Hi you two! Dropping in to say howdy...I haven't been too chatty lately, but am thinking about you and hope you are doing well and enjoying your day(s) and evening(s). Was I busy today. Went for a Necessity Shop...some fruit, salad ingredients. Did not buy any seitan. Olives! Just what I could carry home myself, did not want to fuss with waiting for cab. Did some housework and also did a lot of planting. I finally planted the little area in back patio (mostly shade) that I have been composting since I moved into house. The dirt was sand, beach stuff, unlivable. So I've been burying all produce garbage...lots of which sprouted! These plants I will transplant to friend's sunny veg. garden! Busy day, good energy...with some help of coffee. What a motivator, albeit toxic. I do love coffee. I am smoking. What to do with my runaway senses?! Meditate. *sigh* Haven't been doing real well in that area. I am SO aware of this, and the pressure is building.

No yoga today, mis-communication with friend, but it was probably just as well. She said it was hellishly hot hot hot. Probably 120. I can take around 105 and maybe a couple degrees over that if I am going regularly. I want to check out a yoga class that is close to People's Coop. That room will seem too cold for yoga!

Take care, enjoy yourselves, Moi.

Sundancer, it's not dumb at all; please don't say that! For some reason you just haven't been able to make the shift to move fully into your goal, that's all, and you'll have to find what that reason is; you just may not be ready on an emotional level to handle it full on for a length of time...and that's fine, though I know how frustrating it can feel to not meet a standard that you've set for yourself...

Elakti, glad that you got out for a quick supply top-up! I need to do one soon as well, and it will definitely include a lot more olives And Altaulfo mangoes, which I tried for the first time this week and am jonesing for a case of those bad boys - I just couldn't believe how much they cost retail! I have to get those babies in bulk...I am also firmly in love with the Mamey Sapotes - finished my last half this morning and want MORE...

Today's been very quiet and contemplative, a bed day, with a little exitement earlier as I tended to a bloody right finger which I somehow managed to slice open! I can't even watch a nurse draw my blood, but was super cool while watching the red stuff flowing down my hand...weird! I'm going to keep relaxing, reading my book ("Mind Body Balancing", Osho), meditate and take a nap. Oh, and finish a quick, small load of laundry!

I'm so envious that you two are growing veggies! Boy would I love to do that soon!

This morning's brekkie was pineapple-apple-ginger juice, and later I'll have carrot-dandelion and carrot-celery-tomato-spinach-parsley ones. I am so glad I bought my juicer - I'm almost loving it as much as my Vitamix, which has been my faithful companion for almost 12 years, now! Stopped eating Romaine for a few days...been getting stomachaches after my salads which pretty much freaked me out...Had another funky binge eating episode last night which led to complete brain fog and my finger accident today...but I'm THISCLOSE to a huge breakthrough so I'm going to keep steaming full throttle ahead!!! Ain't letting NOTHING stop me now...grrrrrr!!!

Hey Girlies!!!

Soraya -- Thanks for the encouragement; it really helps a lot! You are such an inspiration -- both of you!! You're making me want to break out my juicer. With the kale, tomatoes, basil, garlic, green beans, beets, arugula, peppers, cucumbers, etc. etc. that the garden is producing, I really should be juicing my veggies. I have been really digging the garden booty, though, making salads, simply grazing (my favorite way to eat these days) -- it's great!! I wish I could share with you!!

I think that olives have a lot of iron in them -- maybe you need iron?

Gotta run -- I was sent home (slow at work) and the family is wanting my attention.
Ciao!!!

Sundancer, hope you were able to take advantage of that extra time to have fab. fun with the fam (aww, shucks, I couldn't resist that one)!

Man, if I had that delicius bounty in my backyard I'd be juicing three-four times a day, I think!!!

I had another one of my pineapple-apple-ginger juices this morning - a fast favourite of mine, definitely. Been chopping on mangoes and enjoyed enjoyed my first of two nana-berry-cherry smoothies for the day so far; if I'm in the mood I'll have some watermelon later...

Been doing a lot of thinking and made quite a few decisions lately; let me see if I can drag some musings out of my head and place them on this page in a way that makes sense!
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1. Time to kick lifelong inferiority complex to the curb, baby!!!

I've known for a long time that I'd always felt like "less than", and I do mean always. I didn't have a voice that was worth hearing; didn't have a presense that was worth being around; didn't have an identity as an individual worth cherishing; it's one thing when you are treated like this but quite another when you have taken this into your very being as a core branch of your own Truth. In the past days and weeks my eyes have been widely opened to how damaging and pervasive this dis-ease is to my own soulgrowth. NOW I have come to not just see, but have become deeply aware that I am no less - or more - important than anyone else in this universe. I am an individual of tremendous worth and value, and deserve the best that life can bring my way!

