For my 40th next week my family spent the amount of money it cost to cover a cleft palate surgery for a child who needs it on FLOWERS they had delivered to my door today. I am in tears, I can't believe it, so incredibly wasteful. How could they think I would want this? It's like THEY'VE NEVER EVEN MET ME, aaaahhhhh! Two hundred and fifty dollars on 40 long stemmed roses. I want to appreciate the gesture but I'm completely sickened. They're getting donated to the senior's centre tomorrow, at least I can brighten their day. I COULD have changed a child's life forever but I'll try not to think about that.

*cries*

This world is a fekked up place.

coco,

Unless they did this in direct defiance of what they know to be your principles, please assume they meant to show only love. Donating the flowers is a way to set the wiggy karma this gesture has created right, and that's all you can do. Hugs.

Coco,
That is so sweet of you to think of a child like that. I think I know how you feel. I had a boyfriend once that bought me flowers. A big bunch of long stemmed roses. Normally that would have been incredibly romantic. But I was infuriated to no end! We were on a tight budget, and we frequently had fights about economic things. I usually ended up paying for his trivial and useless spending sprees for things which were totally unncessary, this was no exception.

He failed to see that however. He was then mad that I didn't accept the make up offering over our last money fight. I would have been more touched if he collected some dandelions and put them in a water dish. That would have expressed the thought, but demonstated some consciousness about our money situation. Perfect. Costing nothing, and totally noticing to make due with the situation at hand.

I guess my example is a bit different, as I was more selfishly watching and defending my own pocketbook, or trying to. Actually no so selfish, as it was essential and practical. I am glad that you are sharing it with a senior center however! That actually makes my day! So you spread more cheer than you thought!

I hope the seniors will get a chance to enjoy them in a commonly shared area or something. Sigh. I know it wasn't done with ill intentions but it was completely thoughtless. I have never made it a secret that I don't enjoy cut flowers, their production creates a lot of pollution and then the chemicals they are grown with off-gas in your house. And I have never made a secret about my intense dislike for wastefulness. I seriously don't throw anything away and I try hard to make conscientious purchases. They do know this, it's a fairly huge part of our lives. And this year I asked them all to donate to a charitable organization at Xmas instead of buying gifts for us that we didn't need. I sent them all several messages about Smile Train, made sure it was known how important it was to us. If they had taken even a moment to think about my answer when they ask me "What do you want for Xmas, your birthday, etc", it's always the same. Charitable donation, please don't buy me anything, please don't waste money. In a way I can see it as them not wanting to give me stuff, flowers don't last. But to spend SO much money, oh Gawd, it makes me feel sick to think about it.
$250 is half a month's rent. It's 2 weeks of groceries for the 3 of us. It's more than I add to the kid's school savings plan in a year. It's just so flipping much money. Gaspingly frivolous, I just can't find it in myself to enjoy that at all.

Mislu, your story is similar. It only takes a moment to think up something that the person you love and should know well would appreciate. Just throwing money instead of making a thoughtful choice is so lame.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/07/2012 12:11AM by coco.

Coco,
I totally agree. But in looking back, I realize something, from HIS perspective it was something he would have liked to get. Which I suppose is kind of sweet in a way, still not really thinking of me.

I remembered something else which was rather lame. He actually said that I was supposed to find it romantic and want to make up. Fully implying passionate love making. To which I just stared back blankly and unimpressed.

Well, at some other point I think I got a taste of what he must have felt. But not quite the same way. I did pick some wild flowers (ones I knew were not endangered or anything, actually technically weeds)which cost nothing for me to obtain. I put them in a vase at home as a surprise. Not as a make up, and not expecting anything other than just to say I thought of him. He was totally unimpressed. Simply because from his point of view I didn't make a real effort, it was cheating unless I actually spent something, preferably alots of money. Second that they weren't really flowers because someone didn't put them in an arrangment. But oddly enough, I didn't have an angry reaction to what he felt. I was rather disappointed that he didn't see how much I cared to think about him, and did what I could at the moment on very limited funds.

Coco,
Here is a photo of type of flowers.(fireweed)
[www.google.com]

There is something else I remember, something which I did find upsetting. When we broke up, he quickly found a new lover. This person gave him...wildflowers, which he seemed so emotionally attached to. I saw them on the dash board of his car, I remember him commenting on how much it meant to him. I found that so very hurtful. Why would it mean anything to him from someone he just barely knew?

