I have been thinking of this one because I see it everywhere I go and it rankles me, I admit. I was wondering if anyone else feels as I do, especially parents. I have never been one so my perspective is obviously different from the outside looking in.

Today I was riding to the university from which I post on here. I noticed two women chatting and then all of a sudden out of nowhere a very young child darted in front of my bike and crossed to the side of the adults. He must have been three at the most. I didn't even have time to ring my bell or anything. Luckily I go pretty slowly and it was a sidestreet. Still, I was a little ticked off at the woman (his mother, no doubt) who said: "Good job! You ran over here so fast!"

I was underpraised growing up. I also was overly criticized. So I am very conscious of the need to acknowledge one's child(ren) and point out the good stuff. However, I see mothers (sorry but that's who I usually see doing this) who say "good job!" at every silly little thing and I think it's a recipe for disaster. First of all, the world ain't gonna fawn all over the kid and notice every little thing. Is little Madison gonna be bummed out when she's not told how amazing it was that she put her pencil back in the holder? And another issue I take with this is that I feel sometimes that the parent should say: "Thank you for picking up your toys without being asked" or "Thanks for being so quiet during church." By saying "good job!" all the time, the child is conditioned into becoming a trained seal who does things for praise. And praise junkies are sad little creatures.

Ditto to all you've said. I too dislike the "good job" praise. I much prefer specific comments that tell the child why what they did was good, like "Look how neat your shelves are. It is easy to see all of your toys. You really know how to organize things." I think praise should sound conversational and be something the parent wouldn't mind hearing from someone. Somehow the way "good job" is said by some people sounds so condescending. Yuck. You've definitely hit a hot button for me on this one, banana who!

Children aren't stupid. They know when praise isn't sincere and they are being manipulated.

I remember from some psychology class I took that children with low self esteem may need frequent praise for incremental improvement and effort, but brighter and more capable children do better with intermittent reinforcement. I think it's still good to express positive comments about extended effort and special achievements, but praise for common simple behaviors is insulting.


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I think children are overpraised--I say this as a former preschool educator--but I would not have read the event that way. The child was being overpraised only if his mother was teaching him how to play Dodge 'Ems! with bicycles and he usually scampers faster than that out of the way of unsuspecting cyclists. No, what this incident demonstrates is Maternus obliviousis, a creature increasingly commonly spotted in our urban and suburban byways and malls. She is denoted by her contradictory indulgent emphasis on her offspring's appearance or other perceived attributes, and indifference to keeping her doted- upon offspring from circumstance of peril. She is closely related to Toddlersandtiarasis dunderheadus, a particularly wretched specimen.

Whew! Thanks, Trive. I heard a saying "catch your child doing the right thing" and I love it because some parents tend to point out the times when kids mess up and don't do so when they do the "right" thing.

Overpraising ultimately makes it meaningless, IMO. It's like showering your kids with "stuff" and then nothing is special.

Yes, there is a condescending vibe to it. I sometimes wonder what's that all about. I tend to think that it reinforces the parent's view of herself as the "grownup," especially when it's accompanied with that sing-song voice. I also think it's done to build the parent up, given that s/he is the source of the DNA. I don't mean to come down on parents. I just think it's overdone.

Tam: LOL!!!! I couldn't believe she praised this little boy for running in front of my bike! I thought I was on Pluto. Yes, look good on the outside but everything else is secondary. I am studying for my early childhood certificate and so child matters are on my mind...

Hope his mom doesnt say "good job" when he tries to dart out in front of a semi truck!

I never had kids either,but I sure wouldnt say "good job" for darting out in front of ANYTHING in the street.

Oh oh...I just thought of something. I wonder if she praises every last one of his bowel movements. Bwah! "Good job, Jayden! That was a big pile of @#$%&!"

You know what, we gotta change the filter on this thing. I said P**P and they made it look like I wrote sh--!

I was never overpraised. If anything it seemed like I was criticized too much. I guess I should be used to that, but I am not. I still feel the need for praise. I don't expect it for everything, but on a few occations I would really like it. As appropriate. But there is an annoying side effect from the lack of praise and overcriticism. I sometimes don't even recognize when I got a compliment. I sometimes think the person is being sarcastic. I felt insible most of childhood unless I was doing something annoying or wrong in some way. If I got good grades in school I was ignored totally.

