Rawdancer~ my heart goes out to you. but i do agree with what enchantress and bracken are saying...keep up the counseling, try to get to the bottom of the underlying problem. its hard work and its scary losing the control. but we are all here for you and i believe you can get through. there is so much greatness in life and you have so much to offer.

Bracken~thats so wonderful that you are considering children. definitly scary though. maybe right now you are so scared of the body changes that come with having children, but then you will have something else to focus on. someone else that needs you to take care of them and nurture them. i believe that if its what you want then it will happen for you, everything will work out. good luck!!!

Enchantress~ how are you doing latley? are you still considering mirasol?

take care everyone, have a wonderful week! you are all in my thoughts!

hey hey ladies todays a new nother day i hope things will be good for you. im sorry i hope you dont think i abandoned you but i had things to work out here at home and hopefully myguy and i are back on track

i get when i get hurt, sadly my scorpio nature doesnt let me forgive or forget very easily lol



...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Cheers ali for the kind wishes, got baby book today I want to get as much info as I can, you are right alot of people keep telling me having a baby will take my mind off myself, I won't have time to worry about myself my baby will be the most inportant thing in my life. Glad you sound in good spirits!

Great to hear from you Jodi, I do hope things are more settled with you and Bf?
I know what you mean about being a scorpio, so am I, and I have a right sting in my tail! When is your birthday? mines November 10th, dreading the big 30. It would been so bad if I done things throught out the years worth while but I wasted it on the ED, now I,m trying to make up for it big time now!!

Are you O.k rawdancer, how was your day today? did you manage to take some time off work?

Take good care all, Love Julie XXX

I didnt go in today, I think perhaps I have to go in tommorow. I really dont know at all.. I am going to try and figure it all out at 7am.. Am meant to be at the docs at 8.30...

I dont want to be at work crying.. but I dont want to be at home cutting either..so I really do not know which is the lesser of evils..so to speak

Thanks for the support/love julie, is appriciated

ty

Raw_dancer xx

rawdanceruk , so dont be at either at work or at home hun if u cant be at home go sit in a park and meditate ..clear your brain ... wander aimlessly in some touristy part of town and pretend you dont speak english

just dont be alone in your despair

were here ok?


lok im november 10 too how bout that !

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

I agree with jodi rawdancer you need some headspace, you need to take yourself out of situations of being isolated. Take time for yourself & focus on the thing you really want in life, ask your self why you became so dependant on your ED? with clearing your mind, thought & feelings are more easily recieved. More than likey you can't do this in your home, good places are in the park, or your favorite place you like going to, maybe on way back from doc,s? Being more with nature, it will make you feel more connected, more grounded instead of with the fairies so to speak! You can do this rawdancer, once you have figured this out then that is going to be the head start forward to your road to recovery. Just dont think of work, dont think of BF, just think of those most important questions you want to ask yourself. YOU CAN DO THIS, and tell yourself this too, everyday! My thoughts are with you all day rawdancer, let me know what docs say! XXX

well, how strange is that jodi both november 10th! how are you doing lol?
Been thinking alot of you lately wondering how you are doing? Take good care all! Love always Julie XXX

How are you rawdancer? hope you are ok? did docs go ok?
Well, i'm gong to try and get fitted in doc,s thismorning where I had my Tumour removed this April. I am getting alot of pain there again, one thing after another! it's the price I am paying now for dystroying my body!! Feeling rather pist off, when i start thinking positive about something something else happens with me, I suppose I will have to go with it.

Take good care Love JulieXX

hey all

Julie go get it checked its hopefully minor ... i live in constant fear my cancer will manifest again in other parts of my body ..every little ache sends me scurrying for tests ..well im not so bad now but the first couple years ..

rawdancer please let us know how you are today ..it was nice to see those smiles finally showing up inyour posts

enchantress whats happening with the treatment decision? can you email them with your dietary ideas and see if they can accomodate you at least on a vegan level with some raw fresh stuff?

hmm maybe we should all open our own treatment center based on nutritious foods ;P

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Sorry I have been AWOL.. bf had his dads funeral..so its been a bit mad..and sad..


all okay at the moment, the nurse cleaned up my cuts and stuff, gave me a lecture and sent me on my way. Havent been cutting since then. Focusing on getting through day at a time.

Going produce shopping in the morning, going to juice feast. Think its easiest and a good goal for me, to fill up on good juices.



Thanks for all your wonderful support ladies xx

Hi jodi got the doc to look today, he seems to think the tumour isn't growing back but the scar is hypertrophic he said if it is still playing me up then, then I could have futher investigation or botox injection again. I had to have botox injections all the time in my scars when I used to self harm they always went hypotrophic for some reason. I still don't trust my docs opinion though, don't trust any of them!
Talking of self harm, sorry rawdancer about your self harming, & i,m sorry I could not be more help to you sweetie, I do feel i,m actually not helping you much! You seem to be getting worse by you posts.
You say you are going to juice feast, you can't get by on them alone lol, you must try a little of some thing else, I appreciate it is so hard for you right now, especially with your BF loss, i'm so sorry, but you not only need to make yourself well for you, but also have the energy to help suport your BF.