My current partner did something similiar. I don't know why. He had commented on how touched he was that an earlier partner gave him irises.How much he liked them. I noted that and gave him a bundle at some point. Nothing, no sentimentality, no flush of emotion, hardly a word. I don't know what to expect, and have pretty much given up on giving flowers for anything. I did get him a sweeper for needles on the driveway for his birthday one year. He seemed truely touched by that. He seemed at war with the pine needles on the drive way, so I just made it easier for him 'wage war' with the push sweeper being a better weapon than a broom. I thought that is 'romantic'? but it was more effective than irises for some reason. I guess context is everything.

I think those flowers are lovely, vibrant and glorious.

As for the sweeper, yes, absolutely romantic. Any gift that shows true consideration, that you've been paying attention to what a person says and how they're feeling day to day and have pinpointed something that can make their life nicer... that is exactly what being romantic is IMHO. That's lovely.

I do understand you completely.

I think that's so sweet and compassionate how you think. I think that way sometimes, but at the same time, the profits from those flowers may be going somewhere good, like supporting a family or something. I don't really have much experience with cleft palate, that is so kind to think of those children. On a regular basis, it's nice to get flowers, especially at the hospital, but you're right about donations instead being a nice alternative. If only we knew which donation places we can trust. Can you make some rosewater or something? Something so delicate as the essence of a rose.

They are commercially grown roses so they are full of chemicals, I wouldn't use them for anything. Plus they don't have any scent! They are grown for looks. It's odd, some are red, some yellow, and the rest are pale green. That can't be right, can it? Green roses?
As for choosing a charity, there are a few places online that rate them. World Vision consistently uses a very high percentage of donated money towards the actually cause. Maybe places divert quite a bit for "administrative costs", you want one that doesn't do that.

Thank you Cy, and the rest of you, for understanding. I feel guilty for being ungrateful but I just found the wastefulness and pointlessness of it overwhelming. It's a hideous tradition for my siblings and I to take up, I refuse to participate in it. Ugh. It's funny, my sister is very frivolous, she lives in a world of spending on nothing but our brother is exceedingly frugal, he's been living in the tiniest of spaces with barely any possessions for years now. I can see him being baffled and ticked off if someone wasted money on something like this for him too. $250 is probably more than he spends on food, laundry and everything else for a month.

Coco,

First of all happy belated birthday. Next people do funny (not funny) things to get a rise out of us. It is great that you have expressed your feelings! I (if it was me) would tell your family thanks for the thought but do not do it again, and again why. They may be hurt but you need to take care of yourself. Hopefully they will learn. Just my opinion.

Again, Happy 40th!!!

Thanks Vermontnl, it's today in fact . I share the day with Elvis and David Bowie so I'm in good, creative company. And I'm feeling better this morning. The sun is shining and we're off on a little adventure with a friend and her kids. The 5 little ones love each other and their antics always put a smile on my face.
My two go back to school tomorrow so I'll be getting my resolutions started and I'm more than looking forward to that. It's a good day.

I love being in my 40s. It's a nice combination of wisdom and youth. Welcome to the club.

Thank you for telling us about that charity coco. I made it my New Years Resolution to donate $10 a month to a charity this year. I don't have that much money, but that would help right? I can hardly wait til tomorrow!
[www.worldvision.org] God bless.

Ah, that really made my day . Any money they get helps, when it comes to people living with so little even a small difference can change things. I think $10 a month is really generous, if more people did that could change the planet! Thank you.

rawalice Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thank you for telling us about that charity coco.
> I made it my New Years Resolution to donate $10 a
> month to a charity this year. I don't have that
> much money, but that would help right? I can
> hardly wait til tomorrow!
> [www.worldvision.org]
> ndex.html?open&campaign=11935117&cmp=KNC-11935117
> God bless.

