Hello, all,

Last year's resolution was to improve my spirituality, and I did (funny, when I prayed for inner peace and contenment, I confronted drama, agitation and circumstances beyond my control). This year I'm working on selfconfidence...

You see, I've historically ended up defining myself and happiness by what I did for a living, how I looked walking out of the gym (am I cut, am I fat, etc), the girl I dated or by the adulation of others by given accomplishments. Now, I'd like to simply be me, confident, whether someone approves of me or not (not to imply that I'll simply run about being a knob... but... you get what I mean).

So, my question to you is this, have you dealt with this in your life? If so, what did you do (not do) to become selfconfident?

I'd really like to know.

Thanks,

Arilraw

-I learned to judge myself based on the quality of the VERY SMALL goals that I set....and that I kept....and not specifically on outcomes. I find that whether I feel good/successful or not depends very little on outside circumstances......but rather on the honesty, practicality and circumspection of the personal goals I set. If I meet even ONE of the small goals I set in a day...I feel GREAT. If I do extra...even better! If I actually achieve something good...even better! If I actually help someone...even better! If not...no biggie. It's all about overcoming our 'control dramas' anyway...and focusing on the only thing we can ever REALLY do anyway: Putting one foot in front of the other. Shufflers and sprinters both do the same thing.....sprinters are just more conscious of their movements.

-One does not become fearless by the defeat, suppression, avoidance or elimination of fear. But rather by accepting fear as the potential price of admission to our greatest dreams/passions.....and thus showing basic 'friendliness' and 'spaciousness' to those fears.

-Great self-confidence is also achieved by setting firm dignity boundaries....especially with loved ones, family & friends....who may be used to arbitrarily blurring and walking over our dignity boundaries....and thus inflicting their 'control dramas' on us.

-What do you think?

-David Z. Mason

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

Hi arilraw,

I wasn't much of a confident guy in this 5'7" and 110 pound body frame and I didn't become more confident than I was until I read an article on newspaper.

When the writer of the article was still a kid, she got into a competition but didn't manage to win any prizes and got really upset. After she reached home, her father found out about it and told her: "Show me your fingers... which one of the fingers is most important to you?". His father continued: "The middle finger may be the longest while the thumb appears to be the shortest, but the thumb is never less important than the middle finger right? The little finger may looked insignificant as well but it's still as important as your middle finger right? And you are just like this little finger, and others are similar to the rest of the four fingers. You may not be as outstanding as they are in certain aspects but you are definitely equally important!"

All the Best,
Wong

Hello,

Thanks for the responses, they're supportive and helpful.

I saw this moring that there were a fair number of "views" to this thread, but only three responses, including this one (mine!).

Hopefully those who viewed have their answers currently dehydrating, and in a few hours, they'll be ready.

Thanks,

Arilraw

arilraw Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hello,
>
> I saw this moring that there were a fair number
> of "views" to this thread, but only three
> responses, including this one (mine!).
>


It could be that they too are seeking the same answer as you are, but didn't feel comfortable asking about it, but are grateful that you did.

Wishing you vibrant health

Arilraw,

I think at one time or another everyone has grappled with the concept of self-confidence.

If one defines self-confidence, it is faith in oneself. The development of self-confidence begins in infancy when the parent relays love and encouragement onto the child such that the child can have confidence to do on their own. Where lack of love, encouragement, or fear was present, issues with self-confidence began.

In adulthood, we can choose our thoughts no matter what history has presented. I like to think of self-confidence in adulthood being tied to one's concept of happiness, success, and spirituality. If the goals are aligned spiritually and the goals were chosen to make one happy, then one can have abundant self-confidence in achieving. You define your own reality of who you are and that which expresses your highest self. As you progress and you are happy with the progress of your self, you are self-confident. This doesn't mean that self-confidence doesn't falter but that one is on one's way of achieving one's wholeness.

If at the end of a lifetime, one can say that one has achieved some high points, satisfaction in oneself can be derived. Hope that helps. Therese

i too think that fears are just numerous OPPORTUNITIES that allow the strengths and light within us to be revealed when they are overcome... and this is the way to build self confidence

i think that taking steps to confront what i fear ( in a judicious , safe, practical and meaningful way) is tantamount to elevating " life force" as well


i really believe it

the times when i have been afraid of something , whether it is confronting a person about a certain issue or speaking up for myself or requiring that this and that take place i certainly was not without fear ( there was a decent amount of it circulating in my veins) however...

i think that when i went into the scene EXPECTING the best
most times it did happen and other times it simply didn't
but i always seemed to increase my self respect simply by going THROUGH what i feared and giving myself that opportunity to challenge my perspective as to what could and couldn't be done ( whether that achievement was emotional, perceptual or otherwise)

like DMZ said, it doesn't really matter that the outcome is achieved in exactly the way i saw fit
there have been an equal amount of times when i have not been able to affect the outcome i wanted as there have been times when i was

but even those times when i was NOT able to affect the outcome, i was THRILLED that i went through the process of overcoming my fears in order to achieve what i wanted... i can't control the decisions of other people but i CAN take steps to try and fulfill a vision

overcoming my fears is not really "OVERCOMING' because they may still crop up from time to time ... and sometimes certain core fears don't really go away completely ( like being afraid of heights...people can still climb a dizzyingly tall mountain over and over again and just be "less" afraid of falling off the slippery icy slopes but perhaps never completely "overcome" it but nevertheless this still allows them to build up their confidence little by little)

i too think that building confidence has to do with acting in integrity to what YOU think is "integrity" because in my experience the same action has been disagreed upon by other people as to whether or not it was "integrity"

so, i think, for myself, it is important to define what it is ( for myself)
as it is probably different for everybody

i kind of see it like a game
like i say to myself "okay... let me do THIS ( which scares the daylights out of me) and see what happens and how my soul will change

i have yet to regret anything

but i am pretty careful about what i pick and choose to take on
some things can simmer in the dehydrator for years ( and i won't ever bother to see if those fearful flaxseed crackers are ready...)