It's so sad, but unconciously I had always held to the belief that I deserved to suffer, have hard times, have major drama and unhappiness in my life; that was JUST MY LOT and I'd just have to grit my teeth and make the best out of it... ALL LIES! Time to exorcise THOSE demons!!! ;} I came to the realisation Friday that it has already taken place to a large degree, but there is still a little ways to go in order to complete this process...
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2. Enough of waiting to love and accept myself fully; delaying happiness and self-worth until "when"...!

I QUIT!!!
I QUIT making myself so unhappy.
I QUIT placing unreasonable goals and demands on myself that really aren't mine to begin with, but someone else's.
I QUIT delaying my happiness / and lowering my self-worth by waiting until "something" happens: I'll feel better when I get a flat stomach, get my own place, find a good man...nuh-uh!!!***wags finger*** No more untils or whens; the only time that matters is

NOW.

So I accept who I am and where I am in my life RIGHT NOW. I am perfect and worthy and beautiful and loved and FULL right now. NOW. I am at the point where I need to be at this moment, and when that ceases to be true I would have moved on and expanded my bounderies elsewhere. What you fight and struggle against you only increase and empower; why fight against your perceived circumstances? Let go. Live in Let-Go and flow as gracefully, purposefully, elegantly as the water does. Gentle grace overcomes any obstacle. Ease-y does it!
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3. Says WHO???

Where is it written that I have to follow a certain script in order to be satified with my existance?
Have a certain career?
Reach a certain "milestone" by such-and-such an age???
And who says I have to do any of this stuff ANYWAY?!?
We each have our own path to tread, our own experiences to live, and my timeline and all that other jazz is mine alone. Unique. So what if I'm not married yet - or even dating? So what if I don't have a job as "important" as someone else's? That has no impact on the kind of person that I AM. Who I am. That stuff does not define my essence.

I've always ABHORED labels. Labels can be very devisive, especially in the way that the vast majority of society brandishes them. I won't even call myself vegan or a rwa-foodist - I eat what I like. Period. I am not going to be put in a box for "your" convinience and peace of mind - I don't feel the need to compartmentalise everything and everyone; when you do that, you're being lazy and inconsiderate, as then you don't have to take the time to truly understand it or them. I'm not label-ble! I am so far beyond that; so much more worthy than that, and THAT'S the Truth! ;} I alone will define myself, in a way that best supports ME...

Okay, enough wordage! I hope that's comprehendable enough, and I think that's all I need to say for right now. Needed to get that out of me, I guess! ;-} I am enjoying this journey of discovering who this little lady really is; under all the layers, who IS she?

Humnnnn...!

Have a great and insightful day, people!

Darn! Wasn't fast enough to make an edit!

Oh, well...Wanted to add that one of the greatest revelations I received this week was that outward things should have zero impact and influence on how I view and treat myself. He likes me and thinks I'm attractive? That's cool. She thinks I'm a loser, or that I'd be better if I did this or that? That's cool, too. What you think or say has no bearing whatsoever on who I am and on how I see ME. This was such a massive breakthrough for me that I'm still suckin' it all in...

Ain't life grand?! How wonderful that there is always room for growth and learning if we'd only take advantage of it!

Au revoir!

Wow, Soraya, that was awesome!!! I'm going to go back and read it a few times, because that was really insightful! I'm really glad you had that breakthrough!

Amen to all that and I second the motions! Beautiful! I do think I espy a beautiful butterfly breaking free from Many Cocoons. Those are all very super insights and breakthroughs, the kind that originate from a deep level. Sometimes there is still so much work to do to maintain and cultivate...and sometimes they are a 'clean' break and immediately very fulfilling...I am very happy for you....persevere! Onward!

Have you ever read "The Book of Mirdad"?

I still haven't heard about job, thinking it is probably not going to happen...in which case, I will have to set a date and pound the pavement looking for work. How I wish I could retire. I might as well get rid of that thought and deal with what is.

I got lots of cherries yesterday, organic and only 1.99/lb. I have more fruit now and am feeling secure about my food! How catalytic is this real food for inner change?! It is the physical key, leading to more profound and inner changes of 'health' and 'fitness' for living.

So, both of you gals, have a great day and I'm looking forward to more from both of you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you both! Thanks for the love! I'm definitely in metamorphosis, and you're right - there're a lot of cocoons this would-be butterfly has to break through!!!

