Hello to everybody!

Im 24 years old, 2 1/2 years on a cooked vegan diet (trying to eat more raw as the next step)& I live in germany...

My Question or issue is not direct a 'food'-question but i hope to find people who might have made experience on that specific problem i have & might help me.

The issue is my relationship. As i said , im a vegan but my boyfriend aint. so as u can guess its not always as easy as between couples with the same diet.
And a lot of time when we talk about it, as far as it is possible its always the same - frustrating. Its not my plan or my wish to turn him over he has to make his own decissions but as son as we talk about 'hypothetical' children it gets rough. And nomatter what i say, i belive if he would do research on his one he would know more about nutrition than as i tell him. I dont follow any dogma when it comes to my eating, or follow any guru & im am willing to compromise on certain questions. But sometimes i feel like this issue is really heavy on this realtionship.
So i want to know if there are any of you with the same situation & how u handle it, or even familys where one parent is vegan the other aint , how u manage bringing up ur child/ren...

And i dont belive that because of this issue & the way he eats and if he aint going to change that he cant be a good/right partner for me & and i should leave him anyway. And i dont think that JUST because somebodys vegan he might be a better partner there is some much more. So I ask u friendly to not tell me to give up that relationship cuz i want to know how to deal with it not how to get rid of him

So im hoping to hear inspiring storys, & Tipps how to deal with a vegan/unvegan relationship.

Im sorry for my english.
Naikar

I wondered the same thing...how relationships like that work. I am sure it is a little difficult at times but as long as both people support each other in their chosen diet then it should be ok. I am not vegan nor am I vegetarian...yet. My fiance supports the change though so she is ok with my decision. She won't consider changing herself and that does not really bother me. We have a son and a daughter on the way. We have not talked about the kid's diet and whether it will change when I finally make my change. I don't really think that it will but I do plan to slowly introduce more veggies and fruits in to my son's diet and start the new baby out with lots of them as well. Not in an effort to convert or start her as a vegetarian but just to try to introduce them to healthier eating. So I guess my rambling really didn't offer you much help.

Just wondering, were you vegan when you got together with him or did you change to vegan after you were already together? Has he even considered changing to vegetarian/vegan or is that out of the question for him?

Just a thought, but maybe the only real solution is a compromise (maybe some days raw and some not) and then when the children are older they can decide. That way everyone feels respected and that their opinion has been heard. If you are not willing to bend even a little bit, just let him and see what you can come up. Just a thought

First of all thank you for ur answers


@Nubster/@Lizard
I was a vegan already when we met, so i guess u can say he 'knew what he was getting himself into" althouh it wasnt like that because he had to admit that he didnt know that u can cook good with a vegan diet. And he told me that from all the girls he knew that i am the best cook & also his non-veg.-friends alsways liked my vegan food (on picknicks etc.) but he always is like "oh, if u just would prepare meat than it would be perfect" because he always says that my foods are delicious but hes' missing meat... We dont live together & right now due to univerity we see us around 1-3 times a week. I mostly get him cheese and meat for his sandwiches for breakfast.. So its just that one or two meals a week he is "forced" to leave out meat or dairy. In my opinion thats not much & i think it something he should deal with because he can eat meat & dairy all the time, the wohle week, & for breakfast he has meat & dairy here too. And i know a lot of vegetarians who would not even let somebody have meat &/or dairy in their kitchen etc.

I am willing to compromise but its not really on the level Raw/unraw i guess i displayed it already above Or i told him for example that if i had a family n' stuff i would be okay with having meat once or twice a year a as a family dinner like xmas or something and i also will prepare it. Thats what i would do eventhouh that would be hard for me but in case of a family i just think its about a compromisin. But i dont agree with mashing chicken under toddler food or bringing them up an a 'typical' diet with meat or dairy. Also i dont think to give young kids massive amouts of candy and every day or every second to me is massive for a child.
And like i said in the first post im not following a health-dogma nor is veganism my religion. i more see it as a path where i try find out whats the best for me/humans & i dont belive that anyone has a 100% right answer right now, so i wanna pick what works best, So if that means to have a little meat once in a while or stop eating cooked foodetc. i guess i would do so etc.
And i always realise that people/ he see me as the other'party' they have to fight or win against while im just looking for optium health with wide open eyes & ears so i am just wondering how i can make them recognize that im not there for the ultimate food battle & that i am just concernd to give my future family espesially my kids the best i can as a mother, not saying that im always right but im trying instead of doning what everybody does.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/25/2010 06:38AM by Naikar.

