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Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: October 28, 2008 04:23AM

Folks,
Just to give you a refreshing assurance, if you think YOU'RE the only one who's gotten off track: I'm WAY the heck off track this fall. I had a wonderful summer, and early fall was great, and then... WHAM! Seasonal Affective Disorder (so-called) seeemd to hit me like a bullet. Living in New England, I decided to start taking vitamins D and B12 about 3 weeks ago, just to be sure I wasn't experiencing a deficiency. Not much help yet: I'm feeling foggy, I'm very out of control with my eating, and terribly indecisive and out of whack, so that getting back on track is very difficult right now. Each day I wake up determined to do what it takes, but as the day wears on, my resolve to steer myself along a certain path of return dissipates into confusion and disorder, and by the end of the day I've lost my way and feeling defeeated.

Alas, tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that one, I'm sure I'll get myself on track, but right now I'm feeling pretty low (and bloated, disgusting, and a little panicked, as well!).

When I have a PLAN, I am fantastic. My intuition usually guides me pretty well, but when I most need it-- times like this when I feel all out of sorts-- it's of little use to me. I think what I have to do is wait for a 'window of opportunity' in the form of a day when I'm feeling better, and then seize that opportunity for all it's worth and intend strongly to heal these emotional eating issues I'm having. Hopefully that day will be tomorrow! :-)

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: pampam ()
Date: October 28, 2008 06:43AM

This time will pass for you. I have been in the same boat, kwan, Right now I am on an upward swing and eating raw foods. That has been for the last three days. Have you ever read about the master cleanse? I made a batch of fresh squeezed lemon juice mixed with grade b maple syrup and a dash of cayane pepper. It is an injoyable drink. The lemon is alcolizing for the body. I was so spoiled with watermellon and very lost when they went away. Watermellon is alcolizing as well and I practially lived on them during the summer. I missed the way it filled all my needs.

The Idea that you have blown it and have to start it the next day does not work very well. The next moment you have you pick yourself up and make a fresh vegi juice or green smoothie. When you fill yourself with green you will tend to eat less of the other stuff.

I am feeling the fog lifting and I am in day three and have been making smoothies and carrot juice and drinking the lemon juice concoction. When I think of eating something cooked I try to fill the thought with reasons why I want to eat raw foods. One of the reasons is the foggy headed feeling but most of all I have some drastic mood swings and real negative thoughts. I don't feel that way if I have been eating raw foods.

It seems the more I push to make a change the more I resist the change. Move forward and upward. Smile at your adversity and find a grateful, positive thought. Find that firm footing that will help you get up and stand on your own strength. Fill your thoughts with the positive things you have done and relax.

I know you can get through this.

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Sundancer ()
Date: October 28, 2008 12:12PM

Me too Kwan! Must be something in the Massachusetts air! Seriously, my eating has been swinging wildly from 90-100% raw to vegetarian junk food (more the latter lately). My intestines absolutely ache from the abuse. I'm at a point where I really feel I need to get a handle on it or I'm going to do some real damage to myself and all the work I have done to improve my health this year (which was a lot!). I type this as I drink my coffee (I had weaned myself off of it completely). I spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday binging -- absolutely BINGING on crap! Sunday night was a little better -- at least the cooked food was organic veggies from the garden. Yesterday I finished the Chinese takeout that "haaaad" to be eaten, so that's out of the way. I had gotten rid of a lot of little symptoms that I had attributed to getting older -- achy hands and back, a little twinge in my left shoulder, general lack of energy, and lost twenty pounds. My ADD has been driving me crazy lately too. I never connected it until this second, but maybe diet (or LIVEit) has something to do with those symptoms too. At any rate, I can't organize myself these days to save my soul, and it's really frustrating because I have a lot of things to do.
Thanks for admitting that you struggle too. I haven't been looking at mine (because fries sure are yummy!), but reading about yours makes me feel a little less hopeless. I love your posts in general and have a lot of admiration for you, and I know you'll get back on track, as I will.

