did any of you here the CRASH LOL

bad food, fast food, alcohol and some drugs (prescription and non) went right off vegan

results: insane amount of face and back acne , return of IBS with blood, completely puffy skin , body odor, sore joints , insomnia ,

im so bloody disgusted that i could just throw 2 years away , i worked so hard to get there (like 7 years of transition lol)

*le sigh* well back on the horse with me , i cleared out the basement fridge of my moms house for MY food and moved all *HER* food upstairs , i willstill have too cook for her , i dont know what came over me .. my own home i have these things in my face all the time my hubby is not vegan or raw , i just dont know what happened , i been so stressed to the max lately

so frustrated !

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

so sorry for you -

there always something to learn from everything, maybe this time it's a big thing to learn for you, about yourself

who knows

be courageous - you're still strong and you will bounce back

Cynthia

thanks cythia ,yea i hear ya im just aching from hair follicle to toenail at the moment from the last 3 weeks of self inflicted damage

no idea what no idea what i was thinking , i know better

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

WOWZERS! Very impressive! I guess if you're gonna fall off the horse, you might as well have a wild ride on the way down!

Just kidding. Actually, it's entirely understandable. The majority of caregivers of aged parents are over-stressed, isolated, and rarely get any relief. Even if you do have some support, the emotional toll can wear anyone down. From what I know of you, it's apparent that you are a loving and capable person, but that doesn't mean that you are Superwoman. Do you have anyone who can give you some respite? Is there someone objective (I mean other than your husband) that you can "unload" (talk) about how hard it is to be a caregiver? I hope so.

WE CARE ABOUT YOU and want you to take care of yourself too.

Separating your food is a good idea. Yes, you love and care for your mother, but that doesn't define you. You are still a whole person in your own right. And preparing good food for yourself is a way to show yourself love.

Love, hugs and a boost back up on the horse,
Trive


My favorite raw vegan

Hi Jodi . . .

Sorry to hear about your "slip". When I slip I learn what I can from the experience and get back on course.
Perseverance wins in the end. Good luck.

Ha!
Recognise that space!
Its normal. It happens.
Its all part of this magical journey that we place ourselves on.
These experiences just make us stronger!

Love and respect to you X

hehe yes Trive when i do things i do them in a HUGE way lol

now its 3am and my first night not drinking myself outcold with a couple of sleeping pills (i tossed them through the mail slot of the pharmacy this afternoon with a note do not return , do not refill)

what have i learned from this so far , that im only human , more human that i let myself be at times , im so robotic and dogmatic at times, the hardest person on me pushing for perfection is me

i thought i checked that badass girl at the door a half decade ago

the wake up call , friday afternnoon being asked to leave tai chi because i smelled like alcohol , i have some apologies to some really nice people on monday morning to make the embarrasment of it all just horrifies me, that i came off like such a lunatic to a group of such nice people, dont get me wrong they werent mean about it all , just firm and nudged me away , it just felt like the loneliest moment ever for me and ive had a lifetime of rejection and thought that was long behind me.

oy i wish i had my hubby here to lean on sadly hes only near my by telephone and once weekly trips up to see me, its the lonliness and being out of my *element* that is rocking my world the worst , im not a city person , i just wanna be home on my farm i miss my mountains and grass and rivers. i cry so much about it and my little dog here is the only one here to feel my pain with and she just licks up my tears cuz their salty im sure LOL

he is coming by noon tommorrow to bring me my juicer, blender, dehydrator, knives and other odd tools

Ez yer right, im one of the most determined people i know and not only will i burn this bridge behind me im gonna blow it up lol!

thanks Fruit Faery , love and respect i can use right now and yes i hope it makes me stronger !

im not looking forward to the impending detox this week whatsoever, i just know its gonna be nasstyyyyyyyyyyy ! it took me 3 months to lose the last 20lbs i lost and now its all back plus 5 so dissapointing

the worst i feel right now is tearing a strip off my mom for being on all these meds and here i am self medicating with bad food, alcohol and drugs. im sucha hypocrite

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist




Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2010 10:38AM by Jgunn.

I feel your pain jodi... I have jumped off the wagon as well... though i have to say when i see other people doing it... and i hope this doesn't sound bad... but it gives me a bit of relief to see that i'm not the only one...I KNOW i'm not... but you know how the mind works... maybe you're falling off the wagon was to teach me to realize too that we are only human... and to take a deep breath and to remind myself that i love myself and not hate... i get so angry when i am not perfect and do things that i know are bad for me... my thing though is i've gotten in the mindset that if i eat cooked foods it's ok to take a laxative tea... not good I know... and i am a stress eater as well... example... today we had an earthquake... bigger then i have ever experienced and today i was actually doing good focused and staying on myself to eat only fruits and veg... until it hit and i was so "shaken" by it... that the first thing i did was eat... i started with a nice smoothie... but then the rest of the day became all about eating... and ended with the tea... i have been so angry with myself... cause my belly is swollen and hurts and now i can't sleep ... but reading your posting is a good reminder to me that it's ok... it happens... breathe and try ... try again... so in a weird way... thank you and blessing on your return to peace love and all things healthy...

love laugh and dream

Jodi,

Remember that the stress you are feeling will manifest as physical ailments, and your brain will be sneaky about "correcting" those ailments. Be vigilant, because clearly it feels worse to you to give in than to put up with the discomfort.

