Way to go rawdancer!!!! Persevere!!!! Keep taking babysteps, one day at a time!!! We're all with you in your success!

Bracken~ i have been in recovery for about a year. well i got out of treatment about a year ago but slipped back into a lot of old habbits pretty quickly. so probably just about the past 4 months i can actually call being in recovery. i definitly still have my bad days, this week especially for some reason, but i try not to slip back to old habbits. the weight gaining part is espcially hard. i have my ups and downs about being ok with it. have all of your problems gotten better since in recovery?? its scary how fast an ed can destroy your body.

im really glad to hear that your doing good rawdancer! keep it up, your worth it! Enchantress~ how are you doing??
~Ali

WELL DONE!!! rawdancer you can do it sweetie! Proud of you!! take each day as it comes.

Love Julie aka (Bracken)

Hi ali, my problems still lurk there in the dark, but I don't let them get the better of me anymore, I think unfortunatly they will always be there but I suppose that is what makes you stronger in the end to to give in anymore,
At the begining of my recovery I do admitt I had more bad days then good it is a struggle, but you do get there in the end! The gaining weight was especially hard I would be lying if I did not say that I still have a bad time with the numbers going up on the scales, but I deal with it the best way I can as I know I still have not reached my target weight yet. Through my recovery I also had slip backs through obsticals life through at me, I am pretty sure it happens to everyone, but I now see that as a test in life to truely prove to yourself how strong you are to beat this! What has made me stronger too is this April I had a tumour removed from my rib, I am thankfully ok, but it really hit home that it could of been cancer, and to this day I still say that the tumour was caused by the E.D my body was attacking it self for so long from being malnourished.You are doing really well Ali four months is great!! this is the begining of the rest of your life! you will do it. I have been through hell and back in my life, if I can do it you can!!

Take good care Love Julie (Bracken)

good monday morning folks ! wishing you all a productive and healthy week !

bracken i hear ya about the ED issues.. they will always be there for me , i find things easier now to deal with than when i was in my teens and 20's but they will always be there, so everyday is a concious effort always searching for new ways to build myself better and stronger

another nice thought:

When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind, and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power. - Mary Pickford

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

rawdancer, and others ... have you identified some of the emotional triggers that have set you off lately on an anorexic episode?

i know rawdancer had a flutype/cold bug that you thought set you off

i had a really rough time growing up with multiple stepfathers that always seemed to fit the same abusive patterns my mom for whatever her reasons were ..sought out

the never being good enough, never doing nothing right, never being the right way road of self destruction

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

i can definitly relate to the never feeling good enough or doing anything right...huge anorexia trigger. i guess my main triggers are lonliness and depression. i never felt like i knew who i was. all through high school i was heavly into drugs and alcohol, when i tried to stop those things i got really depressed and didnt really do anything but sit alone. then my ed stared somehow...i guess it was just a cross addiction. the anorexia stopped me from drinking because of the calories and the ed just took over. there are so many little things that set it off but the hardest one now is the lonliness.

I can definitely relate to the loneliness. I live by myself, and have never really had a romantic relationship...I just feel SO ALONE. I have friends but they're always busy, and my relationship with my parents is good, but they're my parents, not friends. Despite never having experienced it, I feel like nothing can replace sharing your life with someone you love, you know? So yeah, the more lonely I get, the more hopeless I become, and the worse my ED gets. There are other triggers, of course, but that's a big one.

i relate too the loneliness as well. I think that is a big part of why i got married so young (barely 19) because i was afraid of being alone

trust me a bad 13 year marriage was no tradeoff .. i woulda been better off to be alone

when i was *alone* again i learned how to live with myself and not push myself into distructive relationships

at the time being im with a great guy, but even now i find smal bits of anxiety surface when he wants to do things without me lol .. so still very much a work in progress ...

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

It was the same with me in the respect of not feeling good enough, I was always put down told I would never emount to anything, & the loneliness too. Plus there was major other things that happened throughout my childhood that I witnesss & had to endure, "that was enough to mess anyones head up" I found the E.D blocked all that out. I still have to try and live with them demonds now, I fight hard everyday. I am extremely lucky that I have a loving, & understanding husband. But still I suffer terribly from loneliness, I have work colleagues, I have no real friends, I don't get on with my parents AT ALL!!!!! I have a brother that I hardly see.
Ali I can also relate too you in the cross addiction thing, as I drank alcohol everyday heavily for about 4 years straight & self harm, I think all theses addictions go hand in hand, its like once you let one go you replace it with another. I don't suffer with a destructive addiction now, but replaced with O.C.D. Since recovering I eat little and offen & on certain times, I'm now trying to work on that one, to rid of it.

