Hey girls --

Soraya -- I prize our interaction too -- thanks!!!

Kwan, my jaw literally dropped when I read about what you're going through. I don't know if you remember asking me several months ago to see my art. Well what little I have done this year has not been photographed -- still! I have only drawn ONE picture since I showed my work in June, and this has been on my mind a lot lately, especially with the potential to make money over the holidays and my extreme dissatisfaction with my current job. I was criticized a lot too (and worse, but we won't go there) -- or kind of "on display" because I was extremely intelligent as a child -- it was weird. Looking back, I feel like the few times I went for it creatively were when I was finally in a position to be able to ignore everyone and everything else around me and delve into it (when I was in high school, when my first three kids were teenagers and I was divorced and went to art school). I know that when I go into that creative "zone" I cannot have my three year old around because I will ignore her, or if she breaks through my intense concentration, I will get angry. She does go to preschool part time though, so I COULD do more art. There's also the marketing that I hate to even think about, let alone do. But I COULD do it, and I know I would be very happy if I did do it. And for me, that's part of it -- I can't bring myself to make myself totally happy; for some reason (even after decades of counseling) I feel like I don't deserve it or am not good enough, even though my work has won awards. Or I find something else that "needs to be done first" -- It's very frustrating. And the anxiety -- I get that too. I also get depressed about it. Sometimes I am depressed and anxious at the same time, which is weird. I've taken Rescue Remedy a couple of times for it, which seems to help, but I wish I could just not have to deal with this nonsense and get my a$$ in my art room and produce!!! So I know how you guys feel! What to do?!

*sigh*

Sundancer Wrote:
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And for me, that's part of it -- I
> can't bring myself to make myself totally happy;
> for some reason (even after decades of counseling)
> I feel like I don't deserve it or am not good
> enough, even though my work has won awards. Or I
> find something else that "needs to be done first"...

Oh, I know that "doing something else first" trap rather TOO well! Ditto on the awards and still not getting down to the nitty gritty consistantly. My only show had such an overwhelmingly positive response (at school); I totally floored my Departmental Chairman (Art) - his jaw was on the floor the whole time! He had no idea that was in me ...the work I displayed was totally different from the things / styles I showed in my various classes. My painting professor was surprised, too. I'd started doing my own handmade greeting cards and inspirational bookmarks...??? Didn't keep it up, like many other things. And my writing...sigh...we won't go there right now. But I know that I have to work through this whole emotional thing in order to really get my engines firing, and I've honestly made more progress in my one plus year raw than in the past six plus years of intense therapy..with some medications in the beginning (was extremely suicidal - was kinda necessary evil for a minute there)!

Yep, I'm definitely not the kind of person to only "look on the bright side", Kwan! (Sent you a PM, and will write you soon) You have to deal with the whole totality of who you are... You can't just accept the good parts of a person (yourself, firstly)and expect that to be enough! In order to truly be loving, accepting and understanding, you've got to accept and LOVE all of the aspects, good, bad, "ugly" and indifferent. The parts that have made "mistakes". The parts we have hidden and ducked from examining. EVERY part is required to make a whole.

Oh...a short comment on this blog's title - I think that the woods ARE a part of the path that we are on; we're just so much into the journey sometimes to recognise that...can't see the forest for the trees, you know?

Love you ladies!

***Rough night last night. I was fine until night-time and then...binge. Uggh. My body was QUITE unhappy...still is. BUT I didn't beat myself up over it this time. Resetting and reframing mindset and starting over again ;} Now to get rid of this migraine...***


***Depressed and anxious...that was my life for practically all of my life. Was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety / Panic Disorder (panic attacks are NOT fun!) which are offshoots of my Aspie-ness ( autistic traits).***

:-))))))))))

Soraya, Sundancer--

I don't have time to write much at the moment, but I just want to send you both giant...

!!!********HUGS**********!!!

... and I'll write more later. I'm SO GLAD I started this thread. I'm feeling better already.

