As the title says, I'm welcoming the change I want to see in myself and therefore the world. If you want world peace and love then you gotta be peace and love right? I love reading about all the experiences people share in this forum and thought I'd share too. I've struggled with my goal of being all raw for two years now and recognize that by bringing light into every area of my life that I can achieve anything, and being raw becomes easy as it should be. I've suffered with EDs for the past three years, and my sucessful recovery depends on how well I can be there for myself and embrace positive changes in myself. So, as I sit here sippin on some homemade kombucha, I say, whoo hoo and let's do this!

Well, I'm feeling the effects of eating way too much fat...ugg. No good. And yesterday I got my much anticipated dehydrator, and today my order of coconut flakes arrived. The timing of these deliveries made me chuckle since they're the opposite of what I want at the moment. Just means I'll be saving the flakes for a while, time enough to think of an awesome coconut ice cream or something. The dehydrator of course was plugged in almost immediately! hah, I've had plenty of time to think of a million things to make in it so that baby is chuggin away as I speak with spinach 'chips' and tomatoes and apples. I'll break out heavier recipies when fall comes like pumpkin bread oo la la, can't wait.

Ick Ick! I'm so frustrated with myself. I've been struggling with binge/emotional eating for years now and haven't been able to break the cycle for more than a few days now. In the past year I was able to go weeks before binging(of course on non raw stuff) but haven't been able to go longer than days lately...hense the ick ick feeling I have now from eating cooked food. I know that slowly upping how much raw I eating is much much better than doing what I'm doing but I don't know if I can do that with this eating disorder. I don't know if anyone reads this has experienced this but any advice would help me a lot. I'm trying to positively change all aspects of myself, ya know, I can't just focus on eating raw and get obsessed with that, I've seen that blow up in my face enough to know that's not an option. I don't know, maybe eating cooked veggies with rice or something basic like that would help me chill out and help me find a balance with food so that I can then transition to more raw. Ay, it's been about two years since I went raw and it feels like, omigosh! be raw already! heh, yup. Also, since I've caused so much stress to my body, I have horrible digestion. Spices and complex recipes don't go over well which is sad to me since they are delicious and are fun to make, also the raw restaurant near me basically only serves heavy, complex things. I think that green smoothies, soups, juices are all well recieved digetion wise but sticking to those really bore me while I'm stick addicted to cooked food. I know really upping my greens will do wonders for me, it's just been hard to get them in my body consistently. My will power is depleted. I think I used up the rest of it the first year I experienced an eating disorder and was really restricting what I ate, I had a ton of will power then to stand always being hungry. But now that that's led to binge eating, my will power seems to be awol. I live with my parents who know that I'm struggling with staying raw but they are hard to talk to about it and get support from since my mom's response every time is "get some will power. just do it. stop eating to much food." okay mom, thanks. Why didn't I just think of that before? heh,they are black and white minded people, and this is as life is, is a grey area. Hense now I'm online talkin about this,hoping to come across others who have turned their lives around and conquered EDs. Deep breath, one day at a time girl.

Hey Gogrow--
First of all, try not to beat yourself up about this whole thing. It is a process for all of us. Next, I say some rice and cooked veggies while you're transitioning is probably a good thing. Also, transitioning sometimes takes a long time (even years) and there are ups and downs for most of us. Just do your best, don't give up, look at what you really want for yourself and keep that in mind when you go to eat something that you don't think you should. And eat what feels right for you. Good luck!!

Thanks sundancer, kind words are much appreciated

For the first time in a while, I was really under the weather, sent home from work and stayed inside for a few days. It's a harsh wake up call that my body isn't in good shape and I've got to make permanent changes, not this yo yoing that I've been doin. My immune system isn't strong anymore and I feel very weighed down physically, mentally, and spiritually. It scares me to feel this way but not as much as it does to know that my disorder doesn't care for these consequences, it wants to stay addicted to cooked junk. Boo on that... I've made progress, yay for that, and so after I dust myself off I'll begin another day and see if I can make some more. Even if this transition takes a long time, it's so worth it. Even through all this frustration about not sticking to most changes I'm making in my life, I have an odd sense of calm in the back of my mind that knows that just because life seems hard right now, I am on a path and it will go to where I need to be. It's a strange knowing feeling, nice to have that when you're feeling like crap and everything dull and far away. I know that I can make things easier for and thereby reach my goals faster, I'm comfortable with doing that for some things, but with the whole raw thing I think it's more of a slow and steady wins the race. Sigh. Here's to healing, *clink clink*

