OK. I am sure you all are sick of my sporadic renewals of my commitment to raw foods. But please understand that it is simply me, a person struggling terribly with food addiction, to choose life and heal herself. Apparently this is not an easy thing for me to do. Well, because of the degree of fungal infection I have, liver disease, and depression, I am not working and have retreated from life on all levels. Up until now I have used this as an excuse to further self destruct and induldge in copious amounts of ice cream, doughnuts, cookies, muffins, cereal, and the like. I was supposed to be in a dance performance this month but just now emailed my teacher telling her I could not - I don't have it in me to dance anymore and am too full to move. Well, that's it. That is the ultimate sign of my life not working at all. And it is time to turn things around. I am going to do a water fast of some length to expedite the detox process and then give it another go on the high fruit raw diet. I believe in it and am sick of feeling sick and paying therapists and healers to give me a magic bullet when I believe that I have the answer. Yes, I still think therapy is important. But I also think it is important to honor my own knowing and stop screwing around like this. I am only 31 and I have a whole life yet to live. I would appreciate any support or encouragement you would like to offer - Even if it is silent and in your thoughts only. I am grateful this forum exists - It is a place I can visit and receive hope for life and healing.

it seems you are always trying to expedite things...why not just add more fresh foods to your diet at a level that is comfortable? Does creating your own magic bullet seems MORE possible.?

Even if a high fruit raw diet is the key to your long term sucess, fasting and light eating will only bring up more of these emotional issues, and possibilities for binging etc...if you are forcing yourself...I would think

I thought the same thing as anaken when reading your post. I thought she pushes herself too hard and sets herself up to fail. I am sending support your way. I am so glad to see you back. I have been wondering about you. You can be your ally and not your saboteur. You should read some of what we are going through on the 7 week all raw challenge. It might be helpful in your quest.

>>>I am going to do a water fast of some length to expedite the detox process and then give it another go on the high fruit raw diet.

What is it they say... the definition of crazy is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result.

I tried high fruit, result was becoming weak and emaciated, dry skin, sensitive teeth, irritable, well its a long list.

Recently though I'm experimenting with VERY low carb... in other words lots of quality fat and protein from fresh whole foods.

We all seem to be a little lost and struggling to find the right diet for our needs. Misinformation and disinformation abound filled with backwards logic and biased unscrupulos research where the outcome is decided before the hypothesis is hatched. If only we still lived in caves...

dancerinthenight, whatever you do I hope it works out.

I'm just glad you're aware and trying... good for you!



(trying doesn't mean failing, it means working on it with some degree of intended result)

hey there glad to see you are back!! hang in there and take it easy..sounds like just adding fresh foods to your diet instead of taking away is a good way to go right now!! ia m always here for you if you need support!!! i will keep you in my thoughts and send good energy your way!
love earthangel
xoxoxoxoxo