Take care all
Love Bracken

How are you doing Rawdancer? Hope you are ok?

Love bracken

ok this is a really LONG thought of the day but it was an interesting read for me a few years ago that i dug back off an old computer

LONELINESS

Loneliness is being alone and not liking it. Loneliness
is being alone and not knowing who you really are.
Loneliness can often be felt, experienced and "suffered"
from, while in the company of many people. Loneliness is
not accurately measured by how many people you do know
or don't know, are with or are without. NO...Loneliness
is the measure of how much you are not at peace with
yourself and the potential company that you can offer to
yourself. It is also the measure of the value that you place
upon your just being here, and upon you just being you.
There is such worth in who you are, you yourself, alone.

Loneliness is a reflection in the vulnerable aspects of your
self-care neglected.


You are the one who decides how lonely you are. You are the
only one with the power and the responsibility to define what
is lonely for you. You do not have to be lonely. Loneliness
is a choice. Loneliness is not just related to sadness and
pain or a lack of company. It is more related to what we
didn't get in our lives, as children. A child whose needs
are not met cannot choose to be their for himself or herself
without first meeting those unmet needs. As children, often
we could not meet those needs. That is why children have parents.
But, now, you are an adult and you can choose to meet your own
needs no matter how daunting they may, at times, seem.

Loneliness is the result when you allow your energy to be
usurped by your past, thus rendering you less available to
yourself and to others in the here and now. When we allow our
energy to be usurped by the past it not only takes us out of
the better part of current time as it unfolds but it also
challenges each of us to keep a strong foot-hold on our "true"
(authentic)self versus giving way to our "false-self" (inauthentic).
I believe loneliness is a result of one experiencing their
"false-self". Being in touch with your "true self" through
an active choice to do so is the best way to work through and
get past your loneliness.

The dichotomy of "self": false self versus true self is a universal
struggle found in the human condition. Opposition to each other
notwithstanding, both aspects of self compete within each of us
as each of us seeks to live our life to the fullest in what it means
to be who each of us really is.


You are the best friend that you will *ever have* in this world.
From this very pivotal relationship to and with yourself the tone is set
for your relationship to and with others. No one can be your
best friend for you. No one can give you enough friendship to
alleviate the loneliness that you yourself perpetuate in your
own existence by looking back more than you are looking forward.
Look inside and get to better know this wonderful
friend that awaits your care and concern. Being your own best
friend will unfold your loneliness to you in a way that will then
teach you what it is that you further need to know about who you
really are and what that means to your place in this world. This
is the process that transcends an empty longing loneliness and gives you
the gift of the fullness of what it is to be alone with your true self
in relation to the very place in this world that is yours to claim.
The aching-agnst of loneliness is your false self dying and giving way
to the re-birth of your true self.

Reach in to know your true self and though you may spend time alone,
you will not be lonely.


A.J. Mahari

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

i like that, thanks Jodi. i find it hard to really figure out who my true self is...i decided to go back to school, started yesterday. i have been out if school for 3 years now working as a hairstylist, but after all of this i have been through i feel like there is so much more i want to do with my. it was wierd being in class again. there are so many people. how do you get over being so shy and introverted? i have a huge problem with standing up for myself or speaking my needs. is this another common trait of ed??
~Ali

thats some really good questions Ali going to school certainly sounds like a great way to try something new ... i went back to school in my mid-30's to do massage therapy after doing accounting for nearly 20 years .. i just got so sick of numbers ! lol boy did i feel like i stuck out like a sore thumb ! i was the 2nd oldest in my class of early 20 somethings haha.. and dont get me started on relearning how to study in the new millenium i hadnt been in school in over 20 years

