Well it seems like the state is gonna be paying for taking care of my mom, how much is still up in the air, they are going to assess her needs first, then decide then... seeing as she cant do almost anything for herself, it will probably be at least enough to help out around here... actually, if this had been denied us, we would be out on the street by the end of march... but even better news! they may be paying me back pay for all the time ive been here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will probably be saving all of it just in case I need it, but if its A LOT, then I might just buy a dehydrator if its a WHOLE lot, then maybe a vita mix...

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

awesome Curator .. my hopes an prayers are with you that the universe delivers everything you and your mom needs

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

thankyou Jodi <3

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Nice one

Fantastic! Don't you love it when you get good news like that and suddenly so many more great possibilities open up to you and you feel so much better!

So glad that this is happening; you deserve a stroke of good luck. Hugs to you and blessings to your mom

That is good news. It must be a relief.

thanks everybody, yeah it has definitely been a load off knowing we will be getting in this extra cash soon... its pretty awesome, another cool blessing, I was walking to the store today to do some shopping, I have my moms old bicycle but no cable and lock, and was talking about this last night with my mom, on my way to the store, just sitting there in the road tonday, was a bike cable with a padlock that had a key taped to it?! I was really excited at first, im kinda bummed now though for whoever lost it... But im just going to have to be happy for my good fortune, and hope that they didn't really NEED it... shopping is going to be allot faster and easier now,lol... I spend most of my time walking to the stores and back on shopping days,lol

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Sounds like things are looking up! Good thing you live in an area were you can walk/bike around town, plus enjoy nice CA weather!

That would never work out for me here in the frigid Mid-Atlantic state of PA!

haha, yeah, the weather has been pretty nice down here, up in crescent city where I was be4 I moved here, it pretty much rained more often than not practically,lol... here its not so bad.

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Congrats, Curator. You've expended a lot of energy in the care of your mom. I'm glad that you are both getting some much needed help.

It's a great feeling to know that you can buy stuff again, isn't it Curator? Congrats! I think the Universe is looking after you (the bike lock was interesting "coincidence".

my mom wanted a raised flower garden, I put the call out on craigslist looking for materials to build it, found everything id need for free, guy said he would deliver for $10, my mom has decided she doesnt want the flower garden now, after I already spent all that time digging a foot deep into the ground, and finding the materials, im mildly frustrated now, as she keeps doing things like this, it really hurts.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

maybe if you take care of the flowers she will help you.

curator i found out in my moms last days, weeks, months she would often make redicioulous requests .. (bring me cookies today .. take them back tommorrow they're stale, on and on it went).

my conclusion was that every request after finally asking her was to make sure i would be back tommorrow to fill the request and therefore see her... she could have simply said please come back tommorrow and i would have.. but this was her way of ensuring i would as she knew i would do anything to make her happy no matter how nutz it was making me

after talking to my fatherinlaw (who took care of his senile mother for 10 years) he simply said .. some of the most importtant disecions are the hardest ones to make but they are the right ones

maybe this is your moms own way of making sure you stick around .. a flower garden is a pretty (at least semi) permanentj thing .. and she needs you to tend it .. and her

go ahead and make her that garden weather she wants it now or not, it will be a place of beauty that the both of you can hopefully share even if it is for moment .. a 5 minutes memory lasts an eternity <3

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist




Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2011 05:49AM by Jgunn.

I was planning on doing so Jodi (btw I live with her, she needs 24 hour care) but she will not give me the apartment owners number to ask his permission to build it, and I have not been able to find it myself in my searches... and it is illegal for me to build anything like that without his written permission.

And Cy, I fully intended to care for the flowers myself, and she knows this...she isnt strong enough to do any garden work anyway...they where just going to be for her enjoyment...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Don't be hurt by this, it's not about you.
When you expect a result of your actions you will often be disappointed. Do the work, whatever it is, and be satisfied with the work in itself even if it doesn't end up going anywhere. Maybe she only wanted to know that you would do it if she asked and now that she knows you Would she's satisfied but she never really intended you to do all that work in the first place. She might even feel bad about what you have done so far. So, if you think she might enjoy it anyhow alleviate her guilt and tell her that you are really into the idea and would she do you the favour of letting you grow the flowers there for yourself. Then she gets to do you a favour and she also gets to enjoy the flowers guilt free.

actually, coco, I already asked that, said id really love to grow them even if she doesnt want them anymore (as she knows, I love just about all plants, and growing them) but she is adamant, she no longer wants a garden bed...im just going to drop it now, and its hard not to be hurt, when its like she is just screwing with me, asking me to do things, then changing her mind with no reason... it makes me seriously wonder if the cancer has spread to her brain or something, cause this is nothing like the mom I have grown up with...