Much peace and love!!!
EarthAngel
Xoxo

hi dancerinthe night,, im 17 and im in the same boat as you,, i hav been suffering from extreme depression for the past 2 1/2 years,, i went from being a super athletic gymnast, painter, guitar player, loving life person,, into some mingled version of what i once was,,im really not sure who i am now,, i hav some serious health conditions now 2 since i place all my emotions into food i end up gorging on huge amounts of crappy foods, that are addictive,, im overweight 2,, and im pretty positive i hav some sortof horrible health issue thats lying beneath the surface that i cant quite put my finger on,, so i understand how you feel,, and i understand the lying 2 youself and listening 2 that stupid voice inside your head that you kno is dead wrong and yet you give into it everytime bc u believe that u arent strong enough,, which isnt true,,,you are!! i kno how you feel,, i hav been on and off raw for almost 5 months, actually longer than that, i tried before i "officially tried", watever that meant,, all i can tell you is that the 2 months i was 100% raw i was the happiest i had been for a long long time,, i felt more confident, i liked myself more, i liked the people around me more,, i started feeling inspired, feeling the things that i once loved 2 do well up inside me and want 2 come out,, instead of me forcing myself in some sort of lost way 2 try and be creative,, i struggled in the beginning, i was binge eating, but at least it was raw, and at least it was healthy, and i threw all the old rules out the window just so i could survive,, no carb counting, no calorie counting,, no too much of this or too much of that,, and if i had 2 still fill that place up inside of me with foods then fine, but at least ill be way more healthy doing it on raw than on anything else out there.....but as time went on i didnt feel like i needed 2 eat so much anyomore, i felt full emotionally and physically on just one grapefruit instead of tons of fats and dried fruits,,,, i just relapsed tho,, and i kno personally that even tho i was raw and feeling so much better such a short time ago,, i really couldnt remember what it was like 2 be there,, all my old demons came back,, and im mad that it happened, and i kno that im going 2 hav 2 start over again,, but i now kno the feeling of being happy,, and i want it more than ever,, and so im stronger this time,, and i kno ill never be happy until i really do this, but that its going 2 b so hard 2 get there,, so ill pass onto you what ive learned,, dont keep lying 2 yourself, if you kno that you arent strong nough yet 2 keep the promises youve made for yourself set them lower,, i kno its tough, and i kno you may be an all or nothing person,, but its okay 2 eat watever you weakness food is everyday if u hav 2, and lots of it if u hav 2,, but b4 u do eat tons of rawfood before you do whatever your heart desires,, and then maybe you wont be soo hungy for that other food,, and even if u eat it even after you ate all that raw stuff dont feel bad! bc i promise you that eventually your mind will turn on and say oh! i dont really feel like i need this anymore,, dont banish foods unless you fully believe and trust inyourself that you will have enough will power and self confidence 2 keep yourself away from it,, if you cant do that its okay YOU WILL be able 2 do it in time,,, and the most important thing is dont listen 2 that voice in your head that tells you that you cant make it, that its pointless, your a lost case, nothings gunna change, youll never change, it wont work,, blah blah blah,, bc it really isnt true,, its lying 2 you,, and ittl come at you all the time,, just dont listen 2 it! soon enough you will see that its lying youll kno that its wrong and youll and thats when youll kno that you have overcome it, youve become a lean mean fighting machine!! mentally and physically,,so i hope this helps,, and im sorry its so long,, i just want you 2 kno that i understand how you feel,, and that you can get out of this hole, it will be hard and youll fall down alot, but you will make it out, you will
you can do it :]
olivia

dancerinthenight,

Maybe almost everyone goes through some similar kind of nightmare scenario on the path to becoming raw. I know I did.

I think all the advice above is really good.

Right now, when you're feeling really bad, it probably makes you feel better to envision yourself achieving a final perfect goal; and you just want to go for it with all your might. But unfortunately, although you may have some idea of what your destination looks like, you're really not quite sure how to get there, since the paths you've taken in the past have left you wandering all over the place.

You may perhaps know the general direction. You can start with that. Your mind can be your compass. Aim your compass (your mind) in the direction you want to go, at a distinct point ahead of you that you can SEE. Focus on that point as being your goal that you first need to reach before you go any further. When you get to that point, aim your compass again at another distinct point in the same direction, and focus on reaching that new goal. Just keep on going like that.

Each goal can be to eliminate some undesired food choices from your diet.

Ultimately, you'll be out of the forest, you'll have a much clearer idea of what your destination looks like, and with all your previous forest experience, you'll have developed the muscle to get yourself all the way there.

During this transition, you can have as many all raw days as you're able. It's OK to do better than your goal. But when you have times that you find you're just not able to stay raw, then still stay within your goal. Kind of like taking a detour in the forest, but not going so far that you lose sight of your trail. Stay mindful.

You can start by eliminating the worst stuff. Usually the worst stuff is also the easiest stuff to stop eating. For example, if you ate red meat, your first goal could be to eliminate red meat. Once you find you're confident of your success, then you can set the next goal.

If you're a sweet tooth junkie, you could set a goal to stop eating anything that wasn't whole grain. That knocks out a lot of sweet tooth junk.

A next goal could be to stay vegan. For me, to reach that goal, I had to concentrate on the humanitarian aspect of vegan, since I didn't really care enough about myself. Read "Diet for a New America" by John Robbins. That'll make a vegan out of almost anybody with a heart (and you obviously have a heart). At this stage, if you feel you just have to have some ice cream, you can choose a frozen soy or frozen rice alternative.

A next step can be to stop eating cooked legumes. Or replace them with tofu, which some people find to be a little lighter.

A next step (a biggie) can be to stop eating grains and tofu, but still allow yourself cooked veggies including greens, corn, peas, even yams or sweet potato.

During all this time, you can continue to have as many raw days as you possibly can, but when you're not yet out of the habit of cooked, it usually helps to allow yourself to eat any raw foods that you feel reasonably comfortable eating. Let your body get to know a lot of raw foods, so that it can begin to have a lot of raw food choices to crave rather than cooked. Once you feel SECURE in eating only raw, then you can more easily adjust your raw food diet to suit yourself. Even Brian, who is really into 80-10-10 has said that at first when he went raw, he ate a lot of raw fats and slowly decreased his fat consumption.

