I found out recently that I have a lot less of them than I ever thought. I don't know why. I know they can be cultivated. The only reason I can think of cultivating them is for sanity and peace of mind. Why does it come so easily for some people? Are there any other reasons and benefits? It just seems to me that its pretending or being untrue to ones feelings or lack of them. I sometimes do have both, but sometimes I just don't feel it. At least I have some awareness of it now. Actually I don't know if I have always felt this way, or if its something entirely new. I guess it doesn't matter I am aware of it now.

Me too.

Years ago I was a lot "nicer" person than I am now. What changed things? I am a product of my environment...

"I don't hate you, Cardassian, I hate what I became because of you"

- Miles O'Brian

really? you experienced the same thing? when did you notice this?

Not sure really. These things seem to creep up on you when you aren't looking. How about you? When did you notice?

Just a few days ago. Actually I sort of noticed it sort of building for the last few years if I really think about it. It doesn't feel good. I hate the harsh feeling of it. I noticed that underneath it I think there is a hurt, like a scar that never really healed. It gets irritated with newer 'poking' in the scar. Maybe everyone has these things, but in different spots. Its difficult to write about.

Like all feelings,those come and go.
I would like to think that our true nature is compassion and empathy.And if that isnt happening,then you have to peel away the layers that are covering that.But its always at our core.
How could we survive otherwise.?
Vinny

eaglefly,
Thats a more positive view.Its already there, we just have to be open to it? aware of it?

Mislu, I'm not buying it. I know for a fact that you are an exceptionally compassionate person. It's apparent in your posts about your step mother, about your fish, about the neighbour with the deli...
I have observed in myself a growing restraint with compassion, who I feel it for, where I direct it and what action I take based on those things. That's not a loss of compassion IMO, that's a refining of my own behaviour. It's less of an undirected free-for-all and rather a focused and thoughtful management of my feelings. Sometimes what is called for is firmness, not softness, but appropriate response to situations is also compassionate. Tough love is still love .

I guess I am confusing emotions with compassion and empathy. I think the bottom line is what you do with the emotions if anything, and why one has particular emotions.

Mislu, agree with coco--you are a lovingly empathic person, if your posts have been authentic, and can feel others' feelings easily.

I sometimes wonderabout that.I am often clueless as to what someone else is feeling or thinking or their concerns.

Clueless does not = uncaring though. People are sometimes hard to figure out, we've learned to safeguard our real emotions when communicating, to subvert our true feelings and reactions in the name of social norms. It's not wonder we can't figure each other out very well.

Makes sense, I guess. What would happen if everyone was really truthful about their emotions? Its a great explanation. Social norms I have had a love/hate relationship with, mostly hate until recently. Now I am working on being indifferent to what is expected.

If anyone remembers, the deli guy that lived below me...he moved out and closed his shop. He was going to enjoy living at the shore. He had this growth on the side of his head. It turned out to be cancer. He had it removed recently, having a 16 hour surgery. He managed to survive that, only to die of a heart attack.

He will have services tommarrow. I would like to view his body, and see what he looked like without the growth on his head. I feel bad that he worked so hard, and didn't have a chance to enjoy his retirement. Other than that I am happy he isn't suffering anymore. He wasn't in good health these last few years I could tell, and it I noted when his health seemed to go down hill. I was going to say I regret not giving him nutritional advice. However I don't think he would have been open to it, and he never asked, so I assumed that it would have been unwelcome information. I don't know if it would have made any difference.

Sorry to hear that, I'm sure just frequenting his store and being a part of his community made a difference to him. There's nothing any one can say or do to change another unless that person is open to it and he didn't seem like he was. Don't worry about not offering him advice, he sounded like he was settled into his own way.

Coco,
Yes, I sensed that. Its true, he was very traditional and was in the business of making various italian dishes, all mostly processed food, high fat meats and cheeses, and thought that other nutritional paradigms were no good, just designed to ruin his business.

I saw him almost daily going in and out of the house, as there was a common area between the house and the back of the deli. He would sometimes give me samples of stuff, I took a few small bits, but rejected most offers after awhile.

I will always remember the time the yellow bird hit the window. I was trying to scoop it up with a box and a lid and was going to set it somewhere in the yard out of the way. I was afraid of touching it, as I thought wild animals didn't want to be touched. He immediately picke it up, and started praying for its recovery. It was kind of funny watching it peck his hand when he did that. He was saying something about gods precious creatures, meanwhile he had scraps of ham, cheese and the slime that it makes all over his hands. Sweet guy I suppose, but I always wondered about how some animals are food, and some are precious and cute.

He wanted me to help him write a book on his fundementalist christian faith. I listened to a CD he recorded. I thought I would just listen. I was expecting it to be a polished, almost ready to publish work, but it was just rambling thoughts about various doctrines and events in his life. I honestly didn't see the miracleness in the events he listed as miracles, but never challanged him on anything. I am actually glad I did not. I was just happy that he was doing his best to be a decent person as he saw it. He asked me what I thought of the CD and I sort of said a white lie about how it was 'really good' or something like that. He sort of winsed, like he was still hurt anyway, he could tell that I didn't really like it or understood it. I think he appreciated that I didn't bring it to arguement,which I had thought of doing. but I just told myself I don't want to be bothered, or waste time.

