hey guys, i just wanted to run something by you and see what you think. i am a mom of 2 kids aged 9 and 12 going on 13 in october. the 12 year old is my boy.he`s a good kid going through the beginning stages of puberty. by good kid i mean of pretty decent moral character, no drugs or drinking and not much cussing that i`ve heard or seen on his myspace page. he just went to washington dc in where he was nominated by one of his teachers in school to go to a leadership convention there. he flew from vegas to dc all by himself and stayed in a dorm type place and spent 5 days there touring historical places and what not. so he`s a pretty responsible kid and i`m generally pretty happy and very proud of who he`s becoming. which leads me to my question. he hangs out with a guy, not alot during the summer but here and there, but in school they`re in the same classes so they`re together all day. problem i have is the content and language on his friends myspace page and i don`t know if this kid is trying to be "cool" or if he really is what he types and just hides it in the prescence of adults. my son says his buddy doesn`t talk that way, he just puts it on his page to look "cool". we`ve talked to my son about what this buddy writes and he understands our (hubby and i) concerns. i told him i was scared because i know that who you hang with can sway who you are and i don`t want that to happen to him. i don`t want to forbid him to see him as i don`t believe that`s raising a good thinker and decision maker and these 2 have been buddies for 7 years. am i doing the right thing? thanks for your thoughts.
patty

I totally hear you and feel for what you are going through - it can be so hard to know just how to approach stuff like this with your kids, but it sounds to me like your instincts are excellent. I find that my kids don't like to be dictated to by me, and they aren't at all impressed by the fact that I have somewhat more life experience than they do or any of that stuff (what a surprise hey?)

So it is true, this probably not the last friend or acquaintance your kids will have that gives you cause for concern. Luckily, it sounds like your boy is a smart kid, and given the opportunity, he will probably make the right choices. Every one is different, but I find that my kids respond best to being allowed to reach their own conclusions as much as possible. You might even be able to reinforce the opportunity of your boy to be a good influence to his friend rather than the other way around.

So for instance, if a friend has the habit of skipping school and has terrible marks, I try to discuss this in the context of how this would impact a person's life, and how do you think that is working out for them. Then I try to see if my kids are able to draw the right conclusions rather than tell them. Then I might say, well, you must think about doing that sometimes, and let them tell me. I usually find out that they already have the right values.

A friend of my daughter's had a problem with swearing all the time, and my daughter started doing it. How horrible, my beautiful intelligent girl spouting off garbage like that, it made her sound so ignorant and coarse. We argued a lot about her swearing in front of me, and I finally persuaded her that it was simply respectful to me not to have to hear that. But I made sure to point out that I don't do it, and I don't think it does much to make a person sound very intelligent or attractive. How would she like to hear me say the f word this and the f word that. Would she be proud to introduce me to her friends? Eventually, she just lost interest.

For my kids, I find that the more I can turn things around to make it about them, the better they respond. So if one of their friends gets drunk at a party, I ask them what they thought. I let them talk about both the pros and cons, and try to get them to imagine themselves and how they would like to conduct themselves in that situation. Or, if the situation demands, I will wake them up first thing the next morning, bucket of soapy water in hand and tell them to clean up the puke they left in the car when I picked them up from the party last night. (I am one of those moms who will go and get them any time any where in any condition if they will only get home safe, but luckily it doesn't happen often)

If you are modelling good values, you kids will most likely develop the same values, although they might take a few detours along the journey. Have faith, and try not to worry that you might sometimes not handle situations the same way the next person would. You have to do what is right for you and your kids.

Wow, that got long, LOL

Good luck!

Sapphire

thank you so much sapphire for your insight and experience. i appreciated all of it
patty

Kids are so great....

My mind is boggling about your little boy making such a big journey at the young age of only 12 - it must have been the most amazing experience for him.

Mine got to do an exchange at about that age from BC (I'm in Canada) on the west coast to Quebec, and one of my daughters did another exchange in tenth grade. For them it was especially interesting, because they were placed with families who spoke French, so the changes were even more challenging. Not just the different geographic location but a real cultural exchange! (My kids are totally bi-lingual, though alas, I am not at all!)