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

She's nothing like the her she grew up with either. Keep that in mind. She is very sick and knows she may die, her body is betraying her, she is likely very scared. Not to invalidate your feelings sweetling, I'm sure this sucks for you too. And you're right, whatever is going on inside her may be messing with her personality too. Take good care of yourself while you are caring for her, ok? You are just as important. And think of the hole digging as exercise and the networking as practice for when you have your own farm .

hehe, good way of putting it coco, thanks... ive just been really discouraged lately with all of this changing of minds and whatnot, especially when most of it is in relation to her health, its things like "oh, Id really like to try a green smoothie with banana and berries in it, can you make one and let me try it? if I like it I will drink it all, if I dont, you like them so you can have the rest." i say ok, I make the said smoothie, and she then refuses to even try it... so its gotten me a tad bit frustrated, as things like that keep happening over and over and over again almost every day... and it makes it even more frustrating, that its usually things that are really good for her, that could help her recover, with food she mostly will only eat dairy and meat now that she can actually eat again during her chemo break... and then other things that could help raise her spirits like the flower box thing, and the support groups she keeps getting invited to go to, says she really wants to go, then changes her mind at the last second...

I guess what im trying to say is, I am having a difficult time getting all built up and excited because she decides she wants to do/eat something that is actually good for her and will increase her survival chances, and then she changes her mind at the last second, and im stuck holding the bag so to speak, its kind of an emotional roller coaster... and Im having a hard time dealing with that... and even more saddened by the realization that she must just want to die, as there is no other explanation for her unwillingness to do anything that could help her... (she STILL hasn't stopped smoking, keeps making a big deal about wanting to quit, I go guy her gum or lozenges or whatever she wants to try, and then she doesnt even try, we now have every helper for quitting but chantix on top of our fridge,lol)

I think I could deal with it all fine, if she would at least take one single step towards helping herself, eat healthier, quit smoking, or at least go to the support group or counseling... something to try and live... but the feeling of helplessness, the weight of knowing that she just doesn't care, that all I can do is sit here and watch her die without a fight... its crushing...

maybe its selfish of me to feel like this, I dont know... but its also selfish of her I think to require that of me, to ask me to be here for her and help her, but then not allow me to do anything to actually help her, or to do anything herself to help... to just give up and ask me to watch her die, is that fair?

she is the only person in my life I've ever been able to be close to, to trust completely, that hasn't completely abused that trust, or died shortly after gaining it (till this last year). she is my mom... How am I supposed to just sit here and watch her slowly kill herself? HOWW!!!!!!!! CAN ANYONE @#$%& TELL ME HOW IM SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?! cause I have no clue

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

curator hun you are describing EXACTLY what i went thru the last 3-4 months of my moms life ..yes it is frustrating , i cant tell you how many times i felt so dejected and would just lie in bed crying in frustration .. sometimes getting mad and then huge feelings of guild for being mad

i cant tell you how to deal with it .. as i just got thru everyday and tried to make each insane request no big deal

sometimes i wish my mom would have just loooked me in the eye an said ya know .. im tired , i just want to be left alone but know you are here , but im dying and i cant do the things you keep trying to make me promise i will try to do

im sure me constantly badgering her to eat better, try and get up an walk, stop peeing her pants in her chair, talk to some, try to take less meds , were all very frustrating for her .. and her telling me daily she would *try* even tho she really didnt was more than likely to just placate me for the time being while she was working her way to the end

im sorry i wish i could say something more uplifting curator hun but i cant , just try to take the journey with her as camly as you can, step back and breathe once in awhile and cry your eyes out when needed.

love ya kiddo - jodi <3

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

thank you jodi *hugs*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Been there, too, and agree with Jodi. Take each attempt at agreeableness on your mom's part for what it is in the moment, don't expect anything more, and just focus on doing the best you can to make her feel loved and cared for now matter how frustrated and afraid you may feel. Worse than your feelings of inadequacy would be for you mother to feel that she's torturing you. As hard as it is, you have to just put up with it, and accept that whatever will be will be. Peace to you, dear, I know that's hard to consider.

thanks, I know your both right...its just so difficult to deal with... but I need to learn how to, for not just her sake, but my own as well...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?