During childhood, I remember my parents wanting me to never cry, which usually made me cry harder. I always wished that I could stop. Of course I eventually did, but it took a long time.

Well, I haven't been able to really cry for about the last ten years. I can feel sad, and extremely stressed out, but usually nothing more than my eyes watering up. I feel sad and depressed today, stressed out. But I am pretty sure that I won't be crying today, although I wish I could.

Is there anything I could do to help?

Have you checked out that book I like so much, Loving What Is by Byron Katie? I am pretty sure that if you tried 'the work' around this issue (issues?) you'd find some sort of resolution at least. Really, 'the work' is so easy, it's just asking yourself a series of questions that simply and effectively illuminate the root of what's bothering you. Try it, maybe you'll end up in happy tears Mislu

I don't know what advice to give you. This made me ever so sad, though. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be instructed to abort emotional responses. Maybe consider whether you want to cry, and then what will happen if you do. If you, rather than your parents, are now stifling your reactions, you can change this behavior. Good luck, Mislu.

Coco,
Thank you for the support. I have a pretty good idea about what bothers me. I feel sad about it, but kind of frustrated. But no tears. I will have to find the book and read, maybe there is something I am missing and am not aware of.

I took a good nap this afternoon, that helped a bit. I had a headache, and felt like I was coming down with a cold, being rather feverish. I am working on accepting things as they are, but its sometimes so difficult. I hope that I can feel better, or find a good and appropriate vent for my troubles. I feel so tense.

Watch a touching movie! I remember being a kid and watching "Boys Town" with Spencer Tracy and bawling my eyes out...It's a catalyst for getting in touch with your heart chakra.

My parents were the same way! From my earliest memories I can remember being told not to cry or to stop crying. Especially after being disciplined (spanked) we were told not to cry... military style... we would be lined up and yelled at and told not to cry and threatened with more spankings if we kept crying... "I'll give you something to cry about!" Crazy stuff!

I am like you, Mislu, in that I can't seem to cry over life stresses even when I feel that I need to. But... when under pressure from authority figures I break down like a little baby. My driving is impeccable because I don't EVER want to get stopped by the police because when I do I just crack and cry. I got stopped for expired tabs and even though I knew the reason why I was being stopped I was crying before the cop reached my vehicle window. I have cried in front of Judges during routine administrative tasks - twice. Gawd I hate that!!!

What I do when life is being difficult and I need to cry but can't... exercise. Crying is a huge stress reducer and exercise is as well. Sometimes, when life is really really really bad I will find myself speed walking and some tears will fall for a few seconds and I will feel a sudden rush of all of the anger and hurt and pain that I am going through -- and then something inside tells me to suck it up and get over it and the tears will be gone. Just a little reminder that yeah, I'm still human!

Bannana who, & Rocketship,
Great suggestions. Usually I walk or run really fast when I am angry. I get angry, but I haven't cried from walking. but maybe thats worth a try. Movies are a great one. I remember watching "Toy story 3" and felt really sad from that, so maybe I will try watching that again.

I know my partner sometimes says things when he is really frustrated or angry. As of late it just gets me angry back. But I sometimes feel on the verge of tears, and I tell him to say something mean and cutting, so that I can start crying. He won't do it! He can't do it on purpose actually! especially if I ask. Its kind of strange. The authority thing is interesting. I never experience that, but I am definately respectful of authority, but rather really level headed, matter a fact. During a snow storm I almost drove into a cop car, that would have been bad. Just a week ago my partner almost did that also, but we were both glad not to have to deal with that.


I can't believe it I am now cooking sausage for my inlaw, she is out at a doctors appointment and called to ask me to get them started. I haven't the slightest on how to cook them, but she gave some directions. I hope its going to turn out alright. One of the stressful things thats going on is she is recovering from a neck injury, so me and my partner have been picking up the household duties.

It wouldn't be so bad if it were just my own house. But she likes things in a very particular way. So do her grandchildren, for instance the food. If its not made a particular way they don't like it and won't eat it, or eat very little of it. I would point out that its in a particular way, not necessarily a good way. I made them hamburgers twice since the accident. I was amazed, they actually liked the way that I made them, over their grandmothers. I was surprised a little. But when I think about it, it shouldn't be. She actually makes them in such a way that is dry and crispy. She also fills the whole house with obnoxious smelling smoke.

