Ok im jumping into the diary pool WARNING this is long and some parts aint pretty lol

Throwing down the gauntlet

Ok I thought wow all these folks are putting themselves right out there and here I am being all secretive lol so heres a bit about me.

I was born up in Prince George, B.C. , Canada , November 10, 1968 . I’m 38 years old and I’m a Scorpio. Everyone who hears that says oooo scorpion lol. My mom and Dad had a very ugly relationship, he was a beater alcoholic and she was a alcoholic too although she quit when we were quite young I think I was grade 2 .. the last time I remember her drinking was I crushed my hand in the top of a swing set and I couldn’t wake her up and I went to a neighbor for help. I’m guessing the child welfare gave her an ultimatum. When I was 8 y.o. My dad died drinking and driving with his lover (she lived) drove himself over a cliff and that was that. He had kidnapped my twin brother and me several times up to that point and we were supposed to have been on that trip but my mom feared that he would try again to take us so she said no.. I think it was divine intervention , or a gut feeling, whatever it was …imp still here lol.

A couple of years later my mom remarried for the 3rd time (she was married to someone before my dad) and this was my first stepfather. He used to make me fetch his drinks for him everyday after school and as the evening got later he’d get drunker and verbally abusive towards my brother and me. All I wanted to do was make him happy as he was the male figure in my life but nothing seemed to please him I was completely imperfect in his eyes and no matter what I did nothing was good enough.

Our diet was made up food that was cooked to death , well done meat, vegetables to mush, lots of oils , fats etc. My tweens is when I started to develop my Eating Disorders and BDD (Body Dismorphic Disorder) , I would squirrel away food in my room to eat when nobody was looking. In my drawers in my bed, under my bed, hidden in the backs of cupboards in the bathroom, I could never eat much in front of anyone because of the BDD. But boy did I ever binge once alone Id eat so fast I don’t think I even chewed … in case I got caught ! I figured I looked weird eating because I was a weird looking person. I was ugly, my feet were too big (I have size 5 feet lol), my nose was too big, my ears stuck out, my hair was spastic (I chopped it myself so many times those years) , my boobs were too small , I had no butt, my legs were too long, my torso was too long, I had no waist , no neck , lol I did everything I could possibly do to change my appearance, I wore so much makeup like 10 different colors on my face (think Mimi from the drew Carey show lol), layers upon layer of baggy clothing (didn’t weigh over a 100lbs in my life till I hit 30) fortunately this was the time of Blondie and Pat Benatar, Boy George and Wham so looking like a freak was pretty acceptable lol.

A few of the things that stand out in my memory was some friends of my mom and dads came over one night for dinner and I had just died my hair jet black and the male guest said I had hair like a hooker and his wife laughed and said well with a figure like mine (completely flat and boyish) nobody could mistake me for a hooker. It was great fun for them that evening I guess too tear down a kid. That pretty much was the turning point that turned me down suicide avenue. I spent the next 4-5 years (till end of high school) wondering why god hated me, why everyone thought I was hideous (after all I was Quasimodo in my eyes lol). About this time 14y.o. my brother developed cystic acne and well his story is a whole nother chapter heh.

I became a cutter (street talk for wrist slasher), Id burn my self with cigarettes, oh yea 14 years old cant forget the smoke habit lol, Binge eating still but now throwing Bulimia into the mix, Binge eat because I was so scrawny … then look in the mirrior and see fat in all the wrong places so puke puke puke to get all that nasty food outta me. Well my mom somehow got me hooked up with this youth group that did peer counseling .. but mostly it was just someplace to hang out and talk with other kids about our problems … (this is pre-computer chat rooms hahah). I feel very fortunate that happened to me because one day this counselor Mike sat me down after a particularly bad week of me cutting classes , smoking dope, doing acid and drowning my sorrows in shoplifted southern comfort.

He asked me Jodi why don’t you feel you deserve to be happy and healthy, why do you do these things to yourself? I said I don’t know . He said well what do you mean? Its your thoughts? *insert gloomy looking shrug here* ..your head ? I said im not sure ? He said but its YOUR Head ? whats going on in there ? (I swear he took his psychology course at Bill Cosby University lol). He took me to the front room and sat me down with a pen and paper and said write down 100 things you want to do , see, experience in your life.