I hope you had a great weekend, Sundancer!

Elakti, I've never heard of that book but I'll look it up once I'm done here for sure! I'd just asked about the job (in your blog), and just saw the answer...I'm still sure something great will come around for you soon, though!

I'd love to see organic cherries around here at that price - I'd have a gynormous cherry binge!!! HEAVEN!!!

Hope you two are having a marvelous day; it was so nice earlier that I took an impromptu break from work and went for a brisk walk!

Day 56
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Jeepers! How time flies!

Managed to get a few things yesterday, thank goodness; my fruit and green supply was looking RATHER pathetic ;-(), though I'm kinda 'off' of greens right now... I don't even want to LOOK at a Romaine leaf and the only way I can persuade myself to get some greens in me is if I juice them, which I haven't done for a couple of days now! I've had a tendancy of fluctuating from some greens, to no greens, and back again...*shrugs* Am not feeling watermelons anymore either, though I'm going to 'force' myself to finish the last bit of one I have in the fridge...

Got more olives, which I've had for lunch these past few days - JUST olives, nothing else! I just pop away until I don't want anymore, and these aren't little fellas; they're seeded and they're HUGE! I think I just facilitated someone else's addiction to them as well yesterday; I made a woman try them as we were both grabbing for containers, and she was in HEAVEN, couldn't believe how delicious they were! ;-) More mameys and mangoes as well, which are my other two major urges lately...and tomatoes. I actually happened upon some *unpasteurised* almond butter - YEA!!! - and yelped with joy. I haven't had nut butter in months, but have been feeling the urge for the past few days - may be partially emotional desire for more fat due to the intense emotional state I've been in lately - and something drove me to look at a different brand other than Artisana (which I'm unsure about) and there it was! It specifically says that it's unpasteurised. Jolly good show! I'm going to enjoy that with some brown rice/flax & seame seed/quinoa crackers (Mary's Gone Crackers), so I can kick the undesired potato chip craving to the curb!!!

Was thinking on the bus ride home...I really feel deep down that I need to avoid any TV at all for the next month, and to redirect that time to reading/study, writing and exercise. I don't watch as much TV as most people do, but have come to realise that the 'little' I do watch may not be so little at all, and that it isn't serving me right now - especially the news and 'gossip' shows. The news is depressing as hell and I'm basically plain tired of TV ... Not even the Olympics is exciting me, which I usually LIVE for (track & field events, volleyball, basketball and swimming are my favs usually)! That's getting discarded for now...

Though I'm a little heavy emotionally I'm in a great state of mind, and determined to work through this process thoroughly and with grace. I think I'm actually enjoying it!

That's it for now...have a great day, everyone!

Day 57
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Inspired by Elakti, and after being 'told off' by my body for way too long ;}, I have buckled down and committed myself to resuming an active yoga practice. I began doing Kundalini yoga some years ago, but have fallen out of the habit and have been paying for it, both physically and mentally / emotionally. I do have a VHS that I have used at times, and have a few of the set manuals, but decided to get a few DVDs as well in order to provide the extra "zing" under my lovely a.. to get the ball rolling! Sometimes it's easier - more motivating - to work along with something if you can't actually do it with someone(s)!

So I ordered 3 off Amazon.com on Tuesday and was given an estimated delivery date of Saturday BUT they came this afternoon...yea!!! ***applauds***. It's cool because the DVDs are by two teachers who actually taught at the NYC yoga center that I do volunteer work for some years ago, but eventually had to leave because they were in such high demand - Ravi Singh and Ana Brett. I took a few classes with them, and had a phenomenal time working my a.. off!!! Most fun and hard work you can have in 90 minutes! ;} This is one more habit that I am looking forward to be getting back into...

Have to sit down and come up with a workout plan and schedule; simple kettlebell drills at first, then implement full-on workout sessions with that - it's recommended that you not do more than 3 workouts a week, and I may just do two to start with - kundalini yoga, and then some tai-chi in the mix for variety and added stress relief / relaxation on the days that I need to take things easy.

On a physical level my aims are to regain flexibility, tone WAY up and add a decent amount of muscle mass. Release at least 6 more inches off my waist, and the fatty areas on my back and upper sides. Rev up my endurance and increase my lung capacity...

I'm almost finished that big container of olives I bought two days ago - I only have FIVE of the danged things left!!!! - and am thoroughly enjoying my mameys. Only have 2 mangoes left from the 22 that I bought at the same time (!), and am still enjoying my juice - carrot-parsley-spinach this morning... Now it's off to prepare dinner; feeling like avocado-tomato-y goodness...must see with what I'll pair that with...YUMMM!