one thing i ahve found that has really helped me with the ED thing was studying the microbiology of how things work withen our bodies .. it really opened my eyes to how things work and not be so scared of microminerals and fats etc. we are truley an amazing machine and given the opportunity can deal with pretty much anything thrown at us.. there are so many truly fearfull things to fear without fearing simple proteins , carbs and fats ya know? lol

getting over shy and introverted ..well thats a bit of a tougher one technically im still pretty shy and introverted but i found volunteering made me feel really good .. i coached little league baseball without having a clue as how to coach and that gave me the opportunity to meet 12-24 parents who all work which gave me a network of new people to meet and interact with .. networking of any kind does this

i think if you can sit down and evaluate your needs and wants and then go from that list and start making the effort to meet the people in yoru life that help you obtain those needs and wants is a good start

i think maybe it is a common trait of ED to be this way as i see it in so many friends so its possible i reckon .. for years when i was married i never spoke up for myself but at some point i guess i realized i was selling myself short by not making any effort to obtain my wants and needs !

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Good news Ali you are going back to study, I too am very shy and reserved it is like jodi was saying, by putting yourself into situations where you have to interact with people, really is a confidence builder. I've learnt that since my jewellery business has started, I had to put myself out there mixing with people which was scary, I still need to bulid on it now. What are you studying?

Wishing you all the best!

very cool bracken what kinda jewelry do you make ?

and goood morning all !! how is everyone today?

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Hi jodi,I hope you had a good day? I make mostly gemstone jewellery, chakra etc, I supply for three small health/holistic shops & do various craft fairs.
How long have you been recovered from E.D?
The Microbiology sounds interesting, I studied Clinical Herbalism which I use offen, gaining knowledge from that helped me alot.

Take it easy
Love Bracken

GREAT post, Jodi. That really helped me out a lot .

good morning folks hope all is well out there

Bracken i wouldnt really say that im recovered as i quite beleive that it is with me everyday .. the concious choice to eat well and nourish my body .. still i have anxiety moments where its like SNAP i feel i could just slip right back into some habit or another ... but i havent had a ano episode in say 7-8 years .. binging/purgeing/bulimia ... about the same .. i stopped the OCD over food about 3 years ago ...i still suffer from daily bouts of dysmorphia i guess to some degree .. i never seem to be *just* right ..ya know? but i except it now, lol ..



Rawdancer i read in the challenge thread you werent have a great day yesterday

rawdanceruk Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Jody.. Punnet must be a british thing.. I never
> knew!! Its just a little pot..can be anything from
> 200g-310g of berries..depending on the size!!

thank you ! lol i was kinda wondering about that


> Have had an awful day, just been having really low
> spells, ended up in the toilets crying like a
> baby.

what is making you upset hun?


Eventually got myself together, went to the
> doctors, they want to sign me off for a week- but
> I work for tyrants and dont know if they will
> allow me. I have to speak to my manager tommorow,
> if it will mean loosing my job then I will just
> battle through.

sweetie if they wont let you take some time off perhaps its time for you to evaluate weather or not these are people you want to work for/with .. i know its a hard decision but if you are sick you are useless to yourself and others .. please know im speaking from experience i worked for nearly a decade in one place hating my job and all i got in the end out of them was a nervous breakdown .. no thanks .. no screw ya later ... sweetie its just not worth it.


>
> I ate some beansprouts, 1 hass avacado. My
> colleague brought me a bit of raw cake to cheer me
> up in the afternoon which was sweet.

very cool

>
> Just really low, I threw out all painkillers, cos
> I really am hitting crisis point. I never go to
> the doctors, but I was scared. Just.. trying not
> to cry and keep busy tidying the house/cleaning
> things for now.

sweetie i hope you are having a better day today , again if you want to talk let me know keeping yourself busy is good but try to identify what is really bothering you so you can work towards fixing things .. i know things probably seem hugely wrong at the moment but there will be a time when you look back on all this and say whew ! you can do it sweetie

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

good morning everyone , how are things going? ?

Bracken that is very cool about the jewelry i would love to see some pics if ya have any

the microbiology is really cool .. here is a couple good link about our anatomy and physiology that is interactive and free (my favorite price lol) [www.innerbody.com] and [www.free-ed.net]

i did a 3 year course in massage therapy as i was getting sick of doing accounting (20 years) , also study'd aromatherapy, hydrotherapy, thai massage, reflexology, shiatsu, a bit of herbology (basic weekend type couse) , and some aryuveda ..and about 5-6 months of nutrition with the massage course, its all so facinating isnt it? as i am a bit of a cynic in some ways i went into most of the courses with an open mind and took from them what i beleive is true as everything seems to have its own radical rights and wrongs doesnt it?

