I don't know how to talk about it without causing hurt feelings and fights. It feels like their is a impenetrable wall between us (in some respects). The relationship may not allow me the freedom I need to explore and grow. This is what my dreams keep telling me. How long do I wait to see if it will turn around?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2008 04:08PM by Joanne81.

geeez joanne

that is a REALLY tough question

i sure am glad that i am not a marriage counselor (i think that may be a really tough job)

but i did do something that helped me before and made me PLAINLY SEE what was and what was not

make a list of all the things u like about him

make a list of all the things you WANT in a relationship

compare the two

make a list of all the things you don't like about him

make a list of all the things you don't wish to tolerate from ANYONE

compare the two

this may be a good START in figuring stuff out

it was mind altering for me when i made the list and saw some things REALLY REALLY clearly that i had not before

this was years ago

the list CEMENTED my decision to leave a relationship

but it could go the other way too

and u could look at the list and think " hey... not so bad " LOL

NO ONE else can advise you. I have been divorced, with two children and it was the most painful time in my whole life and went on for years - it was my choice too - ha.

I'm not in such a hurry to end a relationship now that's for sure (but everyone's situation is uniquely their own and I would never judge or say what someone else should do)

Do you have children?
Are you actively unhappy?
Would you consider marriage guidance?

Good luck what ever you do

love Philippa

Yes, it depends.

If you have children, and he's a good father to them, and he treats you properly and he goes out to work, count yourself lucky.

It's not about you, it's all about the kids. They love him and he loves them. Their welfare is more important than yours. You can always leave when they leave home. Your kids always come first, except --

If he has any serious issues -- like gambling, drinking, drugs, unfaithfulness, abuse, etc., that's another story.

If you don't have any kids and you don't Like him anymore, don't get pregnant.

That 'soul-mate" thing is over-rated. Probably one in a million people find their so-called soul-mate.

You're your own soulmate. Monogamy is just a social moree (sp?) to keep the fabric of society together.

Around 60% of marriages fail and yet people still keep doing it expecting otherwise. Sounds like insanity to me.

Sorry you got yourself into a restrictive relationship. Hopefully you can solve your problems with grace and you & your partner can both come out of it stronger (and hopefully still with a strong bond).

Also, that 'go to a counselor' stuff, is a bunch of crap. I went to a couple counselors years ago. It costs a fortune, and all they do is ask you "How do you feel about that?" every time you say something. Really annoying. No help at all.

And probably now the counselors are in bed with Big Pharma so they'll be trying to pump you full of drugs. Also, there will be a record on you that you have 'mental problems', and the way this world's going, that could come back to bite you in the a** later on. Even at the time of divorce.

Take that money you would spend on a counselor and stash it away some place so your husband doesn't know anything about it. Keep adding to it over the years. If you invest it wisely, you'll be all set when the time is right to leave.

If you decide to get a divorce, be smart about it, and go online and read all you can about how to be prepared before you say a word to him, or you could be in a mess you'll regret.

And remember --things can always get worse!

We don't have kids and am not planning to any time soon (if it all). We have only been married for a year. He is a good person, with many good qualities. I guess I am confused right now. I will make a list, perhaps that will help set things straight in my head. Lois, I have a weird feeling about going to see a councilor. I think I will take your suggestion. When I said "soul-mate", I didn't mean to imply that there is only one for each person. I just meant someone who you can communicate with at a soul level.

I agree with Lois.

May I share that I often thought that I had not found my soulmate. And maybe he is not my soulmate.But our relationship is quite solid *knocks on wood*. I've never been one for burning high-passion, jealousy, lovesickness, doubts, totally out-of-whack love affairs. That's just not me. So I stopped thinking about such things. And not looking at the other side of the street where the grass may be greener. But that is also because we have kids..I don't want to jeopardize my lil' family because of soulmate-woes <-- that is my personal opinion. I love them more than a potential other partner, who I don't know where he may be

In case of no kids, the situation is easier...maybe really writing down some stuff about your relationship would help. To kind of specify that gut feeling that there may be something wrong...

I would consider the advice of a professional, though Lois' skepticism seems valid - I probably wouldn't trust too much advice from someone who wanted to pump me full of drugs! haha

Best of luck!

maybe u should analyze the reasons as to why you are staying
and ask yourself if those reasons are acceptable to you

if they are, then stay in

if they aren't, then....

