(Kind of a long post, to warn...)

For the first time in my life, I am experiencing serious cognitive dissonance with my job, and was wondering if anyone has felt the same way, and how it was dealt with. The easy answer, I know, is "just DEAL with it already and get a new job!" But I guess this is why it's a support group. :O

Since I've graduated high school, I've basically been a "career server" and have been making around $30/k year, working less than full time hours, at the expense of my weekends and some heinous abuse from the locals. The tradeoff seemed fair: I have ample time for my relationships, I have time for my art, I'm doing very well with finances, I don't have to sit and rot in a cubicle, and I like the social element a lot. It's also instant cash.

I'd also hang myself if I had to go to college. The scene is not for me, much to the dismay of my family. Institutionalized education SHATTERS my spirit. Getting a degree via the beaten path of life is not for me. I had a 4.7 GPA on a 4.0 scale my senior year of high school and DEEPLY envied my friend who dropped out.

I can independently get certified through the Ministry of Japan as being fluent in Japanese, something that's been a pursuit of mine--but the test is once a year, in December, results issue in March, so provided I am one of the <20% of people who pass this year, I have at least another full year before I could pursue a job "in my field."

So, serving is the foundation that my life right now is built upon. And the restaurant I'm at is mega-SAD. Every day I see people coming in, overweight, looking tired, kids that go insane from eating chicken fingers and ice cream. I smell like greasy chicken fajitas, serve blue-rare steaks, get to stick my hands in dishes full of rape-and-torture cheese to garnish food. The signature sauce for one of our best selling dishes has LITERALLY OVER 50 ingredients, most of which can't be deciphered without a chemistry degree.

This one day bothered me more than any other: a kid that was maybe two came in, and it was her first time out since chemotherapy for leukemia. So what did I have to serve the child?? Chicken fingers, greasy fries, chocolate milk and ice cream!

These people just don't KNOW.

So many things are microwaved. The baked potatoes come pre-cooked. I am in the heart of decay. The more I learn about the harmony of living raw with all life and the planet, the more I feel a very deep internal conflict--and oddly enough, it never bothered me as a vegan---you can't make choices for everyone, I thought.

But what I'm doing wouldn't hold up at Nuremberg, "I was just taking orders."

I picked up an application for Whole Foods, but I haven't filled it out. My entire resume is primed for serving, 4/6 restaurants have offered to hire me on the spot last time I bombed the downtown scene looking for a new job. Health food stores pay retail wages, and, therefore, won't pay my rent.

I hate touching the food. I can't touch the bacon. I have to get tongs to touch the bacon. I don't want to work in a place where I feel compelled to do arguably neurotic things. Being just another cog in a culture of death weighs more heavily upon me every day.

But I'd have to part with my entire LIFESTYLE--the free time, the instant cash... And who knows if I could even get full time somewhere like Whole Foods, but I heard rumors they paid reasonably well. There are no "healthy restaurants" in the area that I could work at, otherwise I would have done that long before.

The more aware and conscious of life I become, the more sensitive and in touch with myself and the world I am, the more the pillar upholding my entire life seems totally unacceptable.

And I have at *least* a year before I can pursue translation. I don't want it to be a long year, full of dead animals and sick people... ((sigh))

phantom

I can totally sympathize with your angst..As a chef I have been undergoing the exact same feelings of discordance ever since discovering raw..So much so that I have pretty much fallen off of raw altogether for the past six months with only occasional periods of rawness..

I know that I am going to have to change what I do to earn a living..The adverse psychological aspects of witnessing the daily profligate waste in restaurants combined with the temptations to someone that is struggling to be raw in any meaningful way are too much to bear..Adding in many of the points that you have made just makes things worse..

Since coming to terms with my own obesity I now notice that fewer than 20% of ALL the people that I see on any given day are overweight, or obese..