Hello Naikar,

I'm a vegan with a vegetarian boyfriend. We don't have any kids at the moment, but if/when the time comes, I imagine there will be some conflict.

i.e. Obviously, I would want to raise any future children as vegans/vegetarian. I wouldn't make non-vegetarian food for them at home, but if they wanted to eat different food away from home, I would be okay with that. I'd just make sure they knew the truth about what they were eating, and be a good example of a happy, healthy vegan who doesn't 'go without'.

But, I have a horrible feeling that there are certain family members who wouldn't respect that. I can imagine them deliberately feeding my future veg*n kids lots of meat and dairy and sweets because they think veganism, especially raw veganism is extreme. It sounds paranoid, but I know this would happen.

On a happier note, my boyfriend went vegetarian early on in our relationship (he used to eat meat). He loves animals, which is the main reason he went vegetarian, and has no problem eating vegan meals, and I make him meals that aren't vegan (that have dairy/free range eggs). So in time, we have ended up with a nice compromise.

I personally would hold off having kids as long as possible until you can work out a solution the both of you would be happy with and that your family can accept. Veganism ends up being such a huge, personal aspect of our lives, people don't understand or respect the conflict that arises in these situations, suggesting that our vegan views should be completely set aside when bringing children into the world, which is unfair.

@suspendedindefinitely
The fear that somebody of the family would do that i understand i have the same fears & because of that i really want people to understand what & why i am doing certain things. Not that they change their habits but atleast understand that the child is not the place/person to let out their anger but the way i live & decide to bring up my kids. So i think dialogue is very important but still i would be afraid.

Where are the others with 'mixed' relationships ? i need you

i went out once with a very jewish vegetarian girl who accepted no criticism of israel or Jews in any form

at the same time i was eating about 2 pounds of meat per day and spending most of my time writing online articles criticizing israel and Jews

( check out my site: [www.diy-av.net] )

when we went our separate ways it was neither because of the diet nor because of israel - it was simply because we had incompatible personalities

we knew each other for about 5 years probably.

all the time i knew her i ate nothing but meat. i decided to go raw shortly before i kicked her to the curb. as soon as i got rid of her i went raw

she kept telling me about how unhealthy i am eating and i would dispute everything she said. now after such a long time i couldn't just admit that i was wrong all the time so i got rid of her

so in the end it was her pathological need to criticize everything i do and not our differences that did it.

hehe good luck

I have heard and seen so much negative as a result of mixed diet relationships I won't even consider any one who has not been 100% for at least one year on thier own. My fix is prevention just like all other natural health methods.

Hmmm.... I went raw almost a year ago. Since my husband and I love and respect each other, our relationship has continued to be successful even though he eats a cooked, non-vegan, carnivorous diet. Neither of us pressures the other, although we both care about health. I just wanted to say that successful mixed diet relationships are possible.

Controlling your own diet is one thing, but when it comes to making meals for children, that's where it gets tough. I haven't experienced that, so I'm not speaking from experience there.

However, I had a conversation with a man who eats a raw food diet. His wife does not. When they had children, she insisted the kids eat some cooked food, meat, dairy and "desserts." This caused conflict and tremendous stress in their relationship. They were separated and discussing divorce because of it at one point. He finally gave in to get his family back. He said that he decided that having a harmonious family was the higher value to him. Now, he prepares raw foods for the children often, but his wife makes more of the children's meals.

Respect and good communication skills are important for any relationship, but if you're in a mixed dating relationship, they're critical. I wouldn't delve into the "how we'd feed our hypothetical kids" conversation until I felt sure that respect was a solid component of the relationship. Meanwhile, during the getting to know you phase, I'd just drop some tidbits of info about the benefits of raw food now and then without pressure for the other person to change and see how it's received. For example, when reading a newspaper, now and then you'll come across articles that support healthier foods for children (e.g., the possible relationship between autism and preservatives); mention it. This morning when my husband and I were reading the newspaper he saw an article about how a diet heavy on fruits and vegetables was good for the skin. He mentioned it to me! Maybe your partner won't want to ever change to a raw food diet, but may come to agree about it's potential benefits for "others." You can't expect someone to change their lifetime of conditioning quickly. If you think the relationship is worth the effort, take it slowly.

