Some may consider me weak for doing, this, some may consider it extremely sad that I turn to a forum on the internet for such a task, However, Its been my experience on here that there are many good intelligent and even wise people on this board, who's opinions I value and respect, even if I don't always agree with them, and Ive found that reading the opinions and beliefs of others here, has helped me to better understand and re-evaluate my own, I believe that being able to come to you and share my life, and listen to your opinions and advice, Is a strength, not a weakness, No man is an island, we improve who we are, we become better and stronger, by learning to trust others to be able to help you, to rely on them, but of course, always staying true to yourself, and relying on yourself the most.

That being said, I will continue on now to the real subject of this post...Dont read any further if your plan is to mock me or just say suck it up, Im actually in a fairly good place right now all things considered, im just having a difficult time at the moment processing some emotions, and feel talking about may help with the processing...To really portray accurately the feelings I am having trouble with processing at the moment, I am going to have to go somewhat deep into the background of these feelings, and the things that have helped bring them to this point, i will try to be as concise as possible.WARNING: the post below contains some rather graphically disturbing and sad material, this stuff is bad, don't say I didn't warn you.






Keep in mind, this isnt some sob story, I am just trying to illustrate where these feelings began, so one can better understand where I am at now.

I believe it started when I was a child, I was taught in sunday school that if you where a good kid, God would protect you, Then one day I saw a neighborhood kid get hit in the head by a speeding car, and watched the light fade from him while cradled in his screaming mothers arms, All I could think is "why?" I asked everyone, nobody would tell me anything, the best id get is "it was his time." till one day my friends 17 year old brother gave me an answer, he told me the kid must have been evil, if God protects good kids, than he must have been evil, and thats why he had to die... Long story short, that was the beginning of the grooming process that pedophile put me through, he eventually decided to act against me, and told me he had to do it because I was evil and God hated me, and basically, he was punishing me to help me, is the gist of it... he also told me that if I told anyone else, they would know i was evil and they would hate me to and they would kill me... It was many years be4 i told anyone, and when I did, that person told me that he was right, and used that to victimize me as well, till the day I beat him half to death with a golf club...

Needless to say, But I had trouble trusting people at this point, and had allot of problems with anger, self hatred, self mutilation, and suicide attempts... I worked on things though and got to a more stable and happy place in life, i was 16, made some friends I cared about and trusted, and even came to fall in love with a girl who was one of my best friends... on the day I was planning on finally telling her how I felt, her mother murdered her.

I kind of lost it again...to say the least.

3 years went by, I was 19, having a very difficult time getting close to anyone, but doing ok, all things considered...and I met a really sweet girl, I did not want to, or try to pursue her however, but she REALLY pursued me...eventually I gave in, it was flattering, and made me feel really good to be wanted so much...we dated for a year and 8 months, during that time I came to love her allot, I lost my virginity to her, and she cheated on me 4 times, one of those times bringing home a friendly std as a souvenir, luckily nothing permanent... things ended with us, I was a bit upset, but by that point it was more of a breath of fresh air than anything horrible, I was bummed out, but more relieved...

Then I met Julia...I had never felt a connection with another human being as deep as i felt with her, we finished sentences, we always knew what the other was thinking or feeling, even when over a thousand miles away... I loved her with all of my heart... one night I knew something was wrong, went online to see if she was on messenger, she was, she broke up with me, said a bunch of stuff to try and get me to hate her, I told her I knew she didnt mean any of it, and I could feel she still loved me, I knew what she was planning, that she was just trying to protect me by getting me to hate her...she broke down and admitted it, she was going to kill herself, but didnt want to hurt me, and just "knew" we would be together again someday, but that she couldnt handle this life...(this is of course, long story short.) I had been a crisis counselor for around 5 years at that point (yup, us crisis counselors are often as messed up as those we are trying to help,lol...) and something happened to me that night that had never happened be4, while trying to talk some one out of suicide, I froze, my fear got the best of me and I froze up, couldnt get myself to do anything but beg her not to...then when she left, I called, she didnt answer, I got ahold of her best friend, he didnt believe me when i told him what she was planning, he lived like 5 minutes away and wouldnt even go over and check on her...I tried calling the police as well, they where skeptical,didnt really believe me, according to her brother they didnt even come by till morning...and didnt even bring an ambulance...would ahve been to late b y then anyway

