8th June

Once I am home in the uk and earning I will be able to afford a dehydrater, organic food and a spiraliser! I will grow a little vegetable patch and be able to source foods more easily such as kale and nut oil. I will be a better mum too. I will have the strength to kick smoking again and caffeine for the first time ever - just water! put my boys on a super mainly raw healthy diet. No more sweets! I want to be there for them so I plan to work 31/2 or 4 days a week. We will have to see what's available. It's such a wrench to leave the mountains I love but my long term plan is to move back.

Today

banana and spinach smoothie
handful of mange tout
6 oranges
1 apple
handful of pumkin seeds
2 avocados
broccoli 2 florets with tahini
tea 3 rooibos
water 1 - 2 pints

Jodi, thankyou again for advice relating to my personal circumstances.

Guess what too, my boys asked for 'cold' raw broccoli tonight to go with their fishfingers! I must be doing something right.

its all gonna be ok hun trust yourself and trust the universe, any step forwards is the step in the right direction

regaining your power will feel so good

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

i hear pineapple is good for the throat.(voice) it clears out mucous

June 10th

So I have posted a general query to the main forum to challenge my concept of 80% raw ! Seems I don't, erm, really know what I am talking about...
Continuing to try hard though, despite evidence on certain foods to the contrary.
A long day... beautiful weather here in the alps. God, I'm going to miss this place. There's a slim chance I can stay if my old counsellor will hire me as his PA which seems to dependent on finances.

Hey hun ! sorry been a bit busy away from the computer this last week, its tax season here and its pretty nuts

im glad you have made some decisions about your future, i know its a scary deal but please know that you can do it and it will all work out , you will be in a better place for you and your kids !

I will chat more tonight

huge hugs ! its gonna be a great life you will see

and PS your message box is full

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

hey arrow whats new hope life is treating you well

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

19/19/09

I'm back to eating some cooked. I don't feel so great, obviously. I am smoking too. I don't know what the answer is for me right now; I found the strength to move on in my life with the greater clarity it eating raw gave me but I have some serious personal upheaval to deal with. Numbing myself as I have done through cigarettes and I guess comfort eating (toasted cheese sandwiches) before seems more familiar and safe. It's where I am right now. :-( I was so happy to have made such a commitment to an ultimate healthy way of eating. I feel when I am in control of my own finances I can get back on track then in two or three months but in the meantime keep up with the salads and fruit as much as possible.

dont sweat it hun you got lots on your plate you will get through it all , take a deep breath and carry on , try to look past the darkness in front of you towards the light. we all have these moments and they pass , trust me

and dont be overwhelmed about being or not being raw or smoking or not smoking .. everything will fall into place once you get over these hurdles baby you and your kids deserve the best that life has to offer !

if i could grab you and give you a big hug right now i would *tickles your frown so it turns upside down !*

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist




Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 06/21/2009 10:46PM by Jgunn.

Hi Arrow,

Sounds like you're hanging in there just fine. I like your attitude: "...in the meantime keep up with the salads and fruits as much as possible". That sounds like a good plan, especially with everything you're going through right now!

When you're ready, you might find it helpful to draw a line somewhere with your food choices that you absolutely will not cross. For me, that first line was staying vegan, because committing to vegan was both worthwhile and realistic (given my intense love of food!). Once I absolutely committed to being vegan, I was able to eat raw food most of the time. But when I ate cooked food, I never crossed that vegan line. It helped develop my willpower!

Giving up cigarettes was very hard for me. One thing I learned is, I could never pick up a cigarette again. I mean never! I quit for 9 years once, and then smoked a cigarette at a party (just to be a wise guy). I ended up smoking the rest of the night, and then going to the store and buying a pack the next morning. I was hooked again for a year!

I smoked a pack a day. You don't smoke that much, but still, the same general rule most likely applies. Once you quit, you really have to quit. It's smoke or not smoke. One or the other.

I haven't smoked now for over 20 years. If I can do it, anybody can.

