I wrote a letter to myself today. It looks a little like this:


Dear Kit,

Your journey to this point in life has been a bumpy one, but who's life hasn't been. You've fought Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease, Diabetes, a head injury, high cholesterol and epileptic tendencies for years.

You've watched the world go through it's high points and low points and even fall apart around you.

You've watched your family suffer some of the greatest losses a family could ever experience, but it brought all of you together. You're still 'Kicking Holes for Zak D!' every day just by waking up and breathing.

You are loved, are in love, and even have a pair of puppies following you around calling you mom and an amazing boyfriend who is working hard to help you both be healthy.

A year ago you even made it raw for five months! You lost forty pounds, were labeled as cured of diabetes, stopped having seizures, your cholesterol normalized and you were running again and laughing and listening to music as you jogged up and down the road around your apartment.

So what happened?

You gained most of the weight back and your favorite jeans are fitting all too snug. You're eating pizza and spaghetti almost every day of the week. You're boyfriend and your puppies love you but you don't have the motivation to get out and get moving anymore.

You stopped writing....

Your creativity slipped away as you consumed more trainwrecks, more coffee, more soda, and fast food.

And now you feel like a drone at work, just pushing buttons. Pushing MOAR BUTTONS faster and faster to keep up with new quotas.

And you're having migraines, you're ticking.. and even this week you seized two days in a row.

Your body is tired and you feel the symptoms of increased blood sugar and aren't treating it through pharmaceuticals because going back to the doctor would be admitting failure and you certainly don't have the energy to exercise.

Exercise? Who needs that?

Kit you do! You love your life and your family so why are you choosing to let it waste away.

You love yourself, but you're fighting that niggling depression each and every day.

You know you don't have to be fatigued and you know that just sitting in front of the computer 'WoWing' away doesn't do much for your body.

So what are you waiting for! Kit I love you and it's time for you to start simple and take the steps back toward healthy and happy.

Today, Kit, you start simple because I love you.

No more coffee. Don't cringe! I know you want to... no more coffee. AND no more soda. We'll start simple with changing over from coffee and soda to warm tea and water. That's not too bad.

Lets do this for two weeks.

Lets see what happens.

We'll do it together!

Love always,

Kit


So, my starting point. This is where it all comes back to, the needing to make a decision to fight and live for health and laughter that comes from undoing it all.

I've done it twice and just like Dan said, he can't stop me from doing anything whether it's eating what I know I should or eating the carbohollics nightmares that so many people can survive on without any additional problems with their health. . . . me not so much.

Me, I'm a variable handbag of medical problems that I want to beat so that I can consider things like.. having children... running again.. jogging.. biking... redefine my creativity and find myself writing again. It can be done. I know it can be done. I've done it before! I can do it again!

So here's to an amazing day and starting it all over from the beginning.

i like this what a great idea

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Dear Kit,

I know it's hard and that turning your back on cooked and fast food again is a hard choice to make. You and Dan love pasta, pizza and potatoes and I know that they're hard to give up. But don't forget why you gave them up in the first place. They were killing you.

You were always sick, always tired and always depressed and you're already battling that again. Why keep fighting the bad fight when it can be resolved with the good fight? Hell, why even fight at all?

Sure the caffeine headaches feel unbearable, but you're dealing with it. You didn't cut out all of the coffee and soda, but you cut out more than 2/3s of it. Did you realize how much diet coke and how many cups of coffee you were drinking a week ago? 4 cans plust a 2 liter of diet coke and so many trips to the coffee station you always felt like you were floating?

Breaking it down day by day is hard, but not unachievable and you know this.

Don't see giving in to 3 cans of soda as a failure but as an accomplishment! That's a drastic and dramatic step in the direction you want... and it only took a day.

And today, those 3 cans of soda at work, don't let those defeat you either. You're getting closer to none. You didn't even drink the coffee you made! That in itself is worth celebrating!

I know that you want to cry when you think of what you have to give up.

I know that you're still looking at all if it as losses and that you did cry this morning.

Instead of thinking about what you are loosing, think about what you have to gain!

Focus on the future! You and Barbie are planning to go to Lifetime Fitness on her 7 day guest pass. You're planning on joining so that you can work out with her once your lease is up. You're planning yoga and ... even considering training for a triathalon.. that takes a year and you're getting ready to commit to it.

