hello after a long departure to any old posters who may remember me. i came to this forum two years ago looking for support and was nurtured by many optimistic and hopeful people who helped guide me through my transition to rawfoods.
now, though, i find myself facing the same demons once again.
before i started raw, i suffered from derpression, weight issues, skin problems, and bulimia/binge eating. like many, i was afraid to go raw... afraid that it wouldn't work for me because my case was so severe (at least it felt that way to me... like the real me was irretreivable.) afraid that if rawfoods did work, that i would never be able to have a close personal relationship with anyone, because my diet would be considered strange, annoying and extreme, and that it would create a chasm between myself and another. but most of all i was afraid of myself... fearing that i would end up undermining myself and end up committing self-destruction, like i always do....
this is the issue i am facing now.

when i finally decided to set my fears aside, and realized that what i thought of myself (in terms of self-respect and value) was more important than what others thought of me, after about a year i began to reap the benefits of eating raw foods. i completley stopped binging and purging; i became physically and mentally comfortable with myself, and no longer suffered from depression.. which i had previously been fighting for three years. you can see my before and after photos at the bottom of my post... i went through alot throughout that year of cleansing.

lately i have been under alot of stress in my life. i have two jobs, one of which is an internship which is extremely important to me; i am still in high school trying to pull straight A's in seven different classes; i have little to no relationship with my parents, who am living with and who are currently getting divorced; and i am going through some emotional hangups, that i've had since my childhood.... one of which is that i am becoming my parents, in every worst way possible.

throughout the past eight months i have been vigorously working on undermining myself, in terms of my nutritional health. Eight months ago, my instincts were telling me that it was time to transition to a more fruitarian, less fat, way of eating. Since then i have been doing the complete opposite, eating more and more fats, processed raw foods, constantly throughout the day. I have let my emotional whims control me, and now my physical, as well as emotional state is suffering, with fear being the root cause.

what i've come to realize is that i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. but lately every time that i've told myself that enough is enough, it never is. i continue to let my emotions sway me, and now i am sliding backwards int the pit that i worked so hard on crawling out of.

i am sorry if it sounds as if i am complaining, because that is not my intention... it just feels good to write this out... i don't normally share my issues with anyone.

anyway,
is there anyone out there who could offer some words of wisdom, optimism, or a realistic outlook to a girl who is in a gloomy state of mind? any input would be very much appreciated.
thankyou :]


here are my photos:
before-

after-

Being sick and tired of being sick and tired is an excellent way to move towards health and healing. This was a starting place for me. After that, observing and getting conscious of my emotional issues and the underlying spiritual issues helped and is helping me get free of my pain that prevents me from fully enjoying life.

I think it's very hard to see these issues without external help. Books like Byron Katie's "Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life" or perhaps Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" might help. But there is no reason to do it on your own, there are many healers who can help.

One practice that has always raised my spirits and given me energy is hatha yoga. Its a combination of deep breathing and getting my mind quiet that brings me back to the bliss. What has also helped me was to take the yoga practice away from the classroom and bring it into my home and into a personal practice. Its best to get the yoga from personal transmission, but a good book on yoga is "The Heart of Yoga: Developing a Personal Practice".

Hi Fuzzy. I remember you.

It's good that you came back here to post. When we post, we write down our feelings, hopes, goals, disappointments, etc., and causes us to examine ourselves. If you read your post, all your answers are right there in front of you.

Even veteran raw foodists have setbacks. Many of our veteran raw fooders have gone through these setbacks before they finally got it right. I think we are more likely to experience these set backs during times of stress.

The important thing is, you know that a high raw food lifestyle will work for you like it has for others. Your experience taught you that your body is capable of healing too.

Here's something I've recently learned: You can't always take the stress out of your life, but you can take yourself away from the stress. Life can be stressful. We can't always avoid the stress. But it's important to take a break from it. I'll take a day for myself. I won't answer the phone on that day and I'll spend that day doing the things that bring me the most joy. I'll hang out in my pajamas, drink tea, do Yoga, play guitar, etc.