I felt it when she died, like a part of me being ripped away, like somebody just reached in and ripped out all of my insides with their bare hands... I tried to kill myself that night, Who knows why it wasnt successful, I took over 4,000 mg of vicoden, 10 allergy pills, and half a bottle of nyquil...I was out of it for a long time, woke up, did some more... and basically kept abusing drugs for around 6 months, I stopped cold turkey one day after sitting there thinking to myself "She loved me, this is not what she wants for me." I had dreams of her after that, we would just be hanging out, cuddling, watching movies together, cleaning the house, eating dinner, getting up in the morning and getting ready for work...simple things, little things in a relationship I had really looked forward to sharing with her....and every single dream would end with her looking into my eyes telling me she loves me, kissing me, and id wake up... this would happen every single night...
(waaaay more story here, but this is already getting way to long as it is...)

For over 4 years I could not get close to anyone again till I finally met this one woman who right off the bat we felt this draw, this intimacy that was far beyond what I have ever felt with anyone other than Julia... she was extremely attracted to me and wanted to make love to me within days of knowing me, I explained to her allot of my insecurities and issues, and that although I felt the same for her, I needed some time to work on myself, and to get to know her better and become even closer, expecting her to run the other way, i was shocked when she exclaimed that I am the perfect man, that I have such a beautiful and wonderful soul, and that she was more than willing to wait for as long as I need... I told her she didnt have to wait for me, and that we should concentrate on becoming closer friends, I didnt want to keep her from finding love with somebody who was ready for it (again, long story short, but you get the gist.)

the better part of a year goes by, we are becoming closer and closer, our emotional intimacy is off the charts...she has made her continued sexual interest in me quite obvious, often... whenever we hug her body language, and that smokey intense look in her eyes, the sexual tension could be cut with a knife... The last time I saw her, I kissed her, she reached climax after like 30 seconds of kissing...

Then yesterday, I decide I finally feel ready for a relationship, I love her, and trust her with everything I am, and I feel we have a good shot of having a beautiful life together... I tell her that im ready now...and she is like O.O yeah...your the most amazing guy in the world...(a dozen or so awesome compliments.) But I just realized last week that Im gay, and I dont think it would be fair to either of us to get involved in a relationship, we will both just end up getting hurt, because being gay is who I am, and I just cant be any other way.

needless to say, I am shocked, a woman who has obviously had intense sexual attraction to me, (she was previously saying she was bi) is now claiming to be a 100% lesbian... I mean, to be a lesbian, don't you technically have to not have any sexual attraction to men? otherwise your just bi, right? Am I wrong?

Its been really disappointing, and confusing, its taken me a long time to allow myself to get this close to another human being, its like she lovingly coaxed me up to the top of a cactus covered mountain, gave me a big hug, then threw me off it.

I told her I still loved her, and was happy to remain just her friend if thats what she feels is best, and that I hope my feelings , and her change, will not interfere with the close friendship we have developed... and I meant every word of it... But that doesn't stop this from hurting...

I know the lesson I should be learning from this, that its good to love, and allow yourself to be loved, that I should open myself up to more people and allow them in, and that I should take this as an experience that has helped teach me how to do these things again... My rational mind tells me this is what i should be learning... but every other fiber of my being is screaming that it just wants to go hide under a rock forever and never let anyone in again...

I know by writing all of this here I am listening to my rational side at the moment, and Hope even those of you who dont like me recognize how extremely difficult this is, and how im kind of on another precipice at the moment, so If you cant say nothing nice, take thumpers moms advice, and please, PLEASE say nothing at all at the moment, id rather not have a single comment on this, than to have one more rejection of my deepest feelings and emotions at this moment, That may make me weak...I dont care, im tired of being strong.