Ali what courses are you taking? im considering going back to school once again to get some esthetician type stuff done as well as alot of the people i do massage on also ask about the mani/pedi/facial stuff and this wasnt learned in myschool

Enchantress how are you feeling today ? I hope the nice weather is stirring up some positive vibes for you

Rawdancer, keep on trying hun , and do yourself a big favor and toss the wine where ya tossed the pills ...been there done that , drinking is only messing with your delicate balance right now and although it is numbing you .. that is not gonna fix the long term problem sweetie , i hope today brings you more joy and opportunities *huge hugs*

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist




Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/24/2007 03:31PM by Jgunn.

How's everyone doing?
Sorry to hear you are having a rough time at the mo rawdancer, What is it that is making you so down? You can still beat this you know!! I wish I could be more help to you? I really feel for you. Did you manage to get some time off work?

How is school going Ali?

How's things with you Enchantress?

I will check out thoughs web sites jodi cheers! I am very much into the holistic things, anything natural works best for me. I see a spirital healer offen. I am very much into wicca and nature, crystals. In my road to recovery I wrote alot of poetry to express myself which I found helpful.
Have you been eating raw for quite a while jodi?
I will try and post some pics of my jewellery tomorrow.
Have you posted a pic of yourself jodi on this site? it is always nice to put a face to who you are writing to? I posted one of me. Enchantress you are very pretty, I used to have red hair like yours I think I have been every colour!

Take good care all
Love Bracken

me too about the holistic stuff .. its been helpfull on my healing journey and starting to help others on theirs

i posted my pics in the pic thread main forum

i guesss ive been a transitioning raw foodie now around 5 years .. been 100% for around 4ish months now .. lol sheesh time flies

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Hey everyone! How is everything? work has been non stop the past couple days for me. its back to school time for the kids so they all want haircuts! but schools good, thanks for asking, it feels good to be back. right now i am just taking all my general ed classes, but i really want to study nutrition. i feel like everything happens for a reason and i have gotten really into nutrition and more hollistic ways of living since going through all this. my plan is to go to community college for 2 years and then transfer to a 4 year school and get a bachelors degree. hopefully somewhere out of san diego, i have been here my whole life.

Jodi~ i love all that aryuveda and aromatherapy healing, its all so amazing. i agree that all the hollistic stuff is so important in healing. yoga has been amazing for me! have you considered going to cosmetology school and getting your license in estetics or nails? you would be really good at facials because of all the massage!

Bracken~ i would love to see pics of your jewlery also. i have always wanted to learn to make jewlery, i think it would be so much fun.
where is everyone posting their pics? it is fun to put a face to who your talking to. i dont have any posted but maybe i'll try.

take care everyone!! have a wonderful weekend... ~Ali

i love all the natural sciences ... i truly love exploring all the ins and outs of figuring things out ..what works what doesnt .. for me .. for others

[www.rawfoodsupport.com] thats the link for the pics page i think its 18 pages long now lol

thats great you are getting your gen.ed. Ali .. all are steps in the forward direction

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Hi jodi just found your pics you have such lovely dark hair, is your hair still that long? I am still trying to grow mine. Sorry to hear you had cancer I take it you are ok now? I can imagine I will go back and study at some point, in the mean time I am educating myself with loads of books, my book collection is getting rather big now.

Good news Ali that you are getting on well as school, how many children do you have? it is good to see you have plans as to what you want to do. I always feel I need plans for the future something to work towards to get me through the days. If I don't I find that I get depressed easy. My main problem is the winter as I suffer with S.A.D (seasonal affected disorder) does anyone else suffer with this as me, if so how do you manage?

Will try and post some jewellery pics tonight, look forward to your new pics jodi.

Take it easy all

Love bracken

Here are some pics of my jewellery from one of my older catalogues





Also her are a couple of pics of Si and I making the most of the British summer before it rains again!