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Elakti ()
Date: October 28, 2008 02:45PM

If it is in the air, San Diego also is contaminated!

Hello there, Kwan! I am surprised to see you over here and to hear that you too are struggling----how I can empathize. It is a see-saw battle with me and at this time am also on the Down seat looking up and wondering how I am ever going to balance out again. I mean, I have completely thumped down on the see saw with a big thunk. I only feel well when on raw foods, but once I fall it is so difficult to get back to it. I MUST do it NOW though.

This so far has not been very positive help from me, but I wanted to say hi and say that I AM surprised to hear of your difficulty with the same thing that is plaguing me. I've always read all your posts with such interest and sometimes envy as you seem so settled in to the raw lifestyle. I'm sure you will overcome this set back.

I am trying to maintain green smoothies and some fruit meals and try to eat some salad and resolve to do such and such, but as evening nears I fall apart. I am in flux, my living situation is in flux, no job...so this is all playing its part.

Whenever I get to this point I can sometimes save myself by re-reading my favorite books...I always go back to Ehret. Sometimes Walker, Shelton. Sometimes rereading Art Baker's book Awakening Your Self-Healing Body shakes me up and gets the fire burning again....or I should say, gets the fruit and vegetable juices flowing again! And, if I can get support from this board, that helps me too.

Persevere! Best wishes for a healthy about face! smiling smiley

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Elakti ()
Date: October 28, 2008 03:07PM

P.S. Another thing I do which almost always gets me back on track is a 3 day fast. During this time I reread Ehret and whatever else. The first day or two I am craving my problem foods and by day 3 I am craving lettuce and oranges or something equally real. Pam Pam's post reminded me of that and I forgot to mention. This is what I need, too, but cannot do at this time, busy with moving. It helps clean the palate, clear the brain, re-connect.

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: October 28, 2008 09:35PM

Hi everybody,
Thanks so much for the good vibes and support! I do feel SO MUCH BETTER today! I woke up feeling like I'd finally slept really, really well, and I started the day with carrot/ginger juice. Had some more carrot juice later and went out to walk for an hour-and-a-quarter while my husband was at the gym. I'm home now, and had my one last mango/banana smoothie because I discovered an unopened bag of frozen organic mango chunks in the freezer, and now it's back to carrot juice, carrot/apple juice and cantalaupe juice.

Isn't it weird how energy can shift so quickly and things can suddenly look very, very different?

elakti--
:-) Yeah, I kind of stuck my neck out there to get chopped off, lol! I've been raw FOREVER, but do have occasional short periods where I screw up. I figured a little radical honesty was in order and would do no harm. Somehow sharing my frustration and humanness freed me up and created the space inside of me for refreshment and rejuvenation.

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Elakti ()
Date: October 28, 2008 10:50PM

Looks like you're out of the woods! Yes, things sometimes shift suddenly--glad you're feeling so much better. I hope my mind shifts. You are always an inspiration to me.

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: October 29, 2008 12:52AM

Thank you, Elakti! You and so many others inspire me so much, too. I don't think I'd have lasted this long on a raw food diet had I not discovered the rawfoods.com forum in the 1990s.

BIG HUGS TO EVERYBODY!--- hope we're all feeling fantastic and each finding our optimal, uniquely individual way to approach raw diet and lifestyle.

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: October 29, 2008 02:14PM

Now that I've started this thing I feel impelled to keep updating it every now and then. Today I woke up remembering a dream I had last night-- that's a really positive thing for me, because I don't usually remember dreams easily. Juice fasting seems to allow me to sleep and remember dreams more normally. (I dreamed we were in the middle of an earthquake and shelves were rattling ominously! When I was telling my husband about the dream this morning, he turned on the radio, and we discovered there had been an earthquake in Pakistan last night. Hmmm...)