Soraya & Sundancer--
I had a really great day today!-- such is the power of not being afraid or ashamed to share my burdens and my thoughts with my online friends, I do believe. I had a busy day, and when I was at the market this afternoon, suddenly I realized "Uh oh, I'm hungry and I only had a smoothie followed by some carrot-vegie juice a few hours ago. Now what?" I was in this little market to get something for Jonathan, and didn't readily see any fruit I could snack on. But suddenly I spotted a package of prepared sliced fresh pineapple. I didn't think it would sustain me, but when I got done wolfing it down on the subway on the way home, I was totally satisfied.

Today I found fresh persimmons CHEAP at this little Indian food market that I love. I bought three of them. I had 2 of them for dinner, with a navel orange and a slice of pineapple. The persimmons were so delicious! I have only had a persimmon once before, and don't remember it being anything spectacular. Perhaps it wasn't ripe. These were like some kind of citrus-y gelato.

I think a large part of my food 'malaise' has just been due to BOREDOM-- boring food choices-- 'same old, same old' menus and combinations. I need to branch out much broader and try some innovative combinations and new raw foods from time to time. But the most important thing I can do is make sure I have food with me when I am out and about in the afternoon, so I'm eating every 3-4 hours and not waiting too long to eat.

Oh one more thing--
Soraya--
Don't worry about the book illustration thing. I'm just sure there will be lots more opportunities to come.

Sharrhan:


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Wow, I got all the way through yesterday eating only fruit, and I didn't get hungry at all! I think I've entered a paralell dimension.

!!! :-O !!!

Sharrhan:


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kwan, thank-you for shareing your emotional feelings here. Life is so difficult at times. You take care now.
Pam

Thank you, pampam! You're so sweeet. :-) The people on this little 'raw diary' forum are such a blessing. I have to tell you, I really feel like my issues are getting resolved quickly-- it's kind of shocking, considering I've been feeling this way quite awhile-- and I think it's from having all of you lovelies to share my feelings with; your support is wonderful. Today and yesterday I've felt absolutely heavenely; it's like an immediate almost 100% turnaround. I think there are angels on this board. You know who you are. ;-)

Today I wasn't hungry again! It's been so long since I haven't been hungry and tempted to overeat. Today I noticed over and over again when eating that I just was quickly satisfied and not overly interested in food. I ate fruit again during the day, had a salad for dinner with my 'fake pasta' zucchini in it, and just now had a couple bananas. I feel now like I just want to eat fruit for awhile and only juice my vegetables. Hmmm, this is just really interesting and fantastic, and I'm extremely grateful.

Sharrhan:


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*adjusts her dented halo a bit ... reaches up to shine it*

kwan ,,. yer own wings are showin....

Yeah, Kwan; it takes one to know one! ;}

Soraya--

>Oh, I know that "doing something else first" trap rather TOO well!<

I seem to have hypnotized myself into 'doing something else first' for many years. For me, it feels like self-sabotage. Lately I'm suddenly feeling different, like a contented cat that's just going with the flow, stretching and feeling calm (and perhaps ready to 'pounce' on a new opportunity!). Weird!! I really believe now that sometimes all we need is friends, not therapy, and a lot of things get worked out just by sharing.

Sundancer--

>can't bring myself to make myself totally happy;<

I've been realizing lately how even though I have so much in my life that I'm very grateful for, and in many ways things are pretty easy for me (cheap rent, wonderful husband, etc.), I still have felt this inner dissastisfaction with myself a lot of the time. And sometimes-- and this is different from your not being able to make yourself totally happy-- what I do is focus in on the one or two things that are 'not quite right' in my life at the time, magnify them, and decide that 'Well there, see?, I can't be happy then, because look at THIS bad thing: my widget is broken, or I can't afford to repair my alto flute right now, or I'm bloated this week'--- or whatever, lol! When there are things going on at the same time that are genuinely stressful, I tend to get into this dynamic a lot. What's happened for me this week is that my stress levels have dropped dramatically (how & why?, I'm still wondering!!!) and so I'm not catastrophizing or feeling frenzied, and I actually am wanting to meditate and enjoying breathing slow and easy. It feels like the mists of stress and unhappiness have just magically cleared. Makes me think there are some powerful spiritual forces at play on this little 'diary' board of ours; either that or some of you are secretly angels. :-p

Sharrhan:


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I am thinking there are some spiritual forces on here as well.