Your "after" picture looks great. You look so healthy and peaceful.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/29/2008 07:37AM by roxeli.

fuzzysox,

I was just reading about that book bryan mentioned above..The Power of Now.
It does look like a good one.

I am certainly not a wise old sage,but the Universe loves you,and I believe we can all climb out of our holes when we can see that..

Brian

Hi fuzzysox,
Your before and after pictures are a real testament to the power of raw. Your pictures speak for themselves about the beauty & health that comes from within when you feed your body the right fuel. I had a major slip too and it taught me one lesson that is probably obvious to others but I needed to experience it for it to be obvious to me. I learned that I need to exert enough control of myself to avoid the first bite of SAD food and the problem was solved. I know that sounds easy but it really does eliminate the problem because without the first bite of SAD there isn't a second bite. It is so much easier to say NO to the first bite then it is to claw your way back up the slippery slope to get back on your journey's path to a radiant, healthy, raw you. The best part is as you have victory saying NO the battle gets easier and easier and in a relatively short period of time the battle is won and its smooth sailing. Experts say that habits are established in about three to four weeks. It took about four weeks for me to be free of the cravings again and they have not returned. I sure hope you win so that you can live your life looking radiantly healthy like your second picture. :-)

Everyone else is saying great things. I want to add: Be proud of yourself -- you are doing amazing things with your life and seem very driven. I admire that! Don't beat yourself up too much about "becoming your parents"; you share many qualities with them, but you are you. We all battle with this. When I was twelve my parents split up because my dad was abusive. I have many of his traits, and my mom used to tell me I was just like him, which rattled what little self esteem I still had. I had to tell myself that I have his good qualities, but I have the choice whether to have the bad ones or not. I chose to go through a lot of counseling and listen to them so I could be a functional person (and eventually a functional parent), because I sure wasn't learning that from my parents! I chose to parent myself at that point (15) and basically took the ball. 32 years and four kids later I can say that I have done a much better job with my life and kids than they did, and my kids and I all have great relationships. So chin up, honey; you have a lot to be proud of!

thankyou everyone for replying :]
some of you i remember, like sundancer, roxeli and brian, and some of you who posted are new to me, but just as kind and supportive... thankyou

brian,
i am so glad that you replied... you always have something sensible and intelligent to offer, and i really need that right now. like you said, becoming conscious of underlying emotional and spiritual issues is a huge step towards healing... i have known for a long time what lies beneath, rooted in my soul... the things that are eating away at me.... i just don't know how to release these thoughts once and for all... i don't know how to do it, and that is why, i believe, that the same issues keep occuring in my life; self-destruction, self-hatred, feelings of imperfection, and a sadness about myself (selfishness, irresponsibility, etc.) that i see everywhere else in the world. i partly feel as if i have so much to do, and so much to fix... but i'm just not strong enough to do it... so i give up.
i realize, as you have pointed out, that there is no real reason i have to do this on my own, but developing trust in others is a big issue i have struggled with all my life. i don't even trust myself, so how could i ever be expected to trust another? this is the reason i have yet to have a relationship with the opposite sex.i fear that i will eventually end up doing more harm to that person, than good, and that is why i have obstained from getting involved with others. i think that it is a better idea for me to get myself together, before i welcome someone else into my life.... but the result is that i always feel alone.
anyway, sorry for getting off topic,
i greatly appreciate your book reccomendations, and will look into getting a copies of both Byron Katie's book and Tolle's "The Power of Now", like you and Raw1228 suggested.
I think it is interesting that you brought up the subject of hatha yoga, because this is something i have been seriously considering getting into within the past couple of weeks, but never knew where to start... though thanks to you, now i do.

roxeli,
i remember you too :]
thankyou for your words of wisdom... you are right, all the answers are right in front of me. i guess it is just an issue of lack of self-nurturance/ trust, and support from others. these were the same issues i had when starting raw; i found that there was no one i could truly lean on, at least in terms of those who were closest to me - my family. i felt as if i only had myself, which would mean certain failure, because i had developed a past record of being unreliable. but i held steadfast and succeeded, without them. and i guess that when the right person comes along, they will accept me for who i am, and not ridicule or judge me, but love me and support me, when i need it most.
you have learned a very great lesson, which i myself am still trying to properly deal with. something that i am trying to get over is the urge to punish myself after what i consider as falling short under the pressures of life... when i don't do something as well as i expect myself to, i tend to go into self-destrucion mode... i am trying to get to a similar state than where you are; forgiving myself and relaxing after times of stress rather than punishing.
thankyou for reminding me of this.

