My husband and I are separating. I have known for a long time that some things are wrong with him and I realized, after all the healing I have done, that I just can't live with the stress of his issues and he refuses to admit how serious his problems are. I am convinced he has some form of bipolar or some other medical problem that is similar. We have been in counseling and he lies and manipulates at every turn so, needless to say, that hasn't helped. He refuses to get evaluated for bipolar. I realized that I had felt comfortable with him from the beginning after having lived with an abusive mother and sister in my childhood. When I realized how sick I was and began all the healing I had to do, I could no longer be the person I needed to be in order to be with him. Also, his condition has become worse as he has gotten older. We have been married for seventeen years now. My heart is breaking for my children. We are keeping their lives as unchanged as possible and we are both committed to giving them the best we can. We still love each other very much and I am not really angry at him because I am convinced he can't help it. He is very angry at me, which is normal for him. It is so tragic. I feel such a great loss for all of us and I feel very sad. We are telling the kids tomorrow. I hope he decides to find out what is wrong and get help for it.

It's a shame he won't work something out with you after
17 years. People can change...maybe a trial separation will wake him
up, and he'll go for help. I take it that he's not a raw foodist.
I'm sure I can speak for everyone here in wishing you the best....WY

aww yep thats a shame indeed Yogi is right hopefully seperating will slap him back to reality that he needs to work on his problems and that you cant carry them anymore.

tragic for the kids yes, but its also tragic for kids to live with their parents being unhappy, ive seen so many families stay together for the sake of the kids and it never seems to turn out well because of the building resentment its felt by all ,especially kids , they are so much more aware of things than people think they are

lots of love and good wishes for your family hun, i hope it all works out one way or another!

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

pakd4fun,

Oh, I am so sorry for your family, and wish you all an easy and healthy re-adjustment, for that is what it will be. I also have to tell you how very proud you should be that you are able to take stock of your situation objectively and to decide it isn't what you deserve. That's a huge psycho-emotional accomplishment, and means you are strong enough to get through whatever happens next. All good things to you, your children, and you husband, who needs well-wishing more than anyone.

Thanks guys. your support is so appreciated.

Wy,

No, my husband is not a raw foodist. His diet goes back and forth between healthy and really bad with his moods. When he is happy he eats really well, when he gets depressed he goes back to eating really bad foods including cow and pig, fried foods and lots of junk. His weight goes up and down by about 15 pounds a lot. I believe this makes his condition way worse than it has to be.

Jodi,

You are right about the kids knowing things are wrong no matter how hard we try to hide it. Our counselor helped me to realize that. We are a very loving couple and I thought that would make up for the other problems, but I realized it just can't be good with the big elephant in the room.

Tamukha,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. You are so right about how much inner work I have had to do to get to where I am. I only hope he can do the same. I feel stronger than ever but I feel I need to be and I am scared but ready. Counseling helped me in that area too.

Good luck with all this, sounds like you are doing the right thing for you and your family.

I can not imagine how hard it will be to seperate after 17 years, my heart goes out to you. May you find peace.

Kise,
I am so, so sorry to hear this. You and your fmaily are in my thoughts.

Sharrhan:


[www.facebook.com]

pakd4fun Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> .....I just can't live with the stress of his
> issues and he refuses to admit how serious his
> problems are. I am convinced he has some form of
> bipolar or some other medical problem that is
> similar.
I lived 6 months with a person who had Bipolar
Disorder. I was put through 'Holy Hell'....so I have an idea
of what you've been going through.
I've read that a person with Bipolar shouldn't Fast, but that
is because of the medication being eliminated through the organs.
Since your husband isn't taking medication, I feel a Water Fast
would be beneficial....WY

Pakd,

Hugs to you.
This sounds very very difficult.
i can only say that you need to give yourself lots of gentle care and love during these times. I am wishing everyone the best.

Thanks so much everyone, you guys really are the best.

Things are going much better than expected. We told the kids yesterday. We kept it upbeat and talked about it being a new adventure for our family. We went to Goodwill and got some things for Daddy's new apartment. The kids were actually smiling. That was a huge relief for my husband, who worries about about everything. I think the worst case scenarios go through his mind. We all know this is what is best, even the kids. My husband has plans on journaling, eating better, nurturing some friendships and exercising. He is planning on staying in couseling and has started on supplements for depression.

I feel so positive about this.

Thanks for your support! It makes me feel stronger!

It's great that you both are trying to keep this as positive as possible for the kids. I've been there, and my situation wasn't so positive. Unfortunately, the kids suffered because of it and there were several difficult years. Also, especially with kids, divorce is never really final. My thoughts are with your family.

Thanks for your thoughts and kind words Sundancer.

I am sorry to hear your divorce wasn't more positive. It is a very difficult thing to go through.

hey pakd

that is pretty amazing that he is agreeing to all those wonderful changes to improve his life and thus himself

i think that sometimes people just need their own little space to figure it all out

and a space or a breather is simply necessary

still wishing everyone the best

very cool about your husband looking at things in a positive way!