Its good to find you are on the upward mmovement. There is a power in positive thinking but sometimes it is a struggle to get the mind focused on the positive when so many negative forces come our way. Be grateful for all.

Love pam

Thanks Pam! I'm extremely grateful---- THANK YOU UNIVERSE! I'm still reveling in the fact that my stress levels have dropped to almost zero and I'm just zipping around getting things done, enjoying myself and being creative again. I'm not bragging, because I don't feel like I personally 'did' any of this or made it happen at all; it just fell in my lap as a gift somehow. I'm suddenly in possession of the motivation for turning my house upside-down, cleaning, reorganizing, de-cluttering, and clearing inner and outer space for creativity and calm, and now I'm painting again-- haven't done that in at least a couple years, except once when a friend commissioned me to do art for a book cover last year.

I have a gig tomorrow night at... the Elks Club, lol! (should be easy), and I came up with a new way to add a little interest and pizzazz to my street music set-up: I'm going to sell prints of my artwork when I go out and play music and sell CDs. I haven't done that yet, because it's been quite cold, but it'll happen soon. My goal is to play 2-3 times a week in some of the warmer subway stations.

I've started being able to really relax and meditate a couple times a day again and feel connected to my Inner Being; that puts a big glow around everything.

My eating habits are on the up-and-up. I haven't really been experiencing hunger lately (gasp!) and it's been so much easier to stay raw. This week I will set my sights on not eating after 5pm, but I'm not in a hurry or pressuring myself.

Happy Vets' Day, everybody!

Sharrhan:


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What an upswing---wonderful!!! You deserve it, ENJOY!!

Sorry to put somewhat of a damper on things, folks...but I'm really struggling at nights, folks...having a REALLY hard time, here... Just send some really good vibes my way, okay?

Thanks...

hey Soraya sorry to hear it .. why dont you start a diary thread too .. spill yer guts ...were all here for you and it really helps sometimes it really does lol

dont be shy this place is here for you .. no finger pointing no hostility just support ideas suggestions and many hugs

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

SORAYA!

Hey, sweet girl... sending you a HUGE bolt of LOVE, JOY and PEACE energy (purple, of course!) right now. Will certainly keep you in my thoughts and meditations. Take care now, and do something really, really special and loving for yourself, okay?

Love,
Sharrhan

Sharrhan:


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A simple little victory, of late, that really makes me ecstatic: I now find that I can eat 'imperfectly' without experiencing the visceral 'BAD' feeling that used to accompany it (which was probably worse for me than the real or imagined infraction of dietary protocol!). Do you know what I mean? I would eat something not raw or not so healthy, and I'd feel that I'd let myself down, which would manifest as an uncomfortable nervous feeling somewhere in the region behind my sternum or thymus.

I'm eating better lately, but also cutting myself some slack. And by being able to relax and go easy on myself, my eating habits seem to be improving in a natural, rather than an artificial -- rigid, gestapo-enforced-- way.