If you want to fast ocassionally, that's OK. It might be very helpful. But remember, your body isn't used to craving raw food when it gets hungry. It's used to craving cooked food at this point in your life. Your survival mechanism can easily overrule your thought process, meaning until your body begins to crave raw instead of cooked, the best of intentions can easily be shattered by the perceived needs of the body. So go easy on the fasting. Maybe try it one day at a time, and if for some reason you can't do it, don't even think about trying again for another week. Give yourself some breaks and allow yourself more successes than failures.

Work your way up. Don't be impatient.

I would bet that a young woman who is a dancer like yourself would be an absolutely sensational yogini. Yoga is such good practice for disciplining the mind. You could do that. You'd be great, and it could really help.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/01/2007 09:01AM by suncloud.

first off, i want to thank suncloud for her beautiful, honest, inspirational, rational and bountiful wisdom. that post gave me goosebumps.

dancerinthenight, i feel you. i was raw vegan for about a year before i relapsed. i struggled with binge eating most of my life. the raw food diet seemed to "cure" me initially. my spiritual, my emotional and my physical body loved the healing nature of raw foods, but after about a year, my detox kicked into high gear and i was stuggling with past issues that i had buried deep down. at the time, i had to "take a break" from raw because i started binging compulsively on cooked foods. after a lot of therapy, and working diligently on myself, i have finally come to the point where i can return the foods i love the most = raw.

your post made me sad. i can hear the guilt and dissapointment you have in yourself for not being perfect. i struggle with this kind of internal dialogue myself. i am very hard on myself and have been struggling with these negative "voices/thoughts" forever. if there is one thing i've learned, is to be kind to yourself. be gentle with yourself. try not to beat yourself up when you eat something you have deemed as "bad". when i eat something that is off "my list", i TRULY try not to feel guilty about it....though it's a fight in my mind and heart. as you fight off those negative voices, your love will overcome and win, i promise!

i send you peace dancerinthenight,
love,
m.

Hi---

I like your picture. I'm hoping for the best for you. Listen to the great advice above. Come back here and maybe do a journal. Read. Get revved up about it...and there is much beautiful advice given to you in so many of these posts. I'm sorry to hear about your health issues and all...it can be overwhelming and be a big mess...I've been there too. If I can stop eating sugar anyone can, I mean it. It screws so much with your head. It can make you crazy, cranky, and complicate every aspect of your being and life. That goes for all the other non-food, too. So, re read the advice above, read some books, get the cheering section in your head revved up, take the small steps mentioned above, re-arrange the expectations you have of yourself, and go forward step by step day by day with confidence. Secure your small successes and consolidate at a reasonable pace.

I find keeping a journal very helpful.

I am sorry you are struggling ....but, you are also lucky you are young and aware of raw foods. Do it now! Meaning, of course, at your own pace.......but, keep trying now while you are young. That is an advantage right there. I am 57, wish I were your age! Refuse to let such a bad diet with its awful influence on your life harass you into an age such as mine! )))))

Elakti---sincere best wishes!

Sounds like you you need to figure out what's most important to you in this life.
I simple terms, sickness equals death and health equals life. If you are not healthy and alive, you cannot accomplish the things you want to do in this life. Health is the basis, the ground for everything. Without it you are lost.

When you eat the things you know are bad for you, you are choosing death instead of life. You need to realize how valuable YOU are and how little time we have here on this earth. When you truly know this, you will no longer have the desire to eat badly.

I choose life.

I know it's not easy because we have so many emotional attachments to certain foods and flavors. I have had relapses too but I pull myself together and remind myself that I need to live in health in order to be alive at all. If you are trying the raw foods for wrong reasons, it is easy to crash and burn. You need to love yourself and eat healthy because you want to live. Maybe you haven't found a strong enough reason to live yet? You need to search for this.

I still have to remind myself everyday because I have a strong tendency towards depression and extreme pessimism also. Find the strength in you, I know you have it. But when you eat the raw foods, eat them with thoughts of love and respect towards your body. Like an offering of life giving nectar. I try to think of this every time I eat something. It keeps me on the path of the right reasons for eating raw.

You look really beautiful in your picture so please love yourself more. :-)

I wish you well.

Thank you all for your comments and sharing. I am truly touched. Thank you a million times over.