All,

I have a new dilemma.

I have been Hi raw (about 80 - 90%) for a year now and I have posted about my detox (which happens almost every month) and I am just getting better from one.

With that said - here's my background. I am a mom of three. Always been a vegetarian but ate dairy. Quit all that about a year ago andwent almost raw.

Here's the situation.
My in-laws are coming to vist and stay with us for about two months in June-Aug.

My MIL is 73 and is fairly healthy. But she eats cooked vegetarian and dairy. Not even organic dairy. She is lucky that she is fairly healthy and she argues with me so much about how poorly I eat. She keeps hinting that I am soon going to become weak and my bones and muscles will lose strength. She said when I am her age, I will not be able to do anything because of the "lack of nutrition"

She constantly quotes herself as an example and says that she eats that way and stays healthy. I tried to tell her she is not healthy because of the food she eats but inspite of it.

Actually they both take meds for antibiotics and High blood pressure. But they are so proud that they are "healthy" and manage with the meds.

I am happy that they are doign well. But cooked food was NOT doing me any good. So I made the change and I am now raw.

when she visits I have to deal with this. I know she cares and wants me to be healthy but what am I to do...


I don't want to argue and I don't want to insult her. But she is criticizing me all the time. she told my SILs also.


I feel like she is waiting to say " I told you so" and that makes me feel very intimidated.

Please, any advise? Has any one dealt with similar situations? How do you deal with people? How do I convince her that my bones will not break from osteoporosis?

Thanks all,
A Iyer

I wouldn't try to convince her at all. She has made it pretty clear that she is not interested in taking care of her health in the same manner that you are.
I would politely say something like "I appreciate your concern, but I am very happy with my health and the food that I eat" Then make it clear that you will not tolerate any further criticism or rudeness. Don't criticize her diet, as that will make her feel that she has license to criticize yours. Let her know that you will seek the counsel of a nutritionist or doctor if you feel you have health problems that need to be addressed if she pushes you. It's a polite way of letting her know that she's not a health professional and therefore it's none of her business.
Good luck!

I hear you. Seeing loved ones that are not - perhaps - living as healthy as they could be is frustrating. The best you can do (in my opinion) is be 10 X more deleriously happy and successful...and passionate...and focused. Then people will want what YOU are having! Ha! ha! People will WANT to emulate you because of who you ARE....and what you have the strength to BEING.

-If you were 100% happy and satisfied and passionate in your love and lifestyle....then those comments would mean nothing...since you can do nothing about them. If you are NOT, then comments become hurtful...and we become defensive and confused. But it has less to do with what our loved ones are doing....and more to do with what we, as individuals, are NOT doing (living our dreams) this is my experience. Those that are passionately, concentratedly (not a real word, I know) living THEIR dreams...have no time for worry. There are a million things you can do for your loved ones by helping yourself.....supporting THEM....and graciously acknowledging their concerns with "I've heard your concerns, thank you. I will do my best."

-David Z. Mason

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

I agree with brenna, don't try and convince anyone when they are not interested. That is a very frustrating job, which is too much stress. And I think you have the right to ban any discussions or comments about your diet if you know that it is not going to be very fruitful. I think people will understand and respect your decision. After all, they have no right to interfere with what you are eating if that is your choice.

Talking about osteoporosis, let her read my 2 blog entries on the subject, you never know if that may convince her The title of the first one is "Raw Vegans at risk of Osteoporosis and Hip Fractures later in life?" and the second one "How to Prevent Osteoporosis" on [www.natureshealingsecrets.com]

Good luck!

Greenpower



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/06/2008 07:04PM by greenpower.

"And I think you have the right to ban any discussions or comments about your diet if you know that it is not going to be very fruitful."

I completely agree with you greenpower!



My website: The Coconut Chronicles

We lead by our example, not in words.

I don't care how much someone knows until I know they're living what they preach. If someone is raving about a particular way of eating, saying others should try it, immediately I look at them. Do they look healthy? How is their skin? How are their eyes? Are they too fat or too skinny? How's their energy? How's their mood and attitude? I watch them for awhile, not just at that moment. How are they when they aren't talking about their way of eating? Three days from now, when we're talking about going camping or hiking, how are they then?