Thinking of you!
Take good care jodi,

Love always Julie XX

Surely juice is better than nothing?? which is what I am having at the moment

Nothing..and cutting.. is a vicious cycle.. just completly snapped at bf..isnt his fault.. just @#$%& up.. going to go shopping for food and see him tommorow.

You are helping a lot Julie.. your little posts cheer me up!! xxx

yep juice is better then nothing keep yer chin up hun

im away for the weekend beback on monday

love you all be strong

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Yes juice is better than nothing rawdancer, I did not mean to sound as if I was being too pushy with you eating more that is the last thing I want to do! You are doing well considering the cercumstances. I'm sure your bf knows you did not me to snap at him & knows things are hard for you at the mo. I,m glad to hear that I am helping a little, wish I could do more. What you doning this weekend? I'm going to try and chill and do some mind clearing myself, been a bundle of emotions all week thinking babies all the time, one min thinking yesi can do it, then next backing out again. Just so much to consider, i'm even dreaming of it now! would it be any help to you if I wrote what I eat in a day? taking into account I eat little and offen, and I'm not totally raw? I was thinking yesterday, while you are not eating well & lacking vitamins there is a raw food bar called Greens+ Choc energy bar has all vitamins & minerals in. If you could manage to eat one of these a day or every other day plus some berries & juices it would be a good start. Only if you feel ready! you get them from health food shops, By the way rawdancer on more lighter notes what music you in too? I like Metallica, Green Day, Evanescence, Doves, K.T Tunstall, Sadly some 80,s music, Chilled out music has to be Enigma.
Well going to have my breakfast now, hope you will feel alot better over weekend, be thinking of you! take care Love Julie XXX

rawdancer i had a thought you can maybe throw around .. i see there is a a few raw festivals and classes etc in the meeting place part of this forum ..

all festivals need volunteers .. why not get out for a day or two and try to hook up with these people? you would be surrounded by all this living stuff and positive energy and as a volunteer you would probably score at the very least a free ticket

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

oops i meant the events part of this forum not the meeting place

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Thanks guys for the ideas and stuff

Appriciate it. I would love to Jodi, but I cant afford anything right now travelwise.


Was all geared up for work today and last nite had a complete meltdown. Also had a row with bf..so just been upset about that also. Havent eaten all weekend.. had a cup of coffee, a swig of green juice and spent most of the time crying.

Got to go to the doctors, think perhaps a few days off work or a week would help me. Although to be honest I am scared of being home alone for a week, feeling so out of control.

I know he will want to weigh me. Have about 4 jumpers on..hopefully he wont ask me.

Ah well, deffinately need some down time, few days to rest, probably spend it down the gym. Better than being on my own in bed crying.. isnt productive.

Thanks for listening xx

Sorry to hear about you & boyfriend rawdancer, it's probably a good idea going doc's to get some time off work. Have you managed to see any counsellor at all?
I really wish I could do or say something that could help! I feel I could only say so much on here & you I suppose you can only say so much on here too. It is a shame I can't talk to you. It is so frustrating I really want you too beat this! now I know how my husband felt all them years trying to help me! Is there anyone you can talk too, a friend or someone you feel you can trust? If you have time of work why don't you try & think of what you really want in life, like I said before, about witing two lists what you gain out of Ed? & what you would gain if you where better? You need some proper rest head clearing, time for just you! YOU CAN BEAT THIS! I know they seem like just words to you, but beleive it! what are you so affraid of? why do you hang on to the ED for? what is it really doing for you? the only things I can see it is doing to you is negitive things? Use any time you have off work more wisely, if you go to the gym sweetie you will surely collapse, as I want to remind you do you really want to be carted off to the hospital, or even sectioned and FORCE FED!?? You must keep reminding yourself of this, you have all the opertunity to get better eating your way, eating good healthy foods. Let us know how you get on at do's will be thinking of you, love always Ju xxx & hugs!

Thanks julie

I have been signed off for two weeks now. I am so painfully bored already after 1 day!! I just slept all day..sat on the pc for a short while..then.. went back to bed

Just given up trying to eat now.. really just given up.

I had

1/2 pint watermelon juice
1 glass carrot/ginger
1 litre green juice

ate a pear, but feeling immensly guilty now.

Oh well

Otherwise okay..I know best place for me is home, so just trying to take it..rest and just get through this bored time..

Bf and I having some time out..he needs to grieve..n I respect that.

Nevermind.