I think it's very helpful to make friends who enjoy the challenge of life and find positive things in life to pursue. It sounds like you have such friends, and I'm glad for you that you're spending time with them!

Best wishes, and keep up the good work. Lots of hugs for you and your little boys!

Hi Arrow!
I haven't been online as much lately, and missed some of your posts. I was just reading them today, and I SO resonated with the one where you said you had cigarettes and 4 glasses of wine one night. I've been raw for over 20 years, but I STILL slip up now and then -- like I'll have cooked food at a restaurant, or drink some alcohol in a social setting, and so on. I'm still learning not to beat myself up mentally later for my choices.

One thing that has really helped me lately is to realize that when I'm cleansing (doing a juice fast or some other cleansing type of regimen), it's good to get into 'ascetic' mode and be disciplined. The rest of the time, however, I need to be careful not to deprive myself of calories and/or nutrients, which then leads to binging later in the day or evening if I'm not careful. So lately I've started sprouting quinoa (amaranth is good too -- they're both alkaline-forming grains) to have as part of my evening meal, and I generally have an avocado every evening in my salad.

Frankly, here's a bit of hype in the raw movement, of people not being totally honest about how they really eat, because they're afraid of what the 100% 'purists' will say or think. When I was new to raw, I tried to just jump right in and be a fruitarian, with disturbing results, since I had a lot of toxins to clear. It was hard, but worth the struggle. So my heart goes out to anyone who's starting out. It sometimes requires the patience of Job and the self-love of a saint sometimes. ;-p Well no, it's not quite that bad!, lol: the raw diet is wonderful, but it takes a bit of imagnation and diligence to find your own way with it and forge a path that works for you.

I also have a partner who's not raw (although he eats some raw food), so I empathize. I wouldn't trade him for any guy who's a raw foodist, but sometimes I do wish he didn't have certain foods in our refrigerator to tempt me! He always tries to share a little of his beer with me too, which I don't really care that much for, but sometimes I'll take a couple sips.

Anyway.... (before this becomes a book).... sending loving, healthful thoughts your way and wishing you a (belated) Happy Summer Solstice!

Sharrhan:


[www.facebook.com]

june 24th

ok, so this is a hard time and first things first, determined will not give up and give in. so with the aide of a fabulous hypnosis stop smoking download, this is day three off cigarettes. I am determined that I will not buckle into this one self defeating habit for if I can do this now without cigarettes I need never go back again. To cigarettes again. As long as I have a healthy way of chanelling the loss the other side of this.

That's great Arrow!

I hope you find that today is just a little easier than yesterday. The first few days can be really hard!

It's so great you quit though! We'll all be thinking of you and wishing you the very best. You'll be so happy once you get through this!

One thing that worried me about quitting was that I felt very nervous when I didn't smoke. It was difficult to even talk to people because I felt so nervous. After I quit for a while, that feeling completely left me. I now know it was part of the addiction, and I'm so glad it's gone.

Keep going! You can do it!

glad to hear from you hun keep up the good work!

quitting smoking was the hardest thing ever. i still consider myself quitting everyday the temptation jumps out at me