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Also, id like to say, if I do go hide under a rock, please don't take it personally, there are allot of really wonderful people on here, and it will be nobodies fault but my own if I go hide under a rock.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Wow man, I had no idea what you had been through! Amazing...no way could anyone ever call you weak. Very dramatic, too. I can't remember what your spiritual views are but personally, I believe that this is not a random, chaotic Universe and so if something happens, it is purposeful. What I am stuck on (in my own life) is discovering what I am supposed to learn in certain experiences, especially if I feel like I did the right thing and got screwed anyway, LOL. I think you played that right with that woman (still cannot get why she got so turned on by kissing you though,if she's gay, LOL). I understand now why you wanted to take it slowly with her. I didn't have all of that backstory! But congratulations on being a survivor. You have definitely weathered the storm and here's hoping that the rest of your life will be much more mellow and drama-free

thanks banana who... there is allot more too that I didnt go into here, I just wanted to relate the things from my life that I felt directly relate to how im feeling now about this particular subject, to be honest, I am having a hard time believing that most things in this world happen for any reason, I do believe some things do, and I believe that we can create reasons for things that have none... and sometimes those reasons we create can help us to grow, and sometimes we use them to hold ourselves back... I realize that recognizing all of the opportunities for growth has given me an edge to get past allot of these things, which makes my inability to process my feelings right now that much more frustrating... so many things have happened this year, both beautiful and horrific, most of those things I haven't gone into here, and im just at this pivot point between the beautiful and the horrific and I dont know which way im going to fall, or if im going to keep walking that line in the middle... I do have to say, the view from the middle has given me some unique perspectives, And I like that...But I know where I want to be, but I just cant see the path there... Maybe I am meant to walk the middle path.

On another note, heres the label I most relate to as far as my beliefs Go, Agnostic Theist; Christianity/Buddhism.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Wow. I think you have every right to go hide under a rock for a while. Maybe get some counseling -- you took the risk to open yourself to someone and again have been hurt. The good news is that THIS time the person is still a wonderful person and can remain a part of your life. So although things didn't turn out the way you expected or was lead to believe they would turn out, the end result can be a positive thing.

Don't hide too long!

Im uncomfortable with counseling, I have to difficult of a time feeling comfortable enough to open up to male counselors (or psychiatrist) as ive been to two of them, and both tried to convince me to experiment sexually with men, and the female counselors Ive been to have all developed romantic feelings for me, I might try again with like a really really really really old female counselor...

As far as my ongoing relationship with this woman, I am happy to continue being her friend, I still love her, and I believe she still loves me, just doesnt intend to get romantically involved with me anymore... im just still kinda reeling from the whole, I dunno, ridiculousness of the situation...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Oh, I feel I should mention, that im feeling allot better now that Ive decided to except a middle ground as a good place to be... more balanced if you will...pun intended,lol.

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I preface this with a reminder that I feel great admiration and respect for you, and true fondness.

Honey, please re-read your post as though you are reading a stranger's post. Do you see what I see?: why does this lovely, intelligent, warm man with boundless love to give everyone, in spite of his early childhood betrayals, put up with being treated with less appreciation than he gives out?

The women in your experience, and I don't mean to demean their posititive attributes in any way, seem all to have been not just confused, but also, forgive me, looking for a temporary savior. You, being who you are, were that temporary savior for each of the cases you describe. Now, I'm all for sticking your neck out for those you care about. But I'm also for demanding quid pro quo--that you should get from people what you put out, or they do not deserve to enter your inner circle of psychological intimacy. I don't mean to be harsh about this, but though I detect a lot of "love" being exchanged in the relationships you describe, I don't detect a lot of equity. That is, who was doing most of the heavy lifting in these relationships? Was it equally divided? Did it vary from relationship to relationship. 'Cos, I gotta tell ya, based on what you've posted here, I rather picture you feeding grapes to some lucky reclining girl while also vaccuuming the floor with the free arm, and doing it with pleasure. So she doesn't have to. Are you understanding my metaphor? Is it way off base?