and other things, i know is going to cause me great grief if i don't confront them so sometimes i break it up incrementally and spread it over time

like for example, say i was afraid of heights ( like SUPER HIGH heights)

so instead of saying " geeez. let me climb mt everest tomorrow so i can "overcome" my fear


i could spread it out to "hmm... i am going to climb one "small" mountain this year
and if it goes okay, maybe i will climb another one that is a little taller afterwards

and it goes like that
little by little

it actually does work

and when u accomplish that inner confidence that has been earned by your sincere efforts to overcome a certain thing , no one can rob, steal or take it away from you

its all yours

and i get such a rush from the "tiniest tiniest" little thing that i do that i set myself to do and i do it ( ha ha.. its true..don't know why it is )

its the coolest game
but i think that everyone must decide for THEMSELVES what fears they ought to overcome, how and WHEN

don't ever let someone else dictate to you how you ought to go about doing it
this game is all YOURS

i call it a game because it seems like it to me sometimes
but i see a lot of things like that
so....

david mason

<<One does not become fearless by the defeat, suppression, avoidance or elimination of fear. But rather by accepting fear as the potential price of admission to our greatest dreams/passions.....and thus showing basic 'friendliness' and 'spaciousness' to those fears.>>

fears are my friends
not my foes
heee

love what u said above !

also like what u said about feeling "GREAT" if you just achieved ONE thing and if u achieve one extra thing, even better and if you helped someone even better

that is cool

and i thought i was the ONLY one that felt "GREAT" if i just did "one" little thing

ha ha (wink)

Ha! ha! Hey LaV! Yes. I keep waiting for someone to point a bony finger my way....and go....how can he BE so happy? He DOES so little....LOL. (of course, that's not the case)

-David Z. Mason

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

When I was in college I lacked self-confidence, partly because I had some fairly bad acne and came from a superficial world where physical perfection is ridiculously overstated. But then I had a class with another student who changed everything for me. This guy literally had the worst acne I had ever seen in my life, the kind that makes people dread showing their face, but he walked around like he was the greatest thing that God had ever invented. He always walked tall and spoke up in class. He'd even crack jokes and sometimes they'd fall flat, but he'd keep coming back for more. It was almost as if he wanted people to look at him, like he was proud of this superficial physical trait that all of America has defined as "unattractive." Sometimes, it felt like he was outwardly laughing at the convention which told him that he was ugly. I found this to be the coolest thing I had ever seen in my life, especially when I realized how appealing other people found his confidence to be. He had taken a condition where he was supposed to lack confidence, and completely flipped it in his favor. That guy became one of my best friends, and over the years he taught me that brazenly ignoring convention and being oneself is the most beautiful thing a person can do. Through him, I also had it confirmed in me that our struggles, although incredibly difficult, are where we grow. I think if anyone can find it in themselves to be that guy I just described, they'll be more than okay. Good luck.

On the path that I walk, I view self-confidence or lack of self confidence both as aspects of the ego (seemingly opposite but really the same aspect). Both arise as a result of a story, an image or drama in the mind. We are acting based on fear, judging ourselves and comparing ourselves with others.

Our minds create a false illusion that others have something more or better than we do and that we are not good enough, so we play mind games to try to alter that. This occurs on many levels. "Others are more attractive then I am", "Others dance better than I do", "Others have better relationships or sex than I do", "Others have a better house or a better car", "Others have a better blender than I do", "Others have less pain than I do".

So what is the alternative to these mind games? When it comes down to it, we're all faced with the same challenge. Life. The reality is that life includes pain, and discomfort as well as peace, joy and bliss. The next guy doesn't really have it any easier than I do, even though my mind will tell me that he does.

The alternative that I choose is a practice of presence and consciousness.

When we are present, we are fully available to experience whatever the universe brings us in each moment. So when things don't go as our minds think they should, we are still able to return to a place of stillness to be with the feelings that are coming up. It's a practice of surrender instead of anger, judgement and resistance.

The question one might ask, is how can I implement this? Here is where consciousness comes in. Everything we do in our lives, every interaction with another person is an oppurtunity to practice consciousness. As we become more experienced at this practice we are able to watch our own actions and use our "mistakes" as lessons so that we may interact more skillfully next time. When we learn to accept our own humaness, the experience of things not going the way we would like becomes much less painful.

With practice, we start to experience less pain from resistance and begin to have more peace joy and bliss in our lives.

Oh, and yes, choosing to play with things that we fear is an incredible practice of presence and teaches us that we don't need to listen to the screaming noise of our minds. It is a wonderful opportunity to explore the unknown.

I suggest the audios, videos and books of Eckhart Tolle and possibly adyashanti as a place to start for those who are not already working with a teacher.

[youtube.com]
[youtube.com]
[www.eckharttolle.com]
[www.adyshanti.com]
[www.amazon.com]

Nataraj