Try to spend time with positive people whenever you can; your mother won't want you to feel oppressed on top of all that you are doing for her physically. Being a caregiver alone is more psychologically stressful than anything, and it will help to give you psychic energy to keep going physically to be around people with happy demeanor. Also, the sight of your raw gear, in the arms of your supportive husband, should cheer you up : )

Above all else, keep in mind that while you cannot control what happens to your mother's health after a point, you CAN control what happens to YOUR health. You know what to do for yourself. You must not wallow in remorse, because you've hurt only yourself[not burned down an orphanage] and you've done it in the midst of making a huge sacrifice for your mom--totally understandable.

There is nothing to expiate for--this is between you and you, and you forgives you and wants to get better. So do it, with courage and confidence. Peace and positive vibes to you, dearie.

I can relate to this post alot especially being an ex-alcoholic and drug user. When i fall off the wagon i fall big time lol.

anyway chin up and get back on, im a firm believer everyone needs a blow out every now and then keeps us sane.

Hi Jodi,

Everyday is a struggle for me but I am doing well now. It takes me about 3 weeks to feel more confident with myself about sticking to that which supports me in my well being. In the moment and by each moment I choose. I am sure you will also. I agree that creating a positive support network is important. We all support you.

Peace, Faeterri

Hey Jodi
Im having a crap time just now too. I go through this twice a year. October/ November and April/ May. Have done so for as long as I can remember.
At first i thought it was illness, then later loosing the plot! Whatever it is that happens to me at these times, it is very disruptive.

I know that you are a spiritual person and may well be influenced by both the time of year and the spiritual significance of the present time.
Christ's death and Buddha's birthday. What ever your religious / spiritual beliefs a sensitive resonates with these ancient festive dates, plus the seasonal shifts and earth energetics.

Maybe its just time to let go and practice acceptance.

It helps me to go outside, jump, run shout, dance, scream, whatever it takes to help me wake up to whats actually going on for me.

Or maybe meditation?
Whatever it is that you need to do, You need to do it.
Looking for comfort from others/ drugs /alcohol is simply displacement/ avoidance.
But you know this already.
You have all of the tools in your toolbox necessary for you to reconnect whenever you choose to do so. Use them!

Love light and guidance and a huge fat hug! x

lots and lots of love to you - xxx

This thread has caused me to think about "support" and here is my summary of that thinking:

Hold close that which supports me in my efforts to be healthy & well both physically & mentally and let go of that which dosn't.

It takes a lot of courage to step up and share the "darker" side of this life... the side to which we can all relate, in some degree or another. This clearly shows your strength and commitment.

Honestly, whenever I read of someone's "slip" or "falling off the wagon", I see a real strength there...

Hey all thanks alot been a pretty lazy day for the most part , just doiing alot of cleaning and packing of boxes to keep me busy and my mind off things, didnt feel much like eating so just fired up the blender and had smoothies all afternoon and evening so far. Felt a alot better then i have in weeks

Luv what you said doesnt sound bad at all , it is what it is and yes it helps knowing youre not the only one that struggles with these things , bless you too that you find your groove and you will im sure we all do even if we crash and burn from time to time lol

Tam you always hit it on the head , i will try harder not to let all these things get to me , i am just so much anger inside at the moment that cant even remotely be healthy , ive been feeling anger that my brother is no longer alive he was someone i really went to things went sideways he always had something smart to say or another view and i miss him terribly right now the most, im angry at my dad at times for thinking i was the one that could deal with all this and for spoiling my mom so bad that she just cant do anything on her own at all , he really let her go , mostly cuz it was easier for him to do things himself then to push her and argue, i find im angry at my mom for letting her self go for whatever reason and feel she wore my dad right out

all in all its not really my place what dynamic went on between them , its done its done and i need to accept that its doen and figure out the solutions to all these problems ive inherited

i hear ya tho i need to step outside the wallowing and remose , i wish my mom was more feeling more blessed for what she has but i cant make her feel that what she doesnt

Powerlifer thanks for relating , i really didnt see this coming , i guess its good that somethings bring me back to my humble place , i guess i get too high on my horse about my own faith in my own sobriety

Faeterri , i am the same way , making any healthy habit takes hardcore throw myself into it dedication untill my confidence is there. I have a positive support network unfortunately its not in this town , thats what makes this all so much more difficult

Fruit Faery , sorry yer on a rough stretch too now i know , i hit mine usually in nov/dec and this year just compounds it even further, you are right i do have to practice acceptance its a huge thing with me , dissecting things to death and always trying to fix that which is not broken because i think it needs to be better or trying to fix something that is unfixable
I do meditate all the time, thanks for the huge fat hug and one right back at ya !

