This is pretty personal, but maybe some of you can offer some advice. I am a little unsure of something. My mother was very abusive throughout my teen years. I didn't really even have a mother or many times a home even, to be honest. She was too entranced in addictions to see herself clearly. I went through a period in my early twenties when I decided to forgive her completely for everything, for my own sake. I also know there is an incredible person underneath it all. Me and my older sister tried to intervene a few times to get her into treatment, but on all occasions, we ended up the bad guys after going through some enormous emotional stress. For many years I tried to keep a relationship with her, but eveything is always centered around her. She really doesn't even really know me. I havn't spoken with her for a long time, because for one thing, she never calls me and for another she stresses me out, so I always put off calling her. Yesterday when my mind was wondering I began to think about an awful memory and this began to trigger many more. I realized that although I forgave her, the hurt is still there, though dormant most of the time. I would really like to heal and have some semblance of a relationship with her, but don't know what to do. Maybe it isn't possible, I am not really sure.

Hi Joanne,

When you say your mother was 'abusive', was she physically or verbally abusive or both? And when you say she was/is 'addicted', what are her addictions exactly? Not trying to be nosy, but I think it makes a tiny bit of difference. Like if she was just 'emotionally' abusive and was addicted to food, that would be different than if she was physically abusive and addicted to heroin. Is your father still around? Did he stay married to her?

As a side note, I wonder if there is anybody posting on here who wasn't abused as a child.

Lois

Hi Joanne,
My mom was abusive also. (Of course it's not true that everyone is abused. One who has been traumatized by child abuse KNOWS and doesn't have to prove it to anyone or apologize for acknowledging that it happened to them. This is a common misunderstanding in our society that punishes abused people even further.) I spent years and years trying to overcome my shame and depression/anxiety, 'took personal responsibility' and 'worked on myself' ad nauseum for years, to no avail. I became much wiser, much more spiritually aware, and much more at peace, forgiving and loving, but I still was depressed and suffered from anxiety every day, because the memories were encoded into the very fabric of my nervous system and personality.

Then I discovered Redirecting Self-Therapy and my depression and anxiety were healed in a manner of less than 3 months. (Actually I was almost there after 1 month.) Now the only time I ever feel depressed is maybe once or twice a year for a few minutes or a few hours, as a result of a triggering event.

I was the co-moderator of an online Redirecting Therapy group. You are welcome to PM me and I'll tell you more about it if you'd like. It costs nothing, you do it on your own without a facilitator (although it helps to have understanding people around you when you go through the RST process), and it only takes a short period of time daily and a commitment to keep at it until you release the toxic memories.

For starters, you might want to read a document called 'The Toxic Mind Theory.' I think if you google it you'll find it online.

Joanne, it takes real courage to share these experiences with others and ask for help. More power to you. I hope this will help you and bring you the healing you are seeking.

Love, joy and peace to you--

Sharrhan:


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wow kwan, that sounds amazing! i'll def. pm you for more info.

i suggest loving what is by byron katie, nothing ever helped me more than that wonderful book. i still read it regularly and do "the work" many times when i am having a hard time emotionally. it's great.

Sounds like Kwan is onto it.
The only thing that I can add is that in my experience, sometimes the natural flow of a relationship can be in a physical seperation. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean that you don't love them. In fact it can often be because you love them enough to let them be how they choose to without a needing something from them. Peace be with you Jo.

My father was a raging alcoholic and physically abusive. She married him at eighteen after only knowing him a month (and escaping an abusive home situation). My mother left him when I was twelve (after 15 years of abuse, black eyes, beating her with the kids hiding in fear - even when pregnant). She left with nothing but a beat up car and five young kids. I have only seen him a couple times since. He didn't pay child support at all. She held things together for a while and I respect that (making a life out of nothing for us), but her alcoholism became really bad and then she became addicted to oxy-contin and heroin. She was emotionally abusive and blamed all our family hardships on my sister and I (the oldest two), never making us feel welcome in the home. She never cared about what was going on in my life. She was sometimes physically abusive, but when she was blackout mode and I am sure does not remember. My older sister ended up with custody of the youngest, and the other two are okay.


Thanks Lois, I will look into that, because I do harbor hurt from it all and want to grow beyond it.

You shine and have my respect Joanne.