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

pakd4fun.....I keep thinking about you and your family.
That means Powerful Energy is flowing your way. I have a feeling
that everything is going to be okay....WY

Thanks you WY. You are a sweetheart!

It is very cool that his attitude is good. I am hoping for the best. We had a really good weekend and he and I both agree we made a good decision. He was so nervous about what we were doing to our kids and he feels so much better now that they have taken it so well. My husband took my lead and they took our lead. We let them know that this is a good thing and because we always tell the truth, they are secure in that.

I feel so odd now. I don't know what my future is any more. All the things I imagined for my future, the kids future, are not there any more. I know they were just an illusion, and you never really know the future, but my illusion is gone and I don't know what to replace it with.

Thanks so much for being here guys. Also, thank for all the wisdom and enlightenment I have gotten from you over the last few years. I have grown and healed, and I never could have gotten here without you.

sorry, i read this the other day and i was too sad for you to reply at the time. transition can really stretch you out, no? it's good, bad and sometimes ugly i think. sounds like you are holding up well, adjusting, you and the kids and papa to a new reality. i'm glad that you sound positive about it all, that's good to hear.
my papa is moving in with us next month to help me out with the kids, he's retired now and has time on his hands for such a thing. he's bipolar too though which makes for a challenging situation for sure, i feel you girl. sometimes he decides to stop his meds which i can't in good conscience object to, considering my stand on chemicals and health, but the ensuing madness is very difficult to deal with. it's depressing, it's hard on every one around him too which makes me worry about how the kids will perceive it and deal with it. i can only imagine how you've all managed to cope. i guess i'll get to see for myself soon enough. wish me luck! and best of luck to you with your transition.

hey coco,

Thanks for the caring thoughts.

It is interesting, I have a bipolar papa moving out and you have one moving in.

I have wondered how we have done it for so long. I think his case is mild, but getting worse with age. If he acknowledges his illness and takes more steps to control it, (which is weird because he is doing some things to help like supplements for depression even though he says he doesn't have a problem) we can work through it. I get the brunt of all is hostility and I realized this last year what a toll that has taken on me. "Dealing" with it made me ill. I learned here that I can not heal through diet alone. All aspects of my life have to be healthy.

On a high note, I think this is the most peaceful, loving separation ever.

I hope living with your papa works out well. Best of luck to you!

Hey pak,

I just want to say that your one of my personal heroes . You have obviously thought this through very thoroughly and have probably already considered this, but there does not need to be stigmatical lable or perception attached to this change. It is so prevalent in our society today, to treat partner relationships as an on/off thing with strict rules of conduct. My personal feeling on this, is that it would do the whole world a favour if these considerations were dropped altogether.

Relationships will always change... it is life. The onus of responcibility, commitment, respect, honesty and love, do not depend on rules of behaviour and social standards of propriety. These virtues exist without form, and their expressions are adaptable. I feel quite passionately about this, especially when I see so much unnecessary conflict experienced due to these standards of percieved righteousness.

I think that allowing change can be the greater act of love in certain situations, as some of the others above have already pointed out. Congrats on making such a profound change in your life. You are a shining star.

Lightform,

Thanks for the huge compliment. You made me feel really good. I have been feeling a little scared lately. Not about our decision, but about being without my man after so many years. Who will I be now? that sort of thing.

"Allowing change can be the greater act of love in certain situations..." I love this!! Thank you! Thank you! I feel great right now.

You are also a shining star.

pakd4fun.....Where are you now?....WY

Hey WY,

Things have been very transitional for us. My husband has been going through a lot of emotional ups and downs (mostly downs). I just got back from meeting him to pick up the kids and I was a few minutes late because of heavy rain and he was in a terrible mood. I felt so glad that I only had to spend a few minutes in that tense environment. My daughter mentioned his mood to me.

I am trying to figure out how I am going to support myself. I am going to board a horse or two and I am going to provide in-home child care for extra money. If I could find a suitable boarder I could rent out a room and bathroom. I can't imagine leaving my littlest one to work outside the home yet. I am open to ideas if anyone has any.

I feel so much more at peace and relaxed now. I know I made the best decision.

Thanks for thinking and asking out me. I am doing great!!!

Kise'

Hey Pakd

I remember your sharing pics of your AWESOME Thanksgiving dinner last year. Have you perhaps thought of making incredible meals for your neighbors and maybe even delivering them? It could turn into a beautiful business: You obviously have a lot of talent in creating delectable raw foods. I wanted to take some of those rawesome thanksgiving dishes straight out of the pics and devour them myself

Or maybe you could set up a table of your creations on certain days/times in front of your place like your own personal farmer's market That way, you don't have to deliver. They come to you.

LaV, Thanks for the advice, compliments and remembering those pics!