What a great experience for all of them for growth. I think it really expanded their perception of the how big our life experiences can be. When we grow up in one place and never see much beyond it, I think we sometimes forget just how big and broad the world really is, how much is out there.

Very wonderful for your son, I hope your daughter will also get this kind of opportunity!

Sapphire

would you think of talking to this child's parents and alerting them to what is on his myspace page? maybe it's because my kids are younger but that is the first thing i think of to do in this kind of situation. not to tattle but to put our heads together and solution it out.

You are a great mom, Sapphire.

Sapphire Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Kids are so great....
>
> My mind is boggling about your little boy making
> such a big journey at the young age of only 12 -
> it must have been the most amazing experience for
> him.

mine was too LOL. i was scared to let go, to let it happen but i had to. it was awesome for him and something he`ll never forget.

> I hope your daughter
> will also get this kind of opportunity!
me too. we plan on moving next summer and i hope her new school will offer something similar.
patty

coco Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> would you think of talking to this child's parents
> and alerting them to what is on his myspace page?
> maybe it's because my kids are younger but that is
> the first thing i think of to do in this kind of
> situation. not to tattle but to put our heads
> together and solution it out.

we`ve considered that and still may although we don`t want our son to get the brunt of it. i know it wouldn`t be "tattling" from an adult point of view but from there`s it would. we really want to alert the parents cuz i know they have no clue. my son spent the day with this kid yesterday and i asked him how his mouth was and he said it was fine. he said he wanted to talk to him about his page but he didn`t get the right opportunity...
patty

I totally would have agreed with coco when my kids were little, but the teenage years have taught me otherwise. No matter how well meaning you are, my kids would consider this to not only be tattling, but a complete betrayal of trust. I wouldn't risk it. Once your kid thinks they can't trust you when they tell you stuff, they will stop telling you stuff.

Besides, different parents have different standards, and there's a chance the other parents won't even think this is important. Or worse, some parents are just in such big denial that they automatically make it the fault of the other child no matter what the evidence, which can be extremely frustrating!

In my perfect scenario, I would wish to have the two boys sitting at the computer at my house (which is located in the main living room, anyone can walk by any time and see what anyone is doing on the computer - and I like it that way!), and I would casually walk over when my kid's myspace page was open and comment about something positive - that's a nice picture of you or something. Then I would hope to invite them to tell me all about myspace, and how they can customize their own page and how they can use it for different things. I would be very genuinely interested in anything they have to say. I might even ask the boys to help me set up a myspace page of my own. Eventually I would ask the friend if he had a page too - see if he cared to show it to me. Gently put him on the spot. I don't know how myspace works, but if I had a page and a friend list like facebook does, and I added my son's friend to my friend list, he might be inspired to make himself look a little better. Depends if your kids and their friends are willing to have you on their friend list. My kids have me on their facebook, and so do many of their friends. Whenever possible, I try to focus on the positive (ie, what an interesting, creative page they have created) rather than the negative. The kids really enjoy being complimented much more than being criticized, and often seek out to do even better (and get noticed! - which I am happy to do!)

But if I couldn't find the situation I imagine, I would try hard to be on the lookout for the next best opportunity.

Sapphire

i completely agree sapphire. with age we have to change our tactics and have faith in the standards we set down in the formative young years. i do have a myspace page and i had this boy as my friend but he took me off. i never once commented negatively so i`m not sure why he took me off. i have a few of my sons other friends on my friends list as well and all is fine. i am hoping that my boy will indeed help steer this buddy of his in a good direction. how old are your kids sapphire?
patty

19, 18, 16 (my daughters) and my son, 15.

When my oldest daughter was in Grade 11, she befriended a girl who was very seriously involved in drugs. It was terrifying. Money and other items started being stolen from our house. My daughter would disappear for days on end, and I had no way to find her. Sometimes I would find emails with scary references to wild parties and drugs - I was sure I was going to lose her completely. She was only 16.

