I feel like I'm at a cross road in my life where I can either follow in the footsteps of the women in my family, which will inevitably lead to obesity, thyroid dysfunction, arthritis, high blood pressure and cholesterol, breast cancer, and a myriad of mental health issues...or I can do something drastic with my life and maybe get back to the feelings of vitality and joy for life that I felt as a child. Obviously I want the latter path but boy am I a pro at self sabotage. I'm sure that has to do with the fact that I am horribly depressed. I've ambitiously jumped into many things such as meditation and yoga, hoping to pull myself out of this chronic mind funk, but after the initial euphoria of a new experience wears off I usually settle into a mix of frustration, stress, and impatience with the results. That in turn leads to a crippling sense of failure, loss of ambition, lack of motivation and general fatigue.

This is the viscous cycle I do not wish to keep repeating in my life. I want to transform my diet over to a raw lifestyle because I believe that its health benefits will help counteract the insidious symptoms of depression that would otherwise discourage me from continuing this challenge. And so far it has been quite a challenge for me. While reading the book Eating in the Raw by Carol Alt I got really excited about preparing my first raw meal. Then I finished the book and looked in my fridge and my pantry and frankly wanted to cry. I had some wilting green and red peppers, a three week old bag of carrots, frozen corn, sad looking lettuce, molding onions, and very wrinkly sweet potatoes. The only appetizing raw food I possessed were clementines. This was Monday, the 20th, almost the end of a very hard financial month and with my $5 an hour salary delivering pizzas I just could not afford more food. So I ate a clementine and set off to do some cleaning at my mom's house, hoping I might also find some more appetizing raw produce. Well she had fresh fruit so I had an apple and a pear. She also had this wonderful carrot cake that she had made me for a belated valentines, with her famous orange cream cheese frosting. Ughh, and I just couldn't help myself, I have the sweet tooth of a vampire and I practically sucked down two pieces. I also caved in and ate five pieces of her homemade orange chicken and some coffee icecream. Not all at once mind you but in between dusting, and vacuuming and mopping. I felt so disappointed with myself when I got home but I reminded myself not to take it so hard and made another attempt at eating raw. I threw together the peppers, corn and carrots with cold pressed olive oil, braggs liquid aminos, and spice and topped it on that scraggly salad. Didn't taste too bad but not filling. I ended up eating a serving of my boyfriend's cheesy baked polenta and more icecream. I think having my period is making it harder to resist my cravings as well. Today, Tuesday was not much better. I had two clementines for breakfast and bought a chia kamboucha, seaweed salad and an avacado to bring with me to work. Fifteen minutes before I'm set to leave an insatiable craving for chocolate hit me and I thought what the heck, its the last of my icecream. Great way to start my shift...not! Well I kept myself going with the kamboucha which normally I love, I always buy the gingerade. However, this was my first time trying the chia and it was like swallowing frog eggs, but I finished it. On to the seaweed salad which I'd rehydrated and topped with avocado, sesame oil, braggs, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper. I really thought it was going to taste great, I love dried seaweed. I got through about six or seven forced chews and swallows before I nearly gagged and vomited on the floor. Perhaps it was too oily or maybe I should have left it dehydrated, but it really was terrible. Needless to say I ended up eating pizza for lunch. For dinner I just felt too defeated and let my boyfriend cook up some curry rice and baked pasta with salsa and mozzerella. Maybe tomorrow I can figure out what to do with the sweet potatoes and onions, but after that its pasta and rice for a while unfortunately.

This is definitely going to be a challenge for me. With little money for expensive health food and no fancy blender or dehydrator my raw cuisine will be limited and most likely bland. I'm definitely feeling the usual sense of failure and demotivation creep on but my health concerns far outweigh the lure of despair. Its not that I'm terribly unhealthy, but after having two kids I can feel and see my body going in a bad direction. At 26 years old I shouldn't be suffering from chronic inflamed sinuses, sleep apnea, extreme daytime fatigue, sallow pale skin and shrunken dark eyes, chest pains, constant headaches and severe backaches. I know somethings not right and that if I don't change the way I live and eat, that I will find myself possibly worse for wear than any of the women in my family. I certainly don't want to find myself with cancer. I finally phased out ciggaretts completely last month, I had cheated and bummed a couple during work, yuck. Its just not worth it. I want to be there for my children and grow old with my boyfriend, and I want to live life with passion and positivity. I want to feel alive and fully aware in the moment. I want my life back, you know, the one we all had as kids, and so many of us have lost as adults. Well my hope is that this blog will be my confessional, my anonymous group, my support and my affirmation that I won't give up this time.