Please understand I am not advising closing oneself off; it is curious to me that you express the need to open yourself to more people and allow them in, as this does not seem to be a problem for you. To the contrary, you seem to open your arms wide as wide can be to everyone. Even under the best of circumstances, this naturally allows all kinds of people, with all kinds of motives, good, bad, neutral, in. Are you really so restricting of your acquaintances and rigid about showing your vulnerability and doling out affection? I don't get that impression. Please forgive me if the stuff you left unsaid actually shows just that.

Lastly, you are under a great deal of stress because of your mom's situation. And whatever else you got going on. Please try not to worry about things like personal stuff right now. You are still so young and have time to figure it out. Please feed yourself well, and for chrissakes, get some sleep. And spend some solitary time focusing on all the ways in which you can attract betterness to yourself. Because that's what you deserve. Peace and contentment, drama-free.

Love,
Tam

p.s. Hope I don't get a thrashing for my impertinence

*huggles you tam* a thrashing? are you kidding me? no, auntie tam just gets billions of huggles... I understand what your saying, and I agree your right, its just with this most recent woman, things where different than they have ever been with anyone I have ever known, she was always telling me how much she loved me, sending me sweet little texts... Id say, in our friendship there was an equality of love, till now, she apologized to me literally minutes ago saying she loved me so much emotionally that that emotional connection was a turn on for her...(still not understanding how one could be a lesbian given that, as that is the only way i become attracted to anyone, I become emotionally intimate, then I be come attracted, its called being a Demi-Sexual, but oh well...) but that she isnt interested in being with men anymore, but is looking forward to basically having everything a close relationship has, but with no sex...with me... and Im ok with that, as long as she does not use that to try and take advantage of me... and who knows, maybe someday she will mature further, and figure out exactly what it is she wants, and that will workout... or maybe i will find somebody who is able to fully reciprocate my feelings... in the meantime, I just have to remember, that the kind of relationship we have, the closeness and love, is 99% of what I want in a relationship...I should be happy i at least have that with her, and not worry about the rest... I'll find somebody that fully reciprocates, and wants a partner, not a saviour, eventually...

On the other subject...I love easily, I dont open myself up easy...not...not anywhere near to the level I have with her, and have today with this forum...

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

You are the definition of strong. Your story really goes to show you have no idea about how a person's day or life has been. Very unexpected, but I'm so happy you used this board as an outlet and a resource! That's why we're here! I have so much respect for you. So many people in situations like yours misdirect their feelings and become substance abusers, but you seem to have remained optimistic, which is why you can handle anything that comes your way. I'm sorry this woman upset you with her honesty. It's good that she found herself and was honest with you, but I know that's heartbreaking. I don't really know what to say except no one is here to judge you and I think it's invaluable that you wrote everything out and have been able to get support from other people here. I don't know why we exist, but something surrounding you seems magical, and you are definitely loved by the universe, so please stay for as long as you can, because you never know what could happen in the future. I think your rational nature and acceptance of your past make you a very unique person who has a lot to offer to someone else. My dad didn't find his "true love" until after he married and divorced three times and had literally probably 100 girlfriends. He's in his early 50s. My grandpa fell in love at 75. You never know who's path you might cross. <3

thankyou cyclopsicle *hugs* I appreciate the comment... 100 girlfriends? wow, I dont think id end up with that many if I lived to be a thousand, not at my current rate anyway,lol...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

cyclopsicle,

Woah, your dad and grandpa seem like the premise for a rousing, feel-good, Tony Award-winning Broadway musical. Hmmmm . . .

hahaha, I second that,lol

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

*hugs* curator i dont really have anything to offer advice wise that hasn't already been said

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

Thanks jodi, hugs are enough im doing way better now anyway, talking about it, getting it somewhere outside of my own head, really helped all by itself, im doing much better now *hugs back*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?