Well, here goes....

having fought recovery from bulimia for five years, I am now trying to learn to accept it and let it bring me back to the life I used to have before this nightmare. I found a cool online program (google NCFED! then go to "self help" to follow and I am going to make a much bigger effort with RAW!!!

I have been on a bit of a starch-fest the last few days....damn that pesky starch

so today I'm starting fresh....very high raw for now....

Good luck and welcome!!

good for you girl ! acceptance is half the battle

now you have a long an happy road ahead of you full of choices ups and downs .. keep posting were all rootin for ya

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

thanks......

Day 1 of my recovery

Had a good first day Pleased - it's often the hardest time, the day after a couple of days bingeing/purging. Went to the health food shop and stocked up on a few treats to keep me motivated in the beginning...few larabars, a bar of raw chocolate with goji berries, and a raw recipe book. More than I should have spent, really, but hey if I'm going to do this properly now I need a good kick-start

LOVE my recipe book -Raw Food Made Easy by Jennifer Cornbleet. Some of the recipes are a bit toooo basic like "Grapefruit juice"!!!!! Uhhh, I think everyone can manage that without a book LOL But I liked that none of the recipes use a dehydrator because I don't want to get one and most of the yummy things online need one. I've got Ani Phyo's book, too, that's cool as well but I find a lot of the recipes too fatty and also it's the same thing with the dehydrator issue.

So I'm set! Yippee!

No bingeing/purging yesterday BIG cravings mid-afternoon but managed to get through that. Trying to keep telling myself that every time I get through a craving to binge it's another step taken on the recovery path....

Oh, and I learned to take something out with me to put on my salad if I eat out at lunch because deli/cafe salads are PATHETIC LOL I wanted my sprouts!!!

HAd non-raw dinner - Indian. Restaurant meals are the reason I'm not going 100% at the moment . We always eat out once a week and I enjoy that. Realised though that I should have got a side salad instead of some of the cooked - the next morning it's still sitting here like a brick and I couldn't sleep properly even though I didn't actually eat that much

Roll on day 2...

Day 2 of RECOVERY Hooray

Today was quite easy - weekend is always easier for me because work stress is one of the main triggers to bingeing.

100% raw today woohoo )

Learnt from yesterday and took a container of sprouted buckwheat with sunflower seeds and a bag of sprouted chickpeas with me when we went out for the day so all I had to find to make a good lunch was a plain salad....you'd have thought that would have been easy?! Well, we ended up in a cafe where they had salad and sandwiches for my partner and I asked for a plate of plain salad, no cheese/ham etc, seemed fine with the waiter....then he handed us the receipt!!!!!! hmmm.....£3.50 for a plate of lettuce and cucumber etc????? I nearly fell off my chair but I thought "hey, at least it's going to be a huge, nice salad for that price"....WRONG. I got a side plate sized serving with about four slices of tomato, same of cucumber and a bit of wilted looking lettuce Should have asked for more given how much they charged for it, wasn't quite brave enough...next time I will though!

Had a pistachio larabar in the afternoon....hmmmmmmmm my new favourite ) think I'm going to try making my own larabars though cos they're EXPENSIVE

going to try making a raw zucchini lasagne for dinner tomorrow....

Day 3 of RECOVERY ))

100% raw today!!!!!

Made a gorgeous raw lasagne from my new recipe book for dinner - marinara sauce with lots of basil and oregano, layers of zucchini ribbons, spinach chopped very small in the food processor and couple of spoons of macadamia cream (said avocado in the book but mine weren't ripe so I experimented!) YUM

New recipe for today is going to be cabbage leaf wraps....

I'm not having any problems with cravings at the moment which is REALLY unlike me, but then again I've been off work for a whole week with a kidney infection that just won't heal up - I'm type 1 diabetic so it takes me forever to recover from things. The real test will be when I'm back at work full-time struggling to cope with people/situations that stress me out

Day 4 of RECOVERY....

boy, did I speak too soon about cravings!!! :{

It's about 3:30pm and I have had MAJOR cravings for starch/junk since about 10am. I think this must just be because I'm bored. Still off work with kidney infection, went to doctor again this morning who gave me another week of antibiotics (yuck I hate those things but I'm too scared of it getting worse and turning into septecaemia) and also signed me off work for the next week. Usually I would be partying LOL but I have already been off since Tuesday and I am BORED with being in the house and not being able to do anything because I end up in pain.

AAAAAGGGHHHHH

Oh well, my partner should be giving me the car back tomorrow which means I can at least take a trip out. Don't fancy having to walk/stand around getting buses because that just causes me pain.