My partner was so grateful that I made them. Medium heat with a cover, no smoke at all. Her daughter said that she should learn how to make them. I also made them roasted parsnips. They liked them. I was surprised because they aren't that much into vegetables and fruit etc. Especially if someone other than their grandmother made them. But I guess I did it!

[www.amazon.com]

Well, those 4 questions did change my life.

*hugs* crying is good for you, I hope you can find a way to get back in touch with that part of yourself again...

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Try not to use exercise as a way to vent your anger or frustration. That is not the goal of exercising when you need to deal with emotions. Don't run or walk in anger... calm yourself BEFORE you begin exercising. What you are seeking with exercise is physical stress relief, quieting the mind, and release of feel good hormones.

Often people express anger because they don't have any other coping mechanisms for other emotions. Afraid? Get angry. Nervous? Get angry. etc. For example... getting angry or upset while driving when what the person really feels is anxiety.

So you must at least be anger-free and aware of what real emotion you are experiencing before you exercise in order for it to be truly beneficial.

And once you get anger out of the way be aware that a flood of emotions may come rushing at you and it might be pretty darned scary.

The next time someone refuses to eat a meal that you labored over... don't let it get to you... let them go hungry or hand them a fresh fruit to eat. Either way you win.

Well I cried for a few minutes last night. Dews from heaven as far as I am concerned. I was surprised, it didn't take a long time, or cry too hard to feel some relief. I was trying to prepare food with my in law supervising.

This was really a bad idea all the way around. She was really ordering me around, and saying I wasn't moving fast enough. I really got angry. She wasn't appolgetic at all about it either at first. I found the whole thing rather strange, as everything had to simmer for like an hour, with occationally stirring. So, it really wasn't a rush. But she admitted that I was just someone conventient to vent her frustrations. She has to wear the neck brace for the next 2 to 3 months, she absolutely hates it. She likes to keep active, and this puts a crimp in everything.

My partner later criticized me for getting angry, apparently she can help it, and is stressed from the doctors visit, thats what made me feel guilty, and sad enough to cry that she could become crippled if her neck shifts the wrong way or if she moves to quickly. I don't quite agree with the families assessment that she can't help be nasty. But after she saw me crying, she said she would try to tone it down a little.

I find that when I eat 100% Raw, my emotions are genuine and natural, but cooked food affects your emotions - food/mood connection.

If you're 100% Raw, you'll feel less anger. Maybe more empathy, which could lead to crying.

Crying is so good for you.
I do it whenever the feeling comes.
Doesnt it remove some acid from the body?

Vinny

im not sure about acid, but crying has been shown to drastically reduce stress levels in a persons body, and your ability to deal with future stress... its an interesting biological mechanism...

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mislu Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> But she admitted that I was just someone
> conventient to vent her frustrations. She has to
> wear the neck brace for the next 2 to 3 months,
> she absolutely hates it.

>I don't quite agree with the
> families assessment that she can't help be nasty.

A classic example where someone is using anger as a coping mechanism. She really isn't feeling angry or frustrated... she is feeling vulnerable, helpless, anxious about the outcome of the injury, etc. But she is dealing with it through anger and frustration.

I disagree with your partner. It is NOT acceptable for her to be angry at others because she is having a difficult time dealing with her situation. Unfortunately that is the reality of some people's lives and even though it is unacceptable it is the way it is. So you must learn to not allow her to target YOU when she is using anger to deal with her emotions. Sometimes engaging the person in a discussion about the situation will help them discover their real emotions. And sometimes telling them in a calm manner that you don't deserve to be attacked and they should stop. It is a fine line.

Oh, and the next time she gets all bullyish toward you ask your partner to take over your task while you go for a walk. If it's okay for mom to be angry and demeaning then your partner can take the heat.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2011 07:08PM by RocketShip.