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

June 30th

I realise my last post was of a highly personal nature. You know I don't mean to disrespect him as a human being or publically name call to make myself feel better. I don't even feel angry at him anymore. I don't think he is lazy actually for what it's worth although I do think he is very self limiting and has no regard for a relationship in his life (me). So yes lazy in relation to me or my needs. He also does rely on alcohol to a large degree to get him through the nights ( every night). The truth is he loves his boys dearly and they adore him but doesn't like or love me that's why we are no longer a possibilty. Plus the unreliabiilty and the high lack of regard...
On a different note...
I gave up smoking a week ago in the pursuit to get back on track with raw foods. I stopped with a wonderful hypnosis download that took me further into relaxation and visualisation than I have ever been. I listened to it just for two days running and gave up after the first listening. I haven't had any cravings for cigarettes. I truly believe it is goodbye to nicotine forever. I was up to about 7 - 10 a day. My little ones were seeing me smoke too. It was incentive as well as not wanting to go under in the face of big changes. I knew if I left him it would have to be to move onto something better for myself and for the boys and stopping smoking seemed the first logical thing to do.
My partner has moved out. As of today he wants me to remain in France so he can see his boys.I am confused cos I was all set to leave and had a nursery and job set up. Incidentally he is thoroughly as happy for our relationship to be over as I am. At least there is no other agenda than what is best for the boys.
I am considering staying in light of this. I don't want to deprive him or them of having a father. I think that it might be an unecessary trauma. But I don't want to be financially reliant and I want to earn as much as I do or could in the uk so I am not the scraping by single mum. No disrespect, I just mean I have had no money for the past three years and now know what it feels like to have lack of freedom and chioce through lack of money.
I am facing some big decisions. Here's my thoughts, and if you have any insight PLEASE help me on this one.
I have a talent for singing and for painting and have sold some paintings here and sing and play guitar for fun weekly with friends and am training to be a life coach which I am vey excited about, and also have a passionate interest in raw foods as a means of propelling me forward to self growth and discovery. I am a trained occupational therapist but in heart of hearts know that working in hospitals is not a way forward for me because i don't believe in this medical model of handing over responsibility to others and taking medication. I can speak from first hand experience of this. However this is my bread and butter. If I could find my true vocation I would because I know it involves healing/ bringing messages to people. It could make use of my musical and artisitic ability which I must express. I have a vision about combining my passions and bringing them to people. I feel ideas forming within me all the time as I am exploring a way forward. If I go home to the safety net of the UK and back into a hospital job I will feel the short term financial gain...but I will not find the long term satifaction I am after. I do love nordic walking too in the mountains and hiking and photography are set to bigger parts of my life once the boys are older or in school. I should mention that I live in a wonderufl skiing area and I love love love skiing, or I used to...I haven't been for since I moved here three years ago because of the boys and lack of money. They are still so young, only two and three.
In truth though practical consideration calls forth. Firstly I must visit the last possibility of OT work in Geneva to see how frequently they take people on and whether they are interested. If I don't get a job to support myself here as quickly as possible then I am beholden to my ex which is not a nice place to be in. That means at least a years wait for a regular job. Secondly I must proceed with life coaching asap to generate an income. Whilst becoming raw. It's the only way forward for me. I have a little vision of raw food classes here in the alps.
Guidance?? WHere to go forward too many options? Where's best and how?
Incidentally, I am still eating lots of fruit but have a daily weakness now for toasted cheese and ketchup sandwiches which i make quickly and joylessly in order to stuff myself. I know! There's something there to do with a defensive! you try going through a separation without comfort eating!! Yet part of me now knows the worst is over. It is finished, whether I stay here or not, and the sense of relief is enormous.

It would be nice for your kids to be able to see their father for sure, he will always be a part of their life so if you can work around that all the better.


as far as your choice of carreer , you should probably think out what exactly you will need financially to get by and what you can't get by without and go from there. even if it means taking more money right now to sacrifice everything else you just need to set yourself in a place of stability

good job on the quitting smoking ! glad to hear it !

and dont worry about not being able to follow your dreams , once you have happy home base established its nothing but onwards and upwards from there remember nothing is written in stone and you have all these opportunities now ahead of you to make yourself a really happy life for you and your boys

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist




Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/30/2009 11:41PM by Jgunn.

Hi Arrow,
Wow, you have a lot of talents and a lot of options in front of you. :-) As a fellow musician and visual artist with a strong inclination toward spiritual healing myself (for awhile I was a healer on the Distant Healing Network online, and now I'm performing music), I'd definitely have to say follow that passion! Sometimes the creative fields take a little more discipline and ingenuity, but it's well worth it for those of us who are of that bent.

Sharrhan:


[www.facebook.com]

August 28th

Dear all, time for a new post.

Do you know I never saw any of your supportive posts back to me? I just checked today some two months later and was so pleased to see all those supportive messages from you all. Thankyou SO much. But I sort of stopped posting because I didn't see any of those and I have no idea why! How strange. I kind of felt I was talking to a void. Or rather that noone wanted to talk to me...So absolutely thrilled to find out I was wrong - techincal hitch, computer glitch, who knows?