Mislu, I understand exactly what you mean. I can totally relate to that! Children need to feel that their parents appreciate them, warts and all. And being affirmed for things which you do well, both skills and everyday actions, is very important to enhance self-concept. When the vast majority of comments you hear from your caretakers is negative, your self-concept will not allow you to believe good stuff as an adult!

So my post is for the other extreme of parenting. And those children will find it hard NOT to get noticed for every little thing they do. An addiction to pats on the back is debilitating in its own way. I was reading remarks from an employer of young adults from Generation Y and he said that they need so much praise for precisely the reason I mentioned.

I guess balance is in order. I did work in a workplace with a lot of younger people, quite often I wondered why some of them seemed too pampered. I think your response is fitting. A lot of people think that any criticism is hurtful, but it can actually be helpful if done responsibly and realistically.

I hate to be critical of the current generation, but it seems like sometimes it is too easy. My partners neice and nephew are on the high honors list for the school, and they were very proud of it. I was so impressed, that is until my mil showed me their names in the paper. That should have been the tops, but it wasn't. I was expecting a very small list,like 5-10 or maybe 20 at most. But it was very extensive, like a full page. It really seemed to water down whatever meaning high honors had. It certainly meant something different when I was their age.

At the same time, I was very angry at a professor I had in college for geology. He told the class at the start of the semester that he was going to issue a single 'A' for the semester for each class, and that was it. It didn't matter if someone got 99%, if someone else got 100% that person was getting the A. I remember that shook a lot of people, and I think half the class transfered to another class. I think my self esteem was low back then, I would do the same now, but at the time I was willing to get a B, as that was what I expected of myself. But I do remember thinking something like "why bother" with this class? What does he expect?

I remember an art class (Art for Elementary School Teachers) and on the first day the prof announced that she did not give A's. I think she wanted to correct the impression that it was an easy class that people could breeze through. Instead of dropping the course, I took it on as a challenge. I was determined to earn an "A" and dare her not to give it to me.

For example, when we had to make a three-dimensional, papier mache' figure, everyone else in the class made little animals about the size of a balloon which they'd used for the base. I made a life-sized Native American in full feather headdress all out of papier mache' that I made smooth and sanded, but with some grooves so that it looked like it had been carved from wood and then painted. That was only one project of many different media that semester. I did the best I could possibly do on every one of them. I could tell I was breaking her down when she asked me if she could have one of the masks I made. I did earn an A - - the first person ever to get one from her. I remember her laughing when she told me I earned it. I could tell she was pleased to give it too, but not as happy as I was to have met the challenge.

The point is that getting praise, approval, a good grade, etc., means so much more when it is for a true accomplishment.

On the other hand, I am married to the most wonderful person I could have for my life partner. Not a day goes by that he doesn't say something positive and nice to me - - and it is always something different and specific. I don't know how he does it because we have been together for 15 years! But if he were to praise me for something ordinary, "I like the way you park the car," or to say "Good job" when I do the dishes or some other mundane thing, I would feel insulted and wouldn't like it one tiny bit! Hmmm... maybe I am over-praised as an adult! I guess I don't know what to say to that other than "lucky me."


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Trive,

Two wonderful stories for the price of one--your posts are a lovely bargain I greatly look forward to

Do you still have any of the pieces of art? I would love to see what they look like. When I was a camp counselor, we had some craft and arts projects, we all gave some wonderful critiques of everything. The teacher I was working with had some PHD in education from harvard. I remember that she didn't want to rank the projects in places like 1st, 2nd etc... but to try and find something remarkable about each piece. Later the camp counselors got some awards for best this or that, the students held a vote. I remember everyone getting some award. They awarded me the most artistic.

Thank you, Tamukha. Fittingly to the topic of praise, I appreciate receiving a positive comment from you because I admire you so much. Your knowledge and insights are always enlightening.

Mislu, my mother, who is in her 80's now, has kept art I've made dating back to my childhood. If I'm ever famous, she'll be the person to contact for a retrospective exhibit! She even kept a weaving I did for that very art class - a bird tapestry that I made entirely out of individual Turkish knots! The teacher you remember from the camp was wise to find something remarkable to comment on about each piece. Everyone feels valued and appreciated that way. That is a great example of how specific feedback is better than the generic, "GOOD JOB!" throw-away comment. And how nice to be awarded "most artistic". It sounds like you had a rewarding and memorable experience with a great group of people.