There is my partner's BREAD in the freezer. AND pretzels. AND pizza GRRRRRRRRRR
I know I won't even enjoy them if I eat them, it's never as good as I think but that starch devil is evil.

I'm not going to cave. That's what usually happens each time I decide to kick the bulimia. "just one slice/one piece/one handful....that won't really hurt me and that's how normal people eat after all and they don't end up bingeing" and BANG I'm into a week of monster binges/purges.... I'm not falling for that this time. If I'm serious about getting better I have to ride it out. ESPECIALLY in this situation when I'm bored, by myself and will most certainly end up in a binge if I even start with that stuff.

I have done really well so far - big juice for breakfast and bowl of sprouted buckwheat with macadamia cream, melon and romanine salad for lunch - I'm going to fix myself a bowl of pomegranate and cucumber (yeah, FREAKY combination but somehow that's what I want) and then ride it out til dinner when I'm going to have a go at cabbage wraps.

It WILL be worth it. I WANT to recover. It will be GOOD waking up fresh tomorrow not exhausted and bloated and unable to get in my clothes. It will be GOOD to not be moody and irritable when my partner gets home. It will be GOOD not to have problems with my blood sugar all night and wake up high tomorrow morning. I hate that the most about bingeing, that I end up fighting the blood sugar battle for hours and losing....with raw it is soooo much more predictable.

I am going to do it. I can do it.

Sorry everyone....just needed to sort those voices in my head out. Right....off to my pomegranates for a healthy snack. My partner will be home in about an hour, then things will be easier.....



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/17/2008 03:47PM by curly girly.

i found slices of zuchini dusted with a bit of olive oil and powdered garlic powder to help me with my starch cravings

anyhoo whatever you do ...lots of thoughts and healing hugs going out to you right now !

im gonna try your cuke / pom combo .. actually sounds delish !!

Thanks JG.... All hugs gratefully accepted *LOL*

Day 4 successful and 100% raw ))))))

sigh of relief.....

bring on day 5

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Days without bingeing: 4
Days without purging: 4



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/17/2008 07:39PM by curly girly.

Day 5

3pm


have been stupid can't believe I'm posting NOW not half an hour ago...really worked yesterday when I had bad cravings to binge.

Well, you guessed it, I just binged But the good news is that it was a very small binge by my standards (3 small currant buns with BUTTER yuck, handful of nuts, big handful of pretzels). Usually a binge for me would be about 4000 calories, SHOCKING I know. No wonder I have put on so much weight lately now I'm in the habit of bingeing once or twice nearly every day. I would usually start with one thing in the kitchen cupboard then go out round the shops buying all kinds of crap. But I have forced myself to stay in the house right now which is helping. My partner has a stash of SAD food, but even he's trying to be healthier and lose weight at the moment so actually there isn't that much stuff here that I would want to binge on. It's saving me money too because once I am in those shops I will spend WHATEVER to get my fix and I can't afford to keep doing it.

Other good thing is that I haven't purged and I know now that I won't That is good for sure. Usually find it really really hard not to purge after overeating even if it's not that much that I would really consider it a "binge".

*deep breath*

I'm trying not to make this a big deal in my mind. Really it's not. I overate, so what, it happens, I need to get a grip now and get back to raw. I have been almost 100% raw for four and a half days. That is an achievement. Before today I had not binged for 5 days (the 4 I have journalled and the day before I started) and I have not purged for 6 days. That is an achievement. I ate 100% raw today until the binge and I know I will eat 100% raw tonight at dinner rather than carry on with SAD crap. That is also an achievement.

I'm trying to think why it happened today...I guess I'm feeling down about this kidney infection. I'm better enough that I am getting bored in the house by myself all day, but I'm not well enough that I can actually go out and do something. Tried driving to the town earlier to take a walk and do some shopping and ended up in a lot of pain again and feeling very nauseous. I'm guilty of feeling sorry for myself!! Also I think I want "comfort foods". I'm not very used to eating healthily when I'm ill. When I was small my Mum would buy me cakes and chocolates to cheer me up, my grandparents would send money for sweets...I guess I associate junk food with treats and comfort still. Actually my cravings were bad as soon as I got to town. First I nearly went in the baker's to buy a vegetable pie, but talked myself out of that. Then it was chocolate in the "health food" shop, talked myself out of that. Then pizza hut (I always want pizza when I binge) when I was in the car park next to the restaurant, talked myself out of that. Chips on the way home, talked myself out of that. Guess it's no wonder I headed for the kitchen when I got in, had no good voices left! That happens sometimes. I talk myself out of bingeing all day then give in when I get home from work. It's like I just get tired of the effort.

