Good for you. Wow, you handled that situation so well. Think about how you would have reacted before 10 days ago and how you are now. I think you deserve a huge gold star. Hey, everyone has cravings, but your thoughts are now being programmed differently. I think that is an amazing step in progress for you.

Thanks for the kind words Lizard - how are things going with you?

Jodi - yeah, you're right about steps I find taking steps difficult, I'm so all or nothing which I guess is typical of a lot of people with EDs...

Day 11 of RECOVERY

No bingeing
No purging

100% raw

yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Today was challenging though. I started on jury service today at the courts. I was feeling my triggers before I even got there as I get very anxious when I am out of my comfort zone with regard to the people I am with. I hate being in a big group and I hate being with, specifically talking to, people I don't know. Silly, but makes me very very anxious. Had the urge to eat cake before I even got there. Also I was quite nervous about the whole thing - imagine the jury gives the wrong verdict and someone ends up in prison for years for something they haven't done....

Once I got there we were told that we had to stay in this one room until we were either allocated to a trial or told we could go home. I sat there from 9am to 3pm when I got told I wouldn't be needed today after all!!! I had stuff to read etc but literally sitting in that one chair for hours got to me and I was fighting the urge to hit the vending machines or get something junky from the restaurant they had there. We were all given cards with £5 per day to spend at the restaurant and I had to say it smelled good even though when I saw what people were eating it didn't LOOK good LOL. That helped a bit - the meals were very poor quality and there wasn't anything healthy even by SAD standards. But the urge was there to just eat it anyway.

As soon as I was released for the day I went for a long walk, which helped get rid of my cravings. I did overeat on nuts at dinner, but hey, not going to worry about that, it was only like 3 handfuls of cashews


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Days since last binge: 6
Days since last purge: 12



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2008 09:04AM by curly girly.

cg--
That's wonderful! You should be really proud of yourself. I had jury duty a couple years back myself, and it made me quite anxious, too. Luckily I was excused from service, but not until I had sat all day at the courthouse, bored out of my mind.

Sharrhan:


[www.facebook.com]

Thanks Sharrhan - yeah, it was pretty boring yesterday!


Day 12 of RECOVERY

Bad day, binged (((

Not a huge binge by my standards, but big enough and totally SAD.

Am feeling very disappointed with myself, the more so because I actually consciously caught myself as I started to eat and thought about the choice I was making. And a little voice somewhere in me said "to hell with it, I WANT to binge". USually I just go on autopilot when I binge and don't think about what I'm doing. I'm frustrated that this time I actually stopped to think but decided to make the choice to carry on. damn. Why would I actually WANT to binge and make myself feel this bad?

Haven't purged and am trying not to, but I feel so sick it is hard not to and I just want all this crap out of my body. I'm trying to remember that it won't help anything and will just make me feel worse and cause even more damage to my body.

Am pretty sure this was triggered by the day at court - the minute I got home I just wanted to eat. Was allocated to a trial finally after virtually another whole day sitting around doing nothing and I freaked out a bit about it. Turned out to be a case that will likely be quite distressing and seeing the defendants in the dock whose lives this is seriously going to affect brought it home to me what a serious responsibility it is to sit on a jury. My whole family is like "cool, holiday from work, get to be in court like on the TV" and yeah, to a certain extent it is, but the verdict will mean so much to those people. It's not really a holiday or a bit of fun is it...

Also turned out the trial could last many weeks, so had to phone in to my manager to let her know. That made me very anxious - have been off virtually the last three weeks ill with cold then kidney infection, then now I might be off until Christmas or even after on this trial. I shouldn't get myself worried over these things, it couldn't be helped that I was ill or that I have jury service, but I had such a fear that she would be angry with me. Stupid to worry that people will be "angry" with me - I'm a grown woman still thinking like a little girl who doesn't want to get into "trouble". Think I need to start thinking "well, so what if .... is angry with me, how exactly is that going to affect my life?". Kind of worked today at lunch when everyone else was eating the canteen food and I felt so self conscious about eating my salad and like everyone was looking at me and judging me. All the sudden I thought to myself "well, so what if they think I'm weird? How exactly is it going to make any difference to my life if these random people think I eat strange food?" And I decided that it wouldn't affect my life at all and I started to relax about it.