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Oh, Trive, my goodness, I am so abashed--your insights have been so helpful to me here on these boards, you will never know how much! Thank you


Mislu,

I think in the case of artistic endeavor and if the participants be of a tender age, it is impossible to overpraise a child. Art is so ambiguous a thing, so much a matter of taste, whereas academic or social performance are less arbitrary. We all know what good writing looks like as opposed to poor writing, and we all know what rudeness looks like as opposed to good manners. But there's no such thing as bad kiddie finger painting, right?

Trive,
Yes, I was amazed at her insight. I guess that is why she made the big bucks! But more importantly it made the students feel good about what they were doing, and their culture. It was a Native American Science camp.

Tamukha,
I think your statement would apply, but what I was specifically thinking about was when I taught the students basketry. These were students in Jr. High and high school, but just freshmen and sophmore high school students. That they all made a finished basket was something to praise! I had taught basket making to some other students and sometimes there wasn't a finished project. But they were just so good! Some made ones with patterns, ones which I didn't teach,they did that on their own. I actually encouraged them to make their first basket a single color to concentrate on form and technique. But there were multiple colors for the thread available, so i guess that naturally suggested patters and color changes! Certainly I was willing to let students make up their own pattern if that is what they wanted and were ready for!

The same teacher taught them to do sculpture and carving. Some of those projects were just so amazing. I remember that I did one which was originally suppose to be a bird. But one of the wings broke, so I modified it to make a bumble bee with round wings. I think it turned out better that way. The wings were offset, not quite even, and that give it so much character. I felt kind of silly making it, because it looked like a 'cutie' thing, not the serious project it was supposed to be. I remember the students wanted to give me an award for that, but the teacher said to give it to a student. I was then later criticized because it wasn't keeping within the traditional format it was supposed to be. I then explained that It was a way to salvage a project gone haywire! the response was 'oh'.

I know I've written a lot on this already, so I hope y'all won't mind a bit more.

After thinking about this, I have come to the conclusion that the problem is not so much the quantity of praise, but rather the sincerity and accurate specificity of the praise that are critical. Phoniness and poorly disguised attempts to manipulate that are cloaked as praise are insidious and make me cringe. But kind and positive comments and observations are wonderful. It's hard to overdo them.

Perhaps the best parenting advice I ever heard was to "catch the child being good." Now I'd add to be kind, sincere, accurate and thoughtful when you do it.


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Trive,
Those are great suggestions. I think in psychology there is positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. A kind of carrot and the stick. The general belief is that carrots result in better behavior and performance. I don't know if that has been proven. I know it can be very difficult on children to only have sticks. I remember one of my cousins ran away from home as a teenager. We never talked about what happened exactly. But I just got the feeling that she wasn't praised for things she should have, as my uncle tends to be overly serious, stern, and notices bad things more than good, maybe totally ignores good things.

It would be nice to have kind, sincere, accurate and thoughtful for carrots and sticks when needed. I think both are really necessary to have a rounded upbringing.

I thought of something interesting today. In some cases it is actually useful to emphaize sticks. Like driving records, its so important to curb bad driving behaviors, so the system in the U.S. generally punishes bad driving more than rewarding good driving. I am a good driver and I wish the positive was rewarded more however, like better rates for insurance. But sometimes it seems like penalties should be more, as I have seen soooo much bad driving.

praise em
don't praise em

whatevs

can't win no matter what

can't lose exactly either

and its all kinda funny

though i wonder why i don't feel like laughing

almost ran over the little critter, huh?

hah... amazing you and the kid are still alive

that's a good thing

if that happened to me

me being as weird as i am

the joy and relief of us both making it out alive

would probably overpower the tad bit of annoyance that i would feel

as far as what parents say to their kids

i have NOOOo idea
about this or that

and sure glad its not my job to figure it out either

Hey La Veronique!! Long time.I miss your poems.

hi cy!

well in the end it doesn't matter
if you praise your kid too much and the child grows up thinking the world should serve him/her
they will learn what the real deal is

if the kid is praised to little
the kid finds out for themselves to praise themselves as necessary

either way
they learn
it all equals out in the final analysis