Think I'm also sad that I have been off work for a week now and no-one has phoned or texted asking how I am I work in a very close team of 5 people and we support each other 100%. Whenever anyone else is ill I'm the first on the phone asking how they are and whether there's anything I can do for them, bring them etc. It would have been nice if someone had been in touch. But hey, just because I phone people when they are ill doesn't mean that other people should do that too. I shouldn't expect it, it doesn't necessarily mean no-one cares, it's just that everyone's different. Rationally I know that, but there is a little bit of me that feels hurt even though it's silly to.

Ugh I'm getting a headache now. Sure I'm sensitive to wheat....

have far too much time on my hands today to read random stuff on the internet...

OMG *shock* kidney infections can be related to BULIMIC BEHAVIOUR

I never knew

I want to stop this

I have given myself diabetes

My gumline has receded over a couple of my teeth

I am 14 pounds heavier than when I started with all this

I have lost all my friends

I nearly lost my Mum

I lost my happiness

I make my boyfriend cry

For what?

Fake food. Poison.

I don't want to destroy my body anymore

curly girl,

I just wanted to let you know that I understand your struggles. I'm going through the same thing right now, I'm here for you. I'm sorry that your work hasn't called you yet, I'm glad you realize that it's not you its them. Keep up the great work. I know all to well that a binge makes us feel nasty, but give yourself a big big big huge for not purging. What an improvement, I'm proud of you. Together we can try to reason with ourselves for why we have to taste everything. "TASTE" can be a very dangerous thing, at least for me. I just wanted to give you some words of encouragement. I think you are very braves and I admire your progress. You are inspiring to me.

quit stressing over the past and look forward to the future .. lack of diabetes...healthy gums ...lower weight ...making your boyfriend laugh !

dont dwel on the negatives ..ok ? its so counterproductive

and way to go on not purging !

your binge is probably from adjusting to raw foods ..we tend to eat less then we need at first .. make sure you are getting lots of fruit an veggies and never feeling hungry

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

hi curlygirly,

Listen, it's going to be okay!... really. Just trust us when we say that; we're the Universe smiling back at you and telling you what it wants you to know. Even if you've 'given' yourselves diabetes, it's not set in stone. Almost everything is coimpletely curable if we just go step by step in faith... faith in ourselves and in our inner guidance systems.

You're doing great!!! We love you and we're here for you. Detoxification and transition aren't always fun, but you are going to be rewarded for your efforts by beginning to manifest more and more health, energy and beauty. Just keep that in mind and you'll be fine.

Sharrhan:


[www.facebook.com]

thank you so much for the kind posts *hugs* it means a lot as I don't speak to anyone about these things

lizard...

sorry you're having difficulties right now, don't hesitate to post here or PM me if you need someone to listen. You're so right about that TASTE thing. "but it TASTES good", "I'm only going to have a TASTE", "a TASTE won't hurt"....LOL very familiar. You know I read once in a self-help book something about taste and trigger foods, and the author was saying something along the lines of "why do you need a taste - you KNOW what it tastes like because you have been eating it ( probably non-stop) the last 24 hours/week/your whole life etc". That made me laugh because it shows how silly it is - there I am craving the taste of pizza when it's not like I have FORGOTTEN what it tastes like!!! Crazy


Jodi...

Thanks for reminding me about being positive I'm very good at being negative, not so good at being positive I think it would be good to write out a list of all the things I have to look forward to now that I am officially thinking of myself as "in recovery". How is your cute fish doing?

Sharrhan...

Thanks for the sweet words. I like the idea of getting a reward for my efforts, I'll try to bear that in mind. I wanted to tell you too how beautiful your music is - I listened to it some months back, I'm a flautist too , my degree is in music and I studied at the Royal Academy in London for a short while. Did I read on your blog that you're having difficulties with playing at the moment? You mustn't give up, honestly I think you're extremely talented. I don't play much flute now, kind of got burnt out with it after uni, but I started learning viola a few months back. It's SO much fun learning a new instrument after all this time, it reminds me what flute was like before all the pressure came from school with it.

OK, so here's to a good day for everyone. Have just made a huge mango and kale smoothie to give me a good start...

bye for now

mango and kale smoothie?

mmmmm

i luv kale

and i luv mango

u should put a link of some of your viola music

i had a friend that played the cello

it was so incredible and beautiful sounding speically when he played it as a
harmony thing with other people ( they played cello too)

i know ... not the same thing as viola

u should put a listening link for your viola music

i don't know how to do it

maybe ask kwan

flute is beautiful too

i wish i could play the flute

but i never tried

but i sing

cuz i luv it

anyhow

like jay gunn and kwan says

everything is good

keep focusing on your victories

and keep focusing on happy healthful vibrant YOU!