Had another epiphany, and this time I think I've gotten to the very root of my lingering, increasing dissatisfaction with something that I couldn't - or wouldn't - put my finger on before...

I definitely have unmistakable physical manifestations of emotional issues: pharingitis when I'm reigning in something which needs to be said; plantar fasciitis when I'm feeling super insecure, unsteady, UNGROUNDED - I'll explain why I've said this in a minute. For the past couple of weeks especially somethings been brewing within, and while I'd gotten at some of it, there were deeper aspects that I was still afraid of becoming aware of...was definitely feeling more and more ungrounded... hence the devouring of crackers and almond butter to "weigh" me down, so to speak...After this afternoon's binge, however, I became hyper-aware of how this food was making me feel. Blocked up, heavy, blahhh; I wasn't even enjoying the taste or anything, just shovelling it in. How was that any benefit to me??? I got the remainder of the crackers, threw them into the garbage, and got a notebook and pen. Time to start writing. And then, I finally got it...

I'd had the most intriguing "dream" in the early morning, and it came back to me when I sat to write. I had plantar fasciitis again, and was using an ornately carved wooden cane to help me get around. I was walking out of a house with a friend, and as we came down the steps approaching the sidewalk, I noticed that the road was either entirely covered with or constructed out of cardboard cereal boxes which were opened and laid flat, brown (in)sides up. It had also been raining, so everything was wet and slick. That immediately rang a bell for me; instability, insecurity, not being able to stand...okay, but WHAT is the thing that's behind all this dis-ease I have?

Then I realised that I am not trusting myself.

How does this pertain to my raw lifestyle? There is some doubt about the validity of persuing this raw path; should I be doing this? Will I get enough______? Should I supplement? WHAT IF "EVERYONE ELSE" IS RIGHT? (And I get sick, blah, blah, blah...since this and that one knows people who went vegan and became very sick, so they had to eat dairy and/or flesh again).I sometimes do things in order to 'satisfy' or shut them up, but it was not what I wanted to do. And I resented them for it: I resented myself for being weak...

I realise now the tremendous struggle that it is to trust my own self. Period. Not trusting my opinions, deductions, decisions, in my abilities...THAT'S why I've been so stuck for far too long! The core belief is that I am not enough...that I need others' validation in order for my world to be at peace (which doesn't happen anyway, since what "they" say is so usually diametrically opposed to what I want/see). This nagging niggling I've been having is in large part unconscious frustration with myself for allowing my power to be taken from me - I've given it away all my life, and NOW...please! All the doubts I know are from allowing all the remarks and comments to get to me, from that need to not rock the boat / people please; in my heart and body I know that this way is best for me as an individual...I have to tweak it to fit my own specific needs but there is absolutley NO NEED for me to feel guilty or afraid of walking my own way. How come everyone else can do waht they want, but when I stand up to do the same suddenly it's this huge issue and I'm villified???

I'm sad, though, even though I'm happy that I've become aware of this truth at last. How sad it is not to trust in your own voice. Damn, no wonder I'm so darned afraid to trust in anything or anyone else; how can I when there's no trust in self to safeguard me??? This explains a hoard of issues and difficulties that I've been faced with over the years. And SO much fear, so many reservations...no wonder I've always felt so caged...

I am so grateful for THIS way...I have grown in ways that I couldn't even have dreamed of in the past few months. It hurts to look beyond the mirror, beyond the obvious, but man, is it worth it...

I am so grateful...

I am ENOUGH...

I AM ENOUGH!

That's a strong issue to confront, self-trust. It's a large subject and I don't know if I can tackle it, but I see you are moving right along with your self-discoveries. (I've had plantar fasciitis, wow! OWWW!)

It kind of boggles me right now...getting to the core of self-trust...perhaps that is what you are talking about and what you are doing.

I see you had your own personal tete-a-tete with nut butter and crackers (and me, with the evil seitan). I get "fed-up" (hmmm...) with myself and these 'detours', 'fallings & failings', and I guess I lose trust in myself at these points....whereas if I just look at it and see what I can gleam from it, let it go, pick myself up and CONTINUE TO TRUST IN WHAT I AM DOING AS IN PROCESS then I can go to the deeper level where the core self-trust is. Perhaps that first level of frustration and loss of faith in myself is just a foil, a trickster....if I can learn from it I can proceed on the path that I trust is right. The seitan was like a dacoit I met on the road, to overthrow so I can continue finding the right nutrition for my body. And, as for the other level, I am feeling some frustration and "hunger" ... the "trans" hunger type hunger, which I was trying to satisfy with a fork and my teeth.

