Are you saying we never have any right to reject anybody? If a really creepy person, someone with a justifiably bad reputation, runs after me for friendship, and I say no thank, I'm "acting out" something that happened to me 40 years ago? I don't think so.

Regarding your family member, no one can give you much advice or perspective without knowing all the details. I have a mean brother but he of course lives on his own now, so when I have to get together with him for holiday meals and some other occasions, it can be a real trial - but for only a few hours! It sounds like your situation is much worse than mine, tho.

cy,

I don't think there is any reason for you to submit to bad treatment from family any more than from strangers. If you are not abusive to these people, if you treat them with courtesy or plain civility, that is all that is required of you. It doesn't mean you must love them in your heart of hearts. It means you have a sense of boundaries. I think forgiveness is detaching from negative feelings about a person, no matter how they treat you. Certainly you should assert your self respect, but if you are hoping that these people will change and be better or more respectful people, know this may not happen and it's up to you to work around it. I have often said that there is nothing you can do about someone not liking you for no reason except to not care. You cannot make other people treat you well. You can treat yourself well, and thus demonstrate what you expect from others. But fundamentally, it's about controlling your emotional responses to others.

I'm telling you, read that Loving What Is book, it is about this very thing.
Let me give you an example from my own life.

When I was young my mother married a man who was a terrible alcohol and turned out to be abusive to both her and I. This man terrorized me for the few years we lived with him, I was very afraid, very messed up for many years by my experiences in that situation. So many years later I was introduced to that book and the concepts within and the first issue I addressed were my feelings towards that man and about the things I'd gone through. These were things that affected me daily in my relationships, in how I viewed and dealt with myself, everything. They were a constant source of pain. So I sat down with the book, I did "The Work" (which is a series of 4 simple questions) and that was it. I asked myself those questions and I answered honestly and since that day I am incapable of stirring up even the most basic of negative feelings about something that haunted me for my entire life. I just let it go...

It doesn't have to take years of hard work or therapy or anything else to decide to stop letting something hurt you. All it takes it changing your mind and that is only ever a thought away. You ARE in control of your feelings, it's bullshit to think that G-d or whoever didn't give the ability to help yourself in this one area of your life. That is so nonsensical to me as to be utterly ridiculous. If you choose to believe that and live like that it's Your Choice, but there is another way...

To realize your true nature,you must wait for the right moment and the right conditions.When the time comes,you are awakened as if from a dream.You understand that what you have found is your own and doesn't come from anywhere outside.
Buddhist Sutra

Tamukha and Coco,thank you so much.
I realize that I don't know how to assert my self respect and so I expect people to change and be nice.I don't know how to deal with certain kind of people.I have to do"the work" to find why I am,in a way,afraid of dealing with this people and also afraid of 'demand" in a way,respect.
There is a Buddhist Tale that "once a snake was aterrorizing a village and an Angel came to her and asked her to be kind with people because she was behaving as a mean animal and making the animal kingdom a bad reputation.The snake felt ashamed and right away started to be kind.Many years later the sanke came to the Angel crying saying that people from the village were mean,horrible,and did all the bad things to her and she could'nt stand so much horror.The Angel said" I asked you to be kind.I dind't ask you to loose your self respect completly and to not protect yourself againg people's evil doer.

That's it,like the snake,I don't know how to protect myself,but I want to and that is a good start.I'll do my best to change.I'll order the book Coco,thanks.

Good for you! You sound like you are ready to let go of hurting yourself through the actions of others. I hope you find the inner serenity to just let it all go...
You can not ever change the actions and motivations of others, that is their job. It's your job to be in yourself, running your own life. Certainly, finding a place of respect, general respect for the way life really is, entails respecting yourself as well. Yes, absolutely, being kind does include being kind to you. Brilliant story and quotes. Peace to you.

"My experiences have shown me that emotions are more of a choice than many people think they are.

Being able to forgive (or no longer care) and move on can also be a choice"

I hope so, there are somethings which occationally come up from time to time for me. Some really old stuff that have been difficult to give up. Some other things I have been able to give up, and that was a real lift.

There are too many things happening in the NOW, that I need to protect myself from. But sometimes it stirs stuff up. I just got some news that my transcript request didn't get sent out from my school. So now my scholarship organization is waiting, and wondering why I haven't sent anything to them. But in fact I made the request 12/21/2010. I got so mad. But I just made a few phone calls, and sent out some emails. but I have yet to speak to someone in person, another frustrating thing.

I feel like I am jumping the gun on some of my emotional things. I imagine what type of response they might give back. So that was some insight for me. I haven't given them the chance to respond and I am already anticipating something bad.

Mislu,

This is interesting to me to read--you are recognizing your counterproductive tendencies. Good. It gives me pause about my way of doing things, too.

Tamukha,
Yes, its counterproductive alright. I am having trouble starting my studies which I need to do. I so much feel like confronting people over a lot of issues. Under it all is hurt, but thats pretty difficult to see if one is perceived as being the attacker.

So, I am working on trying to narrow everything down to whats the problem CURRENTLY! Yes, thats the thing. Also giving people the chance to respond, and correct the wrongs which might have been done. They may not respond the way I want, but I gotta give them the chance.

Gosh, I hate when it trigger old stuff, stuff thats been harboring unanswered for many many years.

I believe that the big problem is the "stuff that is triggered" -if I could say like that. The "stuff" is our problem and we have to deal with it.

Thank you so much Coco.Yes,I am on the path to running my life with self respect and kindness.
Thanks for your support,I really appreciate that.peace and much Love for you too.

here is somethin which i read today from a book acalled The New Man...

....the request to be forgiven, as we forgive others;

and this means that to reach a higher leval it is absolutely necessary first of all to cancel the debts of others recorded in that account book we all keep in our memories of what we imagine we are owed by the bad behaviour of others to us and their lack of consideration to ourselves.

Not to forgive others, is to keep oneself held down and chained to the "earth"( that leval of developement we are on in an unenlightened state). We imprison ourselves,fasten ourselves down,keep ourselves where we are, if we cannot cancel debts and as we forgive others so we are forgiven for our innumerable mistakes, failures in the growth of our own understanding-----that is, in our own evolution.

"unless we forgive the sins of others,we cannot expect any mercy ourselves in regard to our own evolution. To have mercy is, in one sense to know and to see that what one blames in others is also in oneself...."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/13/2011 05:44PM by juicin' john.