Brian a.k.a. Raw1228,
you certainly are a wise old sage to me... before your post i hadn't really been paying atttention to the signals the universe/god was trying to send me. Recently a neighbor of mine has offered me 12 citrus trees to go and gather as much fruit as i want from, and someone else has recently offered to transplant a fig tree into my yard, that they no longer want. Also, all of my coworkers at my internship/ new job have been supporting me, not about raw foods, but just being kind and giving me messages like "Everything takes time but if you work on it and are kind to yourself, you will excell in whatever you do in no time."
this probably seems silly to you... just a girl snatching at straws.. but i think you are onto something.

EZ Rider,
you have a very valid point, establishing self-control is the greatest asset i can give myself... i am just afraid that i will get out of control with self-control, which has happened to me before. When i begin questioning my instincts, and that still small voice whispering in my ear, is when i begin to get in trouble. I tend to swing back and forth between extremes... and the only time i've ever been truly happy is when i tuned out all the other voices and focused on the one that was positive, calm and reassuring... i was listening to that voice in my second picture. thankyou for the compliments, and reminding me that habits can change and that self-control, especially when practiced on itself, is a good thing.

Sundancer,
i very much resonate with your story and life experince... my mother and father constantly tell me that i am like each other, in every negative way... this is something i have run from my whole life. as a child i used to tell myself that i would rather die than be like them when i grew up, and now i feel like have become my own worst nightmare. sometimes i look in the mirror and i don't see me, but my mother and father,and i am disguisted with myself...
your post has reminded me that i can change... and in order to do that i have to accept and forgive them.
thankyou foor giving me hope, through your story, and allowing me to remember that i will always have a part of them in me, but that doesn't mean i cannot be myself.

i know i've said thankyou quite often throughout this post, and i am sure you all are quite sick of reading it, but i write it with total sincerity.... you all are helping me realize that i can do this, and that i am not alone.

Don't be ashamed of having had an eating disorder. I think a lot of people hide from it or don't speak openly about it, which is partly why they continue to be a problem. I used to binge and purge, and I find if I get that urge, if I eat some gourmet raw, it helps me feel "complete," if that's the right way to describe it, and I feel better again and the desire goes away. I think once you have done so and became bulimic, those feelings and desires to purge are hard to get rid of, so you have to learn to do something, like go shopping, or treat yourself to raw ice cream to make yourself feel better.

Much love!
Feel free to email me.
You look great~

wow - those pictures should be motivation enough!
WHAT a difference!
BUT if you need a kick start and want to educate yourself and want to get off the ground running and are seriously feeling the way you describe you NEED to come spend some time at the ANN WIGMORE institute!
IT is SO worth it..
I am here to curb my addiction to cooked grains...
Results...we will see..
BUt it is really nice to be enveloped by like minded people!!

They uncook for you
They clean your dishes..

All you do is eat raw food and take classes practically ALL DAY of how to do it all at home!!

pack your things and COME!!!

hey fuzzy ! glad to see you are back all the above comments and suggestions are great ones so need for me to say the same things

i know you are feeling overwhelmed by your parents negativity so all i can suggest is spend as little time around them as you possibly can , unfortunately they are so mired down in their own battle they cant see what it is doing to you, maybe decide what are your most urgent 2 or 3 issues right now to deal with and start finding people around your that can help you with those issues rather then being bogged down by too many things that you cant do anything about right now.

and fuzzysox you dont need to become anybody you dont want to be , just because your parents are setting a bad example at the moment doesnt mean you will follow in their footstepss

i hope you stick around

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Welcome back, Fuzzy! You AREN'T slipping backwards! That's part of the journey. It's ok to 'fail'. All of us do it in some aspect of our lives.
Just pick yourself up when you're ready and continue back on raw. Start eating fresh fruits and greens as soon as you can.
You've already shown more maturity and sense by eating raw than most people your age.
At least, each time you slide into "the pit that (you) worked so hard on crawling out of" you're going in with more information and experience. Which makes getting out easier.
Maybe you should try to find a raw group in your area to get some support.