Keep working on the self-trust and the autonomous self-integrity...those issues you mention are very familiar to me too, of giving away power, of sacrificing myself to please others and to be 'harmonious', of allowing self-doubt to come into play ...all that, all the shimmering borders between my own integity and the opinions and wishes of others, of almost becoming others out of a too loose identity and a too strong empathy. Much of this has improved and gotten healthier than in years past when I was so out of kilter. Now I mostly have issues with the crowd I call myself.

I enjoy reading about your self-discoveries and your musings and your breakthroughs and everything! Thanks for sharing it. I sure can relate.

You're into mangoes! And olives! I LOVE olives. I had a mamey once, in Tiajuana. Maybe it wasn't ripe or good...I didn't like at all. (the fruit that looks like a potato, you're talking about?)

I've had a few oranges and a few cherries. A little salad. Not much.

I'm feeling better.

Have great day...your exercise plans sound marvelous.

Ealkti, I'm glad you're feeling better; I definitely carried you in my heart today!

It sure seems like we're on the same track in a lot of areas, or at least have had to deal with a lot of similar issues. "Now I mostly have issues with the crowd I call myself"...that is CLASSIC! I just need to let you know that I'm borrowing that sentiment ;}

Sometimes I wonder about writing some of the stuff that I do, but then I think about how much it helps me to learn about others' diverse experiences, and to see that this lifestyle is so not just all about food; then this may help someone else in some way.

After posting the above I found myself jotting more stuff down in my journal. It's true what they say: be careful what you wish / ask for, 'cause you might just get it! I specifically asked my body a couple days ago to tell me clearly what was affecting it so, and man is it answering the question!

I'm gonna have to run tomorrow to see if I can score more mangoes, I want them SO badly... Mameys taste like sweet potatoes, yes, and it messed with my brain at first; this is a FRUIT?!? I love them now!

My "seitan" was raw goat cheese. It seems like whatever I did, whenever I thought I had the desire licked it would jump up and bite me. I just finally got fed up, too, but that was THE hardest thing for me to shake, even though I'm allergic to dairy!!! ;-()

Have a good one yourself...looking forward to reading more of your honest, beautifully expressive prose ;} Much love to you!

Hi Sweetie Pie
Been checking in a few times today, since I am in leisure these days, to see if you are here...hope you're having fine day. Thanks for your nice comments and your positive support.

And where are you Sundancer? Dancing I hope and preparing for your trip out west? Miss hearing from you. Is little one coming too, the whole family?

Been eating lots fruit today and feel better. May have a small salad now, a simple one.

Yes, did have a fine day, thank you! Spent a good portion of it watching the various DVDs that I bought, and had fun recognising some of the yoga kriyas (sets) that I have actually done before or have seen in one of my manuals...Early in the morning I'd zipped off to the market and got a pineapple, some fresh organic cherries (the price was not bad at all!), bunches of kale, three small romaine hearts, dark plums, blueberries, alfalfa sprouts, more mameys ;}... No mangoes, I'm afraid. They didn't look too hot to me, and were way too green...oh. well...

Lingered in bed a bit this morning, then did a bit of light housework before doing some yoga (oh how I have missed my practice! I feel sublime!!!),drinking a big glass of pineapple-apple-ginger juice, followed soon thereafter by a nana-berry-cherry smoothie. For a later juice I've put aside some carrots, kale, celery, collard greens, spinach and parsley - I may put a tomato in there as well. I'm increasing the ratio of greens to carrot juice in my "green" juices, but I don't know if I'll ever drink straight green juices anytime soon...I can't stomach the taste and still need that little bit of sweetness to help things go down!!!

Off to do a few minutes more of cleaning, then I'm burying myself back into Osho's Mind Body Balancing. I'm still buzzing so much from Yoga this morning that I may do another one later - or maybe a little Tai-Chi!!!

I wish I knew exactly what the time zone difference is between us...I still get a bit confused with that sort of thing, sometimes! So happy to "see" you and to know you're in a good place, now. I try to pop in a lot and see what's going on with you (and the Lady Sun ;} ) as well - I may see a post but sometimes not have the time right then to reply, but you can always feel free to say hi whenever you wish! I'll always get back to you somehow /sometime!

I hope you're having a wonderful day today so far...talk to you again soon, and keep up the good work!

What a lovely and balanced day you're having! I've had a nice day too. Feel very indrawn. I felt restless in my imploding mood and had a strong rebellious craving for pizza. I ate a large canary melon and feel satisfied.

You are 3 hours later than here.

