Insomnia... tired as heck, but cant sleep no matter what I try, I even took 3 Tylenol pm as a last resort, felt drowsy for a bit, then it passed... I bake compulsively when I'm up all night with nothing to do,lol...My dad, whom I live with now after having lost my job, knows this...so to support me and my goals of eating healthy, he does the opposite and always makes sure there are plenty of baking supplies around so when the compulsion hits me, I can make tons of yummy things, most of which he gets to eat, as I can usually resist them for awhile...

And for those who are gonna give me some kinda pep talk about self control, and how I can do it, save it, I appreciate the effort, but Ive been battling OCD my entire life, and although Ive shown improvement in some areas, it is an uphill battle... but hey, there are some improvements I'm really proud of, I couldn't eat food that had touched each other as a child, and I happily mix my foods now, although some mixes still bother me, like corn and mashed potato's still bother me...just cant have them mixed... Also, I'm able to eat out now, as long as I'm able to see into the kitchen of the place I'm at and can tell that its fairly clean...

I can touch other human beings without having to immediately wash my hands now, that was a big one, as I always really hated that, cause most people would get insulted, and I really never wanted to hurt their feelings, but I couldn't help it... so its nice now that I'm at least able to wait till an opportune time where it doesn't seem like the hand washing has anything to do with them... Usually...

I used to never be able to step on cracks either while walking, they always bothered me, and no, not because of the rhyme about breaking your mothers back if you step on them,lol... I just didn't like stepping on them, now sometimes I even make myself step on them, especially if I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with them again... its how Ive reduced all of my symptoms, they refer to it I believe as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, forcing yourself into situations in which you have to face your compulsions, and many times are stuck with the fact that you cant do what you would normally do in this situation... like having a friend drop you off in the middle of a really really old parking lot, where you cant go anywhere without stepping on cracks... or in the case of food touching, requesting to only be served food that is touching, nomatter what one asks for in the future... and eventually you get past it, or you starve... considering how severe my aversion was, I did almost starve getting over that one...

Still have a thing for numbers though, the number 3, and the number 5, great numbers...There are many things I do consciously and unconsciously in 3's and 5's, 15 is ok too, as it is a multiple of 3 and 5... anyway, I bring this all up, because when im in the middle of a strong compulsion, and im trying to fight it, I become extremely depressed and vulnerable, and I came on here to talk about it, as a way to keep my mind off the compulsion, silly I know, but talking about it, means im not actually doing it... those bananas are so ripe though, perfect for chocolate chip banana muffins... I really hate this, fighting these compulsions for so long, I know the progress Ive made should give me hope, Ive made some big strides... but its at times like these where it all just seems to tower above me, like some monster just about to strike, inches away from my throat... and then once again it will have me in its grasp, controlling me, raping my free will... and it never stops, and no one ever understands, chances are you all think im insane now, and I dont blame you...I probably am...

Uh, stop knocking yourself. I think it's sanely human to have obsessive tics about the material world. I listen to certain music only on overcast days, I snap my fingers three times when crossing my bedroom threshold, I still don't step on cracks when I walk down a sidewalk. These are things I picked up in childhood, and which never became a serious pathology. But they were heading that way, and I bet the cause is common: a lack of control over my environment/circumstances early in life made me feel very insecure, so I tried to overcompensate by exerting undue power over the things within my control. Eventually, as I experienced greater success in autonomy, my tics diminished in number and scope until they are barely noticeable now. Further, I was a dysomniac until I was twelve; could fall asleep but couldn't stay asleep, and woke up every night(every night) with night terrors. So you have my sympathy about your insomnia, and how. It is hell. There got to be a point when I was tired of being tired, around puberty, and I had a long talk with myself and just started sleeping well after that. It may not be that simple for others, but I didn't expect it to be for me either.

The thing is, and please forgive me if this hews a bit too close to advice to show some self control, but you are in charge of what happens to your body and your immediate physical environment. So you can try to be aware that you are making choices that further consolidate your control over yourself and your autonomy, or that you are making choices that limit your control over yourself--unhealthy eating ultimately makes your body a hindrance to you and it becomes other people's problem, for instance. You are aware that you are engaging in counterproductive behavior. Now, maybe think about why, and whether it's still necessary. You've made a huge amount of progress already, and it sounds like on the power of your own will. That's astounding; lots and lots of people fail to do what you've done. Keep watch over yourself, keep examining your behavior and what motivates it, and maybe slowly slowly, you will wean yourself of these habits. You must believe that you can.