I couldn’t even come up with 10 lol. He said that’s ok ..carry that around with you and add to it when something comes to mind. Well ive been carrying that list around for 25ish years now .. its been rewritten lost found rewritten again lol

About this time 14 my brother developed cystic acne and I became obsessed with my own skin for fear the same was gonna happen to me (twins often succumb to the same things) .. I stopped wearing all makeup and pretty much from that time on I only wore on special occaisions , I think this resulted in saving my skin so to speak. I was still ugly but pat benatar and boy george were becoming yawnsville anyways and life went on until I was 15 and my stepfather and I started getting into real heated headbutting. For some reason my mom just up and decided that I would probably be better off living on my own as the tension at home was unbearable and destructive (I thank god she had the sight at least to get me out of there, I honestly think that maybe he would have start to turn sexually abusive on me as he did have some creepy tendancies about him) She found me a place at the locally YWCA for 300 a month, arranged to have it pay for out of my trust fund from my real fathers death. This was cheaper then sending me to boarding school which I was begging to go to , to get away from my stepfather.

So this started me on my journey on my own, I was 15 years old , half a year of highschool left in a new city by myself. So I did what any nonselfrespecting kid would do …lol I partyed my butt off. Id hang out with streetkids in Vancouver, being one of the crowd, I was still drinking and smoking dope but had quit doing LSD. I tried cocaine, Heroine, Speed and Crack but fortunately I didn’t have one of those addicting personalities and nothing really interested me. I also was incredibly cheap and thought drugs (besides pot) were a waste of money and I had better things to spend my money on like clothes!! I ended up getting a job at A&W being the mascot (I was the A&W rootbear) and I went around to gigs doing promo. This was one of my most favorite jobs ever as I got to be in full costume, act like a goofball and nobody could see how ugly I was lol …yes I was still on that kick) . Even though I wasn’t into the hard drugs I hung around with lost and despaired as somehow we all seemed to have some thing in common and watched eachothers backs

A few years of that living cheque to cheque I met my husband (now ex-husband lol I did my 13 years hardtime now im off for good behaviour lol). I had gone from one job to another .. one relationship to another but nothing really interested me. I hated my husband the moment I met him, but he somehow convinced me to date …less then a year later we married and the abuse started . Well ! not to go through what my mom did I put up with it for awhile but one day he beat the crap out of me so bad he thought he killed me. That day he quit drinking, and I gave him another chance. We spent the next 10 years on our farm raising livestock and crops me swinging back and forth between vegetarianism, my husband was a great cook the difference being he didn’t cook the crap out of everything and we ate our own livestock, so for that I can say at least I knew where my meat was coming from. When I was 32 when we both decided that we had grown up to be very different people. We decided tohave a trial separation and that was that. We had no children together so it was a very clean separation.

At this time I was 32 hated my office job been working for the same company for 9 years, I was bored, mentally sick on antidepressants, physically sick , I got bloodwork done and hair analysis and had high levels of aluminum, lead, and copper in my system. Over my 20’s I had gotten over the binging and bulimia but I still would be fanatical about keeping food in the house at all times … if I ever felt like there was nothing to eat I would get into a frenzy. I had gotten over the BDD somewhat at least I wasn’t so critical of myself, but I was just so lost mentally over what I wanted to do with mylife. I decided to take a 2 week trip to the farthest place from where I was and looking on a globe , kathmandu Nepal was essentially the furthest from here as possible so I booked a openended ticked and away I went.

Once I got there I quickly realized how exhausted I really was and pretty much slept the first 4 days I was there, I think partly it was exhaustion and partly from all the vaccines I had to take before I got there. Well my first forays around the magical kingdom of Nepal I quickly learned that there was no way I was gonna eat meat here cuz meat handling is pretty disgusting (dead goats , chickens etc hanging in the open air on the street) so I decided to stick to fruit and veggies … well 2 weeks turned into 4 and 4 weeks into more and by the time I left there I had spent nearly 11.5 months there. This was in 2001/02 he royal nepali family was massacred and I was in this country at an amazing time of turmoil. Over the 11.5 months I was there I went to temples and festivles … did treks to everest basecamp, and numerous other hiking excursions, I learned how to kayak here and for the first time in decades I had the chance to sit down and read books .. I was reading 3 or 4 books a week by the time I left my hotel room looked like a liabrary lol (I donated all these to the local school before I left). I got in really good with one family and was accepted as a member of their family. The grandmother needed a kidney operation down in India and they asked me to watch their home while away as the whole family was going down to deal with this. I got a phone call one of these days saying that they were coming back early as the hospital had decided to raise the operation fee by 1000$ usd and all they could manage was another 300$ usd and it was useless and they were going to give up on the operation. WELL ! I was so pissed off about this that I flew right down to New Dheli and put up the other 700$usd for the operation. I told the doctor to his face that what he was doing was very bad but it made no difference to him. The family elevated me to near godlike status but I told them not to bother worrying about paying me back as it was money well spent and I was happy to do it. After that I spent a few more weeks traveling around India , then Thailand, then japan then back home.