Anyway, I feel like I'm on a completely different track now-- yay!, and I will probably juice fast for quite awhile. I love how I feel on juices, especially vegetable juices. Last night I had to get up in the middle of the night to pee what seemed like a gallon; same thing again in the morning. I love the way juice fasting releases water weight right from the start. For some reason I am one of those people who retains water weight really easily, even after years of being raw. Maybe it has something to do with having my appendix and tonsils out when I was a child? Not sure. No big deal, just something I notice about me.

This morning I'm looking forward to juicing a cantalaupe for breakfast; the rest of the day will be mostly carrot combinations. I have a bag of tangerines that are begging to be juiced, too, for a mid-afternoon treat.

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Jgunn ()
Date: October 30, 2008 07:51AM

*Hugs Sharrhan till she makes a squeeky toy noise* =D

welcome to the woods tongue sticking out smiley

theres some realy great shrooms in here winking smiley

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Sundancer ()
Date: October 30, 2008 12:09PM

Mmmm -- shrooms!! D'oh -- I just had a delicious raw breakfast soup and forgot the mushrooms!!! I was wondering what was missing!

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: October 30, 2008 02:33PM

<<<HUGS>>> to both of you! :-) --- my fellow intrepid comrades in dialogue over at the infamous 'off-topic' forum

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: October 30, 2008 11:36PM

Day 3 --

I discovered papaya juice yesterday, so today I just had to go buy another papaya (rather expensive, but worth it) and make a papaya/apple/tangerine/lime juice concoction. It was scrumptious.

I think I'm getting into this whole juice fast thing once again: I can tell I've 'arrived' at the point of no turning back when carrot juice starts to taste really, really good to me, lol! (Of course, I have to add some ginger and lime to it to get that kick from it, but still...)

Do you guys do anything on your juice fats to help the cleanse along (enemas, herbs, salt flushes, whatever?). For the past several years, whenever I do any kind of fast, I haven't even thought of doing the e-word. Used to when I was younger. I seem to eliminate lots and lots of toxins on my juice fasts without any 'help.'

It's been cold here, but I haven't noticed it these last 3 days very much. I seem not to be losing energy, thankfully, and I'm not craving warm teas or anything out of the ordinary. This morning I had cantalaupe juice again, followed by the carrot/ginger/lime thing. I have to say, the carrot juice combination seems to be the BEST! I feel a noticeable energy lift after I drink it. A little while ago, I had the papaya conconction. I think later tonight I might have some herb tea; don't seem to be hungry. (Yay!)

I noticed yesterday that I'm getting more done-- feeling more focused and motivated to do things that I've been putting off. I think I was just kind of toxic before.

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Jgunn ()
Date: October 31, 2008 12:50AM

hey hey smiling smiley (Kwan btw yer box is full tongue sticking out smiley)

i dont do anything anymore with my fasting .. juice or water ... i used to do enemes but i think i kinda abused them i was doing them too much for all the wrong reasons ..

i dont agree with the saltwater flushes (if anyone rememembers my ranting about the lemonade thing last year LOL) as i dont see salt as a really good thing ..

i do however twice a year do a commercial cleanse .. wildrose one from alberta .. ive been doign this one for close to 15 years and honestly im not so sure its really neccessary anymore but for some reason i keep doing it .. habit? i guess tongue sticking out smiley but the things it used to purge just arent there anymore so maybe i should spend my 40$ twice a year on some fancy fruit grinning smiley

i agree you were probably just building up some toxins you needed to purge .. it doesnt help with all this election hooplah and what not bickering sniping . the mental emotional toxins can be a real drain too smiling smiley

onwards an upwards Sharrhan .. onwards an upwards !! =D

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Sundancer ()
Date: October 31, 2008 01:45AM

I do detox tea and if I'm really clogged up some senna tea -- that's about it at this point. Or just a short fast. I've thought about the whole colon cleansing thing, but money and my inhibitions get in the way there. BTW, I am doing better too -- more raw, no junk today!!

