I wanted to write a story this weekend, I thought it would be fun to get silly creative after the serious research I did for posts on the main topics board. I wanted to start a story that everyone could contribute too. You know, a light hearted, ongoing, multidimensional, fantasy type thing. I thought we could even get Veronique to add her literary magic to it. I wanted to, I really did…Then I heard the news. News that I guess I’ve expected soon because of his age, he is in his mid 80s, unhealthy, and well, also because my dad is a life long alcoholic. It’s not my responsibility to make decisions regarding his care, but I believe in just letting go and not prolonging things artificially. He should be allowed to leave as God called him, not be plugged into machines.

I don’t know my father well, not now anyway. My parents got divorced in my teens, and we moved across the country. He was never a “be there” supportive kind of dad, and I don’t remember many good times with him as a child. I do remember the beatings, lots of them. I remember fun being spoiled by teasing, and mocking so he could have a laugh with his drunk friends. He tried, sometimes, he really tried to be a dad, but never quite got it…I also remember that my mom provided for us while he drank and cheated on her. I love my dad, but I don’t like him. As an adult I haven’t been much of a “be there” kind of son. My last visit was over 20 years ago. He is my father after all, and I remember him being a good man at heart, but he could never control his demons. Among other things, he had a knack for saying the most hurtful thing possible without realizing how much damage his words cause. And wow, can he hold a grudge! So I hated my father for a long time. But I truly forgave him years ago…

I have not had much contact with my dad for many years, holiday and birthday calls, that’s about it. I’ve sent him money as did my brothers and sister when we could, he’s been struggling financially. Now I’m struggling as well. I’ve been on disability for over 6 months because of my shoulder injury. My brother and I support my mom. There is no way I can go see him. I just can’t. I can’t be away, and I can’t afford a flight, no way, no how. At this point, I’m just trying to make sure I don’t lose my home to foreclosure. All I can do is pray. Pray and be grateful that the last time we talked, father’s day, was a good talk.

I don’t know how much of what I feel is love, how much is sadness, how much is guilt, and how much is anger. Maybe I should have done more for him, tried harder over the years, maybe…But when I got so sick eight years ago, everything about my life changed, drastically. My energy had to be spent on surviving and healing.

Friday, when my dad was admitted to the hospital, he was asked if he had any family to call, and my father, always using words as weapons, told the nurse that there was “No one to call, I’m a drunk, my wife left me years ago and my kids don’t bother with me”.

I love my dad, but I don’t like him. My tears flow freely as I ponder the horror of what could possibly be my father’s final words, while he lies unconscious, in a hospital 2000 miles away, alone.

I’m sorry; I wanted to write a fun story today, I really did.

Hey Swimmer--

I feel for you; I had an abusive dad too. Mine quit drinking when I was in my teens, though, and worked really hard to repair at least some of the relationships he destroyed with his drinking and abuse. Had he not been broken spiritually and emotionally and I not witnessed this, I can't imagine being able to spend time with him. Maybe I would have been able to somewhat forgive him from a distance, but I can't imagine wanting to hang out with him had we not come to an understanding that he was terribly wrong in the way he treated us and that he is never to do it again. Out of four kids, I was the only one who really ever wanted to hang out and spend time with him after what he put us and our mom through. It is sad because he had a lot of really great qualities that my nieces and nephews never got to experience, but I cannot blame them a bit for not wanting a relationship with him. Being a child of an abusive person is very challenging on so many levels, so be gentle with yourself. He must know on some level what kind of a person he is given his comment to the nurse. If he knows how to reach you yet responded like that, I would think that he is either too ashamed of his behavior to see you or too hardened.

At any rate, don't feel guilty because you cannot afford to go see him or to help him. Your first job in life is to take care of you, then to take care of anyone like a partner and or dependent children. Then, if you CAN, take care of others you love. He set himself up a long time ago to be at the bottom of that list, and that is NOT your fault. Prayer is powerful. Maybe someone will enter his life who can give him some positive interaction and ease him into the next dimension. I would pray for that. My thoughts are with you.

