So, I know others are dealing with this issue, but right now my husband is sabotaging my raw vegan eating lifestyle -- "Too radical." While I know this is my own body and choice, it is very diffult to be emotionally undermined by someone who should be either actively supportive or at least quietly neutral! So, thanks to all of you on this forum for your ACTIVE support!

Well, here's what works for me:

Support your husband's choices fully. Continue to encourage him to eat exactly how he wants to and minimize any conversation about your choices. If you have to put a big steak and potato on the table next to the salad, go ahead, and then only eat what you chose to eat - the salad. Don't make an issue about it. It will be hard at first, and seem like a lot of work, but it will pay off. In time, your family will realize that your choices aren't really a threat to them. Eventually, when someone says something unkind, you can point out that you don't make fun of their habits, so please don't criticize yours.

If you have to eat at a relative's house, try to bring some food along and not inconvenience anyone by demanding that they have something acceptable to you. Make enough to share. Only speak in a positive way - NO criticizing anyone, anytime!

One day, they might even discover that you are just glowing with good health. That you don't need to take drugs to get by. That you seem very fit compared to the rest of them. It might even cause them to start getting interested! Then they will be willing to listen and support you fully!

Good luck!
Sapphire

That's too bad, llulu. I like Sapphire's suggestions. How does he sabotage you?

Pam

I hear you. I agree with Sapphire 100%. Support your family, and do not put them on the defensive - and they will support you. And just because you are doing the right thing, don't expect other folks (especially those closest to you) that are doing the wrong thing to understand or condone you. It probably won't happen! Ha! ha! But I forgive them!

-David Z. Mason

I don't agree with Saphire's post; some people will not support you no matter how you act towards them, and pretending that it is always the raw persons fault is both ridiculous and insulting. I suggest you have a talk with your husband about how this is important for you and that he needs to stop trying to sabotage you right now. It is difficult enough changing your own lifestyle without going through a long charade of passively accepting other people's unsympathetic insults along the way. If someone won't really support your decisions without years of indenturehood, then you may have to re-evaluate your connection to them.

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Sapphire--Thanks so much for your suggestions. Part of the problem was that in the beginning, he was willing to try raw recipes -- although he doesn't "get" the raw food thing -- and he's even really liked some. I've continued to make cooked foods for the family, although much simpler, like steamed brown rice, whole wheat pasta, plus I've always put alot of raw veggies out, so that hasn't changed. He travels alot on business, so he's not home every night for dinner, so that makes things easier. At one point he was open to vegetarianism, but claims now that it made him feel lethargic, etc. He has been having some gastrointestinal problems over the past few months, and I suggested that maybe he should consider doing a parasite cleanse -- parasites could also be the cause of his lack of energy. Well, at that, he just kind of started in about how all of this natural food stuff has made me start to become unrational about illness, that food, herbs cannot "cure" you, that the whole issue of acid vs. alkalinity in your system is bunk, etc. Usually, I don't say alot about eating raw or how it has strengthened and, yes, cured, illness -- but because of his GI distress, I mentioned something that I thought would help and he just thinks that I've been brainwashed or something. I don't need him to agree with me--we "agree to disagree" on other issues -- but I want him to keep his opinions to himself, and now I've learned that even if I think I can offer some help about his health, it is better to stay quiet. And, yes, Sapphire, it has been great -- the more raw I am, the more energy I have, since I started this, the only time I've felt like I was sick was when I went back to eating SAD (over the holidays I was not really prepared this year to do raw).

hi llulu, my husband thinks i'm a little crazy for this way of eating but like davidz said, when he sees you looking and feeling great, maybe he'll understand why you do this. i don't try to get my husband to eat like i do and he has eventually stopped making fun of how i eat. i've made ot clear to him that i'm going to eat this way and he needs to accept it. he never tells me to stop eating this way and as long as i don't shove it down his throat, he doesn't really care what i eat. i feel that if your spouse cares about you, they'll accept whatever you do to try to make yourself healthy and if eating raw does that for you and makes you happy, then he/she should be happy for you.

thanks, Laura

Unless it's his idea he will be against anything new, but so what, who cares, doesn't mean anything. All he is saying is BLAH BLAH and you interpret it some way..Look at how have you been being, have you been righteous acting or preachy?

It's hard because everyone believes that they are right and noone is, we all have valid views.


He is not sabotaging you at all, you are making that up in your mind. all he says is BLAH BLAH remember..





Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/19/2007 06:49PM by coconutcream.

Ha! Exactly Suvi.

-What does what your husband does have anything to do with the good example you set? If he is disapproving and un-supportive, I would just hear him out and let him know that I have heard his concerns.

-David Z. Mason

It's okay to be a little bit tricky too.

For instance, I try to never use the words raw, or vegetarian or vegan at all. I prefer to say fresh.

Imagine - "would you like some of these fresh almonds?" "who feels like having some of this yummy home-made guacamole?" or even "who ate all those cut up fresh veggies I had in the fridge?" "I'm making a fruit smoothie - who wants some?"