One day she announced she was going out with her friend, and in desperation, I grabbed her arm as she was walking out the door and told her she couldn't go, that I would stop her any way I could. She became physically violent with me, and ended up leaving despite my efforts.

Her and her friend came up with what they thought would be a brilliant solution - she went to school on Monday morning, and reported me as a child abuser. I had to be investigated by the police (they eventually realized it was ridiculous), but at first it looked pretty bad. She hadn't come home, had stayed at her friends and I hadn't seen her since that night. So I didn't know, but at the party, she had gotten so drunk that she fell down the stairs and bruised her face. She never accused me of putting the bruise there, but I guess they just put two and two together and assumed I had (at first). It was scary, I didn't know how this was going to affect the younger kids or what was going to happen.

I think when my daughter concocted this story, she thought the school would phone me up, tell me off, and order me to quit telling her what to do. To allow her to do whatever the heck she wanted. Little did she realize that charges like this must be taken very seriously, and rightly so. It was a difficult time for me.

Eventually, the friendship dissolved, and thank God, my daughter never got addicted to anything (well, except cigarettes), and now she is a terrific person who has her life going really well. But anything could have happened, lots of great kids go through some pretty rough stuff. I don't know how parents cope when this happens to their kids, it is so heartbreaking!

Sapphire



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/30/2008 06:23PM by Sapphire.

first off WOW at the close ages and then WOW for the ordeal you had been put through. i think sometimes i get scared/worried because of the stupid things i did as a teen and i`m lucky to be alive. i don`t want my kids doing the same thing but i also can`t let my fear inhibit their personal life lesson and evolution. it`s hard and my road has just begun LOL
patty

You sound like you are in a good situation. You have a bright, mature, level-headed son and it is great that you have a good relationship with him. He is getting older and you can't really guard him from every bad influence. You can only teach him to be smart about the choices he makes. If I were you I would try to see what the situation is with his friend. Just because he swears on his myspace page (unless it was something very disturbing) it doesn't necessarily mean that he is a bad kid. Maybe you can take both your son and his friend out to dinner, a movie, mini-golf, or something - somewhere where you can get to know him a little better and see where he is coming from. Even if he does put on his best behavior around you, you can still get a feel for the situation.

eep! *scared*

my kids are 7 and 1. i remember how dangerously i lived as a teen and i hope my kids are less daring. really, fingers crossed. yikes!

its good that u all have kids


but gee whiz
i don't have such patience
in fact .. i can't imagine having to deal with something like kids running off and doing drugs or whatever

i'm so selfish
always keeping to what is on my OWN plate
not telling others what to do ( unless it is impinging on my freedoms)

etc.

it seems like if one were to become a mom
all that would change
and i like my freedom WAY too much

i also am not too big into CONSTANTLY caring for other people
so i would be very poor mommy material

but hey... SOMEONE's got to be the mom

so its better that you fabulous people are

instead of me LOL

i don't have the patience of a saint
nope
it will never happen

>>> eep! *scared* <<<

Me too!

But I have one that will be 13 in a month and a half!!!!

Things are really going good with her. A little healthy tude but that's about it. She has so much freedom with unschooling that her rebellion is on low. She had a friend that was REALLY into boys, my daughter is a little into boys. This friend was saying things like "I feel pregnant." They had been friends for 8 years. I talked to my daughter about our concerns and how we felt like boys should be on the side until you have grown and are looking for a mate. We talked about the drama that her friend was experiencing. We talked about our friend who is 22 and is traveling the world and says when and if she feels it is right she will get married. Eventually my daughter and her friend got into a fight over something else and my daughter didn't feel the need to pursue the friendship afterwards. We were sad things turned out that way but i was relieved at the way it ended.

Being on the cusp of your child's teen years feels, to me, like being at the top of a roller coaster. I am excited about it but I have butterflies in the tummy!