Once talk of marriage or living together gets serious, then it's time for discussing the tougher questions about children, etc.

Good luck.


My favorite raw vegan

I always wonder about this...I have been a vegan for 10 years and I am pretty strict about it. Sometimes I eat dairy, like a bite of cake etc or a tiny bit of cheese but hardly ever. I also try not to buy leather as much as possible and never eat meat or chicken. I have had fish about five times over the last 10 years but since I became vegan I never touched meat again.

I have never had a vegetarian/vegan boyfriend...although I would really like one, they seem to be hard to find...I have always compromised with my carnivorous boyfriends but always wished they were veg However, most of my boyfriends have made an effort for me and are happy to eat at veg places.

My mom and dad were always fighting over food choices when I was growing up, my Dad was all about meat and potatoes but my mom started eating organic food, macrobiotic etc halfway through their marriage and it caused a lot of conflict.

I always wanted to meet a guy who has similar values and diet to me..it has been fine dating non vegans until now but marriage and having kids is a different story. If I have kids I would really like to raise them as veg/vegans. I also don't feel comfortable buying, handling and cooking meat no matter how much I love the person.

Although I meet a lot of people, it is hard enough to find people that I really connect with and have chemistry with...I have decided to not narrow my choices to a veg/vegan partner but in the back of my mind I really hope I meet one...or am able to convert a meat eater to one

I would tell him that the starting point of life form, in my opinion, would be a cruelty-free existence, as far as is possible, so you will not feed your children animal products as the starting point. If the children choose to harm animals later in life, they can do so (with their own money/means).

I don't know why he'd assume or think any differently, like let me kill some animals to feed my kids and let the kids decide later in life if that's okay? Doesn't sound like a good decision to me!

Don't know if it helps, but it can be done for sure.
My wife and I for a good 15+ years have no issues and never have. She eats meat, I eat nothing but fruit. I accept her, she accepts me. I wish she would make some changes, but does that make her less of a person?? Not at all. I was a meat eater once myself. Am I a better person now, Lol??

Guess the key to our success is recognizing that life, like health, has many, many different variables. To focus on one part of it seems a little self serving in a lot of ways to me. They don't do what you want them to do, so we want to control it by having them change at our timetable. Hell, they may never change. Does it really matter in the bigger picture?? To me it didn't.

I'm not saying anyone is a bad person here in your situation, but to maybe step back and ask if he was a die hard fruit eater would he be a better person or would it just make you feel better?? If this is one of a number of red flags with him, then maybe it is time to consider moving on.

My relationship with my husband is one that my friendly Vita-mix dealer calls the start of a good joke: "So, a raw vegan and a hunter get married...."

And it works. And we have children.

We respect each other, and we are bestest friends in the world. Because our relationship is not based on food. Neither is our self-esteem.

I prepare raw food and I also cook meals for him and the kids. I make sure the kids have ample choices of raw but they mainly decide for themselves. I made sure the baby was started as a raw vegan, but now that she's 14 months, she gravitates heavily towards meat eating like daddy. I'm ok with that. Both kids also naturally want to eat only fruit in the mornings. And my husband is ok with that. He will also try at least a portion of every raw dish I create. The kids adore green smoothies.

I think the main thing is to stick to your convictions about your own body, and understand that health can be had from all kinds of diets - not just raw food. Make sure that the choices are there, and don't expect your family to follow suit all the time. Everybody's "evolution" happens at a different pace. I find that the more you preach, the less people listen. But I set the example for my kids and more often than not they want what mom's eating - especially because dad is not home during the day.

Wow, you give a 14 month old meat?

i'd say that if love is there

and respect is there

anything is possible

including mutual understanding

gradual changes

if u have an excited, enthusiastic, positive outlook and your own healthy lifestyle shows consistent results

if you have a very radiant frame of mind, spirit and body

then your spouse bf, gf will come around and wish to have what you have

if that is not the case

good luck in trying to CHANGE anyone


one can only lead by example

if the change is to endure on its own volition by the individual him or herself