coco Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I hope the seniors will get a chance to enjoy them
> in a commonly shared area or something. Sigh. I
> know it wasn't done with ill intentions but it was
> completely thoughtless. I have never made it a
> secret that I don't enjoy cut flowers, their
> production creates a lot of pollution and then the
> chemicals they are grown with off-gas in your
> house. And I have never made a secret about my
> intense dislike for wastefulness. I seriously
> don't throw anything away and I try hard to make
> conscientious purchases. They do know this, it's a
> fairly huge part of our lives. And this year I
> asked them all to donate to a charitable
> organization at Xmas instead of buying gifts for
> us that we didn't need. I sent them all several
> messages about Smile Train, made sure it was known
> how important it was to us. If they had taken even
> a moment to think about my answer when they ask me
> "What do you want for Xmas, your birthday, etc",
> it's always the same. Charitable donation, please
> don't buy me anything, please don't waste money.
> In a way I can see it as them not wanting to give
> me stuff, flowers don't last. But to spend SO much
> money, oh Gawd, it makes me feel sick to think
> about it.
> $250 is half a month's rent. It's 2 weeks of
> groceries for the 3 of us. It's more than I add to
> the kid's school savings plan in a year. It's just
> so flipping much money. Gaspingly frivolous, I
> just can't find it in myself to enjoy that at
> all.
>
> Mislu, your story is similar. It only takes a
> moment to think up something that the person you
> love and should know well would appreciate. Just
> throwing money instead of making a thoughtful
> choice is so lame.


Coco, I have to disagree with your statements, especially the last one. Some people are not good at getting presents for others. I have a close family member who always managed to find fault at what I gave her. It was like the choice of gift was seen as some kind of "proof" of lack of caring or "getting" the person. While this may be understandable to some degree, sometimes the other person doesn't allow a display of his or her real self! So it becomes a guessing game to some degree. And some people are uncomfortable receiving things and may be overly critical as a result. In any case, gifts should never be used to gauge how another person feels about you,IMO. And some people are very self-absorbed and forget your likes and dislikes. I sent another family member fancy chocolates one year and didn't receive a response and then it dawned on me that he had mentioned not liking chocolate. Well, I don't think I'm all that clueless but I do think it's rude not to acknowledge a gift, regardless!

As for your particular gift, why didn't you just ask for MONEY?! Then you can do with it as you wish? That's what I do now, LOL! Gimme MOOLA!!!!

coco Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thanks Vermontnl, it's today in fact . I share
> the day with Elvis and David Bowie so I'm in good,
> creative company. And I'm feeling better this
> morning. The sun is shining and we're off on a
> little adventure with a friend and her kids. The 5
> little ones love each other and their antics
> always put a smile on my face.
> My two go back to school tomorrow so I'll be
> getting my resolutions started and I'm more than
> looking forward to that. It's a good day.


Happy b-day! I know someone else born today...And she's a true Cappy, too. Loves to re-use stuff, which is very important with our wasteful society. I try to be like that, also, but sometimes when I walk past an overflowing trashcan on the street full of take-out containers, it's very upsetting. I am sure you can relate. However, I do think it's important to put this world in its proper perspective. It's not Heaven or Shangri La; it's the WORLD. Being our best without expecting perfection is the only way to counter those feelings, isn't it?

The best "charity" you can offer is to be kind to the people who are in your immediate sphere of influence. Do people actually think that they can buy their way out of their bad behavior by writing a check?

HH I'm pretty sure that's not what's in most people's minds when they make donations. I certainly am not thinking about how to buy my way out of bad behavior when I do it, that's a bit odd. I feel pretty grateful for what I have in my life. Hoarding everything for myself seems pointless and selfish to me, might as well share when there's abundance.

Banana, I'm so clear about not wanting gifts, my mother and sister certainly know that I'd prefer not to get anything at all, not to have money wasted. They are my immediate family! You'd think they'd ask me if they really couldn't come up with something and just HAD to spend money, lol. There are "things" on my long term wish list, nothing I'm super antsy to acquire but you know, I could have suggested something more lasting.

I said thanks to both of them, of course. I also asked them not to do it again .

People who are charitable and kind with those who are placed before them don't feel the need to distantly cut checks that go into the black-hole of multi-million dollar charities. Help shmelp. Maybe you should worry more about giving smiles instead of buying coffee and donuts for the people who claim to surgically create them.