So I will give you a quick update. What a summer - I am still in France and have decided to stay here. My ex took my passport to prevent me leaving without my knowledge! I know... illegal and outrageous. Do you ever find that if you Never want to associate it with someone again 9 times out of 10 you end up having to? I would normally never want to see this man again, he's too negative, critical, blocked, a drinker, verbally toxic ... but because he is the father and loves the boys dearly I see him every single day. His workshop is part of our house! Despite all I still have to be pleasant to him in front of my children. It can be difficult. As for the uk I had a job to go to and a nursery set up for the boys. It was all in place... But I am so grateful I didn't go, it made me address some fundamental issues here in France, namely the boys, my fear of dealing with them full time for two months over the summer hols, their discipline and their bedtimes! Things I wouldn't have been able to work on if we'ed of all had the upheaval of a move back to the UK.

Ultimately I LOVE it here. I can look out of any window and see mountains all around. I can nordic walk and after 10 minutes be in sweet meadows overlooking the valley. It's been such a hard summer but like I say now the decision is in place to stay and the relationship is finally over, things feel like they are right in place for going in the right direction.

Where to go to now? Well I need a job that's going to give me autonomy so I'll keep you updated on developments because it's crucial for moving forward and out of this situation. As suggested, money first, ideals later...

SO here's the deal with the raw food, which I cannot tell you how much is still such a passion for me. My ex has been buying a bag of groceries a week with food in for the boys, babybels, ham, bread, yoghurts, pasta...but has not been giving me any money for living expenses. I have not found the time with a two year old and a three year old to go down the benefits office to set up all the paperwork for regular single mum benefits. It takes hours and it's in french! The boys go to school next thursday so for the first time in 2 months I can get my 'new' life a little more sorted. I need money. Because I am still so into raw I've been buying myself fresh foods, avocados, toms, celery, spinach, bananas...but I have been eating some pasta and bread too - left over from the boys meals. SO for the last two months I suppose only 60% of my diet has been raw, plus I've been smoking for the vast majority of that, around 5 - 10 a day.

I HAVE BOUGHT A DEHYDRATER!!!I have been feeling SO deprived that I went and used the small amount of money I managed to get out of our joint account before it was frozen some 6 weeks ago, to buy a dehydrater, which arrived two days ago. Ouch, NO money... and HOORAY! don't care, got a dehydrater! I know it's not sensible, I am now in the red and that's NOT good, but I've been wanting one for a year, which is the length of time I have now been obsessed with raw, and I did buy and try a fan and the oven on a low setting but I was fiddling about with fan postioning and the oven door for over an hour to get a consistent low temp... SO now Flax seed crackers, and sweet seed crackers already made. Inspired in all areas now! Very excited. Sadly I have to take it out of my kitchen and hide it in the bedroom every day from the ex lest he thinks I'm doing alright financially. I have to say I was doing ok without one...but this defintely works for me because, last time I was driving to town 20 mintues away to go to the health food shop to buy expensive raw food crackers whenever the urge took me, which was every other day. Now I can make my own and they are so cheap and tasty!!

I'm back on my raw food journey next thursday so that's a big day for me (that's when the boys start school, they go super early in France) and it signals an amazing new beginning for me. I am rundown after the emotional upheaval of the summer and the looking after of the terror twosome fulltime so I am hoping for a new youthful boost again. Did I mention I was the big 40 in two months time? A new youthful boost is definitely what I am looking for. Not so hot on my appearance at present..More on that another time.