*Clink clink*

So. Lifes been...I think the word I'm searching for is 'fine'. I'm in a rutt and feel pretty frustrated with everything and everyone. It seems like yoga time to me! hah, if only I could motivate myself past just thinking about it. The funny thing about it is I only really feel like doing yoga when I'm feelin real good and clear headed, so, for the time being I won't be breaking it out. I think some meditation would feel good though. Since I've been struggling with binge eating for some time now, my body is really in need of a good rest and clean out, so when I give my body a chance to do so after a few days of being high or all raw, my body charges forth into detox mode and whoosh, here come the headaches and completely fierce mood swings. My oh my...read someones post in another thread on this site talking about EDs and how fasting or raw can be like a bottle to an alcoholic. Also I remember watching a segment on tv a while back on a binge/purger who said that the purge was a high and that the disorder was not just all about the joy of eating like most people would think. I can really relate to both of those comments and it reminds me that perfecting my diet doesn't mean everything in my life will just come together as I want it. As I said in my first post, I know it's about whole person healing, not just focusing on one area to let the other parts continue in their decay. The past week has been a very lazy and negative one for me and it has only caused me to

hey there gogrow, I have struggled with eating raw. Just last week I ate some of my kids pizza and that just turned on the raw hungry thinking. Each morning I ate raw but when evening came around I ate cooked. I did this for three days and finally got a grip on things and put myself on a fast for two days. I don't know how people can just jump off and go raw overnight but I sure would like to, it would make things easier. I read somewhere that we learn from our hardships and I really hope I start learning. I feel like some positive things are happening and I am practicing my gratefulls. That might sound odd but I can be a very negative person. Just today I aquired some fresh farm grown kale. I felt so grateful and expressed it all day to myself. I am finding that practicing a positive attitude really helps in every area of life. I have also realized the more I push myself into something the more I resist. I struggled for over six monthes to get back on raw and the more I pushed the more I resisted. I fasted and then went back to eating cooked foods every morning I would say to myself I would go raw then I would eventually eat somthing cooked. It was like I had no will power but I know I have will power. I have not figured out the key yet but I do know how wonderful I feel when eating raw. I want that feeling and I want to have better health so that is my driveing force plus I want to be alive and healthy for my children. I try to keep this in my mind as my reasons for being raw.
I hope my rambeling is helpful for you and I hope you are doing well.

Another thing you might do is list your foods in this diary that way you can look back and see what kind of inprovments you need and we can give you advice.

best of luck
Pam

hi pampam
Yes your words are much appreciated and hearing of your experience is like a getting a hug. yay, hehe. I hear you on how hard it is to eat raw when you're pushing yourself to be 100%. Looking back, the times when staying raw for weeks or months was the easiest was I wasn't forcing myself. Best of luck to you, thanks for sharing that.

The last entry was cut off at the end and I don't remember how I ended it, but here comes a new one..
Okay. I've know that if I continue to force myself into eating this way, I'll continue to rebel agaisn't it...
So why fight it? How else do I work towards my goal of being healthy? I want to eat raw. I reeeeally really do. It's all those fungus fed cells in me that don't. I'm sure I have a candida issue to clean out but am not decided on how to handle it since I don't want to put myself in the situation on restricting myself only to binge again. But this has to be dealt with now. All the symptions are driving me crazy and it's so hard to want to eat raw foods when I'm so clearly addicted to cooked. I have gabriel cousens books on the matter and even before realizing I have candida, it really appealed to me but haven't followed his advice for cleansing it away. I'm very intrigued by herbalism and I think that would be a great thing for me to incorporate into my life. It would be a great way to calm me and support my body through all the abuse it's been through. It's a way to make me slow down while I brew up a tea or what have you thoughtfully and with positive intentions to heal. Healing in general has always made me happy and making a life of healing others seems only natural to me. Maybe going to school at last so I can practice and live from it instead of continuing to get customer service jobs that make me feel like crap and don't utilize my creative/healing passions.hm hm. A resounding 'duh' in in order here. In a few days I'll be reiki II certified but I don't see myself making a career out of it since it's more of something I've been wanting to learn for a while and it's a step in the direction of where I want to go. The reiki I class was amazing and got me out and talking to people who share a lot of my interests. Since getting interested in alternative topics like health, lifestyle etc, I've completely alienated myself from others. I haven't made new friends, other than people I work with, that I hang out with and my old good friends are distant and in different places in their lives so old friends are actually distant memories that get shined up a bit when we say hey on the phone every few months or more. I think I'm just stuck on how to move forward so I'm simply not at all. Not a positive, enjoyable place to be at.
Not being happy is making it really hard to want to try at anything since everything is such 'an effort'. Ug, there's the depression talking. I'll keep working at this though I'm not sure how long it'll take on my own, I could really use a support group or friend who understands and cares for me, someone is person who's a good bud to just be silly with and have fun. I think that that is the main thing that's driving this sad train I seem to insist upon staying on. Lonely + bored = not so good, not so good chap. Betta do something about it eh? okay.

I have a boat and an extra oar jump in and maybe we can paddle forward rather than around in an endless circle. You sound like how I feel but it sounds like you at least have taken some class to better yourself.