P.S. Go ahead and make those banana muffins. Then take them around to office parks and see if you can't convince someone to start buying them from you for their employee coffee breaks. Make a bad thing good.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2010 02:36PM by Tamukha.

Tamukha, I mean this in the most platonic, but heartfelt way possible... (I found I have to use that qualifier, or people tend to get the wrong idea...) I love you... thanks, the only reason ive been able to reduce my behaviors has been from analyzing them, their causes, and systematically forcing myself out of them while trying to deal with the base cause, and it wasnt till now, when what you said really resonated with me, that I realized that the base cause that all of the others stemmed from, was the feeling of having no real control... So I had to exert that control in parts of my life I was able to... the psychiatrists used to tell me, that I would never see a reduction in my symptoms without meds and intense therapy... and I think in a way, that feeling of not having control over anything that may be the base cause for my OCD, is part of what has driven me to try and control it,LOL... talk about a catch 22...or something like that... the disorder im fighting against, helping to give me the strength to fight against it,LOL...

Its just hard to feel like I can really beat them though sometimes...its been over 14 years since I started making a conscious concerted effort to get better, and although there is progress, it just feels so slow... maybe this new realization will help speed the process up a bit, i dunno... whats funny, is that although I do seem to have all these control issues with myself, Ive always been like repelled by the idea of controlling another, to the point where If somebody asks me my opinion, I can give it, but if they ask me in a way like... "what should I do?" or "tell me what I should do!" even if Its quite obvious what would probably be better for them in the long run, I cant get myself to give them that advice...it just tends to stick in my throat... and ends up coming out more like "I dunno, want a hug?" lol... I'm only lately able to get myself to even disagree with people when I believe what they are saying is incorrect, normally id just ignore it...

Also, on a side note... no office parks in my town, as there are no big concentrations of offices, the entire county only has like 24,000 in it, and I believe around 3-4k of those are prisoners at the prison if I remember right... I'll just leave them all for my dad... or give them all to my friends, if I do that often enough, maybe he will stop buying baking supplies,LOL...

I have often wondered if I suffer from slight OCD. I notice that I have a few habits that I can't explain. The stepping on cracks has always been an issue with me but not all the time...only if I am walking down the sidewalk and start thinking about the cracks...then I can't step on them. A really weird one is when I am driving and it starts getting dark or raining or anytime when you should have you lights on...I cannot stand to have other motorist see me turn my lights on. I will drive fast to get around a curve or slow down until the cars in front of me are out of sight, or even stop until I am "alone" on the road so I can turn on my lights. Explain that one...lol...there are some others too but nothing that really has much effect on my daily life...I would call the quirks more than anything.

As far as you being insane...I don't think that. OCD is a real issue that plenty of folks have to live with and I applaud you for your efforts in dealing with you issues and overcoming some of them and progressing on others. And I am the exact same way with controlling people and making decisions for them. My fiance hates it because everyday...Her - "What do you want for dinner?" Me - "I don't know" or "I don't care"...lol...drives her batty. It also makes it difficult in my work (not so much cause I was recently laid off) since for the last 10 years I have worked as a law enforcement officer, a job were I HAVE to be in control. I hated it. Even the stress of being out of work is not as bad as the stress I had going to a job that was such a mismatch for me.

Oh, you're not alone, I'm of the opinion that we all have varying degrees of OCD. I know I have some tendancies, mental illness runs in my family and I see the shadow of a manic depressive condition in some of my behaviors.
I can't fall asleep, I don't stay asleep. I craft, I work, I read. Whatever. Eventually I pass out for at least part of the night.
When I was a child I played a game with myself, whenever I had an itch I wouldn't scratch it. Not at all. I also changed the way I walked from toes slightly pointed out to straight forward, how I walk to this day. That may not seem like much but I was only 5 years old and exerting any sort of self control at that age is an enormous undertaking. It was the only control I had on my own life during a period of fear and instability.

I read a book once, I know I mention it often but it was the greatest help to me of any book in my life. Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It's very good, it made a difference for me not so much in how I act and what I do but in how I feel about it. That's the only thing that really matters after all.

Aw, Curator, I [platonically] love you back, puddin' : )

Just remember: while at this time you may be your #1 enemy, you are at all times your #1 BEST FRIEND.

Curator Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Insomnia... tired as heck, but cant sleep no
> matter what I try, I even took 3 Tylenol pm as a
> last resort,

Try 5-HTP as a last resort sometime:
[www.5-htp.net]

"Studies have shown that 5-HTP improves the quality of sleep by extending the REM phase significantly as well as increasing the deep sleep stages of non-REM sleep without increasing total sleep time.

