Hi all

I have this situation that I have to deal with in a few weeks and I need some advice. I trust everyone's opinion here and I could really use some imput.

So, my boyfriend and I are going to volunteer at this music festival and see a couple of our favorite bands for free. I'm super excited and we are going to be camping in one of the most beautiful places in California. I can not wait. The only thing I'm a little worried about is that (I know it sounds juvenile) my boyfriends ex is going to be there volunteering too. She is not a normal mind your own business kind of ex, she is the worst kind who has broken my man and also tried to destroy us. I have been lucky that I have never had to deal with this person, I have never talked to her, etc, etc. But because of this person my relationship is always teetering on obvilion.


So what should I do? I am so nervous about even coming in contact with her. I'm afraid that I would lose my cool if she was even slighlty rude to me. I really don't want to do that, I know that I can handle anything with grace and that is how I go through everyday life but I'm worried that my bitter feeling towards her will get the best of me. Has anyone ever overcome something like this? I have been with my boyfriend for six years so there is really no reason for her to be so weird but I guess she is. My plan now is to avoid her as much as I can and if we have to deal with one another, I am going t do it with a smile and with grace, and hope I don't lose it. There is the dark part of me that would really like to show her how I really feel.

So is it better to kill her with kindness, keeping all those emotions inside or should I lay everything on the table. let that play out and risk ruining a great weekend for everybody?

Any insights would be great, I really need to figure this out.

I would treat her with the smile and grace first,then if she becomes a monster,just walk away from her.

I totally agree with raw1228.

Say the right things, be perfectly polite. If she does anything out of line, allow her to be the one to look bad, and just continue to be calm and nice. (and walk away if you need to) I wouldn't go overboard with kindness, but keep everything on a very even level. If anyone is going to act like a big jerk this weekend, let it be her.

I am curious about one thing though - after six years of a relationship with your boyfriend, how does this person continue to have enough power over you to keep your relationship "teetering on oblivion"? Especially if you have never even talked to her? I would ask myself why this is so.

Sapphire

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she gets under my skin.

I'm with Sapphire on this . . . I would need to examine why it is that I've given this person so much power.

Whatever you choose, I hope it all goes well.

This woman has done nothing to you personally. She had a relationship with your boyfriend, and after it was over, your boyfriend has held on to some issues around her, and has not let the relationship go.

I wouldn't be nice to her if I didn't like her. But I wouldn't say anything to her about stuff before the relationship, as that is none of your business. And if you can't be nice to her, simply avoid her. No need to get into a major melodrama during your vacation.

However, you have a lot of work to do with your BF about why your relationship is teetering on oblivion. The ex is not the cause of your relationship issues. You and your BF are the cause.

Bryan wrote:
> However, you have a lot of work to do with your BF
> about why your relationship is teetering on
> oblivion. The ex is not the cause of your
> relationship issues. You and your BF are the
> cause.

I had this realization after I posted. It's hard to come out of denial. My BF never really got over this person and a few months ago he had the opportunity to decide if he really did love her, to consumate it. So he made this decision and I made the mistake of taking him back when he came home. I am having a really hard time with all of it. It is really hard to find true love and I don't know what the right thing to do is.

I appreciate all of you feeback. I have to think more about the power I have given her, I feel a lot of anger. There are certian things that are out of my controll and it's my job to handle myself the best I can. Everyone makes mistakes I guess.

It was not a mistake if the conclusion your BF came to was that he did not love this woman and in fact loves you. No one is perfect, and perhaps he just had to know if he still loves this woman as she might have been his soul mate or the love of his life.

However, given these questions he was asking himself, I have to wonder how great he felt about the state of your and his relationship. And how he feels about it today. And how you feel about it.

There is no right and wrong answer. You have to go by how it feels to you. Also, if your BF is willing to work on communication and expressing how he feels with you in an honest fashion, and you are also willing, there is nothing you can't work out. However, if the channels of communication are not open, well, its going to be tough.

One thing you might do is to encourage your BF to spend more time with this woman at this event, and observe and feel him when he is in her presence. If he still is attached to her, and you are paying attention, you will feel it. And in that case, you might want to just let the relationship go.

As for true love, once you find the pure love already inside of yourself, you will never be wanting/needing for love from the outside. And if you do get in touch with this pure love, there will be plenty of wonderful loving men who will be drawn to be in a relationship with you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2008 06:05AM by Bryan.

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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/18/2008 06:23AM by la_veronique.

meganbubbs

it seems like you are trying to be a saint

it seems like you are trying to be superhuman

it seems like you need to just admit that you feel hurt angry, betrayed whatever

instead of trying to decide whether or not you are going to be "nice" to the other woman

or pin all the blame on the other woman

you said that she has destroyed your life

but your BF made the choice to interact with her in that manner

so who do you feel "destroyed" your life?

it does take two to tango

did SHE destroy your life?

did HE destroy your life?

or does the fact that you are simply HUMAN and you find it difficult to handle what happened "destroy" your life

i don't know

all i know is that that is a painful situation to be in

and i feel for you

because we are all strong

and we are all very vulnerable

and its sometimes hard to know how to feel or what to do

hugs

LV

Yes, la_veronique, it isn't easy. But knowing which way to direct your gaze (inward versus outward) in the search for love is way more than half the battle (in my humble opinion).

update

Everything was ok. Did not have to deal with her, only once when she lingered in the bathroom while I waited on line. Everything else as great, a guy actually gave me a flat of organic apples from his orchard, I ate that and grapes and honeydew the whole weekend and I felt so great I don't think anything negative could have penetrated through that energy.

geeeez

i must drink some honeydew grapes and apples too then

i wanna have an impenetrable shield of positive energy

YAAAAHEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

meganbubbs Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
I trust
> everyone's opinion here and I could really use
> some imput.

this is your first mistake ! JUST KIDDING !!!!!



glad you ended up having a good time i have had a few bad experiences with the others *ex* .. i find that concentrating on making our lives the best it can be can sometimes be the best revenge (if you wanna look at it that way lol) but honestly .. work on yourself and your relationship and the *ex* wont be an issue

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist