(The story is a bit long, to warn...)

I've felt for the past few days that my body has started on new stages of healing. Some things about me have been looking better, feeling better, and the familiar detox feelings (usually very clogged nose/sore throat upon waking up) have faded. But now I get to experience new symptoms.

Yesterday, I just felt crummy. I usually feel crummy very suddenly, after days of eating great, feeling great, then--cleaning time! I also had kind of a tiring day at work.

I came home, ate three bananas, and then juiced a bunch of oranges. Logically, this was enough to fill me--I had more than adequate nutrition, but I wanted something else, psychologically.

Sprouted lentils would have hit the spot. But I had none. They would have also been grounding enough to distract me from my crummy mood, which is what I think I was really seeking. The resulting plan was to seek out some organic, preservative-free hummus.

I went to two different grocery stores (this was late, my options were limited), and had no luck. I sat in the parking lot of a third thinking about how I could just get a can of dead chick peas, and use the rest of the raw ingredients to make a hummus. But the thought of chick peas in a can was honestly revolting. I didn't want that smell, that texture, that taste, it didn't compare to REAL FOOD that I've been getting my body used to.

It would have been easy to buy something processed--but ALL the ingredients in prepackaged food would have been subject to heat, and were probably a lot more nutritionally damaging, compared to me being able to control the variables and making my own. I didn't want any if I had to see any lesser ingredients--

and then I realized, because processed food is made to taste so good (or overwhelm our natural tastes with unnatural amounts of fat/salt/sugar, we get addicted), and because we don't see HOW it is made, we can confabulate whatever stories and reality-patches we want, and continue eating this food even if we know on some level it's not good for us. It's SO much easier to disconnect.

After my revelation, I drove home. I still had bean sprouts and goji berries which seemed mildly appealing. By the time I got back inside, I started feeling worse and worse. I started to cry, I needed to cry. This storm of feelings welled up inside me and I couldn't STOP crying. I realized how important it is to deal with emotions immediately, directly, and not distract ourselves with food--even something awesomely healthy. It was like some filter inside my conscious mind had been removed, and I could feel all the emotional pain from the day that needed to come out. It was so real, more real than any pain I've felt in YEARS (because it usually accompanied some kind of numbness). I also became acutely aware of all the pain from all the other times in my life that I have ignored, subdued, transmuted--all of this pain, from 22 years of life, that instead of having the release of direct expression, found its way stuffed into denial, music, physical activities, arguments, sex, eating, drugs, whatever.

I felt all of that pain, all at once. If I could have disappeared into a forest miles away from any human contact, I would have--and just screamed. I wanted to scream and scream and scream until I couldn't scream any more.

I had to settle with a huge cry, much bigger than my usual "big cries," I think I probably sounded like a seal. My boyfriend managed to come over by the end of it, and I was so grateful to have him there. He kept asking what was wrong, and I told him it was some part of detox, an emotional, purge, an awareness of how I've bottled my feelings--how society teaches us to utterly disregard our true feelings--for my entire life, but I don't really think he understood. Even if he didn't, he still stayed with me, which was great.

And I slept pretty intensely, too. I can't wait until all of this is out of me. :O

wow! that's awesome that you got all of that out. how do you feel now?

[utopiankitchen.wordpress.com]

Wow!
That is very interesting.
I too have had those crying purges through the years.
One lasted for several hours.
Luckily no one was home and I was done by the time they did come back.
I do believe its some sort of emotional detox.
Having them now.
Brian

I definitely feel clear today. It was myself's way of telling me that I need to deal with things openly, honestly, and immediately. I've seen alternative healing sites talk about a "cancer-prone personality," and part of that includes keeping everything inside--so you can get extreme manifestations.

That was by far the most emotionally intense raw moment I've had so far. Raw emotion, even...

I heard this interesting theory once - goes along with "You are what you eat." Basically, if you feel emotionally bad, and eat a cookie or something, that cookie not only goes along to form cells in your body, but so does the emotions felt while eating it, until that cell is replaced.