This provides an advantage over many prescription sleeping pills that may actually make insomnia worse by interfering with the normal sleep pattern. These drugs tend to disrupt the REM-phase sleep and the non-REM deep sleep stages, resulting in a superficial sleep that provides little benefit. In contrast, 5-HTP enhances both REM and the deep-sleep stages by raising serotonin levels, the fuel your brain needs to regulate sleep activity."

Melatonin really works well for me too. I have not used it for a long time but when I would it really relaxed me and enabled me to get to sleep. I would take 3mg at a time.
I suffer from restless sleeps and often have trouble falling to sleep. I have actually noticed since changing my diet I have had better sleep and easier time falling to sleep.

First, just for the record, I like you Curator and it seems like other people here like you too! If you happen to be insane (though I don't think so), you're a likeable person anyway!

Nothing to offer about the OCD, but about the insomnia, what works best for me is strenuous exercise during the day. At least one hour.

thanks everyone for your responses, I really appreciate it, I woke up going "OH CRAP< WHAT DID I DO?!" then I came on here fearing I would really regret posting this, and found that my fear was unfounded,lol... thank you for all of your kind responses, and showing me that Im not alone... Ive received more support and friendship from the people on here who barely know me, than I do from my own family and friends outside of the internet, and I really appreciate that allot, more than any words can show...

to those who have suggested way to help me sleep, thank you, but Ive tried it all, even 5htp, nothing helps... the thing I use most often is a combo of 3 mg melatonin, 100mg Valerian, 100mg hops, and something else I don't remember off the top of my head... it helps if I don't take it more than twice a week, if I keep taking it, it stops working completely...

I found out, I think, why I could sleep last night, in-spite of the fact I had only slept 3 hours the night before, My uncle dan was dying last night, and died shortly after 9 am, right around when I was finally able to sleep... Cirrhosis of the liver, from alcohol and drug abuse...

oh, and save the talks about better places, or your consolations, I hope wherever he is, he can find some form of peace and heal whatever wounds where on his soul, but if heaven and hell exist, im pretty damn sure he isnt in heaven... he spent most of my child hood torturing me, and I've spent most of my adult life trying to heal those wounds, and now IM the bad guy in the family, cause they keep trying to get me to drop everything and spend a ton of money to go down there for his funeral, and then when I finally tell them WHY I dont want to go, IM THE BAD GUY CAUSE IM SPEAKING ILL OF THE DEAD... its just not fair that even in his death I cant help but allow him to hurt me even more...

Curator,

About your uncle: your response is justified and doesn't require explanation to anyone. However, if pressed, if I were you, I'd just tell my family, "You know he treated me badly. Why do you think he deserves my respect/sorrow now that he's gone? Good people deserve my respect when they're alive and sorrow when they die." And really believe that this is true. Because it is. To quote a line from my favorite band, Don't let people walk over you, cause that's just what they'll do.

Well they've stopped trying to get me to come now, in fact they wont even talk to me now, since they didn't actually know till I just told them the kind things he used to do and say to me... they pressed me for my reasons for not wanting to come, its not my fault they dont like them... they are good and valid reasons. and you make a great point...

You gotta do things for you and for your reasons, even if it pisses other people off. They are not the ones that are living your life and dealing with your pain. I agree you do things the way that is best for you. If you think not going to the funeral is the best then by all means don't go. I know I wouldn't if I were in your shoes. Your family may be pissed now as I am sure it is an emotional time right now (even for you) but they'll get over it.

i understand OCD

i've turned it around and used it to my advantage

amygdala , cingular gyrate

those areas of the brain are working over time

BIIIIIG time!

i just decided that energy is energy

and that i'm going to use all that TREMENDOUS energy

and channel it towards what i want

and it works for me

i had to use a bit of hypnosis too

like a "trigger"

i'm not afraid of cracks

but let's just pretend i was

so if i see a crack, i would already have hypnotized myself into saying that whatever energy is released from seeing that crack, i will just harness it and channel to what i wish to see manifested

its a lot of work

and not easy

and its been a hit and miss sometimes

but for the most part

i make it work for me

and i'm glad i am the way i am

cuz i wouldn't have it any other way

and all that energy is like sitting on a ton of gold

i put it to good use!

Nice.

hey coco

that book that u mentioned

RAWWWCKS!

luved it

and all her other books too

its the real deal