Sharrhan:


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Hey, Jgunn...was writing in a separate blog up until a few weeks ago (Committed to Raw) and took a break from all online stuff save my e-mail as I had to tighten up on my wayward time management. Lately I began popping in occasionally just to check in on Sundancer, Elakti and now, Kwan ;}...thank you for those purple energies; would it freak you out if I told you that I honestly did feel them? ;D

I'd been getting overwhelmed with swell of emotions every evening for the past couple of weeks and I thought I was being swallowed whole for the last few nights of this. I kept running form facing them, and binging like crazy. But, MAN did last night hurt! By the time I made my last post I was struggling to hold back the tears...didn't succeed! But I am glad for the experience because at some point late into the night I grabbed a moment of clarity from somewhere, breathed, sat down and meditated & chanted for a while, then grabbed a journal (new, for this season), and these are the answers I received - abridged version:

1. I don't know who I am anymore, and that was freaking me out, I realised. I'm seeing this WOMAN (I can truly say this for the first time!) looking back at me, and I have no clue who she is. I'm seeing and feeling this new body, new frame of mind, everything seems to be transforming at warp speed and I'm feeling more ungrounded and insecure than ever. Ah-hah! That makes sense! Got to get my footing in this new land...and I'm seeing now that why I stopped with my exercise was that I was subconciously knowing that if I continued, my body would be so much different than it is even know that for me to really be able to handle it properly, I had to give my emotional body time to catch up...makes sense???

2. < I'm eating better lately, but also cutting myself some slack. And by being able to relax and go easy on myself, my eating habits seem to be improving in a natural, rather than an artificial -- rigid, gestapo-enforced-- way.>

This is absolutely necessary for me as well, and what I've been doing. But I've also been so uptight about how the others here see me eating / doing because I have been so on edge / sick of being criticised and have been on permanent defensive mode..which ties into..

3. Need to loosen up and learn to not give a ______ about what others think, do or say, and not just in this instance, either!

$. I'm facing so much fear and unbalance because I am not trusting myself (to know that I know what is best for me - which I realise that I absolutely DO!), trusting the process to work for me, trusting the Universe to support me... what a bane existance! No wonder I've been absolutely miserable!


Well, that's the basic stuff! Am feeling TONS better,now, and was even able to sllep last night...thanks for the good vibes, guys, I received them with much gratitude! Gratitude - that's my new address from now on. Plus I have to manage my time and affairs much more effectively from now on, too...

Speaking of that - time to get back to work! I just wanted to check in with you!

Blessings!

Yeah, Soraya, I'm in a huge funk right now for many reasons too. My granddaughter probably has a little cerebral palsy and my older daughter may have cancer in several places, so I am worried. Plus my job has gone from stressful but pretty good to stressful and no morale and very depressing. I feel like most aspects of my life right now are about as bad as they can be, and I am trying not to take it all out on my body.

wow, soraya, that was so beautifully written. It really brought tears to my eyes. I hhope you the best of nights.

Sundancer, it sounds like some real bad things going on in your world I hope things work out for the best.

Kwan, I hope to get to the place where I can be less gestapo like in my eating.
There is some power in this group. I send my love to you all.

Jody, How is you eyes? You have been on my mind lately.
Love Pam

Dear group,
Wow, remember that 'gig at the Elks club' I mentioned the other day? Well, I just got back from doing it, and it was not what I'd expected at all.

IT WAS FABULOUS!!!

The music group was one of the best I've ever had the pleasure of playing with-- several of the guys were Berklee School of Music (jazz) students, very talented-- and the audience was incredible. I played from 8:30 when I arrived till 1:30 in the morning (with a few breaks, of course), and I couldn't believe the music this band was playing: it's exactly MY type of jazz, Latin and blues, played very Miles Davis-y and almost taking me back in my memory to those wonderful spacey sessions in the '70s that I used to do with a lot of my musician friends. I was in heaven, and made a lot of great connections. AND... it was all put on DVD by a guy from the local CC TV station! So now I'll have a quality DVD and maybe I can finaally put a video of me playing music online. (I'm glad I dressed nice tonight; I didn't know we were going to be filmed.) One of the organizers wants to arrange an even more elaborate event in the near future, and he invited me to be part of it, and his nephew is getting married in a couple months and told me he's going to request my flute playing for his wedding reception. (All right!)

