Hello all!

I read this board all the time, but I've never had an account. I made one today because I would like other people's views on what I'm going through. So here is what I'm going through...

I'm in my mid thirties. I've always been big. I've always fought being big. Sometimes I win, sometimes i lose.

I have weighed 250 at two separate times in my life.
I have weighted 150 maybe four times in my life.
My usual weight is between 160 and 180. This has been true since high school.

I'm going all-raw. It has been a slooow process for me, taking years of practice to get to the point where I am actually more comfortable and more practiced at being raw than Sad.

3 weeks ago, I went all-raw (again).
2 weeks ago, I cut my fat intake in half (I heart nuts)
1 week ago, I started 80-10-10 and walking (I can go 10 miles now)

Of course, I feel great, and I've lost a bunch of weight and my skin is softer and my aches and pains are melting away, etc etc.

And of course, my energy comes and goes and comes and goes, and my moods are wobbly, and sometimes my breath smells sweet and sometimes it smells like metal,etc etc, and those are all things I'm used to and I was expecting.

Here's my issue...
I've lost to 160. That's usually the lowest I can get on any other eating scheme I've ever tried.
I actually felt the moment when I stopped shedding weight and started RELEASING weight.

You can get attached to your weight. I sort of miss my big big tummy. And in my head I keep hearing this energy saying, "Just let it go... just let it go..."

So I allow the weight to disappear, and as it drops down to levels I rarely see, these memories keep coming up. Weirdly vivid memories of the other times I weighed this low... memories of how I came to choose to eat crap all the time... and craziest of all, memories of when I was little, listening to my parents fight in other rooms and how ugly our home situation became when i was a kid. I've been shown angles of my life I didn't know existed, and how my past led me to be unhealthy and overweight. It's been surprising to feel these things come up.

And so now I am beginning to get what people mean when they say that detox can be a very emotional process.

What has been going on lately is that I get to this certain weight that's the lowest weight I know, and just as I start to feel great and am releasing this weight and the emotions that caused the weight... I get these urges to eat Sad that just grip me. It has nothing to do with being hungry. It has everything to do with feelings of comfort.

But what is troublesome about that is that I eat the Sad food, and then try to go on about my day, or go to sleep, and I can't because that wicked "food" is sitting there in my stomach. And my stomach just acts like it won't touch that food. I mean I can feel the yucky food just sitting there, doing nothing.

At this point I think to myself that I need to relax and learn, and that my body will take a few times to understand that there is no more comfort left for me in Sad food. And I should just prepare for the puffiness and acheyness that will now commence from my poor food choice. And I'm okay with that.

But the food just sits there and sits there, and it drives me crazy and I go to the toilet and bend over, and think about what I ate, and lo and behold, I throw it up.

This has happened three times in the past two days, and it's because I'm at this weight where now I have to begin to *release* pounds, not just lose them.

I've never thrown up food before unless I had the flu. This is definitely not the flu.

So I'm in this very emotional spot. A part of me is strongly attached to Sad food, and puts up this amazingly strong struggle to keep the familiar weight ON, where it's comfortable. I feel like steel chains couldnt keep me away from the fridge.

An equally strong part of me is too healthy to allow that to go on anymore.

And here I am in the middle throwing up, and hovering at this *certain* weight.

Does anyone have any feedback for me on what I'm going through? I'd love some.

Thank you so much for reading,
Coconana

Hi coconana,
wow, that's an amazing experience you're having. Good on you for taking the initiative and getting healthy.
it sounds like you are doing a lot of emotional healing which is amazing. I think that it is so cool how your body just rejects the SAD food, wow, I wish mine would do that, lol. sorry I don't have much advice or anything, jus t that I think you are on the right track and to be gentle with yourself. it takes time to relearn emotional and thought patterns.
that said, be careful, if you start to feel unwell or throw up regularly even healthy food, there might be something wrong and it would be wise to get it checked.
best of luck

Cocoana,

The fact that you are aware of what you're feeling and registering and analyzing it is a big help to you. You aren't avoiding your feelings--you are just not riding them out using raw. So I think the next step for you will be to recognize that the craving for SAD food is psychological rather than biological, and counterproductive to your end goal, and this will help you to not succumb. You're not at that stage yet, but are starting to be mindful of it--good. You are doing really well so far, really really well. Just consider this: once you have dealt with those horrible burdensome memories and emotions with a clarified mind and resolute heart, without numbing your responses with conventional foods, you need never go through that again. From that point on, things will be easier because you will have conquered lifelong doubts and regrets all on your own. That is a truly inestimable and empowering gift. You can do this

It's great that you've accomplished so much, including the walking!

I would just add that in my experience, a fat level of around 15% to 20% seems just right (for ME).

Whenever I cut way down on some raw food group: too few fruits, too few vegetables, too few nuts/seeds....I end up overeating. Of course I may be wrong, but I feel this is a pattern that is fairly common among rawfooders.

I'm talking from considerable experience, including a former eating disorder and 25 years successfully raw this month.

You've gotten your weight WAY down already, so maybe you didn't need to cut so MUCH fat.

If the reason you cut your fat is because you felt like you'd stopped losing weight, then maybe cut your fat, but just not so MUCH. Or maybe keep your fat at around 20% and try to eat less of everything. 20% fat is not excessive.

It's possible that one reason you start getting these killer cravings is not only because of emotional stuff - which we all have - but also because when you cut the nuts by so much, you also cut your MINERAL intake by the same amount. Naturally, if your body is lacking minerals, your cravings will go into overdrive.

