My wife just asked me 'why do you punish yourself by not eating real food'? After more than two years she still does not believe that I eat raw food only (or mostly during some periods). She thinks I am depriving myself from 'real food'.

I am a boring kind, I have tried so many times to explain it to her...

Hmmm, you'd think that after two years she would have to say that your diet works, at least for you. However, she must believe so strongly that humans need that 'real food' to stay healthy, she thinks that you MUST be cheating by woofing down BBQ CHOOKS etc, when no-one's looking. I had a friend who actually did that, but I only found out years later.

I know that it's hard to find a mate with the same mindset or worldview as you. So, we just hope that our good example will eventually win them over to the raw, or at least a vegetarian diet. In my neck of the woods, there seems to be plenty of gals who are vego's or only rarely eat flesh'n'dairy.

But it must be much more difficult for you gals to find a male vego, let alone a raw vegan. Since the general stereotype of a man in the Western world is a swearing, fighting and flesh eating mountain of a man who barely waits for his meat to be cooked before he rips at the carcass with his bare hands to gorge himself until he's satiated (cutlery's for whimps).

Now that may seem a little extreme, but I'm only suggesting that it's more socially acceptable for a women to be a vego than a man. But things are changing, and so are gender roles. The link below provides one view of what it is to be a man in the 21st century, and it's the best one that I've seen of late. Scroll down abit until the sub-heading 'The New Macho' - Newsweek.

[mankindproject.org].

Cheers, geo

No, geo, she knows I am not cheating. It is just that she is so deeply hooked up to heavily processed foods (never enough cooking, frying) that it is a very important part of her life. A lot of people are like this. It is an addiction, a very strong one.
On the good side, she makes the best salads, so she has some balance.

But, she has been sick for a long time and she still does not accept the facts - I was a good example. Reduced high blood pressure, lost weight, got my heart to a reasonable rate - all that in a couple of months of raw vegan diet. Still, she thinks I am damaging myself with this diet...

I see the 'modern' world as a society of addicts. I really do. All our 'culture' is that of people addicted to chemicals from processed food.

That is the story of my life, I have to explain to friends and family members that the way I eat work for me. When I say I had fruits and juices for lunch, they think I have not eaten yet.

rab,

Perhaps this is her way of letting you know she fears that you are becoming diconnected as your dietary choices continue to move away from hers? Food is such a primal thing, and so important a unifying characteristic of family life, for good or ill; changes undertaken by one member can cause uncertainty and distress in the others.

"Why do you punish yourself?" I suppose we could look at just about anyone and find one aspect of their life, from our individual perspective, that might inspire that question. I look at people with regular jobs, debt created from the pursuit of "luxury", minds created from watching the mainstream news, and ask that question of them.

Sorry if I'm crossing a boundary here, but if I were to ask you a question along the same lines Rab, it would be: Why do you punish yourself by being in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand and support you on a fundamental level?

Punish??
Feeding living health sustaining elements into your body a punishment??????


Its like anything else in life....
Some folks are interested in collecting stamps.
Others in sports or books...
Food doesnt matter to some people other than ONE thing.................taste.
We here are interested in eating raw foods,and will reap the absolute known benefits of doing so.
I feel grateful to have been called to this.

Vinny



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/24/2012 11:31PM by eaglefly.

HeavenHands, that is a good question. She is also punished, as she feels violated by my now changed behaviour. I guess it is not her fault as I was not on this diet when she met me.


HeavenHands Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "Why do you punish yourself?" I suppose we could
> look at just about anyone and find one aspect of
> their life, from our individual perspective, that
> might inspire that question. I look at people with
> regular jobs, debt created from the pursuit of
> "luxury", minds created from watching the
> mainstream news, and ask that question of them.
>
> Sorry if I'm crossing a boundary here, but if I
> were to ask you a question along the same lines
> Rab, it would be: Why do you punish yourself by
> being in a relationship with someone who doesn't
> understand and support you on a fundamental level?

Weird. When we see seeking to attain greater health and exerting our power of discipline over our behavior as punishment. Would she see this in exercise like jogging or lifting weights? Or in a reduces calorie diet like Weight Watchers? Funny how interpretation shifts when we put things into more familiar categories.

In the beginning, it's discipline. I'd imagine, over time (especially the course of years), you just think less and less about things that don't make you feel awesome?

Ironically--raw food WAS the tipping point for me, where I realized I could only do all good for my body, and the whole concept of punishment/starvation/guilt/etc. disappeared.

I was in a relationship when I first went raw with a guy who was eating SAD at the time, and it was "taking my veganism to a creepy extreme." Years later, he changed his life with raw, fasting, and the whole process of self-discovery that imparts... we aren't together anymore, but still in touch and have a really unique level of respect for each other because we managed to go through two separate but very heavy periods of life change, self-discovery and self-improvement.

I think the best thing you can really do is to find ways to connect--it has always been my survival strategy, and it's worked for more than four years. Don't EVER focus on differences or "don'ts" ("I don't eat this", just focus on what you CAN do together. If your wife makes awesome salads, connect there. I dunno how you feel about raw desserts, but those are a great way to make something tasty that even the "non-believers" can appreciate... and just stay positive as much as possible. You can only be an example.