When your parents say to you that you're just like the other one, you can gently point out "Well I was born with those genes but you married him/her so what does that say about you"?
A book you might want to check out is " Full Catastrophe Living" by J. Kabat-Zinn.
Good luck!

Great messages from everyone, just wanted to add my little grain of support

Well done and keep it up! You're doing incredibly well.

Cheers,
J

Hi fussy, Thanks for asking for help. You have many here that are rooting for you.

You sound like you're burnt out and too stressed. You have priorities that conflict with your goal of optimal health/wholeness for you and you also have parents that are battling their own demons right now. Re-focus on what is your top priority and concentrate on that. You should be balanced with your career, social, life, spiritual goals. The don't all have to happen at once. I read "The Three Boxes of Life" and it boiled it down to School, Work, Retirement. It didn't hit upon the spiritual or physical/mental health aspects but that are important, too. The three boxes were what the author thought were the 3 most important stages of life. You decide what are yours and create a harmonious balance.

You decide who you want to be. You may have influences around you, focus on the good and leave the bad. While that sounds simple, it may be challenging at times not to wallow in the pity, anger, and confusion.

Even though, adults are supposed to know better, they don't always know and do. Allow them some space and focus on yourself. You are probably being asked to take sides. Remain in truth of who you are and what you believe in.

I wish you the best. Therese

Hi fuzzysox,
Actually I've been wondering about you lately and thinking of one of your posts. It was something about you riding a bike and dropping a watermelon and it was hilarious.
My advice is that you find that and re-read it and remember how funny you are.

Sounds like there's so much on your mind. Trying to pull straight A's in seven classes would be more than enough for me. And romantic relationships can be overrated if we get in one just because we think we need to be in one.

Maybe you are a sensitive person and maybe that hurts you when too much bad stuff finds it's way in. Maybe you are busy trying to care about the world and you need the chance to say "Enough!". There's one or more cartoon characters (Daffy Duck or somebody) who when they'd had enough they would drag out their words and yell "aaaa shutup!". Maybe you can say the same to all your voices when they get on your nerves. If you do this in your own head no one else needs to know or get offended. Dear fuzzy, all is not lost. I'm wishing well for you. Kit

I agree with Bryan
LISTEN TO HIM PLEASE..

FS you are so pretty girl , you have youth, protect it now. Raw vegan is all about beauty. We are all here to listen to you whenever you want ok girl, and I read your story very sad, I feel for you, I do!!








Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/01/2009 10:49PM by suvine.

Hi FS
This is from a paper
I wrote some time ago
Thought it might help -__-

QUALITATIVE CHANGE

Water freezes solid under 32°, and warms up into liquid then transforms into a vapor over 212°. After making a qualitative change, on the other side of those invisible barriers, we do not have to deny ourselves tasty, corporate processed and prepared foods. We will no longer desire to appease those old destructive habits. They offer no lasting satisfaction anyway. Temporary satiation will be the best we can hope for, because within a few minutes or by tomorrow, after the damage has been done, those old cravings will be back again, demanding more and more. I used to emphasize my negative self-judgment by thinking I was bad, stupid and a failure because I was taking so long to make any lasting dietary changes. Then I learned that ‘lapses’ with my diet can become one of the best learning tools I have available -__-

Now that I’ve committed myself to healthy living, I’m feeling better than ever. Getting relief from disabling pain has greatly helped me change some of my old attitudes. Good Grief °_° At last, I’ve learned that there are No healthy alternatives to correct living. So, now that I’m healthier and feel a whole lot stronger than ever before, the desire for acidifying food has become less appealing. Eating acid metabolizing food makes my old injuries and arthritic joints feel like I've ingested toxic waste and sifted ground-up glass into my hip and knee joints, then saturated my internal injuries in my own vinegar. Ohhh -,- No thanks, I think I’ll pass on those, taste tempting, ‘goodies’ today. I truly enjoy having a body that loves to work out and feel good. “My Goodness—yes of course, I’d rather perform well in a much happier, healthier body, than suffer the discomfort of unconscious eating and premature aging.”__"