These are the elements I look at when evaluating things like this. You can't convince someone with just words because people are usually set in their own ways and mindset. It takes a revelation to get people to think differently.

oh gosh, don't try to convince anyone, ever. why take that project on? you don't have to! just model polite, respectful behavior around the subject of people's diet (that means YOU don't ever criticize/comment on HER diet if you don't want her to do the same to you). everyone has an opinion, and we get to CHOOSE whether to be upset by someone else's opinion or not. i like to choose not to be!

kill her with kindness... "golly gee, thank you so much for sharing that with me. i hear that you are concerned, and i appreciate that you care so much about me. i'm really happy with how my food choices are working for me right now, but thank you!" if she persists, and it is upsetting you, set a clear boundary: "i appreciate your concern, and i respect your experience, but my food choices are my personal business, and they are not open for discussion. i want us to have a really good time while you are here. so let's go have fun!" if she STILL persist after that... well, are there any good motels in the area?

the good news is that her belief that your bones are turning to mush does not affect your bone density in the slightest!

All the above posts are excellent.

I would like to add that I suggest you support her and her beliefs with as much enthusiasm and respect as you would like your beliefs supported.

Listen to what she has to say, and remember to hear it not as something you have to do, but rather something that she feels is working great for her. Congratulate her on finding what works. Try not to discuss your viewpoints unless specifically asked, and even then, volunteer as little information as possible. Only when she feels completely supported and not threatened by your differences will she ever open up to thinking about your point of view. And if that never happens, that is ok too. If it helps, you can always reassure her that if a time comes when you discover your choices aren't working really well for you, that you will be very willing to change.

Hard as it is to watch a loved one make bad choices, just remember that at this time, she probably feels you are making bad choices, and however misguided, she is probably worried about you also. You can choose to feel the love in this or the criticism - choose wisely.

Sapphire

It takes two to argue. It takes only one to lecture. You can't do anything about her lecturing you.

I find silence and a deep breath are sometimes all I can do with some people. It is not easy sometimes... especially if they are coming to stay in your home.

Hang in there and come here to vent.


Lee

IMHO you can spout studies all day, send people papers, etc. and they will *hear* what you say and even *read* the cold, hard evidence, but it's easier to change somebody's religion than diet.

They have to make their own decisions in the end.

All you can do is be a good example. Show them it's doable and the results are great. The rest is up to them.

I work with a group of people my age and I am constantly being told how much better and younger looking I am compared to them. But nobody eats like I do. Yet.

Still crossing my fingers.

This won't be a popular opinion but I say if you feel like there is no way to avoid discussing things with her, listen to and really consider her opinions. We as raw foodists don't know we're right anymore than anyone else. There are no long term studies of how eating 100% raw affects the human body. I don't know of any 95 years old out there in perfect health who've been eating raw food their whole life.
Now let me clarify and say that I fully expect that there will eventually be lots of people like that and I think that this is the way we're supposed to eat, the way nature intended. But who's to say I'm right? We just don't know yet. We could be wrong. I doubt it, but why not listen to what she has to say and then consider that it could potentially be just as valid as anything else you've read. She is probably genuinely worried about her son's spouse and the mother of her grandchildren and is only telling you these things out of concern. Let her know that you're listening and you'll think about what she said. Whether you choose to take any action or not is 100% up to you. I personally think you'll be better off staying raw, but if you're strong in your convictions it won't hurt you a bit to listen to her and it'll probably make her feel a heck of a lot better, which could mean she won't push you about it in the future.
Or you could just tell her to mind her own business. I've done that too. In fact, I did it to my mother in law.

Quote

anuiyer7 Wrote:
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> My in-laws are coming to visit and stay with us for about two months

I would tell them they are welcome as long as they leave the food wars at home. Otherwise you may be in for a long and uncomfortable 2 months.

What I put into my body (mouth or elsewhere) is MY personal business. I don't preach, I don't lecture. I do keep lots of fresh fruit on my desk at work though.

Today, my 300+ pound office-mate brought in a large ziplock baggie of raw veggies for her lunch. She did wash it down with a Diet Coke. But you never know the impact you can have by doing what is best and right for YOU. I have never before seen this woman eat an unprocessed food product! I could tell she wanted me to see what she had for lunch today.