We were thinking about going to yoga, but decided not to. May go swimming, haven't been in pool yet!

Hey chickies!!!
I haven't fallen off the face of the earth; just busy and taking some time to sort stuff out -- a lot of what Soraya has been posting about. Had a couple of busy work days. David bought a new computer, so he has been taking over the office with his new toy (it IS really cool!!!). Then he and little went to the lake house for the weekend, but I didn't go because I had to work, so I had the weekend to myself -- lovely, but I didn't know what to do with myself half the time!!! Went on a lot of walks, went out with some friends Sat. night, and read a LOT! I've been 60-75% raw lately -- not optimal, but I think I'll do better on my trip -- I always eat better and lose weight when I travel. Kind of ironic, huh? Had a lovely, very auspicious birthday (08-08-08), too. I've also felt like I have been spending way too much time on the computer and not enough in reality, so I took a break for that reason as well.

I love reading about your journeys!!! You have no idea how much reading about your journeys helps me with mine!! I may not post much for the next two weeks, though, because I'm going to California on Wednesday and won't be on the computer at all. I'm very excited -- it is my home, and I have been very disjointed since moving to Mass. and feel like I can be in touch with parts of myself that I cannot here. It sounds kind of weird, but it was such a shock to my whole being to move so far from everyone and everything I have ever known.

I'm gonna go read the other posts. Take care you two, and I'll catch ya when I can. Ciao!!

Good food & happiness mornings to you! Sundancer, nice to hear from you. Have a wonderful great trip, enjoy!

>I have been very disjointed since moving to Mass. and feel like I can be in touch with parts of myself that I cannot here. It sounds >kind of weird, but it was such a shock to my whole being to move so far from everyone and everything I have ever known.

Have a blast, Sundancer!!! And, no, what you said doesn't sound weird at all. When I first moved to NY, on my own, not knowing anybody or even where I was actually going, I cried my eyes out for the first year; EVERYTHING was foreign to me! So soak it all up, and enjoy your children and grandchildren!

I knew you were busy, and it's great hearing from you whenever you grace us with your presense; I am so grateful to have you with us! ;}

Morning yoga and my 'usual' pineapple-apple-ginger juice was how my morning began. During the next week I'll be practicing one particular kriya, commonly known the Basic back series; it seems easy enough, but there's nothing basic about it!!! After practice yesterday I was walking as if gliding; today, my whole bearing and carriage is completely transformed. My chest has opened up tremendously, my breathing deeper, my back muscles feel as if stretched and rebuilt on a different frame. I LIKE this a LOT!!!

Had to leave a little abruptly there for a moment!

Sundancer, I hope your quiet times & moments of clarity have been as revelatory as mine have been! How interesting - actually, maybe that's not the correct word, but it's not coming to me as of now - that we three are travelling our own but similar paths to self-discovery; I think that's one reason why we've connected in the manner that we have.
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I've come to the clearest realisation yet that the best way to feel grounded, especially when as ungrounded as I am (!), is through movement and experiencing yourself IN the body, that is why an exercise routine is so crutial to anyone who wishes to ground themselves, come to know who they truly are,and what they really can accomplish...Why I need to get my butt moving!!!

I've also come to see that all those things which I've spent so much time desiring to receive from others: love, acceptance, understanding, validation, respect, happiness, etc, are all things which I need to give to myself and NOT expect or seek from outside sources!!! It's great when those things are offered in a genuine spirit, but I need to understand MYSELF, validate MYSELF, RESPECT MYSELF (that's a biggie for me)...then you will appraoch people and situations with tempered and realistic 'expectations' - or none at all - freeing you to be yourself & less likely to be hurt or disappointed when things "go awry", as you are now seeing the world as it truly IS, not as the fantasy you envisioned or through the discolored lenses of your own, or someone else's, story... hope I've made sense...!

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Okay, I think that's it for now! I'm off again to carve into a mamey or two!

Beautiflly said. Yes, yes, yes!

You're having such a lovely response to yoga. Namaste!

Thanks, Elakti!

I am so enjoying this process, and am soaking in all that the yoga practice has to offer. I remember how fantastic I felt when this was a regular thing for me, and wondered why the HECK I didn't continue with this in the first place; then I realise that I couldn't, I just wasn't in the place (metally, emotionally) to do so. NOW I am!

I just wanted to say quick "Food morning!" to you ;}, and also to wish Sundancer safe and happy travels - have a wonderful visit, you beautiful Sun!!!

I'll pop in later to post properly here and in your place, Elakti...just wanted to spread a little love!

Sat Nam!!!