Thanks La V for the encouragement

I won't be putting any links to my viola music for a while yet...I've only had ten lessons, not sure it's that nice to listen to at the moment

Maybe in a few years

You're right, cello is beautiful. I nearly picked that, but then it's so big to carry around, get in the car and stuff..

Day 6 of RECOVERY

100% raw ))

No bingeing/purging ))

Cravings not too bad at all.

I felt happy today because the infection seems to be lessening and I was able to go for a walk without being in too much pain. It felt so good to be out and moving in the fresh air and cheered me up no end. Will go again today. Completely took away my cravings

Ate a lot of raw corn today, I love it. And it helps me because it's starchy but in a better way than the cooked grains and SAD.

Went shopping and bought huge amounts of fruit and veg for the week. Got really excited because the Sicilian oranges are back in - they're RED inside and sooooo sweet. YUM!

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Days since last binge 1
Days since last purge 7



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/20/2008 07:40AM by curly girly.

7 days of victory way to go

get lots of water to help flush toxins from your body

hip hooray for you! ! ! !

Day 7 of RECOVERY

100% raw

No bingeing/purging )


YAY!!!!!
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Days since last binge: 2
Days since last purge: 8

Good for you, CG!!!

Thanks Sundancer

Day 8 of RECOVERY

3:45pm

Am struggling a bit this afternoon, just thought I'd post to get it all off my chest rather than bury it in the bottom of a box of cakes

Have done pretty well all day, almost 100% raw apart from some cooked broccoli and beetroot in a salad I had at a cafe with my Mum and I'm not bothered about cooked veggies so it's not what I've been eating that's bothering me....

...haven't binged or purged, so it's not that...

...haven't rowed with anyone, nothing bad's happened, no stress because I'm not at work, I'm actually feeling a lot BETTER with my kidney infection...

...not really hungry, have eaten enough...

...I'm just REALLY grumpy and irritable!!!! And I don't know why!!!! LOL And I am feeling the urge to eat bad things

Grrrr...I'm ready to KILL ha ha

Maybe this is detox?

Actually I can't believe how fast I am seeing the effects of a better eating pattern. I don't know for sure because I don't weigh myself (ALWAYS a binge trigger whether it's low or high) but I think I have lost a few pounds, my stomach certainly looks flatter and I have already taken my bedtime insulin down by two units and have a feeling I could get away with one more less tonight. ))

So, am going to try to keep myself occupied for the next couple of hours until my partner gets home to avoid any slip ups

Think I'm well enough to go to yoga tomorrow morning. It would be soooo nice to get there feeling fresh and slim rather than tired and bloated and heavy - usually always binge on a Friday and am feeling the effects on Saturday morning.

Will try to focus on that this afternoon...

Could be detox. Some foods can be addicting, and I get cranky when I cut myself off from certain foods. Wheat is very problematic for me -- if I eat any, I'll probably binge, so I stay away from it and tell myself that to me, it is poison, because it kind of is.

Hi Sundancer

Yeah, wheat is a major issue with me as well. I'm sure I'm sensitive to it and if I even START on anything wheat based I'm generally in big trouble

Well, I got through without any binges or purges yesterday ))

Not quite sure I achieved my aim of waking up this morning "slim and fresh" though - went out to eat at a restaurant last night like every weekend and ate a lot of cooked food. Nothing awful, still vegan, starch-free and lots and lots of veggies, but this morning I'm back to looking puffy and my tummy which had been getting significantly flatter is very much back in evidence LOL Think there was way too much oil and salt for me...am detoxing now with a nice big juice

Oh well, I'm not ready yet to give up my weekly restaurant meal or to be totally 100% raw all the time. Not sure I ever will be, really, but as long as I get the bingeing/purging under control I will be very very happy. Eating delicious, very high raw food all of the time would be the icing on the (raw) cake!

Took my long acting bedtime insulin down another unit last night and woke up this morning at a decent level despite the meal out YAY!!!!