Hi Joanne,

You are really brave to make these attempts to heal and forgive. It takes a lot of heart, a lot of patience, a tremendous amount of lucidity , and a whole lot of perseverance as well.
Unfortunately, and fortunately I do know what I am talking about and feel that I have come a LONG way from how I felt years ago and am aiming for further healing as well. That would NOT have been possible had I not had the fortunacy of people along the way who were open and willing to listen to my story and instead of expressing sympathy, were EMPATHETIC. In other words, I did not tolerate pity... and they did not give it to me. They gave me the gift of their understanding, compassion and insight instead and I gratefully accepted it. I think that healing is kind of like groping in the dark too. There are a lot of landmines and sometimes you never know when one is going to explode but you go through anyways because one day you want to get out of that dark cave and see the beautiful break of dawn shining through. I would say it is worth it but it is also very very difficult. The road to wholeness sometimes takes everything you've got and then some.

My suggestion is to do ALL and EVERYTHING that you feel you need to do in order to heal. It will probably not come from ONE modality, ONE person, ONE event, ONE spiritual path even.

It will probably come from an extraordinary array of tools. But it doesnt have to be all serious. In going through healing, you can laugh, have a sense of humor, learn OTHER things in the process, form beautiful relationships and friendships etc.

Sometimes, you can go to healing "places" like beautiful nature places... or a retreat. It doesn't have to be expensive. It can be something as simple as taking a hike.

Sometimes you may want to have the help of other people who are more adept in the spiritual path to sort of help you guide yourself. This may take the form of one or more teachers.

soemtimes you may wish to learn different modalities yourself. I doubt that ONE will do the trick. In my experience, different things work for different people at different times, even. I would say learn all and every spiritual healing method possible and use ALL of them as you see fit.

Of course, nutrition plays a huge key role as well and may be a double edged sword: exposing layers of hurtful feelings the more you "purify" your physical vessel, the more the emotional rivers start to emerge as well.

Joining support groups are also helpful but be mindful to always keep your goals and sights on what you DO want so that you won't be bogged down in other people's stories too much and get overwhelmed. It is VERY helpful to talk about it to other people in safe, nurturing and caring environments. It is also helpful to educate yourself as much as possible by reading books , listening to tapes etc. of people who have walked the same path of going from feeling broken and shattered to wholeness and learning from them... though of course, ultimately you make your own path and you just take what is useful to you and discard the rest.

I think that you probably won't get all the answers in this post ( obviously) but it is brave of you to reach out and try anyhow. It shows where your heart is... and just the WILLINGNESS to heal is to be in a very good place.

You have all my respect as well.

.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/05/2008 10:19AM by la_veronique.

Joanne,

You said "Thanks LOIS, I will look into that, because I do harbor hurt from it all and want to grow beyond it.",

but you really meant to thank KWAN, because it was she who told you of a resource that could help.

************

The reason I asked for more personal information is because I discovered a long time ago that 'there are two sides to every story', and if you find out the history of a person (like your mother) who elicits a certain behavior, you can understand 'why' they react the way they do.

Of course, that doesn't excuse a person from being abusive.

*********

It seems like it makes us more able to deal with our hurt by talking to others and I'm sure that helps, but sometimes I wonder if it's better to try to forget it, because the more we tell the stories and remember them ourselves, the bigger they become and unforgetable.

I'm a lot older than you and through the years I have forgotten a lot of what happened to me growing up and that is a good thing. But those stories I have told my family or friends will be alive for a long time.

And I know writing negative things down in a journal is supposed to be very healing, but again I wonder if that doesn't make it more real and live on longer.

Quite a while ago, on this board, we were talking about our horrible childhoods and I wrote down about how I was abused, and as I was writing it, my heart was pounding, so I knew that meant I shouldn't be putting it in writing and posting it, that was the wrong thing to do, it was making it more real -- (but I posted it anyway.)

In years you'll forget more and maybe someday you may really forgive your mother, but I wouldn't try to force it right now.

Yes, I meant kwan. I have forgiven her, I just wonder if I can have a relationship with her and if it worth bringing these things to light to her. I can't deal because often I call her and she is drunk. I hate going over there because I don't like her boyfriend. Her health worries me and I am afraid if I don't salvage a relationship I may profoundly regret it when I am older and she is gone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/05/2008 03:19PM by Joanne81.

Hi Joanne81,

I admire your strength.

I really would like to echo the advice La_Veronique wrote.

I wanted to add a little something from my own experiences. My mother is an alcoholic and was physically and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood and into my thirties. I worked for years on all the things you are struggling with. I wanted to figure out what to do with my anger and I also wanted to see if I could salvage anything from our relationship. I did manage to do both. It didn't come from one particular strategy or incident and took a few years. The first thing I had to do, and it was crucial, was to be clear on what the boundaries are and that I would not tolerate any more abuse. That was the hardest part. I kept showing her love. but at the same time, stayed firm about how she treated me. As this went along the Universe sent a few circumstances that worked in our favor. one included the events surrounding the death of my father, which helped open her eyes. As things got better between us she began to soften and see me for me and not just in my relation to her and this change helped my anger to loosen a bit. Now I feel sorry for the little girl I was and the rest of my poor family as well, including my mom. Having children helped me see things in a different way. Having that baggage left behind is so much better for all of us.