Was wanting something... and was getting frustrated because it seemed like I didn't want anything that I had here, but the carrot-kale-collards-parsley-celery-tomato juice that I finished a few minutes ago sure did hit the spot!!! Frustration vanished!

Today was quite different for me. After doing my Basic Spinal Energy yoga set and having my usual juice, I got the extra balls from somewhere to pick myself up and go to a Korean market about 10 minutes drive from my regular one. I DO NOT like going to new places, travelling new routes, etc, normally because it can be very anxiety provoking for me to the point of having panic attacks / sensory overload at times. But I wanted to go see if there were any items I could get here not available elsewhere and I knew that they do have a good range of produce - and I was desperate for some RIPE mangoes for a change - so I took a deep breath and ventured out.

I was fine-ish in the store itself. It's HUGE but I stayed mainly in the produce section so I didn't feel sucked in. I also allowed myself enough time to look around but not enough to have a meltdown. What I did have a problem with - and my MAJOR fear for why I've taken months to go here in the first place - was crossing over to the other side where the bus stop was and having to confront those damned traffic lights.

I HATE crossing strange streets. Especially strange streets with multiple traffic lights because you've literally got traffic coming from every conceivable BLOOMING direction at an incredibly busy intersection. PLUS, as I discovered in the middle of it, two sets of the lights weren't working, and you could bearly begin to figure out when you had the right-of-way to cross; someone else crossed one part of it with me (who is familiar with the area), and even SHE was confused!!! Even just typing about it I'm getting dizzy again. The cars and trucks passing by started swimming in my vision, the noises all blurred and bled into each other to a dull roar, and I knew it was going to go seriously downhill if I couldn't pull it together FAST.

Look down, pick a spot, belly breathe.

Looked up after a minute, swimming started again...

Look down, pick a spot, belly breathe. Ignore everything. You can do this.

Took a deeper breath, glanced up, sent out a quick appeal, "HELP!", and managed to navigate three road crossings in one piece; big sigh of relief. But I still wasn't quite calm until I arrived at my reg. market...

Yep. Went shopping at two places in the same day, something else I've not done in many months; it's a huge hassle with bags and getting on and off bus, and I am not doing the cab thing unless I have to - WAYYYYYY too much money right now...

BUT going to the asian store was worth it, I guess, because I did manage to find some large - and ripe - mangoes. Also picked up some sun-dried tomatoes, okra (something I grew up eating but have never tried raw, which should be interesting) and the golden kiwi. Their bananas are dirt cheap but I didn't get any since I had that other store to go to...***shrugs***

Grabbed a few things from my reg. place - Black Velvet apricots back in again! Hurray!!! - but need to go back to load up on bananas and (juicing) greens. May do that first thing tomorrow...

Felt the urge for orange juice, which I haven't had in a long time; may have Mineola juice for dinner tonight...humnnn, just thought about that and it sounds really, REALLY good to me!

Okay...I'm just about beat. Enough for one day! So I'm gonna go and, in no particular order - walk my big "baby" (woof!), feed my little old "baby", devour orange juice, and maybe do some reading if I can stop my head and eyes from doing the dance fandango (feeling a tad woozy - sensory stuff). The walk outside should help quite a bit in that regard. If I'm up to it, I'll zip back in later to check up on fair Elakti ;}.

Later!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/12/2008 10:18PM by Soraya.

New York must be quite a jungle for you! It would be too much for me, and you have the extra challenge, but you were a trooper! Sounds to me like you were practicing your yoga "off mat"-----very good.

And you could focus on the bounty of fruit! I want some of those apricots!

So, food evening to you, and relax, happy and curled up contentedly in your fruit basket.

Oh...you have no idea...there are many times over the years that I've wondered how I've been able to do certain things at all! It's really stretched and expanded my coping / adaptive abilities, though - sometimes too much, too fast! - and I've never totally lived on my own, but I'm grateful for what I can do because there are many who can't handle as much by themselves...

I wish I could give you some of my Black Velvets - I actually picked up a few more this morning!

Got my buttukus up, did 40 mins of yoga (my beloved Basic Spinal Energy...), made my usual smoothie and did my market run; got my bananas and lots of greens, a pineapple, a gorgeous pawpaw (papaya) that I will be introducing to my stomach very soon, and a couple other things. Walked home from the bustop with three bags, walked "my" HUGE puppy, drank some water...all that before 11:15 am! And now I'm off to do some cleaning and ironing...somewhere in there I'll make my pineapple-apple-ginger juice, a huge green/carrot juice (or two), and finish off that papaya, two mameys that are begging to be eaten, maybe a couple mangoes, and...it is time to actually try the ...kiwi! I'll post how THAT goes!!!