Eagefly,
"Crying is so good for you.
I do it whenever the feeling comes. "

I wish I could. It just freaks some people out, because years ago I used to really cry, I mean hard. I can barely cry, did that for a few minutes last night. My inlaw was uncomfortable about it, and made her worry for herself. I found it stress relieving.

Unfortunately, its not something everyone wants to see, and most people would rather not be seen crying. I prefer to do that alone myself for the most part. The main thing is that people try to make it stop, and sometimes they are quite effective. The problem is that sometimes its totally appropriate.

Rocketship,
Great advice. Its true, she got around to feeling helpless and sad after she stopped venting. She was uncomfortable with feeling that however. It made it easier to deal with a little bit, because I could finally see that it didn't mean what I thought it meant.

I have another concern which I haven't even brought up. Its sort of in the background, I find it very, very sad. It actually also makes me feel very ill, weak and almost feeling like totally giving up and not wanting to live. There is a deep wound my mother inflected years ago, she never really appologized. I now have to enroll in an organization to get benefits, like scholarships etc...I have been trying to get information about that, and she doesn't sound like she wants to help. Not only not helping with that, she seems totally disinterested in me at any level.

Its such a slap in the face to realize that shes not the kind loving person I thought she was. I really knew that, but I thought it was something she was working on getting over, but shes not interested. I am working on letting her be unsupportive, and dealing with the fact that I may never hear from her the rest of my life. I would rather not than face that indifferent sounding voice. I keep reminding myself that I have come this far without any real support, in fact i feel like she has actively cut me down most of my life. So, maybe its the best thing that shes not interested. It really hurts.

There is a really strange thing. A few years ago I almost dated someone, but early on this person started asking questions about my parents. I was like 'what?' He smiled smuggly like a jerk, saying something about decent people come from good families with nice parents. So something must be visible in other people that I don't have a clue about.

*huggles you*

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mislu,

You have intrisic value, you know. If your mother is just now seeming cold, perhaps it's some sort of old age neurological problem. If you are just now coming to terms with the fact that she has, indeed, always been this way, really deal with it, incuding any resentment you may have--you have the right to it. And don't let other people treat you in a way that isn't deserved. Your inlaw has no right to take her bad mood out on you, especially if you were being solicitious and helpful to her. Maybe your crying taught her a lesson, so don't regret that. You seem like a great person, and anyone who knows you is lucky to have you. You turned out well in spite of what you didn't get growing up. Do you best with the scholarships and financial aid. You may not realize it, but it sounds like at some point you learned to cope with the uncooperative and to rely on your own industry for getting what you need. You know how to take care of this for yourself. Trust that you are enough for you

It is very emotional when we realize our parents are not what we thought they were and worse, when we discover who they really are. My mother should not have had children. Period.

I know it hurts. Rejection from a parent is an incredibly powerful emotion. You will have to learn how to deal with it vs suppress it. Most importantly, don't put yourself into the situation of allowing her to reject you because you are only giving her power over yourself. It is good that you recognize how she treats you and you can develop coping skills to deal with her.

I have to be very guarded around my mother because she tries to hurt me every time we speak. She knows exactly what to say and how to say it to hurt me. When I call her on the phone I have to be prepared for rejection as 9 of 10 times she will not be able to talk because something more important is happening, such as her favorite tv show is on or she is folding clothes, or anything that might rank higher on her priority list than talking with her child. Her favorite game is to blame me for things beyond my control and put me on the defensive. I used to react to her but through the years I have learned proactive offensive maneuvers that help me deal with her and avoid the painful feelings of rejection and hurt.

And that is what you need to do with your mother. If you can't simply walk away and exit her from your life (I couldn't) then you have to always be on the offensive with her. Like a game of chess. Anticipate her move and be prepared for it and have a strategy for dealing with it in a way that you don't give her your power and you don't get hurt. She will still get to you now and then but at least you will be able to protect yourself the majority of the time.

That isn't the way it should be, it certainly isn't the way we want it to be, but it is the way it has to be.

BTW... don't feel immobilized because she won't help you financially. You can do it on your own! It will be harder but you can do it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2011 02:01AM by RocketShip.

Oh, RocketShip, so sorry this was your experience of your mother. You have some great, invaluable skills for dealing with it, bless you.

