Here's the situation that some friends of ours are in --

The mother is 87 and the father 93. They were okay and living together at home until a couple months ago, and the father fell down and hurt himself and ended up in a nursing home. The mother has some heart issues so decided to get a triple bypass, and it's scheduled for tomorrow. The doctor had said she had a 50/50 chance of coming out of the operation alive, but she decided to do it. The father died yesterday. The kids decided to let the mother go ahead and have the operation tomorrow without telling her the father died.

I think the mother should be told. Because if she knew he had died, she might decide not to get the operation, and because she can always put off the operation and have it in a month or so. And what will happen when she has the operation and then finds out he died. And it's the truth, so it's the 'right thing to do'. My husband disagreed with me and says don't tell her now, let her go ahead and have the operation.

What do you think -- should the mother be told or just let her go ahead and have the operation and tell her later, if she lives through it?

They already made the decision, and I'm not going to say anything to them, but I'm just wondering if I'm 'right' or if my husband and the woman's kids are 'right'.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/06/2011 10:36PM by KidRaw.

well, either way, telling her while she is in this condition, is seriously dangerous for her, from a strictly medical sense telling her be4 is worse, as it would drastically increase the stress on her heart, she could potentially die be4 she has calmed down enough to make the operation safe, or as safe as it can be...

To be honest, what is BEST for her and what SEEMS morally right, are two entirely different things, and can be very difficult to separate from each other for most people... what is clearly best for her, is to now know about his passing, for as long as possible, so she can get the operation, and have time to recover from it, before putting that much strain on her... she will probably be very upset in the end that they didnt tell her though... so in the end its a choice between what is best, and what is morally right...

Best for her= waiting as long as possible to tell her.
Morally right= telling her right now.
Compromise= telling her shortly after the operation, once she has fully recovered from anesthesia and everything so she can process it better.

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Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, given their ages, I am sure she has an inkling of what is going on & what may happen. I don't know all of the details, but she must know that her husband at age 93 was possibly close to passing...?

Either way it will have an impact on her to tell her, but at this point, I would opt to tell her before the operation.

It is the right thing to do morally, and she may even be more upset if told afterward & she realizes that the family withheld the news from her.

I think she should be told. I would want to be told.

I think she should be told now ONLY IF she is going through the bypass with the expectation of surviving to enjoy more time with her husband. Otherwise, she should be told afterwards; she is an adult and presumably has made this decision as a lucid sovereign person, and her decision should be honored.

Tough one, and I hope the family is able to heal from this difficult and sad situation.

I thnk she should be told now and given the option to opt out of the operation right now untill she feels better or to opt out entirely ..

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

That's a difficult decision, perhaps there's no black and white 'right' answer, but an answer tailored to each situation and each individual.

For me, my family know I am big on being told the truth, I see this as a form of compassion and respect to me. I would want to know before.

There's also the issue of whether she will be missing her husband's funeral, I hope that would not be the case as that would be tragic. I'm assuming due to the closeness of the death and the procedure that this will not be the case.

Each person would want a different thing so the family who knows them best has to gauge that and make a decision.

I personally would want to know but I am the sort who would rather hear a hard truth than a soft lie or omittance. Not everyone feels the same way, I couldn't make that decision for another based on what I would prefer, I would have to think about their personality.

She's not feeble, she's elderly and she has a right to know about her husband. Usually people are buried within days of their death, and I'm sure she would want to be there to say good-bye to her husband.

Love,
Prism

KidRaw Wrote:
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> ........ The father died yesterday. The kids
> decided to let the mother go ahead and have the
> operation tomorrow without telling her the father
> died.
I haven't noticed what anyone said, but I wouldn't have told. Nor would I have allowed the operation.....at her age.....what are people thinking??....WY

Interesting opinions, guys. Thanks. So today she had the operation, it ended up being only a double-bypass that she needed, and she's recuperating now. The husband is donating his body to Science, and will be cremated and have a memorial service in about two weeks, so they'll tell her before that, and be able to attend, and I guess it'll all work out the way it was supposed to.

So today the mother sort of had intuition or something, and asked about her husband, and they told her he died.

ah, well im glad they did not lie to her, I hope she is handling it well.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

KidRaw Wrote:
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> So today the mother sort of had intuition or
> something, and asked about her husband, and they
> told her he died.

And... ?

How did she handle it?

Yes, I'm getting this information from my husband because it's his friends. I'm going to call them when I get up my nerve to give my condolences. He doesn't know if she had said she wished they had told her about her husband's death before her operation.

So today he told me that the mother is doing fine. I guess she's taking it all right. She's real tough and her daughter said she almost never cries, so I don't even know if she cried or not.

But he said when the mother came out of the operation, there was an officer there who served her with a subpoena from a traffic accident she had about a year ago. Which reminds me that I wanted to ask somebody or other if there are laws in place that take away old people's driver's license when they get to a certain age. I hope not, because I plan on living a long healthy life and I want to be driving in my 80's and 90's and 100's, whatever.

I am glad she seems to be taking it alright...

At least in the U.S. I do not know of any place that takes away a drivers license from an older person based on age...

Kidraw, I dont believe any old person should be allowed to keep their license without a yearly driving skills test, I have personally seen to many tragic accidents do entirely to common age related issues to think that its a good idea, including an entire church bake sale plowed through and many people killed because the nice old lady thought she was hitting the brake but floored the gas instead...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

In some places here but maybe all of Canada you've got to pass regular driving tests to continue to have a license. Good thing too, vision, hearing and reflexes all start to go as you age but I've Never met an older person who willingly gives up their license even when they should absolutely not be driving anymore.

here in the U.S. you do too, but they are very far apart(3-5 years I believe), where as the abilities of the elderly can drastically decline in a short time, and often they only have to take a written test at MOST to renew their licenses, my dad does it by MAIL!!! and I have to say, he is definitely not a safe driver... he should not have a license...

I wish they tested for vision hearing and reflexes here... an actual driving test, on the streets, would be best I believe as well...see how they handle the driving experience, my dad just tunes out and doesnt notice most stuff...ive stopped him from getting in accidents countless times...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?