You do need appropriate vitamin/mineral levels. One way I help keep mine high is I make this to drink: 1/8 cup chia (soaked for about an hour) in about 1.5 cups water and then blended with 1/16 cup WHOLE (brown) sesame seeds and 1/16 cup sunflower seeds. I do this TWICE a day. It's a big boost in calcium, zinc, and iron. Plus, it provides a great omega 6/omega 3 ratio. Along with a couple of brazil nuts, this is around 15% fat for the day. (If I sometimes add half an avocado, it's OK.)

Also, for calcium, you might experiment with some homemade fermented veggies. They shrink way down, so it's easy to get in 1/2 head of cabbage plus lots of kale in a day. I add Ultimate Flora (senior formula) for the active culture. Different cultures add different flavors (some not so great), but I really like this one.

I've found that eating celery everyday prevents water retention, which is helpful since I eat lots of fruit.

Anyway, see you at 150! (Best wishes)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/28/2011 09:01PM by suncloud.

Hey Cocoana

I'm humbled by your comittment and openness in disclosing to all your inermost feelings. What you're experiencing is all the reasons why you have carried your weight all your life. You said, 'memories of how I came to choose to eat crap all the time'. You are sort of reliving those feelings again, but this time you don't need that type of comfort. You're growing past that, and it's only the growing pains that your feeling. That, and maybe a little fear of what the future holds for you in your new body, and well as the memories of comfort you gained from food. That being said, I understand what you mean by 'releasing' weight, rather than 'shedding'. Let it all go, release it at your own pace, for however long that is, but keep moving forward.

Cheers, geo

Hi, Cocoana,

Welcome!

It is smart of you to write in and ask questions. And I'm happy for the success you've already had.

However, what you wrote about throwing up is a red flag to me. It is important to realize that what you are describing is a choice - a bad choice. Although throwing up food you wish you hadn't eaten seems like a "logical" thing to do, it isn't. It is a seductive trap that you DO NOT want to get into. You'll only end up doing it more and more often if you see it as a solution. It is far better to suffer the uncomfortable emotional consequences and weight gain of that bad food choice BUT TO ALSO decide what other raw food choice you can make next time. By throwing up you are risking harming your body. It can become bulimia which is an eating disorder with many serious potential health consequences.

You won't need steel chains to keep you away from the fridge if it has beautiful raw food in it. Stock only the fresh stuff! The fridge need not be a forbidden zone.

Maybe you've jumped in too far with 80-10-10. Perhaps you could take it a bit slower with reducing fat and protein intake to keep your SAD cravings in check. Give yourself a break. You've made some major changes and are to be congratulated.

Best wishes!!


My favorite raw vegan

You are all amazing people, thank you so much for your help and advice, it really means a lot to me.

I upped my seed&nut intake yesterday, and it seems to be helping. Ate a YTC and some pecans... put a little coconut butter in one of my smoothies.
I can't really tell if its helping yet. I'm still stuck. Sort of...

I can feel this stuff starting to come up, come out, get unstuck.

This is way harder than I thought it was going to be. And that makes me realize that kicking 30 year old thought patterns was of course not going to be a simple thing, an easy thing.

Nic, Tamukha, Geo, thank you for the encouragement. T, you said something that stuck, 'youre not riding it out using the raw'. This really is helping me get through the rough spots. I see just what you are saying and I can get behind that.

G & T o gosh I got all verklempt reading, very touching words that I am grateful for.

Suncloud: of course! *minerals* And thank you for bringing it back to a real place from an abstract one. As above so below, and if I can change my food, I can change my mind. I can always use that to my advantage, and sometimes I suppose I forget, what with all the RULES, heehee.
I asked my body, and you may very well be right about it. I'm adding more nuts to see if that's the magic solution to this strange dilemma.

Trive: I would have to be pretty talented to actually be able to *think* the food out of my stomach.
But I am pretty talented. And just this morning a voice in my head replayed the sound of a woman I saw on an Oprah show saying very adamantly, "Youre never too old to start an eating disorder, take it from me."

Your thoughts on the matter are precisely what is causing my concern, concern enough to make an account.

Think about it. I struggle with a strong craving. I give in. My body rejects the food.

This is a real nexus of choice happening and I'm well aware of that, and that's why I come for advice. I'm glad I have a place I can discuss this with people who understand similar experiences.

As far as having the Sad food out of the house, that would be a great idea if it was my house. However, I have to kick Sad while being surrounded by Sad, and that's just logistically how its got to be. But I really do have years of practice doing this around junk food, and that's not the issue, its my *choices* that are at issue.

So far I think what I'm going to try is hanging on to my nuts for dear life

Update:

Well I went off of 80-10-10 and went back to nuts and seeds. Thanks to a lot of the good advice on this board, I got some sea vegetables into my diet as well.

And I feel good again!

I havent lost a single pound. Still at the same weight. But I look better, and I feel like a million bucks. My mood is more stable, and my stomach isnt wobbly anymore.

I thought to myself today that it doesnt matter how much I lose or how fast I lose it, its whether or not it was a well-lost pound or a poorly-lost pound. I dont care if I only lose a pound a month, as long as it came off because I'm getting better and it isnt coming back ever again.

I dont ever want to be caught in that trap again where I lose 30 pounds and think I'm so great, and then I can't keep it up and gain it all back and feel like it was all for nothing.

My mood shouldnt be dependent on how much i weigh, but how healthy I am at that weight.

This all probably sounds like a big huge duh, but its something to me because ^>I<^ realized it emotionally for myself. I care so much less about what exactly I weigh now than I did a month ago, and it's really liberating to not judge my worth on some number on the scale.

If this is what detox is like, I want more!

Whats odd is that even though I havent lost weight, I look like I have because I'm getting healthier. It is so worth it to lose slow, I am learning, and just be mindful all the time of what my body is saying it wants and needs...

Thanks you guys, I really mean it, to all of you. I would NOT be able to do this without support.