The moment I got off the plane in California , I went to a pub to have a beer and a burger (I hadn’t eaten meat now for a year a few weeks) I immediately threw up after half the burger lol. When I got home I decided to keep on my cooked vegan diet as I felt Never anybetter then I had in my life .. I was lean an mean an clean. I got back from my trip and my husband and I decided that we were gonna divorce. I had decided while in Nepal that I would like to do massage therapy and he said he would pay my rent in town for the 3 years so I wouldn’t have to worry about working and going to school. It was a good deal and we parted friends.

I started the massage therapy course and 4 months into I got a call from my doctor from my old hometown…she had been trying to get ahold of me for over a year , and as I was in Nepal that obviously that didn’t happen, she had run into my ex-husband at the bank and said she needed to get ahold of me so he gave her my number. She told me I had cancer of the cervix and needed to come in right away for more testing. Well I was floored as I really didn’t feel sick in fact id never felt better in my life. After she retested me and confirmed I still couldn’t believe it so I wnet to two other doctors and same thing.

This started my next year of hell. To make my already long story short I had 4 operations ending in a hysterectomy and one treatment of chemo. Next step was to rebuild my battered body and mind. And that’s how I came about to this site in 2002.

I will continue what happened next later because if don’t get back to work my clients are going to get upset with me loll

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

hey there....thank you so much for sharing your story and finally taking the plunge and joining us instead of just lurking welcome to the diary section and we are all here for you!!! you have had some tough challenges in your life but have over come them sooo well...i know the problems with ED and BDD and all sorts of self abuse it is a tough world and that is what helps you cope...i am doing better because of raw as well so i applaud you!!! congrats on your wonderful accomplishments......but i do have to tell you this one thing that really upset me in the story.....you said ...."I became a cutter (street talk for wrist slasher)," now i know that you didn't mean anything by this...but wrist slasher??? wow that is a harsh intense word...and it is not associated with cutting...slashing of the wrists is not a cutting mechanism or technique or thought...99.9 percent of cutters cut for a reason not for death...so to stereotype that really upset me...i just feel it is really harsh and a little over the top to say that since in 99.9 of the cases it just isn't true...Cutters don't cut to die they cut to LIVE literally....so i just thought i would throw my thoughts in there..since that kinda well it did urk me a lot...and i had to get that out there for everyone reading.....i hope you are offended i didn't mean it mean towards you...just i think that was a little harsh...
love earthangel
xoxoxoxoxxo

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

Its all good EA .. up here the term was used loosely as i used it in this post ..right or wrong .. group therapists that i saw over the years as well said the same things canadian slang/lingo is a bit different at times then american

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

I think your post is just fine. These are YOUR feelings and should be judged OR corrected. Yes, cutting has many a personal meaning to whoever is doing it. Some want to die some do not. Usually cutting is refered to when someone inflicts harm onto themselves as a way of "relieving themselves of hurt, shame or whatever. In your case Jodi, I totally got it Your a true survivor and I am honored to have read your words.