Thanks Flipperjan !

Ez Rider i so agree with your statement , i hold onto far too much garbage and far to many negative people surround me at times , something to definitely work on !

Buddhisforlife , thanks for that, i hope i can fidn my strength and committment cuz right now i just from feeling it , and then swing right into wanting to jump in my car and head for the sunset lol

another day coming to a close ... tommorrows another one one step at a time

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

You are a strong beautiful courageous woman Jodi.
Alkalise that blood running through your veins once again and this will be a distant memory.
You will take many things from this experience. Compassion for your mother's choices may well be a biggie.

I thank you for your honesty and your choice to bare your self on open forum. For me, it demonstrates your inner strength and commitment.
We learn through honesty, transparency and openness.
Thank you x



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/06/2010 09:19AM by The Fruit Faery.

Jodi,
I go off course too.

I figure for every time you go off course,there is another time where you can get back on course,and that continues as long as we breathe.

Vinny

Hey Jodi how are you doing today?
You have been in my thoughts throughout the day.
When i think about you, I keep thinking that your experience is linked to some kind of spiritual awakening.
Don't know if that resonates with you?
I know raw food brings a deep connection and may initiate kundalini experiences. Drugs, alcohol and cooked all numb these experiences. Many of us turn to these things rather than face whats going on for us. Just wanted to share my thoughts.
Thanks for the hug. It was very welcome x

besides excruciating butt pee (ibs) which should go away in the next ffew days or so , pretty good


yer right about the spiritual awakening , i keep sitting on the toilet saying oh god oh god oh god lol

seriously tho been thinking alot about what you have all said very tired from waking up a 1000 times with so much on my mind last night but starting to feel centered again

i just wanna feel the love ehe , i just wanna be at my home not here, just a few weeks more my hubby is working his butt off getting the basement renovated for my mom

*sigh* wish i had a majic wand

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Jodi,

Your mentioning a majic wand made me recall that spell from Harry Potter: Expelliarmus! You flourish your wand at something, and say that, and the something gets thrown backwards into oblivion--BLAM!. I am going to imagine you with a magic wand saying, Expelliarmus!!! at every bad idea or feeling creeping up on you like a villain, and I'm gonna try this tactic myself.

Except maybe not in public : )

Ha! at least you have retained your sense of humour!

All good!
x

Forward movement, shifts. Soon you will be back home and you can care for your mom there. For me, being in the environment that supports me, is best for me. Love to you.

day 3 an struck with a terrible cold , not sure if this is detox or because my dumbass sister came over with her cold to visit my mom 2 days ago

probably a mix hehe

nonethe less , i decide to just juice it out for a couple of days and water fast over the weekend and beyond if i still feel crappy , my @#$%& this morning was white which is a pretty good indication of bad liver function , at least the diareah is gone, just need to get the body back up to snuff


thanks for your support all xoxox

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Jodi, you've been doing so great for so long. It will be a very easy thing to get right back on track. You haven't wasted your transition. It all adds up and you'll never lose it.

You're not a hypocrite! You temporarily strayed from your personal health care routine. So much more important: You're doing what you can for your family. Do you know what you are? You're a hero!

Huuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggsssssssssss.

Jodi,

Welcome back to the raw world. It sound like you needed to get some lessons around eating cooked foods!

The only thing I'd like to add is that you might start playing with more of the Buddhist's practices - specifically meditation, but I would also add yoga in there, to rekindle your connection with the divine and find the place of peace and bliss that is already inside you.

Thanks Suncloud, at moments i dont feel much like a hero at all, love your sentiments and huge huggggggggggggs back at you

I started water fasting late yesterday instead of waiting till today, the endless mindchatter still keeps me awake long into the night and early morning, fortunately as I am off work now for an indeterminate length of time i can sleep when sleep finally allows me too

the cold/flu/detox is subsiding already i can feel but will see what the fast brings out lol

Prana thank you and I agree,

i wish , if i could go return to the beloved Nepal right now and wander up into those beautiful hills and listen to the monks and down in the valleys and hear the temple music

im having to content myself with taped music from there instead speaking of tapes i wish i had a stop button for all this yakkity yak inside my head lol

rekindle my connection with the divine and find place of peace and bliss that is already inside me ... thank you i love this



...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

hi jgunn

peace and a hug
looks like all has already been said
like abraham hicks says in the CD where esther is translating :

" There is much love here for you."

That quote has been sticking in my mind lately.

jgunn

do u like lemon juice?
its a beautiful alkalizer

i added stevia and water to make it taste like lemonade a few times

i'm not big on the maple syrup thing
but the caynenne thing ( from the master cleanse thing) may help speedy out the cold



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/11/2010 05:01AM by la_veronique.

buddhistforlife Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It takes a lot of courage to step up and share the
> "darker" side of this life... the side to which we
> can all relate, in some degree or another. This
> clearly shows your strength and commitment.
>
> Honestly, whenever I read of someone's "slip" or
> "falling off the wagon", I see a real strength
> there...


thank you. : ) totally resonates...i see and feel the same.