Thanks for the support xx

hey sweetie chin up when you can you are capable of anything you put your mind too. try not to brood around home too much, although rest is good its also good to get out and get some fresh air.

it sounds like you have alot on your plate but please remember something i had to realize at some point was that everything that i was trying to accomplish, school, working 3 jobs, gym for hours a day .. were all good for nothing when i finally collapsed. none of it will be good for anything when im dead.

so try and keep this in perspective .. your health comes first

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

wrote long post to you thismorning rawdancer, bloodly lap top wiped it out! so just a quicky, it right what jodi said I totally agree, listen to us we have been through what you are going through right now, don't listen to your head right now, it is making you ill, use us as your angels on your shoulder, we are here for you to try and give as much support as we can!

Thinking of you take good care! love Ju XXX

heyyyy enchantress ...whereeeeeee are youuuuu

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Ty guys

Had 2 litres of water

tis just 8pm here..considering juicing some apples..before its too late for my noisy breville noisey noise!!.. got some tiny organic ones, they are smaller than limes but have a great taste..

unsure. May just drink more water

made an effort to get washed and dressed today..

my scales have come back im afraid.. down 5lb. Really will try to have some juice tonight and to leave the house to buy more produce tommorow. I just couldnt face being outside today..although its less than a mile to the organic produce shop.. Couldnt do it.

Anyways thank you for all the support as always

Much love xx

How was your day today rawdancer?, been wondering all day how you are? I was thinking today, when I was recovering I used a Paul Mckenna CD, Change your life in seven days, it did not change my life but it helped with more confidence in myself & made me more focused as to what I truely wanted my life to be, I would happily lend you mine! You might even be able to get in in your local library, have you manage to eat a little something today? How did you get on at docs? Have you tried any of the things I mentioned to try and help you get more focus in your life? You say you want to get better eating raw, well look at it this way, eating raw is about nuturing your body, giving it what it needs to funtion at its best, fueling your mind & soul. If you want to carry on teaching dance, the thing you say you love to do ths is the journey you need to take to pursue your love for dance. Try as hard as it is to see these foods in a different light, they are pure, clean, nutrishious, natural! so there should not be too frightening to you, or make you feel guily for consuming them. I would understand if it was buscuits or sweets, burgers and crap, you get my drift? We all learn bad patterns , habbits over the years they take time to manaiest, you can with time relearn to erase these patterns into more positive ones, the mind is so powerful as you already know, you have learn't to be this way, you can relearn how to live a more positive, healthy, productive life,IT CAN BE DONE TRUST ME, but it wont fall in your lap it does take work!
Must go now,absolutely nackered been long day, got face pack on & it is totally setting like cement! HA HA! Love & hugs Ju XX

How is everyone else doing?

Jodi I have just been reading your story on the main message board, I admit I have not looked on there in a while. You have certainly been through it lol, I personally think you are a fantastic person, for what you have been through, and what you have done to help others and having the strength to help heal yourself, & travel, doing the treaks & camps sounded absolutely wonderful & what a experience, totaly life changing. I hope one day I have the strength to tell my story, not as inspiring as yours though, I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Stay wonderul, keep smiling!
Love always Ju XX

Hey all,

Well, we're getting everything set for me to go to Mirasol. Getting all the blood tests and crap done, etc., etc. Gonna try to be in there by the end of the month.

Meanwhile, I'm having my good moments and my bad ones. I find I'm much more comfortable being "normal" with food when I'm around other people. When I'm alone, I think way too much and when I think about food all day, the last thing I want to do is eat, even though I'm hungry. Anyone else experience this? Anyway, I was at a friend's vegan potluck the other night (lots of raw!) and I was feeling pretty good. Much less stressed about food. I made a raw lasagna - sooooo good! Sometimes I think that if I just try harder to cultivate a life outside of work and thinking too much (lol) I would be fine. But then I look at my life compared to everyone else's and I realize how utterly controlling of myself I am. I can't seem to ever just LET GO and let myself be myself. I'm always trying to force myself to do things, and I feel that if I don't I'm being lazy, or will become lazy. Part of why I want to go to Mirasol is just to get away from my life as it is, just stop the cycle...which, I suppose, is kind of what the place is for.

Some days are just so hard. Everything, even stuff like taking out the garbage, seems like it takes too much energy. I'll force myself to run for an hour every day, or go to the gym for almost two hours, and after that all I can do is sit and watch a movie until it's time to go to work. Rawdancer, I think I know how you're feeling, not wanting to even get out of bed.

Anyway, that's about all that's going on with me. Eating was pretty good today...used leftover lasagna fixin's to make mini pizzas for dinner by putting the sauce and "cheese" on zucchini slices. Mmmmm.....

Is sounds you are doing really well enchantress, you sound really positive, you should be proud of yourself you seem to be taking big steps especially going to Mirasol well done sweetie! that lasagna sounds nice.
Keep your pecker up, my best wishes are with you!
Love Ju XXX

How are you rawdancer?

Getting little worried rawdancer are you ok?

How you feeling jodi, just read about your mad cleanse you have more guts then me! would be really freaked out about that happening to me!

Where is everyone? hope you are all ok? would be nice to hear from someone! XXX