I often wonder if that's why people have such a hard time loosing weight. You get to a point - well pregnancy weight is a good one - pregnancy is VERY emotional and you do a LOT of emotional eating. To work it off (body uses those cells for fuel) all those emotions come flooding back. That's when people fall off the diet wagon.

It's a vicious cycle.

There's not much place in society for these big fits of crying grief. It's only "normal" to grieve with death, divorce, you know, something major and socially acceptable.

Good for you for going through it - it's TOUGH. My bf saw me through one of those things and he eventually ended up thinking I was a little nuts. LOL


Me (30), Joseph (24 mo.) Jeremiah (4 mo.)

We are enjoying spring and being outside!!!

yes i was having a time for the last couple weeks where i started munching more and more at unnecessary times like when i wasn't hungry at all, mostly on sweet things. i kept trying to tell myself to only eat a certain kind of food, like greens, all day, and i would always fail horribly by indulging in 5000 different treats. eventually i just decided to do a 3 day juice fast just to CEASE, then i had some kiwi and banana

Phantom,
I am so glad you posted this! I applaud you for sitting through your feelings, and I guess the reason I am so glad you posted is because I feel that it is coming for me! I await it with some fear and anxiety, but to know that you are now on the other side looking back with wider eyes and a calmer mind relaxes me a bit. I have numbed my feelings with food for years, and more years on top of those. I am slowly challenging myself to accept and feel. It is an incredibly long and difficult process, but this reminds me that it WILL be okay. This was really hopeful for me. I am going to bed and will end my night with this. Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching, beautiful experience. I hope a similar experience will find me soon

Phantom, that was beautiful, thank-you for shareing it. It is hard to get in touch with your feelings. I have been numb for so many years I think I forgot just what feelings are. Being raw sure has opened that can of worms for me, I wonder if that is the reason I went back to cooked during the holidays as that is a very emotional time for me.

You know, if you find it to be torture to do without regular food, maybe you should allow yourself the occasional indulgence and not beat yourself up.

95% good stuff 5% junk is still way better than what most people eat. And it really does show over time. Up until about the age of 35 most people look good/healthy. But after that, many people get the face/body/health they deserve.

Wow, Phantom! That was incredible. I'm so glad you were able to release those stored emotions and that you shared it with us. I'm in the same boat as veggiefreak. I know I still have a lot of emotional detox to get through. I've found the emotional detoxing to be far greather than the physical detoxing, so far.

Much love and peace to you! Thanks for sharing with all of us!

Lots of love,

Wendi
XOXOXO

one time someone asked me if they could pray for me

i thought " why not?... it wouldn't hurt"

and i thought i was feeling just FINE!

and the prayer was so sincere and beautiful

and i started SOBBING! and it was out of control

that happened to me TWICE

both times it was when someone was praying for me

i don't understand what happened

i probably never will

maybe sincerity , true caring and understanding cuts deep

deeper than words can tell

weird how i forgot all about that event

oh.... i have to say actually that happened THREE times

the third time was when someone was trying to do an energy healing on me when i was in a lot of physical pain

and they were doing it for no reason than because they cared

and once again

couldn't stop crying

and it was a group healing thing

and i'm glad i had sunglasses in my purse

and kleenex

because the tears would not stop

i was healed totally approximately 3 weeks later

i don't know if it had to do with the energy healing that the healer did

all i know is that the pain is gone

and frankly that's all i care

i still don't know what happened

or why i couldn't stop crying

strange, isn't it?

usually i wish i could cry when i'm feeling bad but the tears just don't come

usually i wish i could cry when i'm feeling bad but the tears just don't come

This is where I am at LaV....hoping it all changes and the dams break.

I am so comforted by what you wrote, and feel happy that you are no longer in pain. Totally amazing story. Out of curiousity, was it back pain? Regardless, a very powerful transaction of energy for sure.