Of course, if cooked vegetarian food is right for someone, that's cool. It's not best and right for me, now. I just don't want others telling me that what is right for them is right for me.

Hang in there.

Lee

"Of course, if cooked vegetarian food is right for someone, that's cool. It's not best and right for me, now. I just don't want others telling me that what is right for them is right for me. "

Lee that is perfect. It's one of the things I see echoed a lot on this forum. If it's best for you do it. My great grandma lived to 93 in perfect health for all but the last few months and she had every vice you could imagine, but she was very happy with herself and accepting of other people as well. I think if you are happy about what you're doing you will probably live longer and in better health than someone who is miserable.
Of course the one thing I can say that seems pretty universal is that being 300 pounds(unless you're 7ft tall) is pretty unhealthy. The people I know of with unhealthy diets all have one thing in common and that is maintaining a health weight. Just my two cents.

Dear all,

I am so hapy and thankful for your suggestions. I will keep in mind and remember that argument gets us nowhere.

You know, I thought about living by example and I think she says that same thing to me. She says see I am 72 years old and I drink milk and eat yogurt everyday and I am not sick. I am fine. Again I think she is fine inspite of it, not because of it. Good genes or whatever.

My MIL says no one she knows has eaten raw foods like this and how do I know that this will work? Actually I don't know anyone who lived a long healthy life eating all raw (like Brenna says). So I could not say anything. It just stressed me out. Until then I thought I was doing the best thing I can for my body.

I quit all meds for a year now, and I am free of stomach pain and sinusitis. My husband is about 80% raw also. My MIL blames me for that too)

Cooked Vegetarian food with Dairy does NOT work for me. I have had that all my life and was always having some pain or other.

I just pray for peace in family. I hope I get that. I will remember all teh wonderful advice/ suggestions you have given and that will help.

Take care
A Iyer

PS: I had a "friend" who believ it ot not stopped being my friend because I quit dairy. She used to call me every day and we used to hang out a lot. I thought she was very nice. She sympathized with me when I went for my endoscopy to check for stomach ulcers and pre cancer. When my endoscopy came back fine, she was happy. But I struggled and struggled daily. One day I just went raw vegan and the second day I "forgot" to take my antacid - meaning I didn't have that much pain, so I forgot.. That was when I stopped the very powerful antacids that I was taking. I called her and told her that I found the cure that works for me and I said I quit dairy altogether. She was very upset.

Few days later she came to my house with a "Chai" flask and gave me spicy Indian Chai made with milk and sugar etc., I said I will not drink it and I apologized and explained to her that milk does not work for me. I repeatedly apologized. She was mad.

Again the same thing happened, and she insisted that I drink teh chai that she prepared in a party. and also try the yogurt dish. I said no and apologized.
She stopped talking to me after that.

She is also telling some commom friends that I am on some ridiculous diet making myself sick and losing weight so much.

What can I say? Again I prayed for peace and serenity and harmony and just left it at that. It is not my karma to work that out.

I am sorry I again needed to vent.

I agree with all that has been said here.

In addition, when she harps on how you will become weak, etc., why not ask her if people said that to her when she became a vegetarian. It may wake her up a bit.

But I agree it's no use trying to convince or change anyone - including trying to get your MIL to stop her lectures. I may help if you just let go of wanting to be right. Let her be right and just stick with what works for you. You can always say, I can't explain it but this works for me, just as your diet works for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2008 12:08AM by greenie.

While she is harping just nod and smile at her and let it go in one ear and out the other without comment. It keeps the peace but does require a thick skin or tell her to stop - your choice (even better tell her not to start).