When I do sneak in the raw food, half the time nobody even realizes I'm doing it! And when my kids eat at other people's house and don't get a big salad with their supper, they feel that was pretty second-rate. And a bag of cut up red peppers and cucumbers is the ultimate lunch treat as far as they are concerned.

(I'm so devilishly sneaky, he he he!)

Sapphire

It maybe best for you to not suggest anything for your husband right now. When I first told people I was going raw they were skeptical. They would say "That sounds like a great cleanse for a week but it's unhealthy to keep that up long term!". The comments got worse as my body was detoxing! My mom would beg me to eat some meat for my "health". I never really brought up the issue to anyone.

Now that the detox is over and people see that I am not just surviving but thriving on this way of life, they want to naturally know more about it. One girl I work with wants me to write down everything I eat for her. My mom, the one who begged me to eat meat, says I look healthier now then I've been in a long time.

Remember. Lead by example. If your living proof that raw improves the quality of life, people won't be able to say much to try and convince you otherwise.



KelBel

beats me

i can't imagine

i've never been criticized for my raw diet

most people are interested in it

the problem is

i get tired of answering their questions ( after the 4 billionth time )

so i just say...


" hey! lookey here! u wanna know what its like to eat raw?
get yerselves some fruit... get yerselves some veggies and
MUnCH out!!! "

4 the rest of your liveeeeesss. aaaaaaAaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

alrighttttttttttTTTTTTTTTT?????????? sheeeperssssszzzz!!!!

later dudes!

i don't know how other people deal with having to be in a family where they are cooking other people's SAD food

there seems to be some grave desultory injustice to this arrangement

I know what "I" would do if i were in such a situation

but i'd rather not say what that would be

people will do what they will do when they are ready to do it

making radical changes is not just about diet

its deciding

1) WHO to live with
2) HOW to change or adapt when things aren't the way i planned it to be
3) WHAT i'm going to tolerate or refuse to put up with
4) speaking up for myself if i find a behaviour to be unacceptable

that is truly RADICAL

RADICAL is putting one's foot down and saying

" I'm NOT your COOK!"

make your OWN MEAT AND POTATOES

AAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! ( running after the dude with a pot a pan and a stick of crisco butter

THAT is

RADICAAAALLLL...

or

" Hey kids!! If you want Twinkies, Ding Dongs and cheeseburgers.. go GET A JOB! and buy them YOURSELVES!! cuz I ain't gonna do it!!"

and then i wonder why my friends have quit asking me for advice ( boing boing boing boing boing a ding dong dong ding dong dong)

i just tell it the way it is
and people RUN!

i'm not into saying

" Hey.. become PERFECT and people will then drop everything and FOLLOW YOU"

nope.. its not your job to become perfect so that people can follow you

its your job to become perfectly HAPPY for YOURSELF

>there seems to be some grave desultory injustice to this arrangement

Heh! Desultory was on my GRE word study list.

I took it Friday and I am still obsessing over it.

desultory is a desultory word

better to obsess over other less desultory words

such as

"virago"

yep, can't believe such a word exists
what is the male counterpart?

Poltroon?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/20/2007 04:50AM by arugula.

poltroon is better than what i had in mind

we'll stick with 'poltroon"

i have yet to meet a poltroon though

most men that i have come across are exemplary in character

I agree with you La V. I mulled over this post for a couple of days trying to word it in an non-hurtful way. You got it right on. Just put it right out there.

Don't allow people's criticisms and at the same time be open to their concerns. After you have answered any concerns the point is mute. Any further comments are just bullying. This is your life and are your decisions. Be strong in your convictions and you will get a lot less comments. Educate yourself and remember you are not alone. There are a lot of people out here thriving on this diet and more and more everyday. Your husband should feel like a fool for not being man anough to support his wife. It is a part of honoring you. He and many others living a SAD life are not thriving. Remind him of that. It is pretty easy to look around in any public place and see unhealthy people everywhere. I have been married for fifteen years and I know no marriage is perfect but we can strive for it. I have been a vegetarian for eight years and my husband still eats meat on occasion. It is possible to coexist, but you can't do it without respect. Remember supporting and honoring does not mean cooking for. Good luck!! I truly hope this helps.

With love,
Kise'

What sexist language we have! There is no male equivalent. I love the new word poltroon, though. Thanks!

llulu, maybe you should have a talk with your husband to see what the real issue is. It's clear that he does feel threatened in some way. It sounds like it may go beyond whether or not he will be able to continue to eat the way he wants without judgement from you. Maybe he thinks you're changing in a such a radical fashion that you will no longer be attracted to him. Maybe he secretly thinks that what you're doing is a really smart choice which, to him, means that his own choices are not that bright. Or maybe he thinks you won't be as much fun. It's always good to talk things out.