I always call my mom In the early morning or when she's at work, when I know she will be sober. I don't ever push her to change her life, only our her relationship with me and my family.

Lois--
I used to experience the same thing (the rapid heartbeat thing). I used to have almost PTSD-like experiences (rapid heartbeat, shakiness, feeling like I wanted to run away) whenever there was conflict around me-- people arguing or yelling at each other or, god forbid, me!, because it reflected my earlier experiences and terrified me. Only after I did the RST therapy did it disappear, like magic, and now I can stand up for myself calmly and be forthright with people and really enjoy interacting with them, where before I used to cower and avoid contact to some extent. It seems that with this type of abuse/trauma, talk therapy only works to a point. It helps a little to vent and talk to someone, but one needs to go within and actually re-experience the fear, and/or anger, and especially the vulnerability they felt as a child or adolescent who had very little control over a bullying or ruthless caregiver, and act out (internally or outwardly) talking back or even fighting back against his or her former oppressor.

I agree with you about not talking over and over about the past-- it can just bring up bad feelings. The trick, though, is not to repress it either, (at least in the case of a truly abusive history), because what can happen is that the unaddressed memories can color EVERYthing else, and even the most inane everyday situations and interactions can cause inappropriate or undue anxiety or paranoia. I used to be real paranoid, and I was sure everybody was against me, and even the smallest slight made me feel inordinately persecuted or anxious or whatever.

Joanne--

I admire you so much. I hope you find peace and ways to manage this difficult situation.

Pakd--

> I kept showing her love. but at the same time, stayed firm about how she treated me<

Beautiful; a very mature reaction. I tried to keep the door open to communication, but couldn't really open up to my mom because I was afraid she would hurt me again, so we kept things on a kind of frosty, polite occasional chit-chat level for years and years. However I was extremely lucky: my mom had what was apparently a near death experience a few years ago when she had a heart attack, and she was transformed into a totally different person after that, and we are really close now with no reservations whatsoever.

LaV--
>My suggestion is to do ALL and EVERYTHING that you feel you need to do in order to heal. It will probably not come from ONE modality, ONE person, ONE event, ONE spiritual path even.<

Isn't that the truth! Although this RST thing I did was a major, major catalyst in my healing, lots of other wonderful gifts of the universe along the way-- books, people, teachings, dreams, inner guidance, etc., etc.-- certainly played a huge role. There's always a way.

Sharrhan:


[www.facebook.com]

healing is a tricky beast

some people say do this others that

some people say ' don't talk it makes the animal's shadow bigger
other's say take the animal out of the foxhole

so we can shoot it down

shoot it down

shoot out all that anger and fear

but the animal

after its shot down

has nothing to teach you

so don't hide it

and don't shoot it

just look at it

ask it questions

listen to its roar
see how its hooves beat incessantly over the dark terrain

listen to it

the beast is treacherous
and it is fearsome
loathesome
as it is surprising

the beast is also made of love
love shattered

love shattered

the beast is a product of love

love shattered

love shattered and torn

divided and sworn

look to the beast

the beast is fear

make friends with the beast

and the fear will disappear

oh well.... when i say make friends with the beast
i don't mean make friends with the enemy

but to confront how one feels and why

and then respect it and accept it

then it can transform to something else

maybe something even beautiful

its not true that " what doesn't kill me makes me stronger"

that is a lie

some people are still alive but they are the living dead
these people my heart goes out to

i am one of the lucky

i don't like shaking hooves with a beast

but sometimes i have to

if i have courage to shake hooves with a beast

it is impressed

and it doesn't stampede over me

sometimes

shaking hooves with a beast
there was dirt on the hooves
and it was cracked
so when i shook its hooves
my hands
they bled

and it was snorting and steam was a comin out of its two funnel shaped ears
and i wanted to run
run
run

but then i knew what would happen
the beast
it is stronger and faster
smarter and quicker

and even though i got a head start
it would run
run
RUNNNNNNN!!!

and then my skull
it would crack open
crack open
from the impact

of its shadow

i did this over and over again
running away
cuz i couldn't handle the crack in its hooves

til my hands got calloused
and i was strong enough
to one day

look at the beast
straight in its eyes
and shake its hooves

shake its hooves with my calloused hands

and the beast stood still
and bowed at me

and the sun shone through it
and it disappeared