As for the smoking, after a week following my last post, I started again, this was because I was so stressed at not getting my passport.
NOW I have stopped again in preparation for going fully, or 'high' raw again and have had NO cigarettes as of two weeks Sunday. Feel a lot more energy for doing so, before I felt a sort of heavy lethargy in my bones. Again I downloaded some wonderful hypnosis tapes but 'Alan Carr' did it for me this time. I didn't want the withdrawal of nicotine to be in the way of detoxing from cooked. I've had some craving so have been eating more cooked to kind of help with the itch. You are absolutely right, if I ever have another cigarette I will be hooked again, I must never ever have another. My trigger is the anger and frustration I feel as my ex says yet another appalling thing to me..I must find a different response or a different coping mechanism. Maybe I will run to the fridge and start eating celery as quickly as possible, then go for a very long walk, after getting an emergency babysitter. David Wolfe says chewing veggies is an instinctual stress reliever.
This is my fourth weekend without my boys, he has them for the weekend. I have been using the time to rest really and be quiet. And gosh, is it quiet.
So much for my 'brief' post. There's so much more to say..how the boys are adjusting and how the relations are with the ex...but all for another time.

Hope you are all well. Looking forward to posting more regularly with a new determination to make it past 6 weeks on high raw this second time around. Maybe 100 days? That is is an exciting goal!

Arrow XXX

Nice to hear from you Arrow! Sounds like things are settling a little.

I'm glad you went right back into quitting the cigarettes again! Exactly the right move!

Wishing you and the boys the very best.

Aug 29th 2/2

Thankyou Suncloud. Things are settling, yes. It's going to be some time before I am in a newly created good space.

I have been playing with my new dehydrater and other recipes. I'm sorry to say not all successful!

Did the stuffed mushrooms today from this site and felt Very queer after, to coin an old fashioned phrase.Heady, dizzy, nauseous almost, sore throat later on. Felt 'orrible' I've had this before with mushrooms. Thought it was my imagination or dismissed it because I like mushrooms. I shall dehydrate them more and then give them away to a friend who's into raw. I can't face that again! Anyone else had similar?

My dehydater door lets in air? is this normal, it's not sealed? Things dehydrate at a quicker rate at the back.

I did Ani Phyo's creamy avocado soup and I love avocado so was looking forward to it immensely but found it too creamy and I didn't like the flavour with the miso and chipotle, tasted strong and meaty. Too rich!

Did I tell you I did sweet seed crackers! They are great but will definitely need further sweetening with honey or agave next time.

Is essene bread raw? They sell wonderful loaves at the health food shop and that has gone down very well.

Will pop this post on recipes forum...

Other than that, I went to a friends coffee shop...I have not seen her for 6 weeks and asked for work. They are not hiring.

Bought some blank greetings cards to make hande made cards for their shop. Perhaps they will sell.

Missing the boys a lot this weekend. My ex's family are all here in the alps and he has tried to persuade me to join them for a meal tomorrow. His way of persuading is to remind me how much he has done for me and that I have done nothing for him. This is causing me stress because I don't want to go and have thought about it a lot. It is so soon after the break up that they all hope I am going to get back together with him. He is pretending to them that he wants me back. So he won't lose face. He has suggested to them I am mentally ill. I am sure that it would be more convenient for him to live back in our home again. Despite their kind gesture I cannot go. If it was just fear I might summon up courage and go but it's more about making a stance about a new life away from him. They'll never ask them again and their support will now be withdrawn. That's it. I always preferred the family to him...particularly his brother and wife. Not his mother, they are like carbon copies of one another. Oh, stop Arrow. Leave it. I guess I am more vulnerable at the moment than I had thought. I'm sorry to wibble on about non raw/ personal stuff.

I liked Jodies suggestion about making yourself clear limits about where you will go with raw. I think this is very useful. Where I stumbled last time is social occasions not wishing to offend or rock the boat. I also made it an excuse!

I couldn't resist starting going high raw yesterday and not waiting til thursday. The reason for this is because I have MORE time to myself this weekend than I will next thursday as little Arch goes in for a half day only til he's used to it. Hence 2/2. Second 'raw' episode. Second day. No gos: no cooked, no meat, no dairy, no social occasion cheating. Allowed: dehydrated foods, essene bread, green tea, flavourings such as yeast extract, miso, honey. I have set myself 100 days! Last time I set no time limit which was much more healthy for the mind! I am not sure how this will work but let's give it a go seeing that my overall goal is never to eat cooked again. There's no time like the present. Hope I am not being unrealisitically optimistic.