The most important thing is for you to try and not get stressed about it (hard, I realise), because the stress will do your body no good. Let her talk, let her tell you, just listen poitely with a little smile. Surely she will have exhausted her lecture / arguments after a few days? SHe can't just say the same things over and over and over for 2 months, can she?? If you try to convince her / argue, then it will give her more to say as she will try and combat your arguments. Let the fire smoke away until it goes out. Don't add more fuel. and TRY not to stress about it!
Good luck.
Read and reread lots of material that encourages you and reaffirms your choice of eating raw.
Make sure you eat your 5-10% of non-raw in front of her. Maybe eat some of your raw food in the bedroom or backyard or, before she gets up.
You need to wait until she comes to you wanting to learn before you will convince her of anything.
She may be 'well' for a 75 yr old (I know one of those too, over 90 actually who has spread butter on her cheese all her life!! She LOVES dairy), but that doesn't mean that they feel as good as they would on raw. You said they are on medication. Who knows how much energy etc they would have on raw? Who knows what other problems they have that are accepted as normal (eg tired, dull skin, warts, etc) I was amazed at all the things I could write that were wrong with me when I thought about it. I thought I was healthy except for my excema until I really thought about it. My husband thought he was healthy too and told me so, until he started raw and realises how much more energy and zest for life he has now.
All the best.
Grayzie

Grayzie Wrote:
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> Make sure you eat your 5-10% of non-raw in front
> of her. Maybe eat some of your raw food in the
> bedroom or backyard or, before she gets up.

i was with you up to this point, grayzie!

i don't think anuiyer7 has to defend, prove, hide, pretend, or make a show of her food choices -- this gives too much energy to the battle, when she could simply withdraw from the argument while being absolutely authentic to herself. people think what they think. we cannot change what they think. to try to do so is crazy-making, manipulative, self-abandoning, and a complete waste of time.

all that energy can be used to nurture yourself, love yourself, nourish yourself. as a result, you create the conditions where it is more likely that people will accept what you are doing as positive. but if they don't, so be it, it doesn't have to affect you. what people think is always more about THEM then it is about YOU anyway. (just like what you think is more about YOU than it is about THEM.)

I see your point maui_butterfly. I was only thinking in terms of not fuelling the fire by eating the 'wierdest' (non-mainstream) foods in front of her and provoking / concerning her more.
While I still see my point, I also agree with yours as well. Is that possible?? lol

I never try to convince anyone of anything.
Ruth Heidrich and Annette Larkins are great testimonies though.

elnatural

totally possible, grayzie!

but can you hear the telephone reports to the SILs?!? "this morning i saw her in the backyard hiding behind a tree eating a raw broccoli head!" would totally create more drama!

LOL maui_butterfly heehee, you made me laugh

LOL maui_butterfly, Thats so funny.

Thanks yall!!!

A Iyer

Find some really stinky durian, eat it whenever she is around, and pray the smell will drive her from the kitchen. >8)

When we first went raw my closest sister gave me such a hard time about it. She kept making comments. She even alluded to the idea that I was forcing my husband and kids into a lifestyle they didn't want. It was strange because she was on one hand supporting raw (her daughter was the one who turned me on to raw) but criticizing it at the same time. When she found out we were only keeping three pots and two skillets she said "what will I use when I come?" When we were about six months into raw she said she wouldn't feel comfortable keeping the kids unless she could feed them what they want. We wrote her an email asking her what we could do to make her more comfortable without changing what we eat. She said she didn't like our attitude and we went through the next eight months barely speaking. It was so strange. My daughter and I were healing ourselves and she new this. It didn't make a bit of sense. She was a hippie, health nut from way back who thought raw was great. I think it had more to do with control and also a little to do with her insecurities about her own diet. On New years day she invited me over and told me she had cancer. She told me she didn't know why she had such control issues and was going to be eating more raw, including juices, to heal. I guess my point is that what ever your MIL says and does may have more to do with her than you or your diet. I was upset about my sister but I had to let it play itself out and all the while set boundaries for my family and our choices. Be patient with her and it may help if you feel comfortable saying things like "How can I make you feel better about my choices without changing them?" Remember this is about her and not about you. Maybe she is fearful of growing older and wants to believe she is on the best path. Seventy-two is not that old. My Grandma was caught sneaking to the neighbors and jumping on their trampolene at seventy-two. Her diet was allright, but she went completely insane in her late eighties and stayed that way untill her death at ninety-six. Her body was still going strong. Your MIL should be healthy at seventy-two. We all should. I want to be able to hike all day with my grandkids at that age. That is the kind of things I say to people. I am striving for more than most of what I see around me.

Good luck!