Accessing the awesome power of ‘Free Will’ to make correct choices gives us the ability to improve our own health. For example, when our memory craves; saccharin-sweets, artificially flavored iced-casein, granulated-gluten-flakes and caffeinated coal-tar-colas, we can use our wonderful imagination to satisfy our imaginary cravings. We must take responsibility for our body because, it only eats what we feed it, goes where we take it, and exercises when we make it. One way or the other, eventually we learn—that the benefits of doing the right things can be enjoyed .,. only when we are doing them -__-

Self analysis, scientific evaluation and mature understanding gradually makes changing old destructive habits a preference. Personally validating these truths, for oneself, provides all the incentive necessary to continue making correct choices on the path of conscious eating. Just as daily brushing, flossing and rinsing your mouth with plain water, immediately after eating any thing acidic or sweet, can save teeth, (brush only the teeth you want to save) a raw food diet dramatically accelerates healing. Instead of extra exercise being difficult a pain tolerance test; Alkalizing your body with fruit, vegetables and sprouted alkaline grains can make any physical activity more enjoyable and much easier to do (‘o’)

Just say, “NO THANKS” to—Agony for breakfast—Excruciation for lunch—Misery for dinner—and Sick and Sorry for dessert. On the other side of that invisible barrier, raw food becomes a preference, because it reduces painful inflammation as it cleanses and rejuvenates the body. So much needless suffering can easily be avoided with a raw foods diet. Yup, Mom and Dad were right when they told us to, “Sit up straight, eat your vegetables, brush your teeth, and go outside and play. ^__^

Accelerated recovery from sickness and injuries and feeling fabulous motivates us to make healthy changes. Making correct choices, becomes the most sensible long, term path of least resistance because, being energized, healthy and strong, looks good and feels great. Then, simple science and common sense can win over disease and suffering—almost every time. Because, by then we have become mature enough to know the difference between what’s important and what isn’t. “The stuff I used to eat sure tasted good, but I do not like the way my body looks and feels after eating it . . .

INCENTIVE-MOTIVATION-SUCCESS

Sometimes an appeal to our intelligence works. However, the best incentive for an alkalizing raw foods diet will be the relief it gives from painful muscle inflammation especially after injury or during serious muscle training such as sports, yoga stretching and postural recovery. Setting short-term goals, like eating one raw meal at a time, can be the most effective means of insuring success. Each immediate goal can be fully realized. The sequential attainment of each goal leads us on to the path of success. Just as a distant journey begins with one small step, short term goals ultimately lead to, long range VICTORY !_!

Prepare to cope with occasional setbacks. They arrive in cycles. Setbacks seem to be a necessary part of the healing process, because - they help clarify the edges of our painful limitations. When setbacks happen, the inner dialogue goes something like this: “Well now, have I forgotten how awful the reaction was the last time I tried eating this stuff? Hmm, I must have. Am I insane !_! I knew it wouldn't be good for me, but I wanted it anyway and besides, how could anything that tastes this good, be that bad for me ?¿?”

Selective amnesia, unresolved childhood conditioning, resistance to authority, posthypnotic trance state, irrational behavior, denial, and the endless chain of carnal cravings set in again, and I wonder, “How much suffering must I endure before I’ll remember the difference between enlivening live food and devitalized, dead food? How sick do I need to be, before I let simple science and common sense, dictate the decisions necessary to guarantee my future good health and mental well being? ”_“ Yeah sure, I’m going to change my diet. I really need to do it soon too. Maybe tomorrow!” Well, as sincere as it sounds, in reality, “I couLd, wouLd and shouLd be doing that,” have a hidden "L" that stands for the Lie they contain. Trying to get healthy cannot do anything, but provide a convenient alibi for not taking responsibility for - Today -__-