dearest llulu-it is ok.u can feed your dh what he wants and u can eat what u need.my hubby thinks i am crazy too.i have done as sapphire does.i sneak healthy stuff in and let him be. i am 75 pounds lighter and feel good.like a young gal. i walk and walk. i love my hubby so much and we have been married close to 40 yrs. i would love to have him go for a walk with me or do exercise or sports. right now he is the sole bread winner and i have to respect the fact that he is tired at the end of the day and does not want to go walk,even if he does sit behind a desk all day. so i try to feed him fresh juices when i have some and try to do more healthy stuff. i know his limit.he thinks i am crazy and he may well be right.my brother in law has gone on a diet cause of me.my son is working out and popping vitamins cause of me and my daughter has lost weight cause i refuse to go out to resturants with her every day like we use to.hubby is sort of lagging behind.but i forgive him.he just wants his "normal fare".so i agree with sapphire.hugs and good luck.taylor

[img10.mytextgraphics.com]

Poltroon isn't a good match, but it's like a really low blow for something that sounds like it ought to apply only to a male.

These are better:

blackguard (esp. Ambrose Bierce def.)
cullion
kern
ame-de-boue
lown
ronion
caitiff is like poltroon, but it doesn't sound as insulting.

This is a great discussion and what comes up for me is that if something is important to you, and if the other person cares about you, it should be important to them whether they agree with it or not. Have you told him how important it to you and that you need his support. I think that if he cares about you he will at least support your decision even if he never tries it himself.

Best Wishes,
Cecilia

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Taylor-My husband used to be tired at the end of the day too. He works about 12 hour days and has a two and a half hour commute. Since going mostly raw we are all full of energy. It is amazing how he is now. Honey do's that have literally been sitting around for years are all getting done. He has been building a kick ass barn for the last two weeks. Good for you influencing and motivating your family to be healthier. I hope everyone discovers this diet.

Being patient and tolerant of others doesn't mean taking sabotage. I agree with Pam. Communication is key. Find out what the real issues are.

I occasionally remind my family that I eat raw because SOMEONE needs to be around to take care of their sorry asses!

LIfe Is Good!

alive!

llulu, your husband sounds so much like mine. I don't think he is unsupportive. Mine feels much the same way as yours. He is willing to do vegetarian some of the time, but wants his meat and potatoes some of the time. He would never in a million years criticize my choices, but he does not wish to follow the same program. If he is willing to respect me this much, I am very willing to do the same for him.

I am quite sure that if I made any suggestion about doing a cleanse or anything like that, my husband would react pretty much the same way yours did. He doesn't mean to be critical of you, it is just not the way he would like to do things. Try not to let that bother you, it's not personal.

Last year, my mom came for a visit. She had just started doing Tai Chi, and did it every morning. One morning, she got up and started screaming at me in tears, because I was not supporting her with her Tai Chi, because I never joined in and did it along with her. I was so surprised, I had no idea that this was such a priority for her. It had never occurred to me that she might want me to do this with her, she hadn't even asked me!

So by that principle, I don't feel unsupported by my family just because they aren't doing exactly all the same things I am doing. My idea of support is that everybody is respectful of my choices whether they make sense to them or not.

Besides, I could never view my husband as so one dimensional as to be defined by something so simple as what he eats each day. If that was all we had to connect us, there is no way we would have lasted the past 25 years together. This isn't our only difference, nor is it an important one.

Sapphire

Sapphire- Your last statement is Golden.

i love what suvine said about how alls he's saying is "blah blah," and you interrpret it a certain way. So simple, yet so wise.

I love Suvine and her no nonsense ways. She makes so much sense. Where it will take one person half an hour to explain something, she will say the same thing in two sentences all blunt, and I feel like, well duh, of course. so simple. The world needs more suvines.

I agree!! More suvines!!

lol, lets start a fan club and make shirts that have suvine's pretty head on them. They'll say "I'm Fruity."

I can draw her on Mario Paint. o_o*

is that stalker status?

Thanks to you all for your heartfelt advice -- I love that each person brings a different perspective that I have been able to consider -- after all, so much of the suffering in life is that we see things from a very limited vantage and there are whole worlds of possible perspectives that are valid. So, yes, Suvine, I CAN see how it is in fact me sabotaging myself by EXPECTING my husband to act in a certain way when this is not in keeping with how HE feels. And for me, looking for EXCUSES to fail at this (and feed a lifetime of food addiction) without making myself culpable for MY CHOICES. So, yes, when I focus on whether or not he his supportive takes away from all of the energy I have to give to my OWN SUCCESS.

Sapphire & others, yes, it is important for me AT THIS TIME to provide the continuity needed to be a part of how our family works, both with husband and children. As I mentioned earlier, my kids have always eaten many, many raw veggies & fruits -- so not calling attention to the fact that they are raw makes sense.

l-v, stay true to yourself! I suspect that you have grown up in a different generation/worldview than I -- and for me, trying to dance the dance of a relationship with my husband is still worthwhile after almost 25 years together. As someone else mentioned, maybe what is underlying this whole issue really is his concern for me and not his sabbotaging me.

Thanks to you all!

I think lulu somehow became possessed by David Z. Mason. thats where he goes when he stares into fruit

righteous.