Hi Swimmer,

I'm crying for you and your father, and I pray your relationship will be resolved in the most divine way.

I think a few of us on the board were abused as children, and I know I just can't 'get over it'. Both my parents died a few years ago, and I still haven't forgiven my mother.

Would you want to be there with him if you could? Is he unconscious -- would he know you were there and be able to talk to you or understand what you say?


We are not our personality (from what I've read) and I think a lot of people are working on or experiencing addiction in this lifetime.

Lois

swimmer I feel your pain, Prayers from the west to your father and you.
stay strong.
riverhouse.

swimmer

that is a tough situation
u are in
i feel for u

You're a good man, Charlie Brown.
Let the guilt go, you have no reason for it. Cheers, and best wishes in these hard times.

i wish you peace and serenity my friend. let it all go... tears are the river of life, they are very cleansing. let it all go...

i agree with thomas lantern

no need to feel guilt
it will just add to the sadness

also i agree with coco

tears are good
let them flow

it is a pretty sad situation between u and your dad
it makes me cry just to hear about it

swimmer,

It's kind of confusing when it can feel like society seems to think you should be on good terms with someone with whom your overall experience has been negative. I'm sorry.

The one good thing I remember my dad ever doing with me was one Christmas morning he came right up to me, kissed me on the forehead and said "Merry Christmas" and walked away. I stood stunned. He never did anything affectionate before or after that. I didn't know how to respond so I'm pretty sure I mumbled "Merry Christmas". It was weird.

I wont mention any of the negative stuff cause I don't want to.
For his funeral I was asked if I wanted to speak. I was a little mixed maybe like you are now because it seemed like I should say something.

But how was I to build a speech out of that one thing when everything else was a nightmare? I passed on speaking and I don't fault myself.

I guess you can do what's gonna make you feel best and what you can live with. Good luck to you brother and I hope you are not too hard on yourself because it sounds like it's already been hard enough.

Best wishes, Kit

Wow, I find it surprising that so many others had abusive fathers. My father was abusive and a severe alcoholic. I questioned what I would do if he got sick or even if I would go to his funeral when he dies. If I don't go (which I don't think I would) I know it is the right thing. If I do go I also know it is the right thing. I have forgiven him and myself. You are a good person and doing your best. You have also been good to him, despite of everything. Let go of the guilt and do what is best for you in the situation.

for the record my dad was great. he's been diagnosed as bi-polar so maybe it wasn't so fun for his partners but us kids loved him So Much!
my step father however was an abusive alcoholic (learned it from his dad who learned it from his dad and so on...) so i hear that pain. i forgive him and i've let it go but man, do i have some memories i could do without! i'm just thankful that i didn't make babies with a man like that.

Thank you all!

I'm doing better today. Slept last night, couldn't sleep for a couple of nights so I was real tired. May be I should not have posted something so personal, I don't know...and damn it kinda sounds dramatic, I'm sorry that I made some of you sad. You guys are great. All of you!

Dad's still hanging there, I'm getting third hand information so it's hard. But, without going into medical detail, It's cardiac, and a real nasty systemic infection. I'm told his changes are still slim.

Thanks for the advice, I am feeling a lot less guilty. I'm more accepting of the whole situation now. And I've come to the conclusion, that dad most likely said what he said to the nurse, to be spiteful, and cause us guilt.

I've got my own problems to solve, things that I can do something about. First and foremost, I need to do everything I can to heal my shoulder. Not an easy task because it's pretty torn up. But that is where most of my energy need to go. SO, off to do my therapy exercises!

Thank you all again, for your thoughts, prayers, advice, and thanks for caring.

All the best swimmer, keep the faith in yourself strong and everything will take care of itself.

Wish you a speedy and full recovery for your injury.

Cheers,
J