do bathroom stuff or anything in morning cause takes me long and company may hollar whats the hold up. I'm feeling so sick and I wanna take care of myself and I just can't seem to get the chance to.

It comes down to speaking up for yourself, maybe do it when your friend leaves for that day, say that tomorrow morning you are not answering the door because you plan on sleeping in and taking care of some personal business. Then, if they show up..just don't answer the door, once they leave then relax and take your time in getting up.

I'm sure it all goes deeper than this though. You will or you won't get a handle on your life, depends on how much you really want something or if you want anything out of life. Try to look at the big overall picture of what it is you want, then do some work and research on attaining that for yourself.

Love,
Prism

baby steps man,
you can definitely do something to improve your life
I know what it's like to feel like you need somebody to help you through your day... sometimes you gotta do it alone, though.
The better you make yourself the more easily you will attract the support system that we'd all love to have!

You say this person keeps banging on your door and it's basically killing you... nobody else can fight this battle for you. You DESERVE to stand up for yourself. I'm not saying it'll be easy, it will probably be difficult and it will probably hurt a lot, but you're already hurting by not doing something to make your life better anyway...

Cheers.

I'm sorry I just can't take anymore, no one been here today thank goodness

Something else happened though I got threatened by someone and I'm going away and will be homeless I'm going to live on the streets wish I had somewhere else to go I don't though and I need to go away

I know what to eat in the wild if I need to I just give up on everything I'm going away no one that ever knew me will ever find me again I got threatened to stay away from only friend I ever had I spent all my life longing for a friend she was gonna take me to doctor to get my stomach and breathing problems checked I won't go now no matter what not ever.

I'm not gonna be around much may check into library tho once in a while. I'm sorry Im giving up like this if you saw messeges I got though you would understand.

I really just don't wanna go back to same old life with only rough aggressive friends. I remember back in late nineties when going to doctor cause I was loosing my voice and throat was so funny and sore and they sent me for cancer tests. Friends I had back then said I was an inconsiderate bastard thinking only of myself and wasting tax payers money I could still be productive with a voice box so stand up and take it like a man and quit @#$%& whinin about it!!!!

Eventually I became a hermit I never went to doctor again and now I'm so scared to I had a friend that wanted me to go and was gonna take me I told her sorry I'm going away now I can't take the threats and I will not ever look after myself I'm going to live on the streets now

I hope things go really well for you all. Thanks so much for all you've all done to try to help me. It really meant alot to me.

There's such wonderful people here I really hope you'll all keep trying to change the world and make it a better place and a place where life doesn't have to be so sad for those that just aren't the same as the rest

please take really good care I wish you all the best forever

What would you do if you were able to help yourself with what you see is your problem?

Other words, how do you see happiness manifesting in your life?

Love,
Prism

hi Prism,
what would help manifest happiness for me really would be to sleep soundly with no worries about pounding on the door for coffee at 6 in morning!!!

I love my sleep and my rest it helps make me feel better I have alot of stomach problems and if I don't get my sleep they get alot worse its horrible.

awww and of course really would be having happy times with friend nobody bothering her or bothering me either that would really make life alot happier

I see those things are simply within your grasp and to manifest them all you need to do is put a note on the door that says 'unavailable, please call after noon or whatever time is ok with you.

As for your friend in particular, the girl, why not have a heart to heart talk with her, schedule on in if she's willing. Be clear about what you'd like to see happen.

If those are the only things then I think you are doing pretty well.

Do you have rent and food covered? Do you pay utilities on time? Is your raw food diet ok with you? If those are ok, and it's an issue of those 2 little things..well you are doing better than a lot of people.

If you have health issues, perhaps finding a new holistic way of dealing with them may help you. What health issues, including any thing like depression along with physical do you want to see you manifest for yourself?

Let's just say you feel you aren't happy with how you look, you like girls, but you don't think you look or feel very masculine, it could be hormonal and by way of just finding that right combo to help your body balance itself may be key.

Let's say you like the way you look and the way you feel, you like girls, with confidence in yourself you will find someone to love and who will love you in return.

If on the other hand there are different issues for you, there are also answers out there for you to help figure out how to get what you want.