After reading several books early on after discovering raw I intellectually knew that there was a high probability that I was going to have to change my profession in order to achieve any kind of long-term peace with myself.. I have been putting off this desperately needed change in the hopes that I could reconcile the cooking profession with being raw..I believe it was Matt Monarch that stated in his first book that being raw often necessitated radical changes in professions, habits, friends, etc..

I wish you all the best & hope that you can make the changes that you desire as quickly as possible..Going to Japan has always been a dream of mine..I'll keep you in my thoughts..

Bruce

Whole foods is not going to pay much..it's like $10 per hour..so not a good option. If you could put in for manager, or some other top spot that would be better. Look for salaried jobs in the fields you are excited about.

How about pursuing your art with more gusto? You may be able to teach as in Learning Annex type classes, local art classes, private tutoring, or start your own art classes if possible.

I think that one is very lucky to be able to make a living at something you have a passion for..but that it takes some real drive to push into that very thing you would love to do as it's not all about luck. Maybe it's that one is very lucky to have the drive to make a living at what is your passion.

Think back to when you were a kid, like around 6 or 8 or 10 years old..what did you want to be, what did you gravitate towards..what was it you loved doing. I have always loved taking care and being in charge of kids..and that's what I do and that's what I've done my whole adult life, and much of my younger life also. At times it's been hard, but the rewards and money and the lifestyle I want justify all I've gone thru. I love my job, and it fits with a healthy lifestyle..in fact it's rather in vogue now to offer parents vegan choices, fresh green juices, raw fresh produce, and a green sustainable eco friendly childcare.

Love,
Prism

nice post phantom. sounds like things are coming to a head with you and your current job. also sounds like there are some stressful beliefs that are holding you back from pursing something else. its always easier for outsiders to see where we are being blind, so let me pick out just a couple of things that i saw in your story that struck me as being fear-based and not necessarily fact-based.

(1) i can't get a job outside the restaurant industry that will pay well or allow me the kind of schedule that i want

(2) i need to be certified by the ministry of japan as fluent in japanese before i can use my language skills to make money.

(3) i can't make a living working in the health food field

i don't think any of these things are necessarily true. they might *feel* really true to you, but can you be absolutely sure? if you can allow yourself the luxury of accepting that you don't REALLY know for sure, you might get enough breathing room to make a change. at the very least, you won't feel so anxious.

also, something i have found in my experience -- when you are working a job that does not fulfill you, you need lots of FREE TIME away from that job as recompense. when you are working a job that you love, you don't mind spending more time doing it. so you may find that the free time issue becomes a mute point if you found a job that was more personally fulfilling. but there's only one way to know for sure.

good luck!

An interesting place to work/serve would be a raw food restaurant like Alissa Cohen's "Grezzo" (Italian for raw) or some of the places in Calif. The working atmosphere would have to a piece of raw cake.

phantom,
you post resonates with me so strongly. i too am a server(15yrs) and i'm only 30,so i feel your conflict. i had this exact conversation with my man just a few weeks ago. with everyday that passes and i get closer and closeer to my own personal raw goals the more it disgusts me. oh the smell of bacon nauseates me.
fortunately i do have vegetarian restaurant not too far away and a whole foods is opening one mile from my house soon. i may have to explore these options because i don't know how much longer my stomach can handle it. it's funny how when i eat there i am bringing in my fresh juices and big salads or sometimes 5 pieces of fruit and my co-workers pick and make fun of me. but they see how much i've changed(cleaner skin, almost 30lbs lost, tighter muscles, more energy, etc) and ask me how i did it...DUH!!!
well good luck with your decision. it is hard to give up the money especially if you have a good customer base.
take care,
brooke

The above posts are great. The really hard part about beginning to be KIND to yourself....and identify what your true wants, needs, desires and passionate dreams are....is that they may totally contradict the built up 'story' in ones head....or ones current lifestyle. In this case: PLAN. Start to make the small changes that will allow for the change in lifestyle you really WANT. Write down / draw your visions, dreams and goals....and then set VERY SMALL goals that you are willing and motivated to do on a daily basis to get there. ACCEPT the consequences, fears and anxieties as the ticket price of entry. ALLOW and show love to your fears and pains....and do not supress them. Don't let ANYTHING psych you out of putting one foot in front of the other towards your life dreams. All else is construct and illusion.