Ksee ( One of my Irish Setter's)

Ksee@rawfoods.com

thanks i never felt EA was judging me , just making her observation

thanks much for the kind words

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

i was not judging your or anything of the sorts i myself am a recovering cutter...and just started recovering on january 24th....of this year...i just took it to heart because i have been dealt that card so many times people saying oh you are one of those referring to suicidal and a wrist slasher in sense....so it really hit home and made me cringe cuz i felt attacked myself but i know she was explaining her story and not anything to do with me....yes and of course that phrase is not loosely or at all used in therapy or anything down here in the US it is a whole other term and situation......
and ksee i didn't judge her or correct her..i was expressing my feelings regarding my own situation with the phrase and wording..jgunn is a friend of mine and i would never say things like that to her...so please don't judge my post in your own words of saying that i was trying to correct someone or judge them....and no most cutters aren't doing it for suicidal...a study done by a group of psychologists at UCSD even came up with statistics that 99.9% of cutters have no intention of suicide...only that .1% has a thought of cutting for suicide......never once in my meetings or therapy groups or in passing when someone notices my scars and asks about them beacuse they hae been through it have i met anyone who was using it for suicidal purposes..it is a way of living in my eyes..it helped me feel and live and breath..let me know i was still alive.....and i was getting out the bad feelings....
so that is wherei am coming from...not trying to judge or correct anyone....just saying
love earthangel
xoxooxoxoxoxoxxo

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

No problem EA. ((((Hugs to you))))

Ksee ( One of my Irish Setter's)

Ksee@rawfoods.com

wow jodi...

thank you for sharing. i've really enjoyed getting your comments on my diary...so it's awesome to hear from you. your story is really intense...and i sincerely hope that you're doing well. your time in nepal sounds fantastic...

i look forward to hearing more of your story

thanks ksee i am not a big emotional sharer of deep things..but i thought maybe my post came across the wrong way cuz i didn't say wheri was coming from..so thank you and sorry...i decided that it would be best if you knew that so you knew i wasn't trying to judge
take care xoxoxo

Hey there Jgunn how are you girl?? i hope you are doing well...have a great night
love earthangel
xoxoxoxoxxo

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

yesterday was pretty crappy lol .. i got into work early ..decided i would help out the shop side of things and turn on the lights and heat and compressors .. started assembling some things etc.

one co-worker comes in just starts ranting and raving and kept it up the full 8 hours ...

then my boss comes in an gives me crap about soemthing that had nothing to do with me, he just ASSumed it did, which i had to explain to him later and he still didnt apologize lol

full moon yesterday i think everyone had lost their minds



today was better =D

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

ASSumed ha ha ha jodi

yeah, u got the spelling correct

lol yep =p

my hunny bunny told me .. no good deed goes unpunished LOL =p

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

yeah

there is something to the full moon thing
don't know what
but there is

anyhow, the full moon looked SPECTACULAR!!

noticed it through the trees

it was soooo coool looking
took my breathe away

maybe that's why people start acting crazy
they can't handle the gorgeous night of the full moon

at any rate
your experience in tibet
bet you'll never forget that

i wanna go to tibet too, someday
i will

hey there hun....sorry your boss wasn't being the best to you today cuz you deserve only the best!! haha assumed that is cute...my little girls say that they are 10 and 12...they always say you know what you become when you ASSume haha...they are crazy little gals but i love them!!!
well anyways hun have a fabulous night...take care
love earthangel
xoxoxoxoxox

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

dooo wahhh

Huh???
hmm what was that lv???
love earthangel
xoxoxoxo

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

La_V is singing to me hehe

doobie doobie dooo .. dooo WAHHHH

lol

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

haha aww how sweet of her!!!
how are you today?? i hope all is well!! take care!!!
love earthangel
xoxoxoxoxxo

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

well its been a pretty lazy day for the most part ive been getting up at 6am for the last few weeks to drive me sweet babboo to work and then back at 7pm to pick him which has been making for late nights for both of us

so i just puttered and rested and rested and puttered lol

didnt sleep to well last night im looking after a friends little dog and the little pooch is used to sleeping in her bed so after listening to him howl for too long last night i relented and let it come into bed with us .. which meant allowing the OUR dog to join us, cuz he started howling knowing the other one was in here lol, l so we were all one big cramped family lol... my hubby is a spawler to start with so i had about 12inches of bed width and 2/3 of the length to myself lol

i can see how pets can cramp your sex life if ya let em

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Hey there..aww how sweet a big happy cramped family!! yay for letting him sleep with you..less anxiety for the little guy and stress..this way he won't get sick and not eat as well!!! you did the right thing....and of course your little guy was going to get jealous haha..the new guy ocmes and sees howling gets him right into bed with his favorite people ( you and hubby) he will do it too haha...have a wonderful day!
love earthangel
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