Arrow

3/2

Felt nauseous this morning and knackered this afternoon. Emotionally see sawing.
Events of the day, had my first singing lesson. Really like my teacher. Argentinian 60-something cat lover. Apparently I should tighten my perenium all the time. Saw the ex's in-laws. Not a pleasant experience.

Eats

banana and spinach smoothie
big salad with olives, sundried toms dressing of oil and lemon. Simple and tasty
flax seed crackers. Quite a lot. Gosh they Are moreish. Max finished off the lot so I need to make a fresh batch.
Two apples
Half an avo
celery stick
2 slices essene comfort eating at bedtime!
lots of water

arrow yer back ! great to see you ! *hugs you till you make a squeeky toy noise*

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

4/2

Eek! Eek! Nice to speak with you too again, Jodi. Hope all's well.

So I have not had such a great day. Very tired, furry tongue, a little nauseous and stomach queasy at times. Went for an amazing unheard of nap this afternoon as the boys were both asleep at the same time too. Very emotional too. Got upset at Pinnochio. I am really not sure if the boys should be watching that, it is so horrible when the boys turn into donkeys and are set to work. Not only that the ex in laws turned up with my ex to see the boys. It was again uncomfortable with them there, not speaking to me. I asked my ex about the weekly shopping but he said he hadn' had the time or the money this week. In front of his parents. Ouch. I really feel like eating babybels when I think about how controlled this makes me feel and how saddened I am that his parents would not see fit to assist with this. I think they think I am rolling in benefits and that he does enough by paying the bills and mortgage. I would have assumed it would be a point of honour for him to provide for his boys. And off they went to a restaurant. Up til now I have been relying on his offer to supply us with groceries instead of seeking maintenance which he asked me not to do. The rest of the time its my increasing debt and a bit of cash here and there from my 80 year old mother. It's my fault entirely - I have been delaying on getting the benefits fully sorted out because i felt overwhelmed enough from having the boys full time. I had misplaced some paperwork I'd needed too. I was saving the hassle for when they got to school, because I know it's so emotional and time consuming and not a good place for me to be in with a 2 and 3 year old, but the frustration of being reliant on him is so intense. And he doesn't buy me any fresh fruit and veg I need for being raw! Or buy half the things on the list! Sometimes turning raw feels like it's all I've got. I'm down the benefits place tomorrow with the boys. I suppose I was allowing him to control this one aspect so this was bound to happen. I should have expected it. I didn't think he or his family would allow a complete stop on any contribution though.
Getting that buzzy detox feeling. Hmmmm. In tears rather frequently today. I dropped Archie accidentally on the pavement and the back of his head made a horrible squashy noise on the pavement. He howled, I was horrified at my clumsiness, felt so bad. Yes, not a very good day.

Eats
spinach and banana smoothie
cup of almonds and pumpkin seeds
1 banana
1 avocado
2 slices essene
1 apple
small glass of orange and carrot juice. Yum.
Maybe 4 or 5 sweet seed crackers
large handful plums
water

Saw a great post on this site on salad dressings. I am going to print it off. There will never be a boring bowl of lettuce again!

Nightie night

5/2

Oh yes, this is detoxing. Very tired and head foggy all day again. Buzzy feeling. Craving cooked? Yes, I'm afraid so. Less emotional. A little less tired this afternoon.

Days events; life coaching! I responded to someone looking for practice clients so am not needing to pay for this! She's good. We are working on the goal of my organisation of a charity night event of a live music night where I will be singing for my 40th birthday on the 30th 0ctober. Went down the social and got the ball rolling on the benefits.

spinach and banana smoothie. I never get tired of these and I've been having them for months and months!
lunch huge salad ( lettuce )with dressing of garlic, apple cider vinegar, olive oil and salt oh and a drizzle of agave. Really nice.
afternon snack sweet seed crackers
tea courgette pasta and pesto. Quite filling.
snack hot cup miso and several seed crackers (I'm sorry to say I did want some comfort cooked, cheesy doughy, but it's ok, it will pass)

detox sux ! there i said it lol !