Of course, without the senses and youthful folly to tempt and teach us, we wouldn’t learn to take responsibility for the truth or consequences of exercising our own self will. “Too much, too soon” or “too little, too late,” becomes more apparent when we finally get sick and tired of waking up sick and tired—particularly when we discover how much of our failing health has been—self induced. Then doing what actually works best becomes more obvious and getting serious about staying healthy and physically fit, makes perfect sense. Especially since the more I do, the better I feel. When I’m in doubt about making critical decisions regarding healthy living, the first impulse I get relates to my carnal craving, appetite (my desire for pleasure); the second comes from my genuine hunger for good health, fitness and happy-well-being -__-

When left to nature, even a well-kept garden soon returns to weeds. As the organic gardener’s efforts can enrich soil, so our “cell garden” will be enriched by everything we do to improve our future good health. “Yes we must do the required work to make significant changes, otherwise we only get light, superficial results. Weed out all foods with no nutritional value. That's right, there’s nothing to it—just do it.” With a little voluntary effort, a briar patch can be converted into a cornucopia. Persistent practice produces successful results. Just as a plentiful garden was created, one shovel full at a time, successful living becomes a process of figuring out which way actually works best; then doing it for one minute, one hour and one day at a time. Remember: if we don’t include self-help-health with our personal recovery—temporary relief will be the best we can hope for *__=

Only exercise the muscles you want to be strong. Stretch only the muscles you want flexible. For excellent health; Only eat food that enlivens your body. Take the time, to pause;-) assess and evaluate, 'Need' before eating each bite. The benefits of self-discipline eventually become a preference. For the best Tomorrow of your life, practice self-help-health, just for TODAY ~__~

Cheers - Alkaline AL

Yes, alkalizing has been a helpful approach for me too.. and that means for me trying to control processed junk and stress, and eating alkalizing foods..

"Personally validating these truths, for oneself, provides all the incentive necessary to continue making correct choices on the path of conscious eating. Just as daily brushing, flossing and rinsing your mouth with plain water, immediately after eating any thing acidic or sweet, can save teeth, 'Floss only the teeth you want to save', daily alkalizing, dramatically accelerates healing..." [www.alkalineal.com]

ph tape for urine testing is about as valuable to me as my toothbrush.. at least till I reach a healthy consistent equilibrium

hey fuzz, you are a raw food wannabe, just like me!!
don't we all just wanna be raw for good... lol
i wish you all the best, i know you can do it!!
guess what i found this awesome site, just started browsing around, it might help you out... it's www.rawfoodwannabe.blogspot.com

anyway, let us know how you're doing... you're gorgeous... <3

katienolman

Quote

guess what i found this awesome site, just started browsing around, it might help you out... it's www.rawfoodwannabe.blogspot.com

Interesting site, thanks. I just started looking it over but so far I have found the "before and after" from the categories area interesting.
[rawfoodwannabe.blogspot.com]

Dear beautiful fuzzysox,
I can relate to your story. I had been undermining myself, being a terrible perfectionist, always not happy with where I was, which was only preventing my progress and making me miserable. It was a long struggle, but finally I let go. I love myself now, phew. Being raw is effortless when I do it because I like it, and not because I should. What helped me most in this metamorphosis was addressing the needs of my soul, letting me experience the things I loved which I denied myself before (my music, people I loved etc). Going raw is easy. The hard part is loving oneself. Without addressing one's emotional needs, one looks for comfort in things that suppress the pain (cooked food, junk raw foods etc). So, my advice to you is to focus on your heart and soul. Love yourself, let yourself live your life.
rawgosia


RawGosia channel
RawGosia streams

EZ rider Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> katienolmanguess what i found this awesome site,
> just started browsing around, it might help you
> out... it's www.rawfoodwannabe.blogspot.com
>
> Interesting site, thanks. I just started looking
> it over but so far I have found the "before and
> after" from the categories area interesting.
> [rawfoodwannabe.blogspot.com]


i'm glad you like it... seems to be updated everyday with new stories...
wonderful advice, like always, Dr. Gosia!