Friends,

Today i became aware how I (with big I meaning my ego) once again caused some difficulties to my friend because i was being selfish and not thinking about her. This has happened a few times lately. Now i'm not sure anymore what is the truth, is it my ego that causes these problems, or what? A few days ago she said i'm naive, and i felt good about it, as far as i know it means "simple, unexperienced, innocent, child-like" and i will be like this all my life, that is my personality. Today i'm wondering whether i get into these situations because of my child-like personality? Often i feel frustrated when many people seem to be carrying masks and pretending to be something that they are really not, and i don't. I'm direct and honest guy, and sometimes people feel threatened by that. Even my mother painted one face on her when her "friends" came over and i asked her "why you pretend?" but she said the usual "you are too young to understand". Now i understand that she sold her soul to please others and to belong to an unreal world.

Now i'm 29 and still i'm in the same situation, i see so much hypocricy in this world and refuse to be a part of this game. EVERYONE knows in their heart what is true and what is not, but most people compromise for gaining respect, status etc. If you lose yourself then what good is anything else in this world?
Osho said "never compromise for any reason" and that has become my mantra for life. Yes it means that most of the time i'm alone, but i don't see it could be any other way. The path of truth is also the path of aloness (and this is a positive feeling of being by yourself instead of feeling of lonelines which is often negative, as if you are missing something) It does make me feel really happy to share love with people but if nobody is there even then i'm never alone, we are all connected anyway.

There is a card in Osho tarot "intensity" and i feel today that it descibes me well. When i see what is the way to go, i go 100% never even looking back. So it frustrates me also when i meet people who tell me "i will do it one day". For me it's like "what one day, there is only now". One tantra teacher i met told me some people might feel uncomfortable when i look them in the eyes all the time (because i was looking at him). For me this is a way of showing respect to a person, to say "i'm totally here for you" and i feel frustrated when people need to look all around the place when talking with me. Are you talking with me or what? He said it might be because i did Vipassana that my concentration has become very intense, but that is just my personality. There are a few people who enjoy this kind of intensity, and i feel they are the ones who are not afraid of being real, after all eyes are the window of the soul.

So i've always had only a few friends but they are real. For me there is no point meeting 100 people but not meeting anyone on a REAL level.

The problem with this way of life is that my ego becomes too subtle, harder to see. Since i did a few Vipassana retreats i've learned to understand that the only thing that brings real happiness to me is when i can really help others. I don't want a lot of money, car, apartment etc. When we leave this world what we take? The friendship and love we have shared with people. But because of my naive personality, sometimes i fail to see what i feel is good for people is not what they want. Even if what they are doing is causing them suffering, i have to let them continue. What do i know?

Also because i didn't feel loved by my parents and at school i was usually outsider, i missed a lot of friendship in my life. So now anyone who shows some friendliness to me, i cling onto. This scares people, they think "can't you stand on your own feet?" Of course i can but it is my child wihin who missed all this love before and who now wants to find it. So when i'm not aware of what is happening my energy jumps very quickly, but i'm harmless when you just tell me that this is happening. I don't want to be an energy vampire, there is no need for that, i already have overflow of it. On the contrary i want to SHARE all that i have if you are willing to participate.

For this emotional healing i need biodanza is absolutely amazing. Last August i went to a festival in Osho Leela and again i went for a weekend in December, it was amazing. The last weekend went so deep that the day after i cried the whole day, more than i have done in maybe 15 years. Really heart opening experience. And in June there is another big festival in Italy, maybe 1000 people are coming, so i go for that too. The people who dance biodanza have so much love to share. Like Osho said, "Only love heals, love is the only real therapy".

Anyway i send you a lot of love, and many raw hugs

Yari

Whoa, there are a lot of synchroncities between us. Here's one:

"Osho said "never compromise for any reason" and that has become my mantra for life. Yes it means that most of the time i'm alone, but i don't see it could be any other way. The path of truth is also the path of aloness (and this is a positive feeling of being by yourself instead of feeling of lonelines which is often negative, as if you are missing something) It does make me feel really happy to share love with people but if nobody is there even then i'm never alone, we are all connected anyway."