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

6/2

Jodi, way to go. This is suckering. This tiredness is deadweight and I keep wandering from room to room going , what did I come in here for?
Definite improvement over yesterday but still tired and now a little wired at the same time!
However, raw food rocks! Why? Because the ex inlaws came over to pick a fight with me ( yes, I was shocked) but raw food gave my mind the clarity to defend myself and my postion without resorting to tears or insults about their son. Felt very strong. I invited them over in good faith to see the boys, gave them tea, and cake and showed them the Max's schoolbook but his father cornered me in the kitchen to harangue me. Stood my ground. SO SO SO confirms my decision about leaving him. You will be so pleased, raw friends, that I do not feel the need to go into details.
I am delighted that the boys fish fingers staring up at me left over had a wasp on them upon closer inspection! Otherwise I might have been tempted to whizz them in my mouth. In the bin they went.

Eats
spinach and banana smoothie
2 avocados
2 oranges
2 sticks celery
4 seed crackers
banana
apple

good for you for setting your boundaries and not letting him cross them !!

so proud of you my friend

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

7/2

Groggy all day because I was wired and feeling buzzy and awake from 3am til 5.30am (going over ex in laws visit from yesterday). Detox a little better.

Events
My little ones started back at school! Archie went for the first time. They looked so cute, Max took Archie's hand and told him 'look, you've got to put your slippers on, now come with me, don't cry, mum, you go' and with that they both smiled, waved and walked hand in hand confidently into the school room. 'Is that it?,' my ex asked incredulously. 'I was expecting tears and clinging onto me'. Another mum told me Max walked Archie hand in hand all round their classroom. I was going to keep Archie back for half days but he said he wanted to go back to school with Max in the afternoon. I was so proud of them. They came back saying they'd had fun. Three and two years old! They both turn three and four in October. I slept and rested most of the day.

Eats
spinach and banana smoothie
1 whole melon galia, It was like I hadn't eaten for a week the way I dug into this melon and enjoyed it.
3/4 cup of almonds
about 10 dates
1 apple
2 sticks celery, hmm they are starting to seem really tasty
2 oranges
2 cups olives in oil with salt herbs and garlic. Just could not stop shovelling them in!

All my food I mention is sadly not organic and I do not buy raw olives or almonds. I would like to obviously, I just haven't got the money at the moment. Just so you know where I'm coming from. However, I think that this is the first step and over time my circumstances will change and I can refine my diet. Firstly I so want the challenge and excitement of being this high raw for 100 days, organic or not, the health benefits will still be amazing. The other thing I should mention is that I supplement with a tablet a day for vegans, an all rounder thing. I didn't want to think I was depriving myself this time round of any possible nutrients etc... I should also mention I have not smoked now for 18 days.

Talk to you later,
Arrow x

8/2

Events
boys went to school for the second day, in tears. Went to a friends for a cup of tea then had a friend over for lunch. Boys were wild when they came home. I was in tears Max was So naughty. I did not lose my temper with him, just talked to him and found out the problem. Turns out he's jealous of his little brother taking the limelight as new youngest boy in the school. Max said he didn't want to go to Daddies for the weekend and wanted to stay with me which was a first. In the evening I went to guitar/ singing evening with my french friends at Le Biot. It's too bizarre. Here I am, I my french is poor, and yet we sing and play music together, not very well its true, and it transcends everything, and I can honestly say it's an incredible relationship. They were teaching me classic french songs and their meaning this evening. It was really great.

Eats
My Goodness, it's been hard today. I fed left over fish fingers to the cat instead of eating them myself.
I don't even know what I've eaten. Except it's all been raw. Visions of chomping into cheese sandwiches have been resisted.

spinach and banana smoothie
2 carrots
2 apples
salad with cucumber and sweetcorn with garlic/apple cider vinegar/ salt/ agave
Loads of dates
stick celery
almonds
I have no idea what else. Handful of dried fruit.
I have been emotional today and have been feeling each part of the day has been very meaningful and separate emotionally. It's been a busy day. I think the detox is getting better.