Later I have to take some measurements as a baseline to see how many inches I lose / gain in the next few weeks. I also want to record some benchmarks for comparison as well, like, how many pushups, etc, I can do in a minute, or how long I can jump rope for...things like that. I'm not really looking purely at pounds lost for the simple fact that I know I'll lose fat but gain muscle mass, and that could throw numbers off if you don't know which is which. So my main thing will be to look at inches lost instead, along with gains in strength, endurance, flexibility, and, of course, increase in muscle tone!

From the end of the week I plan to introduce longer, more vigorous yoga workouts, along with the kettlebell workouts twice a week...going for it full tilt, now!

I'm excited...it's so fun that I can't wait till I do my yoga in the mornings; it pulls me out of bed if I feel reluctant to at first!

YOU GO GIRL!

You are doing so FANTASTIC...

I will check in later, gotta run right now.

I await the Kiwi Bulletin. If you're not dazzled, you can throw in a smoothie.
Kiwi have a super duper amt of fiber...something like, 2 little kiwis equal a cup of bran. Good for intestinal elimination! And probably hundreds of good yummies for the cells.

Great day to you!

If someone had told me a year ago that I'd be eating the 'salad' that I just finished - shredded Romaine, sundried tomatoes and cashews only - with no dressing, and that I would be purring with satisfaction while doing so...I would have asked him/her what the 'frack' they were smoking! That was one of the best salads I've had in a long time!

Thanks for the encouragement, Elakti! And thanks for the info. on the fiber in Kiwi...I have to look into it more and see why I've got the urge for this thing...

If you happened to see strange objects in the sky earlier...or heard a mysterious sound...yep, you guessed it: pigs have been sighted flying all over the country. What caused this strange phenomenon???

I ate a kiwi.

At the first bite I groaned so loudly that I was SO happy I was home by myself!!! ;}

Then I ate a second one.

And a third...

And a forth...

And if any more of them were just a little bit softer they would've ended up joining the others in my tummy as well...

WHAT is going on with me??? Right now I'm either eating or juicing foods that I absolutely abhored and wouldn't even touch in more than thirty years...

Huh???

It's your FOOD! This is a happpppy thing, your tastes are opening to such healthy items from nature's bounty. You're going to be the fittest miss piggy anyone's ever seen. Pigging out on golden kiwis, what a marvelous thing considering what the Standard American Diner pigs out on. (certainly I am remembering what I've pigged out on, including my recent 10 rounds with gluten)

I ate more canary melon---exquisite. I almost bought golden kiwis when at People's last, but did not. Opted for papayas instead and I was just thinking this morning that papayas are out for awhile as well (until I am working). Ah, food prices. I go to People's and spend so much. And if I eat fruit the way that sustains me best at this point, it is darned expensive. I'm going to have to stick to the most reasonably priced. And People's organic produce has really spoiled me, I can hardly eat the grocery store fare. There is a farmer's market in OB on wed. eve. and next wed. I'll check out what they have now. I never could take advantage when I was working, and recent wed I either forgot or was at yoga.

Well, carry on, and talk to you later. Household chores, garden project.
I blended banana and humongous mango for breakfast. I thought might be going to yoga, but evidently my yogini pal is still slumbering.

Helllooooooooooooo!

How are you doing? I'm drinking smoothie, very yummy. I'm about to dash down to friend's house to see if she is up and about and crazy like me, hoping to go to that hellish marvelous yoga!

Have a wonderful day!

I'm doing great, thanks! For a while yesterday my stomach / elimination system was doing SOMETHING funky down there; not sure what was going on, but man did it get me frustrated a bit...feeling so bloated and practically living in the bathroom!!!Much better today, though, thank goodness!

Yesterday had a blast with yoga, then a very brisk dog walk; this morning did my first kettlebell workout (yea!!!) followed by a walk again. MAN have I realised how much I've missed being active! It was very humbling experience - don't know how to explain it. Not that I got my butt kicked or anything - not super sore either - but became so clearly aware of the fact that I've let so much slip from me; I love movement and activity so much that it boggles my mind let I have lived for so long without doing what I'm passionate about...which makes me think of all the other things I've let dwindle, atrophy, drift away...must not make those same mistakes again, must ensure that I live the rest of my life in a manner that is affirming, empowering, fulfilling, authentic, passionate and freeing...

I love that you are enjoying your yoga so much ;] I smile evrytime I think about that!

I'm off to do a bit of housework - but before that I must tame the hungry beast that is my stomach...