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: October 31, 2008 03:17AM

Jodi, Sundancer--

Hey, this 'diary' board is an oasis of calm, and my buddies are here, too! ;-p Jodi, I emptied my inbox. And I agree with you about the salt flush. I only tried one once, about 20 years ago, and it was awful. I just got bloated and nothing happened, plus I felt kind of weird. If it doesn't work, I'm sure it must raise your blood pressure.

I haven't done anything along with my fasts in about 20 years, and I think I'm better off for it. Enemas = enemies.

The lemonade diet-- hmmm, not really a very good way to fast, is it. I occasionally will make lemonade with agave syrup, but I've learned never to drink the stuff exclusively. It doesn't feel the same as fasting. Also with the cayenne it irritates my bladder, so I leave that out.

The detox teas can be kind of helpful from time to time. Sometimes if I feel bloated but not ready to fast I'll just get a box of 'Smooth Move' and have that at night for a spell (2-3 nights), and then I forget about it again till 6 months later.

Have a great night, all!

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Jgunn ()
Date: October 31, 2008 04:44AM

kwan Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Jodi, Sundancer--
>
> Hey, this 'diary' board is an oasis of calm, and
> my buddies are here, too! ;-p


yea itss like a complete polar shift over here LOL

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Sundancer ()
Date: October 31, 2008 11:28AM

Yeah (sigh of relief).

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: October 31, 2008 06:53PM

Onward and upward, away from the doom and gloom into the zoom and boom! ;-p

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Elakti ()
Date: November 01, 2008 02:25AM

I have an old box of Smooth Move too. Maybe I should make a cup.

Am glad to see you lingering here! I hope you settle in for awhile!

Am so weary from moving, but tomorrow I wake up in one place only and it is well stocked with real food and I plan on not doing much but read, relax, make juice, make smoothies. Maybe take a nap. smiling smiley Really: rest, sleep, let my body drink minerals and such. It would be super if I could do juices for a couple days also...we'll see. I need that. Today I did make juice (carrot, celery, cucumber, 1/2 apple) and it was so good and very energy refreshing. In fact, was feeling low-ish and blaaah-ish and the juice re-vived me impressively. It did seem to be readily bio-available.

Enjoy. smiling smiley

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: November 01, 2008 05:03AM

Hi Elakti,
Yep, I think I'll stay here for awhile-- I like it! So many nice conversations going on.

Tonight I had to work for 7 hours in Harvard Square (that's in Cambridge, MA, where I live)-- I walk around monitoring the sound levels, etc., of street performers. Well, as you can imagine, it was pretty cold, so I cheated in a small way on my juice fast in order to stick with it: I bought a bottle of pineapple-coconut juice at the local co-op expressly for drinking tonight to keep me from getting too hungry. Sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Of course I could have prepared a large bottle of my own (much healthier) juice, but I didn't feel like doing it.

I feel great, and it's so nice to come home to our warm apartment after freezing outside today.

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: November 02, 2008 10:42PM

Tonight I did my last shift of monitoring the local street performers for the season-- it was really cold and there were only 4 performers outside this afternoon. I love the street performers so much; feeling a little sad about the season ending, because I will miss their company this winter. Oh well... I know I'll be back next May to start it all over again. Looks like I may be working p/t in the local arts and crafts store this winter-- I don't know yet if I got the job. And I'll play my flute in the subway from time to time, and I'll see some of my musician friends there.

Anyway, to return to the subject at hand-- I juice fasted 5 days and then, wham!, out of nowhere I got blindsided by some kind of minor emotional trigger yesterday and suddenly felt REALLY HUNGRY and ate a meal. Decided not to return to juice fasting till after I finished my monitor shift today (because of the cold weather and working outdoors) so I will resume it tonight.

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Elakti ()
Date: November 03, 2008 01:10AM

I just could find one thing (the yoga triangle pose) of your music....how do you get to the place where you click on music?

What beautiful flute playing! How wonderful to be able to do that! What a friend your flute must be. Ah, to be able to play music...