Think about last night, you didn't play WOW. You don't have to stop, but you don't need to play it all of your waking ours and you've made the choice not to. I'm proud of you!

You're determined to regain your creativity not only are you listening to music that inspires you but you're planning, character sketching and writing about them and their lives to get into their heads. More positive steps forward!

Keep stepping forward and while you're at it, can that third can of soda, dump out your coffee and get yourself another glass of water.

With much love and hope,

~ Me

It's been a rough couple months. I keep looking back at where I've been over the past decade as approach that looming birthday... you know.. the one where you celebrate the first anniversary of your 29th year?

Despite the setbacks, I have to focus on how far I've come and not on the negatives.

The negatives:

* My comphy size 10's (13 missies) are growing snugger.
* My skin is back to being a horrible mess.
* I'm loosing my sex drive
* I'm feeling down and discouraged with my life overall.
* My brain feels foggy and muddled.
* I eat constantly throughout the day, and not necessarily the things I should be
* Overall, I'm just depressed.


And fight and fight and fight and fight some more to remember how far I've come:

* I beat Diabetes once, I can do it again.
* I've only had two seizures in six months down from nearly three times weekly.
* I graduated high school pushing size18/20 pants and 24 for tops (though I squeezed into things much smaller).
* I'm working in the video game industry, where I wanted to end up after deciding being a doctor was not for me.
* I'm educated and know how to defeat my health problems and just need to do it!
* I love and am loved.


And here I am, transitioning back.

I skipped the coffee first thing this morning... even though I feel like I'm dragging (pardon the word choice here) ass today. I feel fatigued and just overall blah and despite self realization and working to motivate myself to keep transitioning back... (cold turkey does more horrible things to my body than a general detox and throws me into a period of days where food doesn't stay down or in) and keep finding motivation.

I started simple today. WATER.

I replaced my normal morning of poptarts and special kay cereal bars with two bananas and a bowl of watermelon. (7/11 FTW! Even if it's not 100% organic, it's a step in the right direction.) And I noticed that they're bringing in LARA BARS! (A major win for me! There's a tag on the shelf for them so they should be in soon!)

It may sound silly but this replacement was a big step for me. Despite knowing what I had to do, I was resisting.

I take a deep breath as I sip on my water and munch down a banana and remind myself that this is progress and that I can keep moving forward.

And then my inspiration walks in the door.

He sits across from me at work and was for awhile one of my closest friends. At 6'7 I don't want to guess how much he weighs, but I know there's at least 3 of me in there.

The scary thing is that when it comes down to it, when I look at him, I see what would have been myself if I hadn't taken control in the past and beat down the weight and health issues more than once.

I also remember that I could still go down that road.

That terrifies me.

It breaks my heart too. He battled the demons of food addiction and made it so far but just gave up....

I don't want to give up.

Those kinds of thoughts give me chills.. not the good kind.

I want to be a writer. I want to permanently kick diabetes. I want to live a healthy green lifestyle and enjoy the abundant life. I want to heal my body, my mind and my spirit and even have children of my own.

I want to be happy... not just superficially happy but independently happy.

And I know I can do it.

And in knowing how to do it and how to be happy and reach those goals and knowing I slipped so far back is a slippery slope because I tend to focus on the set backs and that in and of itself.. is ridiculously depressing....and so exhausting.

So I'm going to drink my water, eat my fruit, take my puppies (yes plural.. puppies... 2 Cairne Terriers at home) for a walk when I get home and focus on the baby steps moving forward.

I know I can do this!


PS - Jodi! I love your signature pic! And I took a page from your book today. Bananas.. NOM!

Kit, to conquer coffee:

1/ You have to believe that coffee isn't good for you(in any quantity).

2/You have to eat lots of sweet, juicy fruits to counteract the need for sugar from the coffee.

3/ You have to get plenty of sleep so that you have enough energy to last your day and you don't have to resort to coffee for a pick-me-up.

4/ You have to give yourself time to get over this habit. Don't let a few slip-ups bother you too much. It's the general direction of your lifestyle that counts.

Good luck! You can do it!

It's been a good "Monday" so far. We skipped our normal stop so I was without my salad or bananas today. This made me really sad, but I'm going pretty good. I had one cup of decaffeinated coffee so I got my coffee taste without caffeine.. not a good taste. Tomorrow is no coffee at all. Kinda twitchy over that no caffeine but the headache is still not there. /cheer

I'm so excited and thankful. There has been a lot of news that is great coming my way... Somelikeitraw's pictures of her transformation after going raw made me cry happy tears. I remember days feeling and looking like I had given up on myself before my first battle with my weight and going raw the first time around.