Everyone has to learn at a different pace, some people have more deeply conditioned beliefs than others. My boyfriend's parents' now are more into health than most, they stay active, love juicing and smoothies, are crazy into supplements and superfoods, they even make amazing raw treats for us (BLESSINGS!) but they still don't really grasp the concept of eliminating bad foods entirely (like the occasional McDonald's). It would help them, definitely, hopefully they'll come to that realization.

I always just try to focus on what's positive and communal... Even if you're eating different things, you're still eating TOGETHER, because, most importantly, you're there for love and company. =)

What we eat and what we become can be a teaching tool for people living with us, they will witness that you are getting healthier, happier, not getting sick. They will see that the food and life style change has something to do with that. Maybe gradually they change their mind.

Beautiful post, phantom

Rab,

You mention that you've tried to explain your diet to her many times without success. I'm guessing that she is not an attentive listener. Sometimes an effective strategy with people who can't (or won't?) listen is to listen to them.

When she asks, "Why do you punish yourself?" you can parrot that back and say, "It looks to you like I'm punishing myself," and listen to her response. Whatever she answers, just keep prompting her to say more about what she is interested in saying.

Depending on her answers you'd say things like:
"Oh, you really like fried foods. Tell me about that."
"It sounds like you think specialty cheeses are a real treat. What is your favorite?"
"You seem to get a lot of pleasure from eating chocolate ice cream. What do you like about it?"
"So you think it's better to eat ______. What else do you think is good?"
Etc. Etc.

With every one, wait for her response. Be sure not to say anything defensive or in any way justifying your own choices. The hard part will be to keep an interested and neutral tone so as not to sound sarcastic. My guess is that her challenging comments are more about her own needs and issues than about her concern for your diet.

Continue with the food choices you want, of course, but maybe if she feels thoroughly heard she'll have less negative things to say. Hmmm... after writing that, I'm not so sure. Well, any way, it's worth a try to shake up the conversational dynamics.


My favorite raw vegan

Again, this forum proves to be a very thoughtful and helpful. I can't blame my wife and other people for being 'normal'. Still, this is not only a question of the diet, it is my view of the world.

Hey Rab, sorry for the misunderstanding, but did anyone check out the link I provided which outlines the 'new macho' in the 21st century??? I think it's pretty cool.

Getting back to the problem Rab, is it the 'food' that your wife is addicted to, or is it the 'cooking'??? If it's mostly the cooking, then perhaps focus on her making raw desserts like the 'Phantom' suggested. Oh, BtW, the suggestions that the gals have make here are very wise and insightful. I believe that women are naturally more insightful regarding relationships than a man is, just mho.

Perhaps you could compromise by putting a little cooked food on your plate, such as a couple peices of pumkin, carrot or sweet potato, and that would be especially useful in the winter. In the warmer months, it shouldn't be onerous to suggest that the whole family eat more salads. They will probably want cheese or cold meat with it, but you'd just have more salad. I'm not suggesting you compromise your dietry course, but be a little flexible, and perhaps she may eat a little raw food too.

geo, that is some well balanced advice, thanks.
About your link - I watched the intro video and frankly did not like it very much. It is too generic, they really did not say anything. Besides, I really do not like to 'give up' myself in order to get anything. Especially not to unknown people. I work completely different way and I assume most people do - I study, carefully, who people are and it takes a lot for me to trust somebody. Also, I am totally not a 'New Age' person. I am a scientific junky, I like facts. I don't like psychologists and psychiatrists. I also don't do yoga...I like autogenic training, auto suggestions etc. If you search for 'adampants' on YouTube you will find some videos that made a profound impact on me - that guy understands science and he is also an unbelieavable talent for metaphysics. He never asks anyone to join anything...that is what I like Also, he is a genious, though maybe a little sad one. I wish he posted more stuff.

I believe that most of the people are essentially good, but that does not mean I would trust them in all situations. Simple every day wisdom.

Sounds interesting Rab. Hmm maybe I ought to view that vid that you did, cause I only read the (and I'll admit) generic definition under the sub-heading 'The New Macho'. I like it for what it stands for, and the points it makes that is so destinct from the Western view of a man.

I wish you well, and hope things improve in your relationship,
cheers

Don't get me wrong, geo, those people might be excellent, this was just my first impression. We all have different paths, different ways.

rab

rab

rab

u sound like an intelligent guy
and like u said this is your world view as well

u say she feels violated cuz u took up this healthy great lifestyle

i highly doubt diet is the issue here

food is just vibration

u are putting substances in your body that exudes high vibration

she is offended by that

diet is the last issue to look at here

i don't know what the issues are

but seem like diet is secondary
if not tertiary

la_veronique, you are probably right.

My wife always likes to stick to over cooked fully cooked diet . No greens no raw no fruits . So much so that on most days there are hardly any fruits in the refrigerator .

I am unsure what bothers her when I talk of raw vegan diet but we have terrible arguments .

I was tired and exasperated !! But after reading this post and all the replies I am trying to understand myself first and then also trying to understand her view point.

I will keenly watch this post.

Angelo,
What was at the center of these arguments? Did they really have any real bias in nutrition, or some other emotional foundation?

this is like someone getting offended if their spouse starts taking up

an athletic endeavor that allows them to lose weight, get a lot healthier and be happpier

if someone is getting offended by that, exercise is NOT the issue

and diet is NOT the issue

time to dig deeper

only you know the answers

She was probably curious...