I think your right I do have more compassion than I thought.

i'm not sure why one SHOULD have any compassion for anyone

you either have it for a particular person or you don't

lying and pretending when an emotion just is NOT there is the epitome of lack of compassion for oneself

if one accepts that one does not feel compassion towards a particular person or in a general sense ,i feel that this is the START of having acceptance towards oneself and this automatically leads to compassion

sometimes when one feels powerless to do anything about something such as -

if someone you know had a loved one pass away
there is a natural disaster
someone was just robbed
someone was assaulted

there is the automatic desire to protect oneself from the feeling of helplessness by simply disconnecting

this is a start
then , if one can fully accept that they feel no compassion and a feeling of disconnect, this is honoring one's truth

this too is having compassion for oneself

then one can ask oneself,

do i wish to do something about what just happened to such and such a person?
am i able to do it?
can i afford to do it either in financial energy or time energy or activity energy?
do i WANT to do anything about it?

if the answer is no, then it is no.
if the answer is yes, then it is yes.

neither is better than the other
and ultimately healing is an inside job

you can be there for someone
but ultimately they will have to take the arduous journey inward by themselves for it to be real for them

perhaps instead of worrying about being compassionate towards others,

be more concerned whether the person suffering has compassion towards themselves,
what are THEY able to do about it, what are the steps THEY will take?

or just let them be
its not your job to feel everything other people are feeling

just be centered

and you automatically "help" those around you

Honesty is healthy.

I just got back from johns wake. I just stayed long enough to see his face. I saw where they removed the growth on the side of his head, and a scar going to his eye. He was very puffy. I just said I missed him and hugged his wife and spoke to his daughter briefly and his son.

Me and my partner felt no need to stay for the whole ceremony and indeed it was an open viewing with no strings attached.

Mislu,

I am sorry to hear about the deli owner. Please know that his growth was growing for years internally, and you'd have had to have influenced him to deal with it holistically before it was visible, a paradox. That you were considerate toward him and took trouble over him must have meant a lot to him. That you went to his wake shows what a caring person you are, and I'm sure his family knows this already.

Hi Mislu,

I think compassion and empathy come naturally to us in general. Maybe you have some suppressed anger toward some people that is transfering to humanity as a whole. Maybe journaling about it may help. Is there anyone or some groups of people or something that you may be holding in some angry thoughts about, resentments? jealousy?

Interesting points to consider. I think I need to find a new situation, as high density areas tend to stress me out, especially if the majority is operating from a type a personality outlook.

yeah. i live in new jersey too. central near the coast. i moved here from way out in the country. i guess both have their negative and positives, but still less population is definitely easier on the stress level.

I found that it does have a different energy, I feel like I have become more 'hardened' by living in NJ. When I first arrived I was like "?" why are people so rude and indifferent? and after being here almost two years I can see why. So many people, constant movement, people bumping into you at store etc. I don't take as much offense at it now, be it good or bad.

Now when I lived in a small town in washington I got annoyed at how much space people took up, and how much personal space is required. I would get annoyed when shopping people chirping 'excuse me' like they were really annoyed. They had 3-4 feet of space to walk around me! I was like "?!!!"

I also never been to a place where 4 cars could cause a traffic jam. I also would try to time crossing the street, accounting for constant speed of a vehicle. In most major cities I generally counted on cars keeping the same speed. So I could safely cross after the car vacated. But no, up there they would slow down or completely stop. Then look at you like 'what are you doing?" The custom up there is for people to not even enter the opposite lane until the car is completely gone.

Its strange, because there were so few cars, and to me what seemed like plenty of space, it seemed like there would never be any accidents. However it seems like per capita I bet its higher than NJ.

Work was also very different and difficult for me. Almost everyone in the workplace knew each other for twenty years or more. And also had an expectation of working there for the rest of their life for the most part. So it had a different dynamic. There were other things I thought strange, and different, but I forgot most of them of which I was glad.

wow sounds like time to move

Great stories Mislu

I kind of agree with LaV, it is easy to make a judgement about a perceived lack of compassion and end up with more negativity than what may have been there to begin with. If you can accept yourself without it, it removes one of your mental structures ( that you aren't compassionate ) that influence your subsequent behaviour/feelings.

I believe that compassion is actually a progression of unconditional acceptance, and a commitment to what ever you feel is good.

I think compassion is like a try to "Look for the good in people." thing.

someone recently ive had some contentious forum exchanges with PM'd me saying they felt compassion should be reserved for those that need it.

this made my heart feel heavy

...Jodi, the banana eating buddhist

I think everyone needs it! The exact form however varies. I would also make the distinction is that some of the time people who need compassion may not really 'deserve' it. But I have discovered a unique property of compassion, it saves oneself from hurt, and unintended consequences from doing the wrong thing. So as difficult as it might be, always try to do the right compassionate thing.

I don't know what to say about observing someone else not doing or saying the right thing. I am sure its difficult to watch and hear.

Wow, what a statement. What makes anyone qualified to determine who needs what and who doesn't? Pretty heavy handed, that.

Nobodys really qualified. However, I just get the feeling that people often determine that on a daily basis. But everyone needs compassion and empathy.

An example I was standing on a corner getting really to cross and this car suddenly drove past me really fast to make a turn. He seemed to actually drive closer to me. Just an inch or two away. I thought man that was too close! and it was totally unnecessary. There was plenty of space not just in his lane but the lane next to it. I really needed compassion and empathy, or maybe just respect for space. Is it really the same thing? Similiar I am sure.

Why did this person determine that my life wasn't that important to risk getting hurt or killed? Was his destination so important that he could not have taken a 1/10 of a second longer to get there so as to get further into the lane?

Recalling this story doesn't really bring up compassion or empathy for him. But I will suffer if I don't forgive and forget some insensitive stranger driving by. I guess forgiveness is a form of compassion I must demonstrate despite his insensitivity at that particular moment.