-Just my opinions.

-David Z. Mason

WWW.RawFoodFarm.com

In my town, the local grocery stores are unionized and Whole Foods is not (they are very ANTI-union) in fact. SO I would work at a grocery store first, they have as much junk food as Whole Foods (it's just not labeled "natural" and wages and benefits would be much better.

Once you wake up, (even if only a little bit), it's really difficult to go back to sleep again.

Regarding higher education: I found college to be much more fulfilling than high school. I hated high school for a number of reasons. High school and college are nothing alike.

I have been in situations that seemed untenable to me. What I have done, in those situations, is to think, "What do I have to do to get out of this?" And, when I have taken small steps to get where I want to be, it has made where I am more bearable. Every day, if you know you are doing what you need to do to get where you want to go, you may feel a little better.

I hope this helps.


Lee


[www.dhamma.org]

Thanks for your insight, everyone.

It's like I've become horribly passive in this particular aspect of my life. I know what needs to be done. I also hate the temporary feelings of insecurity that switching jobs brings, ugh.

I've got to suck it up! I'll let you know what happens.

hi phantom

perhaps your scene is more entrepreneurial
maybe you could start learning more about how to set your own business
like DMZ says though, one baby step at a time


profound and meaningful changes start with even more profound discontent
and when u turn that discontent inside out
and start planting seeds

things start to sprout and flourish
be patient
water and sun it carefully

don't lose sight of your goals

ANYTHING is possible

if you are willing to

E
N
D
U
R
E

yeah, i know that isn't a pretty word

but it does take endurance to ride out your dreams
and time as well

as long as you have a persevering spirit

there is nothing that you canNOT do

the world belongs to dreamers

This has been a tough one for me too. I have been a server and worked in fast food most of my adult life, and LOVED it. I love the busy-ness, the variety of tasks, and the physical activity.

That was intersperced with some office jobs that paid a LOT more, but because of what I now know are some auditory-processing problems with me (I have a hard time understanding verbal instructions. An example is, I have to hear a song at least 100 times before I can understand most of the words. The first many times I hear it played it doesn't sound like words - just notes. Or someone will be talking and it is hard for me to grasp the meaning or what they want me to do. Now reading written stuff - NO PROB! - but it is hard to find a job that requires no talking or listening!)

I always wondered if learning disabilities can improve or even go away on raw. I'm not keeping my hopes up, but it sure would give me more choices!

Given the "limitations" ( I know - the only limitations are the ones we place on ourselves) but I guess "choices" is a more accurate word. Childcare. Hubby and family and friend wishes. Money. Raw Food Compatability. Set schedule. Working graveyards at a convenience store is working for me for the moment.

My ideal job would be to take troubled teens out in the wilderness for survival adventures. That would be awesome!!!! But how to get started in the business??? How do I get parents to trust me, since I am not a "doctor" or a "psychiatrist" or have any college degrees?


Me (30), Joseph (24 mo.) Jeremiah (4 mo.)

We are enjoying spring and being outside!!!

hi phantom

good luck with your challenge. i have tried to live my life according to my passions. it has worked pretty well for me although i do admit that sometimes a change can cause challenges in life. i've spent time in hockey working in the highest professional league, had a great career with a corporate firm, owned and run my own businesses and now i am a trader...fortunately i've had a loving wife who has stood by me through all of these "indulgences'. the one thing i know for sure is that whatever i think of before i go to sleep and the first thing that i think of when awakening is often what occupies my thoughts during the day...and that is my passion...following that has served me well.

good luck
charlie