I figure if you are into raw foods, you are into health alternatives, you don't smoke, or drink alcohol excessively, or do drugs. If there is no reason for you to see Dr.s why would you agree to go to one? There are other types of health care practitioners out there, like ND's, nutrition/raw food counselors and coaches, etc..maybe one of those would be better.

I think you have gotten over the rough patch and are not going to go homeless, you sound much calmer now. It's ok to rant sometimes, but keep perspective, you are in charge of your life if you want to be.

Love,
Prism

Here is one of my most favorite stories.

So, here it is. I don't know who the author is but saw it (again) on another site.

Cracked Pot

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them." Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

if you are feeling blue during the holidays, maybe you could do something to cheer someone else up

like volunteering at a homeless shelter
doling out food
volunteering at a hospice or rest home

volunteering at a suicide hotline

since you describe yourself as "sensitive", i'm sure you will have the capacity to listen to other people's plight far better than people who have never been through what you have

who knows? you could end up saving people's lives
just by letting them know that you understand what they are going through and being there for them

well, he won't get these posts anyway, since he's gone to live out in the snow

Trying to live in a snow bank is gonna wake you up to reality pretty quick!

I have faith that he did not make himself homeless..he just reached a break point which probably helped him to muster up enough gumption to tell the person to quit coming by in the morning.

Love,
Prism

Hi Prism,
awww well those are main things right now he came knocked when was sleeping again and I woke up and all I said something again though said I only getting bout 3 hours of sleep a night he just said how he already had food shower the rest. Thing is he gets up at 3 in morning!! I don't like waking up when its still dark for hours it makes me more depressed and so does 3 hours of sleep a night. I woke up that early today too I guess just my senses went on alert!!

Well I donno if it made any difference again saying anything I was with my friend today told her bout it and about your idea for leaving a note she said was good idea if this don't work well who knows it her a really long time to get him to stop showing up early I guess he was there banging on her door before mine yesterday!! I guess he wakes up and tries to find anyone awake or get them awake who knows and hey if we were in country at least we wouldn't need a rooster!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2007 12:25PM by singinraw.

sorry I forgot I'm sleepy tho should make chammomile lavender sachel for pillow for sleeping easier earlier to catch up what you think anyone I need my sleep I like my sleep



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2007 12:29PM by singinraw.

btw I wouldn't live in snow bank why not just sleep in car its alot warmer!!!

Hi Veronique,
awww I love listening to people as long as I feel somewhat comfortable with the person I love to be able to be there to listen when my friend has problems she's going through and I wanna try and help

awww volunteering though means less sleep I got so much going on and not getting much chance to juice properly or take care of myself or sleep anymore volunteering would mean even less time to rest and take care

I've been so worn out lately I feel like I'm in a dream like things don't seem real my judgements off I'm slow and I feel really out of it and its draining me in everyway. I wish I could get rested and restored somehow. Its really effecting my stomach problems badly too standing too long always causes alot of cramps too Stomach problem makes back and legs get cramps too so it makes it hard cant lift things now without getting cramps somewhere

That's pretty funny..yes, please make sure to sleep in in car and not in snowbanks

I have a suggestion for you about gaining some energy and restoration. Order some Lugol's 5% Iodine solution, and start out taking anywhere from 1-8 drops per day. My 24 yr. old son started out with 8 drops per day and it lifted a year long depression, and renewed his vigor and energies. Literally it did that for me overnight!

You can find it at jcrows.com and lots of info. about taking it.

It's a suggestion, but if you want my best idea for some better health, better sleep, give that a try. If you want you can just start with 1 drop, but keep adding 1 drop per day until you notice your depression lifting and your energies coming back, and much better sleep. If you have stomach issues you can buy a tablet form of the Iodine called Iodoral, just do a search on the Internet for that. It costs more than the liquid though, but it's easier on the stomach.

I add my liquid Iodine to 1/2 glass of water and drink, with no stomach issues, if I eat something after taking it. Don't take it close to taking anything with vit-c give it a half hour to go thru your system before and after any vit-c foods, or supplements.

For leg cramps and back cramps, try taking a pinch (1/8-1/4 teaspoon) of Epsom Salt in a glass of water before each meal, or take magnesium oxide a couple times thru the day or night. It works great for that issue.

Love,
Prism