How to Argue Effectively and Constructively (versus Having an Ego Battle)
by www.sedona.com



Every argument -- when two people are trying to come to a rational resolution about a conflict -- has the potential to strengthen or weaken the relationship. Ideally, the disagreement should focus on the objective -- reaching a solution -- and not be centered on “being right.”

Often what happens, however, is that arguing plays to the egoist in all of us. And when the ego gets involved, you are no longer simply having a conversation, you are strangling it.
“An argument is when a discussion about opposing points of view becomes heated and we dig in and try to defend, justify or protect our point of view,” says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of training of Sedona Training Associates.

It is next to impossible to get anywhere during this type of ego battle because both parties are in a state of “one-upmanship” -- and feel that they must get the other person to see things their way.

“When you are defending any point of view you have become identified with it and therefore believe you are actually defending yourself, not your point of view,” Dwoskin says.

Getting Over Your Ego: Fighting to Reach a Resolution

The key to arguing in a constructive manner is to simply get over your ego. Ideally, your partner will also get over theirs. But how?

“The simplest way to break free of any particular argument and to break the tendency to argue is to let go of wanting to defend, justify, explain or prove your point of view -- and to be as open as you can to the other person’s point of view,” Dwoskin says.

You see, when you let go of fighting for your point of view, there is no longer a need to prove anything. The anger or urgent need to be right that you once felt so keenly will actually disappear, and your mind will become free to focus on finding solutions.

Further, as you practice empathizing with your partner’s point of view, you will break down the wall that you’ve both built up between you. Ultimately, you will see that it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, only that you can communicate openly together.

All of these things are easily attainable when you use The Sedona Method. This tool has helped hundreds of thousands of people to improve their lives, including strengthening, and repairing, their relationships.

Said one Sedona Method graduate, Judith Halderman from St. Louis, MO, “My relationship with my husband is deeper, freer, and more joyful and playful. In general, life is so much easier!”

This is because letting go of arguing for your point of view will take a weight off of your shoulders, and off of your relationship.

“Letting go is very liberating, life-affirming and relationship-saving if you allow yourself to do it,” Dwoskin says. “It will help you to be a lot happier with yourself and with others.”

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Jodi,

Thanks for posting this.

I hate reading mean words to anyone. It is offensive to everyone who's reading. It is no different than saying those things when you are out with a group of friends. Eventually those friends would ditch you for it.

I think since we are are not in a marriage here we can also choose to skip over posts or threads we may not care for. We don't have to get along to keep peace, we can ignore the people we tend to fight with. The board is full of those who do share your beliefs. Instigating and pushing buttons is not nice as well. Let us please all come here in peace!!!

Anytime you want to write something rude, please think about how it comes off to us. You are not only being rude to that one person but to all of us and many of us have said over and over it is against the rules and we don't like it.

I will continue to stand up for good manners. I have the diligence of a homeschooling mother of three well behaved kids .

Peace.
Kise'

Oh, oh, Kise -- you're going to get yelled at because you're not cyclopsale

Crap!!! Sorry guys.

I am trying to log out everytime I post and have Cy do the same.

Wonderful article! Thanks, Jodi. You'd think I'd be good at this by now, being a progressive democrat who grew up in a 'far-right-of-right' republican family with a military father, but I'm still as opinionated as heck and never really mastered the art of just listening to 'the other side' and not try to interrupt and voice my counter-argument every so many seconds. Well no, I guess I've made some baby steps: my mom and I have wonderful conversations, and I get along so well with her now that I couldn't even think of having political arguments with her. I know why though: ever since she had her NDE or whatever it was that transformed her into such an angelic person a few years ago, even if she talks about considering voting for McCain (she did about a month ago), or 'what a lovely family the McCains are' (gag), etc., it's innocent and without a trace of ego or a sneaky desire to change me or persuade me.

>“When you are defending any point of view you have become identified with it and therefore believe you are actually defending yourself, not your point of view,” Dwoskin says.<

Yep. This sentence really nails it. And if I can get to the point in a discussion (okay, an argument!) where I don't become identified with my position, I'll really feel like I'm home free. You know that 'hot under the collar' feeling you get when someone really challenges you in an unfriendly, condescending way? That's tough sometimes. I can gauge how centered I am on a given day by whether it gets to me or I can just walk away from it calmly and maybe even laugh.

The thing I've been thinking a lot about lately with this forum is that we're pretty polarized and very firmly entrenched on some key political issues (like right v. left and social programs v. free market philosophy, and so on), and whenever anyone posts an article or an opinion, they're preaching to their own choir, and then there's this chorus of protest from those who disagree, but it's kind of a fruitless dialogue that leads nowhere except to... right where we are right now, almost like a dysfunctional family.

Maybe learning how to get beyond this current impasse is our cosmic assignment; that's how it looks to me.

Sharrhan:


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Great insight Kwan.

I think we all feel like that at one time or another, attached to our point of view. When you actually think about it, it isn't an open minded way to be, yet we seem to do it instinctually.

You know how you wrote we are polarized? I feel kind of lost, in the middle somewhere. I am often confused, not by what I believe, but where I belong. I think I have more hope for the human race than others do. That is why I like the discussions here, when they're civil. It's because I can be in the middle and still have so many things in common with everyone.

peace,
Kise'

That's the Middle Path-- very wise! I'm in the middle on some issues too, but not as much as I'd like. Like I'm a 'liberal' in a lot of ways, but I don't fit the stereotype of the intellectual, humanist liberal; when I'm around intellectual political humanist types I feel there is something important missing from the conversation and I disengage.

The mistake humans make is we push ourselves into these templates (liberal, libertarian, conservative, new ager, techie... whatever), and get totally shaped by the label and stop engaging in original thinking if we're not careful, instead of sorting out all the facets of our beliefs and allowing ourselves the latitude and freedom to integrate our core truth into our outer persona. We know instinctively that we're a little bit 'fake' on some level, and that's probably why we hold all the more tightly to our opinions and labels and feel threatened when people argue with us.

Sharrhan:


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