Now I'm stressing out because I'm so bloated and I have to go see the nurse tomorrow morning to get more contraceptive pills. She will weigh me, obviously I am going to weigh heavy because I will be full of crap/retaining fluid and she will ask me why I am putting on weight and I will get the lecture, I will feel ashamed and will want to go hide in the bottom of a cake box. Don't know why they always have to weigh me, it really annoys me. I have a BMI of between 20 and 21 depending how my eating's been - I feel fat because I am bingeing and I want to lose weight because I know this isn't my true weight, how can it be when I am binge eating all the time, but I know I don't LOOK fat. Or thin, for that matter. So why weigh me all the time and make comments about it? I dread being weighed, I have actually cancelled appointments over it but I really need to get those pills this time, can't cancel. Oh well - how is it going to make any difference to my life if some random nurse makes the comment that I've put on weight...it isn't. I know what I am trying to do and that I will get there in the end and that this is just a blip.

One positive - I know I am not going to purge now. That's good. I want to but I just can't bring myself to. I'm glad about that. Have noticed that I end up bingeing a lot more if I purge because after purging I feel empty again and go to find more food to fill myself up again. At least if I don't purge there is only so much food that can go in before I start feeling ill...and it takes so long to digest that it puts me off bingeing again.

Another positive - I started back exercising this week after not having exercised for about three weeks due to being ill. Feel so much better about things when I'm exercising (appropriately and not overdoing things).

Right, tomorrow will go for a nice bike ride before court - don't have to get there until 10:30 and it's only a short drive. Then I'm going to fill up on delicious raw food. Have lots of those yummy Sicilian oranges still to eat up and then we are going food shopping in the evening so I can make sure I've got enough tempting healthy treats. Found a recipe for walnut-raisin cake topped with an orange/lemon frosting in my raw recipe book. Will make that when I get home from court or if that will lead to me bingeing on the nuts while I'm making it I will do some music practice until my partner gets home.

Looks so simple and easy when I write it down like that!!!

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Days since last binge: 0 (((
Days since last purge: 13



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2008 09:45PM by curly girly.

Hey Curly girly,

You know what I say? Pick yourself up and dust off. Hey I don't know anyone that's perfect or who hasn't fallen in their life. I'm sorry it happened and I know how you feel, but be proud of yourself, you didn't Purge!!! that's awesome. You have progressed so much. Just keep up the great work, one slip will not destroy what you've worked so hard for, you're so much better than that.

hey lizard

thank you for the support

feels a bit lame, just keep saying "thank you" to all of you who are posting kind comments, doesn't really convey how valued it is...but it is valued

how are you doing?

hey take yourself out for a nice walk and take some deep breaths

you can be dissapointed all you want but its not gonna change anything so there really is no point to feeling this way .. whats done is done ..you are smart enough to know what you did wrong .. and even smarter not doing what you instinctivly wanted to do after it

suck it up buttercup !! =D you made it through another day yer almost at 2 weeks of not purging THAT is a huge step forward

and if yer nurse starts givin ya @#$%& about the weight just smile and tell her you are working on with good meal planning by adding more fresh fruit and veggies into your diet (dont tell her youve gone raw that will set her off on a whole nother tangent) and exercise , dont let her get you engaged in some kinda self defeating conversation/ lecture that wont help .. just tell her you are working on it

as for jury duty .. unless you can find someway out of it .. your doingyour duty .. and there is notta thing much your employer can do about it..so dont stress over that either ..ITS NOT LIKE YOU VOLUNTEERED FOR IT !!

=D

heres a free recipe book from nomi shannon that looks like it has some neat holidy stuff to make raw maybe you might find something in there to tickle yer fancy

[rawgourmet.com]



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2008 10:26PM by Jgunn.

Hi Curly Girl,

I'm doing much better. Slowly, it takes time and I'm far from perfect but when I slip I just think of how that slip was better b/c..... so that's helping. I'm also juicing dinner and not eating at all once I get home from work. this is extremely difficult. I just stay out of the kitchen and out of the TV's way. It seems to help me think about why I'm eating, my obsession with taste. It's people like you that really inspire me to keep going and trying. Thank you for all of your posts. I have faith in you, you will succeed!