Arrow XXX

9/2

Can't believe I'm on my ninth day already.

Events 2 hour I was a bit hungover after 3 glasses of wine last night with the guys for music night. I forgot to tell you that I am allowing myself an occasional glass of wine, I only drink for the music night. I know it's not ideal but it's early days. nordic walk. Lots of phone calls and preparation and practice for my 40th birthday celebration. Oh and lots of listening to raw food radio while making raw food. My favorite thing to do at the moment. No boys today.

Eats

spinach and banana smoothie
courgette pasta and pesto
avocado
handful of flax crackers
apple
orange
slice of essene bread
pint and a half of carrot and orange juice
3 walnut size carrot raisin and coconut macaroons

I ate so much today! Trying to shift the dullness in my head. Still so tired but each day gets better. Still detoxing, amplified by the wine last night. The last and first time I went raw I had more buzziness which I attribute to daily hour of exercise, think I may have been detoxing quicker. Am eating denser food this time because last time I feel my weight loss was too dramatic, I went from a 12 to a small 10 in 6 weeks. I'm quite tall at 5ft 6". And also I don't want to slip up like I did last time with eggs and salmon.

I wanted to let you know that on my nordic walks I listen to Paul Scheele's paraliminals. I find them incredibly motivating.

Arrow XXX

10/2

OK, definite improvement now at least, certainly not suffering. Dead weight heaviness has lifted. Feeling buzzy still. Starting to regain that clear mindedness I remember from last time. Face is starting to get silky. Bleeding gums when brushing teeth last night and cold sore again reapearing. What's all that about? three weeks today no cigs.

Events Productive day in term of planning. I had a lot of things to work out in my mind. For the first time in four years I have time! boys now being in school. I have some overwhelming priorites that have backed up. Firstly I need to sort out my benefits.Secondly I have my 40th birthday party which is a live music night for charity and I will be singing. A lot to prepare and organise which is in 6 weeks.I need to do an hour a day at least of french, to practice for my language exam which I've decide to book in for January. This exam enables me to submit my application for the recognition of my occupational therapy title, which would allow me to work in Geneva and move out from under this roof and start a new life. That is the plan that must happen in the next two years. In the meantime I desperately need to get some income coming in. Not just seasonal work which is pretty much all that's available here. I have decided to complete my life coach course (I've barely started it) with a view to setting up a web site and getting work December. And whilst this is all happening I want to declutter and commit to a raw food lifestyle. Actually that goal is already up and running. Once I've got my clients in for life coaching and the french exam is passed I will be focusing more back on personal music and artistic goals and setting myself some new challenges next summer, more specifically more performing and pavement portrait work. Then next winter I hope to move on and out having procured an occupational therapy postion. Then onto gaining a social life in Geneva and ultimately transitioning into more fulfilling work ideally teaching raw food classes and still being a singer and artist. That's the dream anyway, I know such an arrogant newbie arn't I? It might be that a local level thing will suit me I don't know. I keep giving people my flax seed crackers and they love them. Ok well that wraps up the next 5 years and beyond. Oh yes daily yoga and nordic walking too. Horrendously ambitious I know. Whenever I get the chance of work in Geneva I will jump and then my fruitier ambitions will be on hold while I get used to the position and move. Eliminating negativity by a change of environment is top notch priority. This is why raw food is so important to me. With it's power I really feel these things are attainable, also maintaining enough energy to be a good mum to my boys, which is always and forever at the heart of what sustains me.

Eats
spinach and banana smoothie Ok got to cut down, I am constipated!
4 apples
flax seed crackers - cup
nearly all a lettuce with a yummy sauce of yellow bell pepper, garlic, tomatoes, olive oil the boys helped me eat that one which I was really thrilled about, given the fact the sauce was raw.
another cup of flax seed crackers I think I'm addicited
a few carrot and coconut macaroons
I think thats all!

Arrow xxx