Bracken

Like the pictures Braken.. I so hope the floods and rain stay away now!! Its been nice and sunny today

I am having a bad time at the moment, monday I started feeling really low. Like suicidal low.. started crying at work, which isnt like me at all. So I went to see my doctor, he said.. well the usual..he isnt the sort of doctor to ever give antidepressants, he said I should stop being hard on myself and recommended I didnt work for a while- Which isnt an option financially right now, plus with HR at my work they just wont stand for it. I cant afford to loose my job.

So I put on a brave face and got through the rest of the week.

Not feeling in such a dark place now, but just very low. Only way to describe it, I wish it was something in particular, but its not, its just everything.

I tried to eat and got the gagging thing again. I am hungry now, so I am going to try some pak choi and beansprouts- have plenty of tuppaware at the ready incase I cant eat and need to pack it all away in a hurry. Seeing it, smelling it or anything else can trigger me off if I have a bad reaction to it.

Anyways. sorry for the long post.

Thanks for this thread again Jody

Raw_danceruk

Hi rawdancer it's great to hear from you! I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down lately, keep your chin up we are all here behind you! It is such a shame you can't take any time off work it sounds like that is really what you need, you sound like you are suffering from exhaustion thats enought to make anyone low. I know it did with me. When I had e.d all the doctors did was give me antidepressants they put me on 60mg on prozac which made me even worse, & made me self harming worse I was out of control, doped up to the eyeballs. It sounds like your doctor isn't too bad not to dish them out to you.
What job do you do rawdancer? do you manage to have time to chill out, time to relax? Do you have any family or friends around you? I've only had my hubbys support throughout my recovery. All my so called friends disappeared. So as you can imagine I have a tough time getting close and trusting anyone now as I don't want to be hurt yet again, do you have simular kind of issues?
Where abouts do you live in the u.k? I live in Devon (plymouth) it is lovely in the summer I love the moorland going for long walks,discovering all the stone circles etc.
You are doing well rawdancer, all the gagging thing is, is the anxiety it will pass adventually, don't give yourself a hard time and rush things, everything takes time, small steps remember! Have you tried deep breathing when you feel that sensation happening? I found it helped with me. Maybe putting a chilled out C.D on and meditating could help the anxiety and lighting some candles and just clearing the mind for a while.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend my thoughts are with you.

Love Julie (Bracken)

Thanks Julie for the reply.

Yeah I know antidepressants arent the answer, I just dont really know what is right now. Just pretty much slept through the bank holiday, some naturally and some sleeping tablets. Only thing to keep me going to be honest, dont trust myself being awake for more than a few hours at a time without work.

Live in Suffolk at the moment, east anglia. Between there and London, and Birmingham..so a bit of all over the place, but main base is east anglia. Work an office job 50hours a week finishing my degree and then teach dance also. So pretty exhausted right now to say the least.

No contact with family right now, their ED behaviour only drags me down and triggers me, so I stopped all contact about a month ago. I have a few good friends in Norfolk and a boyfriend although he isnt around much right now.

Yeah I know its just anxiety, I was doing well having the banana mlyk and smoothies. So I guess thats what I will have to try again. Just been living off tea the past couple days. Just want to sleep until its tuesday and can get back to work..really dont know what to do if I am not at the office right now..so perhaps its best I cant get signed off!!

Anyways thanks for the support

xx

Good to hear back from you rawdancer, I hope you are feeling a little more refreshed after your sleep, you obviously need it you certainly do work long hours. What degree are you studying for? how long have you been teaching dance for?It just goes to show how strong willed you are working all them hours, and wanting to get you degree, so that shows you can beat this!!! And you can get through this dark episode you are going through right now, you appear to be stronger than you think!
You have probably done the right thing in distancing yourself from your parents if you say they can trigger you, you say they have e.d behaviour too? I distance myself from the parents as they are the main trigger for me but for different reasons, have you found that it is helping not having that contact?
It is good that you have some good friends, & a boyfriend what does your boyfriend think of your e.d, is he supportive?
As I said before you are doing well, if the banana mylk & smoothes are working best for you right now, just stick to them and then gradually try something else, Have you thought anymore about that herbal tonic Floradix? it will help when you are feeling so exhausted, it is totaly natural made from fruit & veg, and it wont make you bloated.

Take good care, sending all my best wishes!
Love Julie