Wow, are you EVER in a bad mood.
I volunteer in my community. I support and donate to the thrift stores here that do great work in the community. I research the organizations I donate to choosing ones that do great work and use as little as possible for "administrative" costs. I don't throw money around to I-don't-even-know-what-you're-calling-it. Sheesh.


If someone doesn't donate, can't or chooses not to, that is up to them. I wouldn't judge them as being selfish any more than I'd accuse those who DO donate of lacking charity in their daily lives. That is quite the disconnect you've assumed there. Where's your head?

Amazing that you can't even be nice on a forum but you're preaching about handing out smiles. Seems you could stand to take a bit of your own advice.

HeavenHands Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The best "charity" you can offer is to be kind to
> the people who are in your immediate sphere of
> influence. Do people actually think that they can
> buy their way out of their bad behavior by writing
> a check?


LOL! Works for me

But seriously, I know what you mean up to a point. You may be wealthy and writing checks is easy but how do you treat those closest to you?

Coco, why not ask for money, though? You need it and they are asking you what you want? They probably have this NEED to give you something so you might as well go for the loot

Once again, no recognition of the nice thing I say. I have never, ever been not nice without provocation, and I defy you to find an example to the contrary...(crickets).

coco Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Wow, are you EVER in a bad mood.
> I volunteer in my community. I support and donate
> to the thrift stores here that do great work in
> the community. I research the organizations I
> donate to choosing ones that do great work and use
> as little as possible for "administrative" costs.
> I don't throw money around to
> I-don't-even-know-what-you're-calling-it. Sheesh.
>
>
> If someone doesn't donate, can't or chooses not
> to, that is up to them. I wouldn't judge them as
> being selfish any more than I'd accuse those who
> DO donate of lacking charity in their daily lives.
> That is quite the disconnect you've assumed there.
> Where's your head?
>
> Amazing that you can't even be nice on a forum but
> you're preaching about handing out smiles. Seems
> you could stand to take a bit of your own advice.

But BananaWho I Don't need money, I have savings that allow me to stay home with the kids. I choose simple living and frugality, I quite like it.
it's funny, we have relatives with many kids who live the same way. They regularly get people dropping stuff off to them, toys and clothes for the kids. My cousin doesn't like to waste so she never says no but then she's left being the one who has to drive it over to a second hand shop.
It's funny how people sometimes just assume when you live a simple life that you do it because you haven't got a choice.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2012 09:41PM by coco.

I agree with this. That way she could give it to the charity of her choice. Personally, I'd take the cashola and give it to my favorite charity...myself. You know what's really funny? My multi-millionaire hedge funding older brother sent me $250 just last week. He enclosed a "snarky" note that said, "spend it on one of your many lady friends." What's even funnier is that a few days later (Friday) one of my "many lady friends" sent ME some flowers. Talk about universes colliding in weird ways. It was so coincidental that I almost signed the 250 over to Smile Train, but then I was like, "Nah, I'm gonna indulge my addiction to questionable health products like zeolite, indium, and gh3 instead." I supported something and got something in return. Happy days.


banana who Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Coco, why not ask for money, though? You need it
> and they are asking you what you want? They
> probably have this NEED to give you something so
> you might as well go for the loot

Okay, Coco...I must have misunderstood you. I remember you discussing something in the past which gave me that impression. In any case, who doesn't need more money unless you've won the lottery??? There is no such thing as too much money, LOL.

In my case, living simply was a natural result of my finances at the time and became a habit. OMG! I know people who have sooo much and WASTE it! I believe in The Secret but that is ridiculous...

I am no stranger to the enforced budget but not at this time. I too developed those frugal habits out of necessity but they have evolved and grown even with money in the bank. I'm not a penny pincher by any means, I splurge when I really feel like it.
We spent time w relatives over the holidays, their home is CRAMMED with things. Oh man, I would feel so claustrophobic surrounded by so much stuff. I need room to breathe!

You and I have a lot in common coco. I agree. I live life simply and do not need much money at all. When I do, I work. I have found there are always seasonal positions available. I asked someone once what they did in life and they said, "Live". I will always remember. And I am living well in my opinion.

Peace

Well, Coco, I donated my first ten bucks for the year. Thank you so much!

[www.worldvision.org]

"...For it is in giving that we truly receive..."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2012 11:14AM by rawalice.