Last night I began germinating a bag of red lentils, now they are drained and covered in the table ready for sprouting hopefully. I tried some this morning and found myself craving them, so I ate a small cup full. , maybe because they are so starchy tasting. They reminded me of the fresh peas I used to eat out of my mom's garden, yum. I'm pulling an 11am to 8 or 9pm shift at Dominos for the rest of the week so this is going to be tough. Maybe I can splurge some of my tips on fresh fruit and greens, that is if people are kind enough to tip more than fifty cents. Hardly any of our customers realize that the "delivery charge" is NOT a tip, it goes to the Franchise owner. We get the left over change and $5 an hour. Someday I won't cry over my useless Bachelors degree and my mountain of debt. Sorry had to vent. Anyway, germinated lentils just might get me through today at least.

Those lentils were really yummy until about 3pm, then I started craving pizza, or something heavy and filling. I didn't cave in though, I just kept on eating spoonfuls of lentils in between pizza deliveries. At 4 I left to pick up my boyfriend and kids so I could go back to work the rush shift. I knew I wasn't going to make it without eating something else. I was very irritable at that point, feeling weak, tired and achy. My head was killing me. I ate a handful of almonds even though they were smoked and my boyfriend gave me a couple boxes of nerds, sugar woke me up enough to last another hour. I know that my food intake today was extremely unhealthy and malnourishing but I'm working with what I've got and it's certainly not the worst things I could have eaten. I ate a cooked dinner of leftover pasta and that pretty much did me in. Now I'm fully zombified and calling it a night. I have this wonderful shopping list written out for when I can afford to go shopping, that is keeping my spirits up. My shopping list includes fresh veggies and fruit, a variety of nuts, raw cheese if its available, grav lax salmon, cold pressed oils, agave nectar, and hopefully some Ezekial bread. I don't know what my local grocery store has to offer so I might make a trip to the Whole Foods store a few towns over. If any one has suggestions for my shopping list I would love to hear them! I'm also hoping to find a tag sale blender somewhere. On a funny side note, I came home to find that my cat had ripped the stalking off my sprouting lentils and chowed down. I guess she's going to be my raw buddy. I don't blame her, cat food looks disgusting.

Yesterday I felt really great. I had a lot of energy, my mood was really positive and I felt very focused. I had a regular breakfast of Irish Oatmeal and grape nuts, but for lunch I splurged $4 on a bag of clementines, well worth it. I ate five throughout my delivery shift from 11-7. It wasn't a completely raw day, I had a cupful of smoked almonds, and a slice of pizza. For dinner we got creative and mixed leftover curry rice with the lentils and taco sauce, topped with fresh red leaf lettuce, tomato, and cheese in a taco shell. Unfortunately my boyfriend heated up the lentils with the rice, so that was a bummer. My poor sprouted lentils! Oh well, I'd say it was a 25% raw day. I did wake up feeling like I was getting another sinus infection or sore throat this morning. I'm glad I bought those clementines! I'm also wondering if rice can be soaked and eaten raw?

Today was good, a lot of energy. Ate 5 more tangerines during work and some almonds. Still not 100% raw but I'm really looking forward to trying some of the recipes in Carol Alt's book. The pumpkin pie with macadamia nut whipped cream sounds sooo good! I can't wait to find a blender!

it sounds like you need green smoothies in your busy life. it is super amazing nutrition, and it is very portable and the more you drink the healthier you get! if you can't get a vita mix then get a 20 dollar cheapy! and keep the receipt so if you burn it out quick you can return and get another new one! good luck, its so easy once you commit to 100% raw. I did it and lost 225 pounds !
I lost 110 pounds in like 6 months! the detox was SERIOUS! The force is with you,(if you ingest the lifeforce that is)

The Raw Lion 440 pounds to 225 pounds!