And my best girlfriend finally got her citizenship. She moved locally to work for the company I work for and it took a lot of time, but she's finally able to become a citizen and even apply for a passport and do things that a lot of us take for granted.. like get married and buy her own home.

I'm so excited for my best girl and for Somelikeitraw that I can tell you it's helping me to continue toward my completely raw transition.

Things have been going great at home too. My dear boyfriend turned to me and said two things in the last 24 hours that surprised me. The first was the best! If I want to train for a triathlon or adventure running he wants to do it with me. I guess this means cutting out a lot of extra crap from our budget in order to arrange a trainer. This made me so excited I can't begin to tell you!

Unfortunately, the second was not so good... we were on the way to work having not made our normal stops.

Shrinking clothes for my DB had been a pet peeve of mine. Our clothes, shirts and such are laundered by hand by myself in luke warmish water before going through just a rinse cycle in the washer.. saves us about 6$ on our power bill each month and a lot on water because it's a single bathtub full to scrub em down good. Heavier garments such as jeans, sweatshirts and jackets are a different story. They get laundered cold and tumble dried so that there isn't consumption of gas for the heating. So his clothes are not shrinking.. he's growing...rounder. =/

I digress and return to telling of this mornings events. We didn't make our normal stops (no fruit or salad for me for breakfast.. so I skipped and just drank my decaf and lots of water) and when I was nodding off he said "Oh Great! Now my coat is shrinking too!"

He was upset and turned to me and said "I thought I told you no hot water or hot dryer!"

I laughed and didn't reply.

The coat is brand new-ish, a gift from his mother for Christmas that is dry clean only and has not been through our washing regimen yet.

How to delicately explain to him he's gaining weight? Well, I decided not to. He'll be eating closer to my planned meals as he won't cook for himself.. (/sigh) and will only eat what I cook or prepare for him and if he exercises with me as well, the point will be moot.

It just struck me odd and struck me funny. I've been giggling about it on and off all morning.

I also remind myself that my jeans aren't as comphy as they used to be and we don't need a pot calling the kettle black.

Anyway!

Today's transitioning lunch consisted of a whole wheat veggie wrap. Lettuce, tomatoes, onions and cucumbers on a 12 inch whole wheat tortilla that didn't quite so much roll up. It was more a salad contained in a messy shell.

I didn't eat the whole tortilla.

Getting closer and closer to that 100%.

Raw Seeker: You're right about not letting slip ups bother me. I honestly do believe it isn't good for me! So I've been doing some interesting things for the mornings:

Fresh fruit .. chopped in a pitcher of water to take to work the next day. I've done oranges and cherries so far. =)

I'm not sure if the addiction is the caffeine or the taste of coffee?

Either way.. no caffeine now and hoping to keep the coffee out of the diet all together!

Hope everyone is having an amazing day!

I can't believe it's been almost a month! .. and what a month it has been. While detoxing I got sick... very very sick. H1N1 is horrible and not to be triffled with.. especially if it's going around where you work... it was of course followed up by secondary infections that I've finally got a handle on.

The most amazing news is that I managed to kick the caffeine habbit. Something about sleeping around the clock for nearly three weeks that helps you to do that!

I still haven't graduated to solid or mushy foods yet. For now it's juices and water ... all because my body just couldn't handle it. Amazingly I only lost 13 pounds. Not the way I wanted to get started.. but it was a kick start none the less.

Today was my first day back to work. I'd like to cheer for that one. I think I would of gone crazy if I was still on ordered bed rest.

I hope everyone is having a blessed time and that they're avoiding everything this cold/flu season.

Lots of love to you all.

You got this......
you are through the hardest part. i call it the dark phase. each month gets easier. and freer. May the power of our ancestors be with you on your journey, as we live to honor their infinite path into the past.

The Raw Lion 440 pounds to 225 pounds!

Yes, I understand. When I get off of good food and feel terrible again, I go through a list of, no this, no that, etc. and do it one at a time and within about 3 weeks I am back on track. I support you and all those (me too) who need to remember that we can do it for our best well being. Faeterri