okay jgunn

here's a lil song i made up for you

there once was a girl named jgunn
she liked to climb snowy peaks and talk with leopards
once she put her ear to a crystal mountain and it sang out to her

doobie doooo wahh wahhhhh wahhhhhhh doooobie dooo wahhhhhhhh
jgunn just KNEW that the mountain was trying to tell her something
so she sang along
and the mountain's vibration and jgun's became
ONE
so now she doesn't belong to the clouds
or to the mountains
or to golden mandala that
tried to possess her
but faithfully she believes
in the singularity of what she heard


the single vibration
that emanated from the crystal cave

it told her:

the world belongs to those named jgunn

dooobie dooo wahhh wahhhhh

doooobie dooo dahhh dahhhh

that's a jgunn song

no fiction

tellin the truth

like it or lump it

heee heee

me no tell no lies

hi hun..just got home from work wanted to drop in and say hello..although you are probably sleeping with your big family ...have a wonderful night hun!! take care talk to you soon
love earthangel
xoxooxoxooxox

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

*rubs eyes* good morning i just got pushed outa bed lol ..my hunny is talking in his sleep too lol oh well haha

LaV that rawks ! no lie thankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyyy youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=D

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

jgunn

that's funny yer hubby pushed u out o bed ( made me laugh

yeah.. he probably heard what the mountains told you too and he got jealous

cuz the mountains said " the world belongs to those named Jgunn"

and he was cursing himself for not having changed his name
so he kicked u off the bed cuz he probably just has an onorously ordinary name like john tom or bill and he felt frustrated for not having the "precise"ly correct name like Jgunn ( harddy harrr ho hummm.. hippety hop... doobie doo wahhhhh wahhhhhrrrrrrRRRRrr)

aww jodi sorry you got kicked out!! haha when you are sleeping with 3 other beings it is hard haha....but they were comfy..and that is what counts my mommie would always say when she couldn't move cuz all three of us were in her bed with her and daddy lol..they would be cramped to the max but with lots of love and she never minded lol...she loved it!!! but i guess someone else's dog isn't the same huh?? haha oh well have a lovely day hun!!
take care
love earthangel
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

lol La_V my hubbys name is MIKE

.. funny thing is ... my eversohelpful first therapist was named Mike, my first husband was named Mike, my subsequent boyfriend after my divorce was named Mike, the accountant i worked for was named Mike and no my hubby now is named Mike.

wonder what the connection is lol

another crappy nights sleep but this time i cant blame it on the dogs. I swear my love has turrets syndrome in his sleep. He was hollering an cursin and tossin and turnin all night ..i sure wouldnt want to be in his dreams and i hope we can find a solution to his sleeping-outburst soon or i might have to stuff a sock in his mouth lol ... he hardly ever swears when awake and is a real elequent talker . ... but when sleeping its like his conan the barbarian side comes out HAHA its very strange

EA i love the dogs in bed i just think we need a bigger bed lol .. i get the feeling that this little old guy might end up becomeing a permaneent fixture as his owner goes away quite a bit and the kids dont bother taking care of the critters

guess i need to go looking for a king size my honey wants to push 2 queens together he says more for my safety then anything ..his thrashing about is getting worrisome lol

i think im gonna videotape him onto the computer one night

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

LOL ( mike.. whatta name)!!

sometimes its guys with those simple names
that are the most amiable

i got stories to tell ya about the name of one guy whose name kept configuring over and over in my life as well

very positive

yer hubby having the tourettes syndrome while asleep? conan the barbarian?

LOL

maybe he just doesn't like having dogs in the bed? and his subconscious expresses it in his sleep by thrashing about?/ who knows. hee hee..

ooo La_V i wanna hear the Name stories !! =) *pulls up a beanbag chair and a green smoothie*

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

hey hun..how funny mike must be your soulmate name haha....aww how cute you like the little guys in bed with you!! feels like such a family huh??that is good...hmm i don't know about pushing two queens together..that is ONE Gianormous bed haha!!! and you don't want to get caught in the crease .....good luck to you..and how sweet to take in the stray or similar haha...having an owner always away is probably sad for the little guy..and he seems to love you!!!
hmm your hubby could very well have the t syndrome .....he should get a sleep study done...and see what they think it is . as long as he isn't stopping breathing or choking he is safe...but you never know...he should get it checked out you know??
well take care hun and have a great day!!
love earthangel
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo