I hope anyone can give me some advice, I am so worried.

One of my daughters is involved with a boyfriend that really scares me. They have been living together for about a year.

He has never hurt her physically, but he is so unbelievably controlling of her that all my mental alarm bells are going off, and I am really dreading just what this guy might be capable of.

For starters, she has been required to cut all ties to every single one of her friends. She is not even allowed to have connections with them on facebook or email. She had to delete every single picture on her own facebook of everyone except her and him. He works evenings, and she works days, but when he is away at work, she is not allowed to leave the house, or to phone anyone. (Even though she doesn't have a single friend left in the world right now, he gets to go out with his friends when he wants to). She is stuck in a horrible job, because he won't allow her to look for a better one. I tried to get her to look into taking some college upgrading a few weeks ago, and he threw a fit and ordered her to drop it. Said it would just cause her to go into debt. The other day I invited her to go out of town with me for a few hours to do some shopping and when she announced her plans to him (on the phone), he reduced her to tears, and she had to plead with him for about half an hour before he finally agreed to let her go (and I am her MOTHER for pete's sake!)

Even though she swears he has never laid a finger on her, he seems to me to be just the type of person who would have no compunction to harm someone who doesn't want to go along with his demands. And my daughter totally doesn't see that this is a bad situation. I could go on and on telling why I am right, and I am sure this is all very convincing, but the bigger question is WHAT CAN I DO??

My daughter is an adult. I can't tell her what to do, and I don't want to drive her away by making accusations that she can't handle right now. And really, it may be true that he has never physically harmed her, but I sure see lots of evidence of emotional harm. She just doesn't see it. This is not the lifestyle she has ever been exposed to at home growing up, so why on earth would she be drawn to it!

I seriously think that if she doesn't get out of this, she is going to end up in big trouble, but at this point, he hasn't done anything that I can prove. This guy comes across as so personable and likeable that people would never believe my suspicions who don't know him well. I think when girls are very young, this whole jealousy think might appear like he really cares a lot, but to me it just appears that he wants to have total control. I don't see this as a good thing at all.

Sapphire,

I am not a psychologist and I haven't been through this myself, exactly, but lord have I seen it. I hate to tell you this so frankly, but this almost always escalates to physical abuse. No one who truly repects his lover demands a monopoly on her joy.

Initially, a man like this lays the foundation for his lover's being totally dependent on him emotionally by forcing her to cut off all other avenues of support. This may include verbal abuse: belittling, doublespeaking, derision, and is coupled with excessive gestures of generosity toward her. These demonstrate that his opinion on all matters supercedes hers whilst implying that he is fair and loving partner who overlooks her flaws. The result is that the woman becomes confused, unconfident, and overtrusting of him, if she does not recognize that she is being manipulated. It seems your daughter is past this point. Once emotional domination over the woman is achieved, psychological domination through physical duress usually follows. It does not seem your daughter has experienced this yet.

If your daughter is not averse to discussing this with you, try to arrange to be with her alone on some other pretext, and in a peaceful moment, allow the conversation to turn to her relationship. It is very important that this not be confrontational. It is imperative that she see for herself that his treatment of her is unfair and that this is fundamentally a sign of disrespect, which cannot be tolerated. You have a good relationship with your husband, right? Perhaps ask her hypothetically what she thinks are the hallmarks of a good relationship, and specifically what she thinks of your marriage; whether she sees it as healthy and safe. Listen to her reply. Point out to her all that is wonderful about her. Without being overt, you must get her to consider whether she is getting what she deserves from her boyfriend. This will serve the dual purpose of reminding her that the right partner should mirror all her good attributes, and should treat her as well as she treats him, while reassuring her that you are focused on her wellbeing, and that you are someone she can turn to no matter what. Be emphatic about this--"I'm here for you." Make sure she really understands this.

As she is not a minor, you cannot force her into counseling or to leave him. She has had enough coercion already; you must take a gentle tack. Unfortunately, this is an escape only she can make. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have written of your family often and it's obvious you love each other deeply. I hope that this turns out well for your girl. Please keep us posted, dear.

Tams advice is good , if it escalates to physical violence though you may need to step in with harsher action

next time you get a chance to take her away take her to a battered womans shelter and talk to people there, give her a heads up on what is coming. if its bad now it will only get worse later. she needs to see the consequences of what lies ahead.

if she balks or wont come to the shelter with you than take the mountain to mohammed and invite some abused woman to your place and have her come over for *tea* she needs to hear from other people besides you that shes treading down a destructive road.

find out from her what stops her from asserting her god given rights and freedoms and why is she giving them up to this @#$%&. if she scared of XYZ assure her that , thats not a problem and you will be there for her.

im sorry you are going through this i was beaten by my exhusband and lied to friends and family too much to their frustration im sure, keep pushing , sooner or later you will break through !

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist




Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/25/2009 12:49AM by Jgunn.

Sapphire, so sorry this is happening to your daughter!

I don't know of any good advice to give you, but I hope your daughter will soon decide that being with this man is not the way she wants to spend her life.

I wish you and your daughter the very best!

Thanks so much, I think I am sort of on the right track, I just feel like I want so badly to do more, but I am really scared as one of her last few "outside" links, that I do not want to alienate her in any way.

It can be such a tightrope walk. She has two sisters who are involved with the most wonderful caring boyfriends. The contrasts boggle my mind, and on one hand, I would love to hold those examples up to her to show her how good things could be, but on the other hand, she could easily take it as a personal criticism on her choices, and that would just drive her away, so I have to bite my tongue a lot. Both of her sisters don't like the boyfriend much either, but like me, they know better than to make any obvious criticisms, it would only start a fight, and drive her farther away from us. She went through a rough period a few years ago, and wound up feeling like she is much less accomplished than her other siblings, so she really lacks confidence. (which would have made the college thing even more wonderful for her)

I definitely can't make any suggestion of abuse - from her point of view, that would be just too strong of an accusation, and in her mind, that's not what is happening. But I am glad to know that I am not crazy in thinking things are a little suspicious. This whole control thing is just making me very nervous.

I have known friends and family who have found themselves in this situation, and it just astonishes me how often it is the most beautiful, smart, amazingly wonderful women who have such perfect sense in every other aspect of their life, but still end up in the middle of a mess like this. It's really tragic!

Sapphire

this is like college textbook formula of a super insecure guy who is abusive NOW and not only if he raises a hand to her

why on earth would he not want her to see her friends?

why would he put up a conniption because you asked to go shopping with her?

true true what everyone above said

but seriously, if she can't see this then she will learn with or without you

you might want to give her a book that talks about this subject

she can see for herself that this guy fits the model of an abusive guy to a T

a healthy secure guy would WANT her to have friends, support and happiness

only a total loser would pretend that he loves her while simultaneously abusing her

what a total mind game

as far as the college thing

that is another red flag

she wants to empower herself by upgrading her skills and being more marketable in the work place


what guy would say NO to that?

1+1+1 does = 3 in this case

In a thread about abuse on a rock climbing forum, a woman of Greek decent described how the male relatives and friends would come to the aid of woman being treated badly, very forcefully if necessary. Call upon all your male relatives, friends, daughters boyfriends etc to do their duty and stand up for your abused daughter. They could start by just going over as a group and letting the reprobate know that they're not going to tolerate any bad treatment and spelling out the rules they expect him to follow. It could work out very well with the abuser brought back to his senses.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/25/2009 05:46PM by brome.

<<It could work out very well with the abuser brought back to his senses.>>

More importantly, the "abused" needs to be brought back to her senses. It could take a lot of work though. I think its ultimately up to that person to decide whether or not the changes they need to make within themselves are worth it.

i think bromes idea is a great one

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Why did she go for this guy in the first place?

Welcome back communitybuilder!

oh thanks suncloud!

communitybuilder Wrote:
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> Why did she go for this guy in the first place?


That's the thing. The guy is very handsome and very charming. If you were to meet him for the first time, I would be very surprised if you didn't like him right away. He is a real people person, very conversational, very easy and fun to talk to. You don't see the bad side until you get to know him better, and I worry that my daughter still doesn't quite have the maturity or self-confidence to see past that first impression. It's hard to explain why a girl chooses what she chooses, maybe guys too, but I kind of understand her, she just hasn't got the experience to see what I see. I imagine that to her thinking right now, all this jealousy and control are kind of attractive - he must REALLY love her to care so much. But I know better.

Still, not something most young people would listen to coming from their mom hey? It's like many things in this world, no matter how much I think I know, she isn't ready to hear it from me just yet. (Sorta like the trying to convert people to raw, haha!) I just hope she comes to her senses before it escalates, because I am afraid it might. For once in my life, I really really hope I am wrong!

Sometimes I think that a lot of us ladies, when we are young, believe that if we can only find the right way to make our partner happy, we will eventually find that one true thing. As we get older and wiser, we realize that what we really want is the partner who thinks we are so terrific he wouldn't change anything about us. I just hope she comes to her senses sooner than later.

As long as your daughter knows that you love her, and that you are available for her should she need anything, you've done all you can do. And it sounds like you've expressed your concerns to her also.

She needs to get her own lessons about this guy. Currently she values his good looks and charm over her own personal control and sovereignty. Your daughter is not a victim, but a volunteer. And she needs to feel the pain of the way she is doing it before she can change her ways.

There has been a new development....

My daughter and the boyfriend came over yesterday.

She has quit her job. She has no other job lined up. I asked her what her plans were, and the boyfriend interupted and announced that he "had it covered". At first, I thought he meant that he had found her a different job, but it turns out that he seemed to mean that he will cover the bills until she gets back on her feet. (but past experience tell me that pretty much any job she wants to apply for will get nixed by him).

This is weird, she has had to cover many of their day to day living expenses because he supposedly has little available money because of his large car payments for his very expensive car, his fancy designer clothes (who pays $100 for a ratty old teeshirt ???), and his shockingly expensive rings and watches. I have a feeling this won't go smoothly once the money gets tight.

I have a very bad feeling. Feels like another ploy to get more control over her, and I don't know whether he will handle financial stress well.

On the positive side, she spoke to me later about a time when they were thinking of breaking up in the past and he had promised to change, you know, all those promises that can never be kept. I told her that it was important to realize that people don't usually change that much overnight, and if there is anything about him that she is not comfortable with, she must remember that it might be something he is not able to change. So she needs to decide if she can live with the "flaws" in the long term. I hope she thinks about it.

if it were me, if the person is emotionailly abusive, I would, of course, love them anyway, because they are a human being, but remember that emotional and verbal abuse can affect you so negatively, and will, and you need to have some repsite from it, occassionally. We all have the potential to be emotionally abusive and verbally abusive, as well, but if it is ongoing and you think they cannot control themselves, then understand it probably wont get better or worse, just the same, and you will have to deal with it on a daily basis. I have not said anything mean, in about four years, except for a blog in which I saw this person was being mean to others, and I still should never had said anything mean to them. i am not a blogger, per say, but i had had dealings with this person in person, prior, and I knew how mean they could be. there is something in everyone that has the potential to be mean, and i dont understand it, but i feel really guilty for being so, afterwards. i guess it is true to think before you speak, even if you know they are trying to corner you verbally or emotionally. i will feel badly about what i said for forever and it is just about to sink it, and i wish others would think before they talk too. i analyze everything, but after the fact, lol

if it is physical that is different, and i would leave the relationship,perhaps, i dont know. most people have an innate capability to know what to do in order to stay safe, and you know their limits, tho they dont. i know i came on here because i linked in to abuse and raw foods, because i think they are connected somehow. The reason is because i have loved ones who can be that way, and rather manipulative in blaming their victimes, which are me right now, cause they sort of rotate, lol, not kidding, but I love them, and we are related and they are my everything, and we were all raised the same, so I truly believe abusive tendencies are a chemical imbalance, cause it is so rampant in society, and well, i just know it is for sure, and wont go into why i think i know, but it does give it an option, and of course there is all the genetic research, and i have anxiety which is a chemical imbalance as well, and i used something similar to raw foods, and it helped eliminate my symptoms for a short time, but i am having trouble sticking to the diet. There is also this to think about. Your daughter's boyfriend may be your son in law, and he is someone's son, and is a human being, and deserves to be loved. I could not look at it from this perspective, until I had experience with a loved one, so i know it is hard, if not impossible, to want your daughter away from that. i am not suggesting she stay with someone who would hurt her in any way. i am saying that he needs help, and perhaps a raw food diet, and supplements, could help him. i dont post a lot, and am through posting, per say, but just had to comment, and hope this helps. i need help as well and want this diet to help me feel better. i have been eating as raw as possible lately, and will continue cause i want the benefit of the enzymes. I also wanted to give some food for thought: Chemical imbalance can come from digestive enzyme insufficiency, as you all know, and so disorders like ocd, anxiety, depression, autism, parkinsons alzheimers, schizophrenia, mania, tourettes, etc, can all have a basis in that, so why not abuse? I just think because physical and mental and emotional abuse can be so parallel, for the perpetrator, it must be linked to messed up chemistry, as research is starting to find. If you think about it, I had an ex who would get angry over nonexistant things, and would lie and would just get physical and out there and volatile over nothing, and he would lie and manipulate, but he could also buy me something that he knew would mean a lot to me, or show me how much he loved me, so these dual roles of his seemed chemical, and he was not faking when he was nice, so I really believe it is chemical, and wouldnt it be great if it were, and we could fix our loved ones, and each and every, mostly young, offender, could be cured of their tendencies? I know my ex wasnt faking and i really believe he has a form of bipolar, only if affects his conscience, rather than his mood. He had a father who was the same, and was married multiple times, but my ex did not live with his father, so big case for genetics. I am just saying. i think this antisocial behavior should be rethought. I still have to rethink it, every day, cause i am subjected to mean behavior all the time, and i think to myself, that it is not my loved one, but is their chemical imbalance. In the case of physical, you should get away from that danger, but try to help them from afar. I dont have any answers, and my answers now, are subject to a little change, but not much. sorry so sloppy, but i dont have time to edit. if anyone wants to talk to me about the raw food, and anything, i have a phone number that i am happy to give out in an email, cause writing takes too long for me, lol and hope everyone has a great day -year life