Hello friends,

For the past two weeks or so i've been experiencing strange energies in myself , sometimes such blissful feelings and other moments extreme depresssion and suicidal thoughts. Also i have such amazing anger inside. On the outside it doesn't show i'm able to just observe it but it is very unusual state to be in. Lats time i had similar baggage was when i was a teenager.

One reason for all this might be because for the same two weeks i've been making smoothies with raw chocolate and maca. In the beginning when i made my first smoothie with these "superfoods" it gave me so much energy and made me feel high but now i'm feeling somehow they might be stimulating my energy too much. It is similar effect to some kind of drug induced high i feel, not that i would know i've never tried many drugs. Actually only one time in my life i tried smoking marihuana it was too much for me i felt like being possessed by an alien being. Kind of same feeling i have at the moment actually.

Maybe these emotional states have something to do with my childhood? Or even time before i was born? My mother told me she felt i never wanted to come out of the womb and actually i didn't, i was forcefully taken out by doctors in an operation. Caesarian birth causes traumas they say but is it because of the whole procss or because babies who have such an operation don't want to come back to this same nonsense world again. Now in my angry states i have this feeling "i never asked to be born" Maybe i've been living already so many times i'm simply tired of this same game?

There is one girl i've been visiting for the past few months we are very good friends and i'm not sure if i'd even like to have a relationship with her or not. She does not know either. Maybe she can see i'm not a very balanced person? Maybe that is why i've never had close friends people are afraid of my intense energies. For me it is no problem i'm used to it.

In all my life i've never had any close friends or proper relationship. Now i'm FEELING the reason why, i've never been able to allow anyone to love me because i don't love myself. And i don't know why. It's not that i completely hate myself i just feel totally indifferent.

At the moment i just feel completely lost in life. I'm virtually homeless and if i don't get a job will move to live on the street in a few weeks time. Now i've never done that but one of my "dreams" is to go "down to the bottom" live on the streets and beg for money. I don't really want to do anything or go anywhere. I have no clue of what i want. It is not any kind of painful state to be in, just completely empty of any feeling. I'm tired also of feeling blissful what i do with that? Only thing i really want is to find love and that is also impossible because i can't love myself.

However don't take this stuff too seriously, already now i'm laughing because i see what comes out of the head if i allow it. Osho had very good insights he said that the modern man needs catharsis. Maybe i should just go inside close all the doors and start "gibberish" (making nonsense sounds talking in language you don't know) that helped me feel much more balanced and calm yesterday. This Sunday there is "AUM meditation" in North London i will go for sure. It is a chance to bring out all this rubbish from th head in a safe environment.

So why i write all this? Part of me wants sympathy and for people to say "you poor thing" but please don't do that. I don't need anything. Or at least i don't know what i need. If you'd advice me to find some kind of councellor from my experience i would say they are all ignorant people. Osho was telling a story of how in ancient Japan if someone "went mad" he was simply left in isolation for a few weeks. In ancient world they had much better understanding of how energy works than this modern so-called "civilisation"

The only thing you could help with is to tell me how i learn to love myself. Love is only thing i want and need however how could anyone love me if i don't love myself?

Thanks for advice have a good day
Yari

PY, I suggest that you get over yourself. You say that you don't love yourself but have enough arrogance to say that you won't listen to what advice we offer. If that isn't egotism, I don't know what is.

Raw chocolate is not beneficial. You say that your body reacts to it so if you know that it reacts badly, why don't you stop?

Taking responsibility for yourself no matter what the past is part of being adult. Grow up. I mean this is the most supportive way. To continue to wallow in self-pity and the past will not support the person you could be. If you don't know who you want to be, look for honorable examples around you and emulate them. There is always a worse situation than the one that you are in. Fix the problem and move forward.

If you want to love yourself, start by being responsible to yourself regarding your thoughts, actions, and values. Only you can decide who you are or who you want to be. Also, if you seek to be homeless, you will be. Dreaming/fantasizing about living in the gutter will get you there quickly. Why don't you really find out how bad it is be live in the gutter by going to a homeless shelter and volunteering rather than feeling pity for yourself.

Mood swings can be a part of detox. However, mania typically is not.

You only have one life to live. What are you going to do with the time?
Therese

I hear you. One can only imagine what YOU are going through. I advise you to follow YOUR dreams - and don't censor yourself. You don't know EVERY way there is to feel......EVERY way there is to live. Admit that....then trust that there are better ways out there......and COMMIT to accepting whatever fears....mistakes....and challenges will come in pursuing YOUR dreams.

P.S. I would avoid caffeine or any other stimulating drugs or foods. Just my experience.

-Love & support,

-David Z. Mason

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

I suggest you read some works by Milan Kundera.
And don't eat chocolate.

i have similar experiences with chocolate. I don't know how it could be considered a health food, right after i eat it my heart beats too fast and i feel anxiety. must be the caffiene

I feel the same as greengrl after I eat chocolate.

I was going to suggest a book too..called The Outsider by Colin Wilson just to give you something very interesting to have your mind work on.

Being overstimulated by some foods/substances can be addicting for us, and coming down can after a couple hours from that stimulation can be very depressing.

Be pro-active in what you want in life, and if you don't know yet..that's ok, but get out and do something worthwhile so you can learn what you like.

Anyone that says outloud they have suicidal thoughts are asking for some kind of attention and help. Whether you like counselors or not, I suggest you find one you like well enough and talk it all out with them.

Love,
Prism



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2007 04:53PM by Prism.

Thank you all,

For sure i will stop with all these stimulants, they are making me too unstable. A friend of mine used to use a lot of drugs and says now he can't have any hemp seeds or oil it effects him like marihuana. Today i had some hemp milk and instantly felt very strange in my head, too much energy was going there. People tell me the amount of THC is so small in hemp seeds you can't even measure it, yet i can feel the effcts in my own body right after having some.

Western psychotherapy is only playing with the rubbish in the mind it does not work. It is a great game you can go in circles for years on end some people enjoy playing it but i'm not at all interested. Meditation is quite good i've done a few 10-day silent meditation retreats but now feel they are too isolating and make me feel bored. It is quite fun in a way to have mood swings. Maybe i have them because i enjoy them? What i really need now is to go somewhere and scream my head off. Which is exactly what i will do this Sunday with the AUM. Osho was a brilliant guy having come up with these kind of therapies.

For cleaning of my physical body i can go on a urine fast. In India i did 7 days urine fast it was great and cleared my head completely. It felt so good after the 7 days i didn't really feel like starting to eat again.

Yes i have a big ego so what? There is another part of me who thinks i'm the most brilliant guy there is. Only way to leave the ego behind is by first making it huge and seeing how absurd it is to play with it.

Hugs
Yari