I needed this so much! I've been in such a funk about my music career for WAY too long, and tonight I just soared-- I had a blast and felt totally in my element and I knew that I was playing in top form. The audience went crazy-- they loved it. Several people begged me to come back every Thursday and keep performing there with the group. Before the evening was over I think I got hugged by at least 15 people-- many of them are my neighbors who they didn't even know till tonight I was an jazz improvizationist.

Tonight I realized I'm ready for a big, big CHANGE. I've been so focused on my meditation music (but going nowhere with it), almost completely ignoring my improvisational skills in other genres of music-- blues, jazz, electronica, and rock. I'm not going to ignore it any more! I'm going to either start my own band or work with other bands, and it's going to be incredibly fun and rewarding!

Okay, I'm off to bed... with sweet dreams of music in my head.

Now this is just about as far from being a 'raw diary' entry as I can imagine, but since I've been complaining lately here about the dearth of creativity in my life, I just had to share.

Love,

Sharrhan:


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Wow, Kwan; that's AWESOME!!! I'm really glad for you!!

Sundancer, I'm sending you as much love and support as humanly possible right now along with some {{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}...these would be much better if given in person ;} but its the thought that counts. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Stay strong and keep us updated on how you and your loved ones are doing, okay?

Pampam, thank you for your kind, beautiful words and well wishes!

Kwan, how fantastic for you - CONGRATULATIONS! I'd love to see some of that footage, and I love jazz improv myself...you are so immensely talented, woman! A great raw diary entry...this is an important part of your raw lifestyle and journey, so write away!

Soraya & Sundancer,
Thanks for the kind words! And I'm sending you both lots of loving energy and invisible hugs. :-)

Sharrhan:


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Beautiful ladies of the Rawfood Diary and Angelic Rescue Club... ;-)

Tonight I put the finishing touches on a new painting I started a few days ago. It's really great to be painting again and enjoying it.

sharrhan thats awesome you were like the butterfly bursting from the cocoon last night !

cant wait to see the pics hint hint


love the painting !! =)

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Thanks, guys.

Beautiful work, Kwan!

Quick hugs and smooches to everyone...

I'd typed up a dissertation length ;D entry in my 'old' blog yesterday, then because of the horrid weather here yesterday I lost everything because the modem lost power - for hours! If I get the chance to I'll put it up again - if I'm also in the mood to, that is!

Soraya,
Thanks for the kind words! Sorry about your computer losing power; that's no fun.

Friends,
It's been an interesting weekened. I had a couple stressful things (nothing awful, just irritating) happen on Saturday, with some related fallout Sunday, but I rode it out and didn't let myself get sucked in by overeating or eating for comfort, and the situation resolved pretty quickly. The wheel of the Tao just keeps turning and cycling, doesn't it! I've been putting more of my energy into painting over the last week or so, and it seems to really help me in my quest to become more moderate in my eating habits. Now instead of heading to the refrigerator to 'see what's in there,' I seem to be gravitating toward the art table and adding a few lines or a swath of color to my latest painting. It's much more fun.

I still haven't gotten back into the consistent habit of making sure I keep myself supplied with raw meals or snacks every 2-4 hours, and take something with me on my afternoon outings to keep me satisfied; that's one of my next goals, because it really makes all the difference3 in terms of not suddenly feeling famished and going for raw junk food or worse.

As Jodi often says, "Onward and Upward!!"

On a pretty much totally unrelated note-- but who cares, right?!-- my husband (who is 65, and eats healthily for a non raw foodie, and in fact eats as carefully and thoughtfully as a scientist, but is not vegetarian) had a check-up last week, and the doctor called him a couple days later to tell him, "Jonathan, Dr. Pels here. Just wanted to tell you, your blood protein test (for heart inflammation-- the new 'gold standard' test for heart disease) astounded me: it came back ZERO!" I was pretty happy about that, as was Jonathan. He's a VERY healthy guy who just happens to have a congenital defect that affects his eyes and ears.

Sharrhan:


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