Hello Everyone,
Thank you for your support. I had a 'revelation' last night. Actually while making a mix of apples, radichicco. (that red type of bitter lettuce like veg) and lime juice. Isn't it interesting it would have happened then? I just started crying for a few seconds from realizing that everything would be ok, and suddenly I didn't feel sad anymore. I also had the thought that maybe, just maybe I am blowing everything out of proportion. Perhaps also that there are things I misunderstood. Maybe its something else I was hearing.

Well, I did take initiative on my own to contact the agency on my own. I thought I would have to do it alone. But the woman there said my mother and my aunt called to provide information and help. So, maybe I was too rushed to think the wrong thing. Maybe she was interested in helping, but as someone said maybe it was due to something else. She is 'old' now, and has had some medical problems, so maybe its affected how she hears things and responds. Everyone thinks I am a certain age, but I am generally 20 years or more older than they think. So, I'm not what I used to be either. (I also tend to think myself 20 or 30 years younger than I am)

So, that was a wake up call for me this morning, that my perceptions weren't correct. I was being a little too sensitive in the wrong way. I am glad I didn't bad mouth my mother to relatives. but it is bad enough to do it here, even though you all don't really know who I am outside of the board. I will have to tell my partner who thinks the worse for her.

*huggles* im glad that things have turned out to be better than you originally perceived them, and that everything seems to be going a bit better now.

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Interesting thing however. I had the break through moment, and at first I thought it had to do with making that salad. But I think it has more to do with getting the email. I checked my email and it arrived about the time that I knew things would be ok.

I think its cool when I connect with the totallity of existence. It happens on occation, for instance waiting around the phone when I haven't the slightest why, and then getting a phone call. Actually, I was going out the door and had the urge to come back inside and wait, but for what?!?! I then got the call for a job.

Well, I hope something like that happens again soon. I think the universe trys to remind me from time to time that I am connected to everything, and not disconnected like I sometimes feel.

*more hugs*

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

hi mislu

you're right
everything will be okay and IS okay

just continue to believe that

it is calming and simple
and helps me too

La veronique,
I feel quite depressed today. Its mostly the weather, as I am tired of the snow. I also missed a class because of it, and the professor is so strict about missing a class. I just didn't want to go off the road, which I thought I might if I went. But the school still didn't cancel.

I'm feeling pretty low today too Mislu. The weather, being stuck in the house because it's so hard to get us all geared up for the cold (everyone has to pee as soon as we're all bundled, even if we all went already) and can't stay out in it for long anyhow. Unmotivated. Messy house constantly, littered with toys and clothes and books etc. Kids are messy. Can't get into the studio in the basement because it's stuffed full of junk that has to be sorted and I have no inclination to even try tackling that. Sigh. Hurry up spring!

I am lonely here too. Having 2 visits with old friends lately has made that even worse, I am a stranger here in this town. I don't know what to do with myself, I am usually so cheery.

Gads, I took a very long nap today, felt so tired and depressed. I hope I can sleep tonight. You sound pretty patient with your kids, but it sounds like a lot of work. Well, at least I'm not lonely. I usually need and want a lot of alone time. I am however a stranger here, I don't know my way around, and my partner gets annoyed when I can't remember how to go to place a to place b. He says i should because ive been here about 8 mos or so.

On rare occations I do feel lonely, but really can't get out. I put on some soothing music, or a good comfort movie that mostly serves as background noise that makes a place feel like your in good company. That usually helps a lot. I take care of plants, and that seems to help.

I can't have plants at this point in my life, they die from lack of attention, ha ha. I cleaned the house, got dressed, sort of fixed my hair a bit and put on some makeup and that all made me feel a bit better. Now to get clothes on my small child (that she hopefully won't take off before it's time to leave the house. Again), feed the brood and take the young man up to his yoga class. The girl and I will visit our favourite eco shop while he's being stretchy and have a little shopping therapy. I really shouldn't but I am going to pick up some things I liked there last week that were on sale. It supports a local family doing some good business in this city for a change. Plus all their stuff is really bright and colourful and that makes me happy .

hey coco. grow a sweet potato they dont need a lot of attention but they are pretty

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?