I've always said that if I got 3 wishes I would use one of them to sit at a piano with an orchestra and play Brahm's Piano Concerto #2 ... and Chopin Etude 104 (I think it's called) if I could include that in the wish. (For me, that piano concerto is perfect)

I ate better today. smiling smiley but, am kind of grieving butter, darn!

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: November 03, 2008 02:20AM

Hey, thanks Elakti! I've been going through this 'thing' that drives me a little nuts: I don't play much at all, and I don't know why. I haven't gone out and played my flute since July, and it's crazy. I love playing, don't have any self-esteem issues, love playing in front of people (no stage fright), etc., etc... but I just haven't been DOING IT!!!!! Makes me so upset with myself... actually bummed out. So I always REALLY appreciate it when anyone reminds me that they like my music.

So anyway... here's how to access the MP3s:

go to:

www.soundclick.com/sharrhan

On the righthand side of the page is a list of categories. Click on 'music.' When you do you'll be taken to a page with the MP3s. Just click and play-- voila! Let me know if there's some problem and I'll check it out.

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Sundancer ()
Date: November 03, 2008 02:22PM

Kwan --
It sounds like you have the same problem with your flute that I have with my pastels! It is very frustrating. I HAVE been doing art the past few days though (finally!!!).

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: November 04, 2008 02:06PM

Today I'm in touch with what's really going on in my life and with my raw food practice, and it's not pretty! I haven't really been anywhere near successful (at least in my own terms) with eating a raw food diet for quite awhile now, and I realize that it's directly tied into my deep dissatisfaction with my life. Try as I may, I can't seem to generate any motivation or desire to achieve even the smallest creative goal. I have felt stuck in this way all of my life: extremely low 'affect,' I think it's sometimes called. I am emotional, open-hearted, and passionate, but only about things that are impersonal, global, or other-centered. As soon as it's something that could bring ME personal satisfaction, self-esteem, or even the smallest bit of acclaim, I'm just not capable of dredging up whatever it is that most people have that propells them forward. I have always felt almost totally blocked and walled off in this area. I think it's related to being massively criticized and put down by my parents when I was growing up, but I don't know. And it makes me want to eat at night, because at night I become aware "Oh my god, another day has gone by and I've really done absolutely nothing again with my talents." A couple of people have stopped me on the street in the past month to tell me I'm one of the most talented flute players they've ever met. It should make me happy, but on some level it breaks my heart, because I just can't seem to unlock the desire to play my music anymore.
Sorry-- just had to vent.

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: November 04, 2008 02:32PM

The feeling I get in the evenings that often drives me to eat too much or badly is usually something bordering on low-level panic, rather than depression. I know it's directly tied to the fact that I'm not fulfilling what most people would think of as goals or the drive to succeed in life. I think I've channeled a lot of that energy, since meeting my mate, who's blind and hearing impaired, into being a caregiver, but that's only a small part of it. It's certainly not his fault-- he does try to be supportive of me as a musician, although in truth he's a lot more comfortable when I stay at home with him, especially in the evenings.

Don't know why this is hitting me so hard today-- maybe it's just the extra nervous energy related to the election. Anyway, it's time for me to get out and vote.

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Soraya ()
Date: November 04, 2008 08:08PM

<<...I realize that it's directly tied into my deep dissatisfaction with my life. Try as I may, I can't seem to generate any motivation or desire to achieve even the smallest creative goal. I have felt stuck in this way all of my life: extremely low 'affect,' I think it's sometimes called.

...As soon as it's something that could bring ME personal satisfaction, self-esteem, or even the smallest bit of acclaim, I'm just not capable of dredging up whatever it is that most people have that propells them forward.... And it makes me want to eat at night, because at night I become aware "Oh my god, another day has gone by and I've really done absolutely nothing again with my talents." A couple of people have stopped me on the street in the past month to tell me I'm one of the most talented flute players they've ever met. It should make me happy, but on some level it breaks my heart, because I just can't seem to unlock the desire to play my music anymore.>>

***Accented female voice***

Kwan...