Hi Joanne,

He might or might not be your soulmate, but it's a tough thing to discern. One thing that helps is to look at whether there are any specific dynamics going on in the relationship that are straining it. In other words, maybe the relationship is a good one, but certain patterns need to change. I'll give you a concrete example-- yours could be totally different, of course-- my mate and I have a wonderful soulmate relationship, but there is an unavoidable dynamic in our togetherness that we have to be careful about: I'm somewhat in a caregiver position to him because of his disabilities. I can become overwhelmed and I can sometimes feel the need for more space, since we do almost everything together. (He's blind; I'm his 'seeing eye girl.') We work it out; I wouldn't trade him for anybody else because he's a GEM.

If you can go within and meditate every day, you'll probably figure it out on your own and you probably won't need marriage counseling; if that's difficult because of stress and worry, then maybe a counselor would help at this juncture.

hey someone once told me that if you wanna REALLY know what is WHAT

and test the relationship

then go on a three week camping trip together

i don't know how exactly that would help

but it sorta seemed to make sense to me for some bizarre reason

can anyone guess why? it made sense at the time.. now i don't know why it did LOL

LaV--
Do 2 week camping trips count? ;-p We go camping every summer for 2 weeks in July and sometimes 2 weeks in August too, and we're still goin' strong. I think camping is a great relationship test. You don't have many distractions to divert you from your relationship on a camping trip-- life is suddenly simple and straight-forward and you can't go out to the shopping mall when you have a disagreement-- and so anything that's obscure or confusing gets sorted out pretty quick, without a lot of mental wrangling. What really matters and what's really going on becomes crystal clear; that's what happens for me, anyway. I highly recommend it!

Actually, that's the main reason Jonathan and I like to go camping. Not only is it a health trip; it's a spiritual retreat that helps us grow stronger, closer and more psychologically sound together.

Sharrhan:


[www.facebook.com]

prolly cuz you`d be in the wildnerness for 3 weeks with no diversions. no tv, computer, probably no cell phone...the like. the other person is your only companion. trials will come up with lighting fires, food, water stuff like that. it would test if you can stand to be together and work things out together...at least that`s my take
patty

Joanne, have you seen or read the "The Painted Veil"? It's by Somerset Maugham. I think it might help you put things into perspective.

If he respects you, honors you, supports you with your goals, values your opinions, is honest and loyal and dependable, level-headed with money, stuff like that, he is probably a keeper.

arugula:


<<If he respects you, honors you, supports you with your goals, values your opinions, is honest and loyal and dependable, level-headed with money, stuff like that, he is probably a keeper.>>

geez , that sounds like MOST men

la_veronique Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> geez , that sounds like MOST men
>
>

MOST men? where do you live darling?? cuz in my world MOST men don`t think that way LOL...fortunately mine does and he`s a keeper...thats cuz i stole him from his mama young and trained him up right LOL just kidding of course
patty

Dewey --
LaV is an optomist!!! Arugula is right though.

Divorce him and free both him and yourself. Your "intuition" never lies. It's an extremely painful process, but don't do what I did and hang in there for nine years. My intuition told me six months into the marriage we were not meant to be together, but denial is a strong emotion as well. I hope you find peace...you deserve it.

Regarding counselors...there are also very conscious, evolved counselors. I worked with one when I experirenced depression during my recovery from a traumatic injury. I refused the drugs, but talking to someone truly did help. What you put out there, you get in return. If you think they're all crackpots, this is what you'll attract. Instead visualize attracting a very good therapist if this is the route you decide to take. Or at the very least, please talk to a good friend or family member that you can trust -- don't keep it all bottled up. This website is awesome, but it's no substitute for dealing with the changes you're going to be experiencing.

Blessings.

RawAngel

i would first ask how do i define soul mate?
i think hollywood has put a bad spin on love. they portray it to be all passion and sex all the time. for me thats not it.
don`t get me wrong, i want sex LOL but it`s not all i want.
i want respect, him to honor me, support me with my goals, value my opinions, be honest and loyal and dependable, level-headed with money, stuff like that.
does he have traits that annoy the heck outta me? yea sometimes. do i bug the heck outta him as well? yea sometimes. have i wished sometimes that i`d never married him? yea, in a bad time of our 17 years together. the thought was pretty fleeting though. can we live and survive without one another? definately.do we want to? no. just my .02 cents
patty

Counseling has really helped my marriage. Sometimes a marriage can't work till you get your individual baggage sorted through and worked out.

When you are attracted to someone, you are attracted to the negative as well as the positive. If it is more of a negative attraction I think it would be hard to make that work and possibly not for the better.

hey pakd4fun

<<If it is more of a negative attraction I think it would be hard to make that work and possibly not for the better.>>

what exactly is a NEGATIVE ATTRACTION?

if i am attracted to a guy and he has certain qualities that i don't like but then grow to like those qualities anyhow just cuz it is him.. is that a "negative attraction"?

i'm baffled