I've had the idea brewing to start this for a couple of days now.

I've been maintaining a fully raw diet for 17 days now. It's been very easy, especially with the freedom to eat my heart's desire in fruit. I do miss the overts, admittedly, but my longing for them is nowhere near the intensity of my cravings on my previous low-carb diet.

True, I had the freedom to experiment with gourmet-type dishes, and while I really did I enjoy them it is so much harder to live without fruit. Even when I was able to add a small amount in the morning - a measly cup of berries or one tart piece of fruit - it was just a tease to me. I was absolutely miserable.

I have been very emotional this last week, especially when it comes to what's on my plate (or isn't). I have emotional longings for food, but no real cravings, really. I have a history of disordered eating, so even when I like the majority of what I'm eating, it's still scary when most of it doesn't resemble one's idea of a "real meal".

The one true craving that I had happened just two days ago, when I was having a strong desire for salmon sashimi. It was so strong that I was actually considering eating some, which says alot as I originally went vegan for ethical reasons.

Admittedly, though, it's the systematic abuse and slaughter of animals that troubles me, and the denying of animals to follow their natural instincts. And while it pains me to even think about contributing to the suffering - physical or emotional - of any creature, for some reason my passions are lesser for a fish. They are typically impersonal, and simple-minded. At least the one's I've encountered - obviously there are predators in the marine world. But most of the fish I look at come across to me as innocents -- why would I want to disrupt their simple little world?

But I am getting ahead of myself here, as this all goes back to my emotions.

I started to wonder why I was craving fish - a lack of variety with my food, or a FEAR of feeling deprived? Because - when it comes to my candida - I may be able to "get away with it" when I can't tolerate many other of my favorite foods? Or is this a symptom of detox and I'm just re-experiencing an old lust?

I haven't eaten the stuff in two years now, and was a vegan throughout high school. When I lost my spirituality after, I saw no point in showing mercy unto others when I felt no one (God) cared for me. I still don't believe in any higher power, or purpose, but have since come to realize that I don't need such a motivation to be kind.

Yet I've been feeling weak, and childish, and very emotionally-driven lately. I wondered that if I gave in , would it made me a "bad vegan"? if I wasn't so compassionate, after all? Would it make me a weak person?

But I also wondered, is there something I could learn from it? Perhaps closure on this craving? Or would I decided that this is something I would like to do, until I can deal with my emotions? Or would it simply be a mistake that I would not make again?

I have been feeling isolated lately, and unloved. I have been estranged from my father for some time now, someone I have always felt rejection from. I am also separated from my partner, due to circumstance, and don't know when I'll be able to see him again. It has been nine months now. And the worst part is that I don't really have any other friends. I also have a history of anorexia, so my current mandatory dietary restrictions - as well as a necessary focus on food - tend to screw with me.

So, again I wonder, does it make me a bad person to be wanting some comfort now? The desire has, for the most part, passed. But it's making me wonder if this is something worth exploring when it comes again. I don't know. In my heart, I am a "vegan". The definition, or motivation behind it, is fitting though I really hate labels. But I'm also human.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/04/2015 07:58PM by Manta91.

Quote
Manta91
I still don't believe in any higher power, or purpose, but have since come to realize that I don't need such a motivation to be kind.

That is an incredibly wise statement. I don't know if it will help, but if you take that and keep it in mind and consider that you owe it to yourself as your won higher power to not be cruel, you can stop worrying about whether you're a "good vegan" or not. Vegan is just a label after all. You're just doing what's best for yourself and the planet.

Thanks for your input, BlankPage. I've been trying to be more open-minded and have decided to put my ideals aside for the while. I am actually eating some oysters or sashimi about twice a week now, as it has really helped to stabilize my moods - the paranoia, especially - and am considering trying some raw goat's milk kefir to see if it may help speed up the healing the process. There are some other things I'd like to try first, but if they don't work I am open to using it medicinally.

I have to remind myself that when I can, I will do better. I have no doubt I'll be able to let go of these things once I'm able to tolerate a wider variety of plant foods.

On a separate note, I am preparing for a water fast - my first, and I'm admittedly a little nervous about it! I can handle physical discomforts pretty well, but the emotional is another story. One of the things I'm doing, after nearly ten months of one restricted diet or another, is giving myself a week to eat whatever I like as long as it is raw and not blatantly bad for me (grains, beans, etc). If I'm not feeling so deprived, I know it will help me to get through any cravings and make it easier to transition to a mono-diet afterwards. I was tempted to refine it to no cacao, no oils, no dehydrated food, but where's the fun in that? I don't want to stress myself out and feel obliged to make anything complicated either, but the whole point is taking a vacation away from restrictions. If I'm tired and want a salad, I can have a salad... but if I'm feeling nostalgic and decide to whip up a raw pizza, well, that's okay too.

Extended vacation - I'm going to give a general raw diet a go, avoiding what doesn't work and trying to find a balance with what does. I ideally want to keep things simple, but want to keep things fun, so maybe a gourmet recipe once a week or every other week. Generally, though, I want to practice good food combining.

Am still reading about fasting and mono-dieting, left a message with my ND. When I'm ready, I will give it a go. The only update on that venture is that when I try a mono-diet, I think I am going to go with oranges over bananas. I absolutely LOVE bananas, but oranges have been more attractive to me lately.

Hello I'm needing some help figuring out how to start my own journal... Any help would be appreciated.