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Days since last binge: 3
Days since last purge: *9*

Day 9 of RECOVERY

100% raw

No bingeing

No purging

But MONSTER cravings all afternoon for starch - bread and pizza. I think it was making toasted cheese sandwiches for my partner that triggered me, the smell was sooo good. It was like I was ravenous, but actually I wasn't hungry at all. I tried eating a couple of nuts to see if I was in fact just starving, but no, I didn't really even want them. How is it possible to feel soooo hungry when you're not??? It's really strange. Actually, I only realised a few weeks ago that that certain "hungry" feeling I get, usually around 3pm, is a completely FAKE hunger. Sounds obvious, but it has actually taken me about 5 years to realise it!!!! I always used to think I must be starving and must eat something, quickly - before I was diabetic I was hypoglycaemic and if I got too hungry and didn't eat I would get very shaky, so I got quite afraid of feeling very hungry. It was a big breakthrough for me when I realised a few weeks ago that when I get that gnawing "ravenous" feeling (it's quite different to normal hunger" it actually doesn't matter what I eat or how much I eat, it just doesn't go away. If I binge on chocolate, it doesn't go away, if I binge on cakes it doesn't go away, nor if I eat crisps, or chips, or even something healthy. So I finally realised that it is an emotional hunger not a physical hunger because nothing I eat solves it. Once I got that sorted in my mind it helped a lot, because it became easier to talk myself out of the cravings and I just knew that even if I ate whatever I was craving, it would not take the feeling away and I would end up bingeing desperately trying to find a food/level of satiation that would stop it. So now I try to rationalise with myself that eating won't make any difference so there's no point in doing it....but it's still tough sitting it out!

Every day at around 3pm that feeling comes....I'm sure it's 3pm because when I started binge eating I was a teacher. I hated school so much, and as soon as it finished (at 3pm!), I would drive home to my flat and literally sit on the kitchen floor and eat whatever I could find in the cupboards. My kitchen then was so tiny I could reach anywhere just sitting in the middle of the floor!

I wonder how long it will take for that awful 3pm feeling to go away????

Hey, it's snowing!!! First time this year. We must be in for a cold cold winter - that snow's about three months early!!


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Days since last binge: 4
Days since last purge: 10 )))



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/23/2008 08:19AM by curly girly.

can your partner not cook for himself? at least for a little while .. maybe you could comprimise by doing prep but not the acutall cooking

alot of times thirst is actually tricked as hunger ..next time your are feeling this way maybe have some water, juice or a smoothie and see if you are saited satisfied

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

curlygirly--
> If I binge on chocolate, it doesn't go away, if I binge on cakes it doesn't go away, nor if I eat crisps, or chips, or even something healthy<

I read on Wai's website awhile back that junk food carbs contain opioid peptides that cause enormous unceasing hunger pangs. So maybe it's both: emotional hunger as well as physical.

Sharrhan:


[www.facebook.com]

Jodi...

That is a good idea about my partner cooking for himself, I think he would actually go for it if I did the prep. He has a fear of cooking because he thinks that it won't taste good because he thinks he doesn't know what to put with what, but the actual physical cooking bit he would be fine with, it's not laziness just lack of practice. He has absolutely no ambitions towards raw or even vegetarianism LOL however he is very supportive of me eating whatever makes me happy, so I am very lucky in that respect. We have been together over 5 years and always always eaten different meals together!!!

Also, thanks for the reminder about the thirst thing. It's made me think that now it's getting colder I might buy some nice herbal teas and enjoy them at that mid-afternoon craving time.

Sharrhan...

That's a good point about the addictive-ness of junk carbs. Gives me hope that the less I have them the less the hunger will be eventually!

How are you two doing?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/23/2008 08:02PM by curly girly.

Day 10 of RECOVERY

No bingeing

No purging

BUT.....fell off the wagon with raw a little bit...well a medium bit...well OK quite a big bit

Had a good start to the day then we went out to a farmers' market and they had such delicious looking cakes and chocolates there. I was tempted and I had a small chocolate bar. BUT it was a conscious decision to enjoy it rather than a desperate "I need my fix NOW" that I get if I had been craving....it's a very different feeling. Unfortunately that then led to cravings for cooked food and I ate vegetable soup (not home made, out of a can ) and some wholemeal bread for dinner.

I feel pleased and disappointed at the same time...pleased that I didn't use it as an excuse to binge (have been with my partner all day which helped a lot, would have been a very different story if I had been by myself) and disappointed that I wasn't disciplined enough just to leave it at the chocolate which I really did enjoy instead of then eating crappy "soup" and the cooked starch which really wasn't worth it. Could have ended the day raw and feeling pretty good.

Never mind. Main thing is no bingeing and especially no purging. That makes me feel sooooo bad physically and mentally. Will be back on raw tomorrow, no question. My insulin needs are quite definitely falling and that feels soooo good, just want to hold onto that feeling!

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Days since last binge: 5
Days since last purge: 11

vegetable soup adn grain bread is still better then diving face first into say .. a complete icing cake only comeing for air when ya have too ...

dont be hard on yourself .. its all bout steps in the right direction