LaV,

I bet you are a really cool auntie!!

pakd4fun Wrote:
>
> Being on the cusp of your child's teen years
> feels, to me, like being at the top of a roller
> coaster. I am excited about it but I have
> butterflies in the tummy!

Well said, you couldn't have said this more perfectly, that is exactly what it feels like!

The lows are so low, you wonder how on earth things could ever be like that.

But the highs are so wonderful. For me, watching my daughter sing on a stage in front of hundreds of people and hearing them applaud and cheer her on, watching my son score the winning goal in the big soccer game at the end of the season, or the way my heart leapt into my throat the first time I saw my older daughter in her graduation gown, could that beautiful, exquisite young woman really be connected to me? It is as if your heart will explode with love and pride and joy. There is nothing in the world like it.

I think I am selfishly addicted to those times. So don't let us scare you off, La_V, it's not all tough stuff. Besides, like Pakd4fun says, I bet you are a really cool auntie!

Sapphire

I'm not even a cool daughter let alone a cool aunt. I rarely visit my parents though I guess I oughta but it just seems like they are in their own world and I am in mine and I just don't know what to say to them except just appreciate who they are. Not much conversation goes on during the rare occasions that I do visit them.

But hey, I continue to evolve and maybe one day I won't be such a selfish egocentric person that I am.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/31/2008 09:11AM by la_veronique.

I don't see anything wrong with selfishness if you don't have obligations to others.

LaV, In another post you talk about being happier now and wanting to be around people you love. In a way being a mom, aunt or friend is selfish because we are doing something to makes ourselves happy. Having children is somewhat selfish, I think arugula would say completely selfish. Someday, if it makes you happy, you may be a great auntie. If it doesn't make you happy than it won't make others happy either.

Hey guys -- good post!

Dewey and all the other moms with kids on the cusp of teenhood -- it IS like being on top of a roller coaster -- and you are in for the ride of your lives, so hold on to your hats!!! Mine took me for one HELL of a ride for a while (literally), but they all made it and are a joy -- they are my friends, and now they are raising their own kids, except the oldest one (LaV -- you'll appreciate this) -- he is 27 and NEVER wants kids, but loves his "delicious" little sister to death! He has a great life, surfing, studying green engineering, getting a black belt in Kung Fu, getting certified to teach yoga, meditating with his monk friends, partying with his non-monk friends (everything in moderation, including moderation!), basically doing his thang!! He calls me every once in a while and tells me stories about his life, but he lives three thousand miles away, so we are totally out of each other's hair! It's beautiful!!!

omg it breaks my heart to think of them off and living their own lives without me! but i am fully and deeply enmeshed in the daily living their lives with them, guiding, loving, being their full-time mommy. how do i go back to that person i was before they came along though? that girl who only had to think about and plan for herself, how do i be her again or someone like her? she doesn't exist anymore, i can barely remember what she felt like even... wow. that's a big transition to imagine from this end but i guess it will happen naturally and gradually in the evolution of our relationship.

Oh, don't worry, she'll be back with a vengeance! (it's called menopause, aka backwards puberty) And if your kids are rotten enough, you'll be kicking them out on their ears!!! Kind of half kidding -- it usually goes a lot smoother than that, although it did get that rough with one of mine. Even so, we are now friends. You have a long way to go to get to that point, and the bonds you are now creating carry you through the rough times.

pakd4fun Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

>
> But I have one that will be 13 in a month and a
> half!!!!
>
. A little
> healthy tude but that's about it.
> Being on the cusp of your child's teen years
> feels, to me, like being at the top of a roller
> coaster. I am excited about it but I have
> butterflies in the tummy!

mine will be 13 on oct 5th. i hear ya on the 'tude and the mood swings OMG. i feel the same coaster ride my friend
patty

coco Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> omg it breaks my heart to think of them off and
> living their own lives without me!

me too and then i can`t wait LOL
i sometimes have a hard time seeing my baby boy`s shoe size now at a mens 11!! LOL
patty

everything in moderation...even moderation
i love it. your son sounds wonderful and complete...well as complete as a 27 year old can be
patty