***deep heavy breathing***

You are my sister...

(My sad attempt at a Darth Vader impersonation) ;};};}

Been reading your blog recently but just HAD to jump in after reading this particular post; I've been battling with the very.same.thing and it's been kickin' my a$$ in the past couple of weeks especially. Can't seem to get my writing and art back in gear and I'm growing more and more frustrated and angry at myself. The night eating thing is ridiculous at this point, and it's only this morning - and after just having read your post(s) - that I realised exactly what was mostly behind this groundswell of emotion that I've been (trying to avoid) feeling lately.

There's this opportunity that's pratically landed at my feet, for instance...the yoga center I volunteer with has an upcoming book project for which they'll need illustrations of yogic and meditative poses. Seeing that my specialty is drawing / painting figures (heavily biased towards the female form), you'd think I'd jump into the fray - I could do this with my eyes shut and one arm tied behind my back. Do you think I've done so? A big, fat "Nope"! And I'm thinking, "WHAT is WRONG with you????"

A great deal of my problem too is not really sitting with and fully FEELING what I'm feeling; I'm trying to stuff it down and drown it out and it's only making things worse!


<<The feeling I get in the evenings that often drives me to eat too much or badly is usually something bordering on low-level panic, rather than depression. I know it's directly tied to the fact that I'm not fulfilling what most people would think of as goals or the drive to succeed in life.>>

Are you sure we're not twin souls, or something? ;} That's exactly the feeling I get, too, and your description hits it dead on...

I'm so glad you're sharing your experiences and insights...big{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}} to you! I always love reading your posts and was thrilled to see you blogging. I think you are wonderful and always wish you every good thing / blessing...this has been a great help to me!!! Thank you!

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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: kwan ()
Date: November 05, 2008 02:13PM

Soraya--

Hey, sister! I couldn't believe it when I read your response; wow, what a gift from the universe! I'm ecstatic, because I know that (for me at least) at least half of healing is often just having someone who really understands what I'm going through that I can talk to. What a blessing! I'm really comfortable with just about every other area of my life except this one, and I'm ready to change: I'm not going to hide my creative light under a bushel anymore!

Let's stay in touch-- I'll send you a PM shortly.

<<<<HUGS>>>>

Sharrhan:


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Re: Off the Raw Path and Lost Over in the Woods Somewhere
Posted by: Soraya ()
Date: November 06, 2008 12:15AM

Kwan, it DOES mean the world to have someone who understands what you are going through: that's why I prize the constant interaction I've been enjoying lately with fellow bloggers Elakti and Sundancer. It encourages, invigorates and strengthens you immensely. I must say that it is quite cathartic to actually say "out loud" what you are feeling and what you have become aware of...

I slept SO soundly last night that I slept right through my "wake-up to meditate (chant)" alarm - something that never happens!!! And I didn't have any of the outlandish nocturnal cravings that I've had the past week, either! I fasted for most of the day, then broke it late evening with the most delish black grapes I've had in ages...

Added to what I said previously, I am now acutely aware of what my most core struggle is; actually I've known for a while but was finally brutally honest about it with myself yesterday. Here it is in a nutshell: I don't feel worthy. I don't - and have NEVER done so in all my thirtysix years - felt worthy to exist, to "take up space". I have made some inroads into this belief that I intellectually know to be erroneous, but emotionally & mentally it still has it's knobly little claws dug deep into my psyche. I am definitely a work in progress...

After facing and admitting all this, I had some of the BEST sleep I've had in months last night...

Interesting, huh?

More {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to ya!

Oh...and that book illustration thing? Now I have someone actively elbowing me to submit some samples, as the respose to our online advertisements - placed by me! - has not been good at all ;} Breathe in... Damn it, why don't I just jump at the chance like any other normal sane person!?!

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