I have thought a lot about doing something like that. There is a natural foods store in Lake Charles that promotes raw foods. They even have raw food classes. I was thinking about having a booth at the farmer's market in Lake Charles and try promoting it at the health store. I was thinking about making some different foods, like cereals and crackers and even fruit cobbler, and selling them. I had a friend in New Orleans who did this and she said she worked a lot of hours to make money at it, so I am not completely sold on that idea. I was also thinking of selling blueberries and blackberries (next year) that I pick, and vegetables and fruits I grow. I was thinking my kids could make things to sell too. I love the idea. I love being at the farmers market anyway. It sounds like a great job!

If I can put enough little jobs together, along with child support, I can make this homeschooling thing work and keep my place. If not I guess I will move to back to Houston where I have more work opportunities and support of friends and family. Even though I don't want to live in the city, there are great opportunities there to think about.

You guys are the best support group. Thanks so much!!

Hi Pakd,

Start small and build up a clientele of people who like your foods then you can expand as you have knowledge of which foods are a best bet with the people there etc. Also, talk with them and ask what they want. For example, if some people say : "I really like spicy raw crackers but never seem to have the time to make them. I sure would like to see those on the market." You can then take scrupulous notes of what people want and cater to them. You can also put in "order sheets" and have them fill out what they want ( you can put the items and an empty box next to them to check off) and pay in advance. So, you can use your farmer's market as an exposure for a behind the scenes raw culinary business. You can use mail order to deliver things like raw crackers. Give them the option to pick it up at your place ( or at the farmer's market) or have them pay for shipping. If you also plan to do in home child care,you can still have the dehydrator doing its thing for hours while you tend to the children. As you make things for the children, you can also prep extra batches for your business or vice versa The blueberries
and blackberries sound deelish and refreshing. I love blueberries especially because they are so sweet and I have a fetish for antioxidants

pakd4fun,

Glad to hear you are doing OK. ALso glad to hear that you are aware of your options and ambitious to exploit them. It's good that you are being proactive and not despairing or making rigid judgments about what to do. la_veronique's advice is really good. Put feelers out and see where there's a niche that you can fill. I wish you much success : )

hey if you have room for horses could you pet sit other animals as well? i have a few wealthy people that leave their precious pets with me and they pay very well knowing their dog or cat bird or fish is not stuck in a kennel and get personal attention all day long you would be suprised how many people appreciate finding a place where they know their pet is in a safe and happy environment and it helps your own pets if you have any by introducing them to other animals outside their own social circle

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

pakd4fun Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My husband and I are separating. I have known for
> a long time that some things are wrong with him
> and I realized, after all the healing I have done,
> that I just can't live with the stress of his
> issues and he refuses to admit how serious his
> problems are. I am convinced he has some form of
> bipolar or some other medical problem that is
> similar. We have been in counseling and he lies
> and manipulates at every turn so, needless to say,
> that hasn't helped. He refuses to get evaluated
> for bipolar. I realized that I had felt
> comfortable with him from the beginning after
> having lived with an abusive mother and sister in
> my childhood. When I realized how sick I was and
> began all the healing I had to do, I could no
> longer be the person I needed to be in order to be
> with him. Also, his condition has become worse as
> he has gotten older. We have been married for
> seventeen years now. My heart is breaking for my
> children. We are keeping their lives as unchanged
> as possible and we are both committed to giving
> them the best we can. We still love each other
> very much and I am not really angry at him because
> I am convinced he can't help it. He is very
> angry at me, which is normal for him. It is so
> tragic. I feel such a great loss for all of us
> and I feel very sad. We are telling the kids
> tomorrow. I hope he decides to find out what is
> wrong and get help for it.

So sorry for what your family is going thru. But one of your sentences above really stood out to me -- "I realized that I had felt comfortable with him from the beginning after having lived with an abusive mother and sister in my childhood."

You are probably doing what is best for your children by separating. You are stopping the cycle. Hopefully they will grow up realizing the difference between being in a healthy relationship and one that isn't so healthy and will seek out a partner who is emotionally healthy.

Good luck to you and to your children.

I just joined this board and am catching up. I wanted to let you know that I am bi polar (am a female, 40) and I am so glad that my husband stuck it out with me. We have three beautiful children. I know that during the bad times, the kids were happier when I was at work and wasn't home but at the end of the day, no child wants their parents apart. They will tell you that they are fine because they are scared but I am so thankful that my family stood beside me. It takes time and again, I am so thankful that my husband didn't leave me. I could not have done this without him. After 21 years....had we seperated or divorced I would have just dated on the rebound anyway....nothing can replace the very family you built. Hang in there and don't give up. No one or nothing else is worth your own children's happiness. Spare them the trip to Dr. Phil....never give up. I knew those that were transferring over to our world of eating the right foods and just because they fell off the wagon, I never gave up on them. Everyone is human. Good luck sweetie and give him a chance for you and for your children.

geenbeany:

you say

<<the kids were happier when I was at work and wasn't home>>

yet in the same breath you say "no child wants their parents apart."



are you telling them that they ought to put up with abuse at whatever cost

just "stick it out"?

loving another person begins with loving oneself

sometimes loving oneself means saying NO to perpetual abuse

saying YES to respectful behaviour is a good start and when that is not happening , sometimes people need to take a break to figure things out