I love Osho as well and the basic state of aloneness is my guide for coming back to my spirit (aka dissolving the ego). Whenever I notice that I'm feeling like I'm missing something in my life I go deeply into the state of aloneness which helps dissolve that feeling of lack almost instantly. We can never get away from ourselves, no matter how hard we try (and, boy, do we try lol).

Here's another one:

"Also because i didn't feel loved by my parents and at school i was usually outsider, i missed a lot of friendship in my life. So now anyone who shows some friendliness to me, i cling onto. This scares people, they think "can't you stand on your own feet?" Of course i can but it is my child wihin who missed all this love before and who now wants to find it. So when i'm not aware of what is happening my energy jumps very quickly, but i'm harmless when you just tell me that this is happening. I don't want to be an energy vampire, there is no need for that, i already have overflow of it. On the contrary i want to SHARE all that i have if you are willing to participate."

This is EXACTLY to a T what I'm going through right now. I seriously could have written this myself. In fact, I wrote a blog post yesterday in regards to this. Check it out if you're interested: [www.giveittomeraw.com]


There are several more sychronicities, but the ones I posted stood out the most. I hope you have a wonderful day :-D



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2008 04:50PM by blue_butterfly.

I have found that lately I enjoy being alone very much. I'm so much more content with "being" than I was in my life--I used to feel lonely, like I was missing something, but all I was really missing was the connection with nature and myself. When you have this, to be alone or separate from anyone or anything else isn't possible.

Hugs! =)

Prem Yari et alia,

If you want a little help along the way...I suggest the following online audio

[www.oneillpaul.com-a.googlepages.com]

Let me know if you find it helpful.

Raw food is powerful fuel for the engine of "presence" and transcending your ego. Good luck.

Love,
Paul

[www.oneillpaul.com-a.googlepages.com]

Yari,

I am new here (very new) but since I feel we have a kind of dharmic connection (I practice Zen Theravada Buddhism) I feel it's ok to respond to you.

Yes the ego is the problem, but it's not really a matter of having one or not having one. How are you using it?

In Buddhism we have a factor of right speech, which includes truthfulness, but it's very specific. Two of the keys are:

If it's false, unbeneficial, and disagreeable to another person, you do not speak it.

If it's true, but doesn't benefit anybody, you do not speak it. (Why bother?) This is usually where I see self righteousness creeping in - and I'm talking about myself here. This is the impulse to "say how it is" when it doesn't benefit anybody. People who claim to be brutally honest usually enjoy the brutality more than the honesty.

There are more (You can google "Keys to right speech." But that's enough to address your situation I think.

Yes, people are fake, phony, pretentious. That's their problem, not yours. You can work on being honest, on not being a hypocrite, on not playing the game, but you can't fix other people. If you think you can fix other people, ask yourself "am I fixed?" first.

Anyway, for what it's worth from a complete stranger on the internet that just showed up on a food-related forum today, you seem like a good soul to me. Just keep your practice going (and so will I!)

Next week I am going to the Bhavana society in West Virginia for a few days. www.bhavanasociety.org.

-DaveK

DaveK wrote, "Zen Theravada Buddhism." I thought Zen was Mahayana. No?

[www.onmarkproductions.com]

[www.buddhanet.net]

I've heard good things about the Bhavana Society but have not been there. I've been to Dhamma Dhara (AKA Vipassana Meditation Center) through these folks:

[www.midatlantic.us.dhamma.org]



Lee



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/09/2008 01:58AM by Lee_123.

>> I thought Zen was Mahayana. No?

Sorry, I meant Zen and Theravada. Two different things, but with a common thread. One of my ongoing pursuits is discovering that essense that runs between them.

-DaveK